| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 5:45:18 AM | OP, you said she told you she wasnt feeling like she chose the right ring after a few days, and you said 'go get the other one'.
It was at this point in time you should have told her you felt 'weird' about it.
This is a huge red flag-people tell thier mates what they think the mate wants to hear, then act passive aggressive later because the person goes ahead and does what you approved of in the first place. As if 'they should just know you wouldnt like it'. Thats BS, people cannot read minds, and YOU SAID IT WAS OK WITH YOU.
I wouldnt dump her over this, but I would seriously evaluate the relationship as a whole-how often do you say 'do it', when you dont really mean it? This is a seriously bad habit and will not do you any good at all!
In future when she comes to you with a concern, give her your honest opinion, and actually hash things out before you approve something you are not keen on. This may actually end your relationship, as it will force BOTH of you to compromise, not always one person, and the entire dynamic may change. Be prepared for that, and realize, you set this up for yourself by not being honest about your feelings on serious issues in the first place! DO NOT wait til after you marry to start being honest-be true to yourself right now and let the chips fall where they may.
This ring business may end your relationship, but it wont be simply because she upgraded, it will also be because you were not honest with her when she told you how she felt. | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 5:48:34 AM | | hi... OP, the tears were tears of disbelief.... how could she of thought that you knew her, that you read all the signs that she ~really~ wanted the OTHER ring.. the moment was ruined for her too and instead of leaving you she went to make herself feel better by getting a huge ring that would make all the sad feelings go away... yes women sometimes expect that you will see the writing on the wall, the forest inspite of the trees and that you read our minds but we make up for it all in others ways :)... OP, here is an idea, ask her straight out what happened to her that infamous night when she opened the ring box..... this could be a growing experience, not necessarily one that makes you two grow apart.... many many blessings for happiness | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 6:14:46 AM | OP, I don't think this is too awful beyond being slightly disappointing.
BUT.
If this event corresponds with other misgivings you may have about her, then you'd be smart to pay attention. | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 6:16:59 AM | I think guys should pay attention to this.
You must remember that this is a piece of jewelry that a woman hopes to wear every day for the rest of her life. She will show it to her friends, family, co-workers & anyone else that might appreciate it's sparkle.So guys are expected to go out & spend money on an expensive piece of jewelry to give to the woman he loves. It may or may not be her style but what the heck, it's the thought that counts so if she doesn't like it, she should just suck it up? I can help but think if the man loves you, he would want to make sure that you are happy with all aspects of the proposal. I would hate to think that I would spend a lot of money on a gift for someone & they decide to be polite & say nothing. I myself would prefer they tell me, then I could enjoy going shopping with them to exchange it.
I'm not saying that she handled it in the best way. I just think that people need to put the sentiment aside. This is a big deal for most women.
Wouldn't it be a drag if your woman spent a lot of money on a car for you & the car you really want is sitting in the car lot? I mean really...how could she not know that you prefer Chrysler over a ford. At least in 5 years you can justify trading the car in.  | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 6:20:38 AM | | Did she discuss her decision with you before doing it? If yes, then probably no big deal, if a bit odd. If not, then I'd look at such behavior as an indicator of real problems in the future. I'd seriously consider breaking the engagement and indeed, the relationship. | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 6:22:08 AM |
Wait, wait, wait. *read the whole thread this time*
You talked about it. You agreed to it. She paid the difference. YOU AGREED TO IT.
What is the problem?
OP - her "tears" were likely over the Sentiment of something she's 'always' wanted/dreamt of - Being/Getting married. The 'ring' is Just a Symbol.
IMO this thread is also a symbol - the ring isn't the 'real' issue .. is it?
If you're having second thoughts I recommend you put off setting 'that' date until you (both) learn to communicate more openly and Honestly.
Honest Communication: Say what you mean and mean what you say. YOU told her it wasn't a problem, your own words. Obviously it 'was' a problem (for you) .. If I were her - I wouldn't marry you until or unless I was Certain that you had learned to be Honest rather than saying what you think 'she' wants to hear in tht moment..
You asked her to marry you - She said "Yes" .. THAT Is your "moment"
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 6:48:42 AM | Don't worry Op, the way she is, she will "upgrade" you in few months for a better looking or bigger wallet guy.
And it's Ok , as you will have talked about it and you will have agreed to been walked over. | |
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Savona
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Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 83 | |
| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 8:14:14 AM |
Don't worry Op, the way she is, she will "upgrade" you in few months for a better looking or bigger wallet guy.
And it's Ok , as you will have talked about it and you will have agreed to been walked over.
Yep ... what a bitter post. I have never once seen commonsens write a single nice thing about women, ever. So OP I would take this with a huge grain of salt.
OP You have to do what ever you think is right. In the big scheme of things it is only a ring. If she is that type of woman, I am sure you probably already knew that since you obviously have been with her for quite a while since you have gotten engaged. She probably has expensive taste ... you said she paid the difference herself and could afford it ...
So either accept that she is like this, or break it off. It is so simple. I can understand that you would be hurt, as you were given the choice of one out of three rings.
OP perhaps you should go and spend some time on decoding the female language posts for a bit. Obviously you and your SO were not speaking the same language. I think it would be better time spent on working together on being better communicators so that you don't hit these brick walls too often on your long journey of marriage.
I am sure there were allot of "female" clues when you made your final choice ... little tears perhaps that you pick door number 2 and it should have been door number one. hahaha come on OP, be better communicators than worrying about the bling.
Cheers and happy engagement
Savona | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 8:15:37 AM | The ring is only a symbol. That said, one has to wonder what the "symbolism" is when she upgrades it. Guess she's the type who is never satisfied, eh? Are you SURE you want to be married to this woman?
But, to counteract my overreacting, women (especially pretty women) are intoxicated by pretty things, so...you know her better than I do...can you merely laugh this off as part of your fiance's personality or do you think this'll lead to other "trade-up" indisgressions, like infidelity, in the future?
Now that I read an earlier post, she paid the difference, that's cool--it's just jewelry. Would've been nice if she asked you first-! | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 8:47:12 AM | Abbicci wrote:
So your entire relationship is all about the ring? Is it just a ring, is it a magic ring? Who are you, Golem?
She has to wear it, she payed the difference. It would have been nice if she talked to you about it but I don't know jack about your relationship so I really can't say.
I guess I respect people who pay more attention to their vows than a ring.
Be prepared for people to say this is a great thing to end a relationship over. Everyone will call her a materialistic douche bag and you need to get out now. I think she should dump you first because you clip your toe nails the wrong way.
followed by Savona:
In the big scheme of things it is only a ring. If she is that type of woman, I am sure you probably already knew that since you obviously have been with her for quite a while since you have gotten engaged. She probably has expensive taste ... you said she paid the difference herself and could afford it ... .
Now, I've got to say in advance I'm not a jewelry person, and when I wed all we exchanged were wedding bands, so my take may be missing a bit.
But, Both Abbicci and Savona, I think, are closer to my thinking than most others. For me the issue revolves around the elephant in the room that we are not seeing or talking about, and that is has she shown other behavior similar to this during their courtship time. For instance, does she only appreciate expensive restaurants? Does she only wear "designer" clothes. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
If this is the only time this action has taken place it is possible, from her point of view, that she thought she was doing the right thing. It is possible that she views this ring with all the symbolism and sincerity that the majority of the posters here associate with the ring, and because of that she wanted the one that she would wear "'til death do us part." If that is the case ('course, don't know since she hasn't posted) then her picking up the difference and following up on her desires sounds about right. She didn't pester the OP, yes she was in a funk but that could be over how to bring up the subject -- we don't know.
Again, I'm not a jewelry person, engagement rings are kind'a screwy to me; so, unless I'm proven wrong, I'm kind'a in her corner. But, I do wish we knew more about past behavior.
OP, man up, talk to her, if all is above board, man-up, and realize that it's just a stone dug out of the ground and polished a bit. It's not like you made it yourself with your own blood sweat and tears. There will other times in marriage that something similar will happen - your tastes and her's are not always going to mesh perfectly, and I'll bet there will be some occassion when something you buy for her (to wear) will stay in the closet, get returned, or _____.
TK
{I was going to say get thrown on the floor, but there are items we buy where that's a good thing!} | |
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Savona
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Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 87 | |
| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 1:59:35 PM |
She is obviously materialistic.
That is only YOUR opinion of her. and what if she is, what do you care? You are not the one engaged to her now are you?
All the prejudgment as usual. First if she is materialistic, then the OP must already know and he still asked her to marry him, didn't he? If she isn't materialistic and this is the one thing that was so important to her ... then that is what it is ...
OP said she talked to him about it, he agreed that she could exchange it if she wanted to ... again it is more about why is the OP feeling the need to post this question.
S | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 2:10:08 PM | You guys are really helping me think this through.
This was the first issue between us that involved money. She helps pay for half or more of everything we do together. She is not a gold digger.
What I learned is I need to communicate my feeling a little better but sometimes it is hard to think/feel/react quick when trying to process everything. The ring would still have been exchanged cuz she really wanted the other one more.
I guess my real issues is I wanted to be appreciated for the whole proposal and returning the ring took some of that away from me.
Logically I should not care but this is the first time in three years that I loved someone like this. I want to be good.
Still rolling it around in my brain... | |
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Savona
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Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 89 | |
| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 2:25:52 PM |
She will upgrade your house, car, clothes, etc. She is obviously materialistic.
and the other posters who wrote crap like this ...
OP:
This was the first issue between us that involved money. She helps pay for half or more of everything we do together. She is not a gold digger.
Well well there you have it, not all women are gold diggers. some of you men don't know shiit.
OP if you love her, this is just a day, next comes the wedding, and since I have been mother of the bride once and there will be more to come I can tell you the ring will pal by comparison to the wedding, then your future family. Let it go. Don't worry, be happy .... tra la la la
Congratulations by the way !!!!
Savona | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 2:39:28 PM |
The ring is only a symbol. That said, one has to wonder what the "symbolism" is when she upgrades it. Guess she's the type who is never satisfied, eh?
Um, no. Sometimes a ring is just a damn ring she'll be hopefully wearing for the rest of her life. People spend more time deciding what tv or car to buy, but the poor woman should be carrying an ugly rock for the rest of her life because it's a "symbol", and if she doesn't it's a proof of all sorts of character flaws (materialistic, never satisfied, yadda yadda). Amazing how many people project their own preconceptions to everyone else and then judge them for that. | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 3:56:25 PM | | hi... OP, I think that the people who are telling you to leave her or telling you that she sounds like a gold digger are probably people speaking from their own disappointments and bad experiences... they want to warn you so that you will not go through what they did... here it is OP, you can be bitter and unhappy because you are about to marry a gold digging selfish woman ~or~ you can be the happiest man in the world because you will do the right things... OP, the ring is a symbol ..are you going to stay out with the boys and not call, or never wake up with the baby when it cries at 2am and are you going to forget her Birthday.... maybe you are you going to try your hardest to make her happy, to lift her up and to love her to pieces... she in turn will throw the pre-game party before you go out with the boys, she will greet you with a warm hug and kiss every night after work and she will stay with you when you are old, tired and a little broken... a good woman would never upgrade if she gets what she gives.... many blessings OP | |
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drstew
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Joined: 7/31/2009
Msg: 93 | |
| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 4:31:18 PM |
She helps pay for half or more of everything we do together. She is not a gold digger.
And you are griping because of an upgrade that she paid for? In my thinking, I think it is the other way around. Your thinking is way too trivial. If I were the woman in this situation-- I would have to rethink the relationship. I don't what else you are expecting but you've got someone that meets you half way. You said your budget was between 4-8 and she still stuck to the budget and now you are whining like a baby. If I were the woman in this situation-- I would have to rethink the marriage, end of story.
I think personally, you would have felt better if she would have paid for half of the wedding ring. Have you never been out any money in your life? Or are you looking for some kind of safety net? | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 4:34:50 PM | | Three days? That is harsh. I'd waited at least a year or two at which point he would not care. | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 4:37:21 PM |
If I were a guy I would probably break the engagement. If what I gave you as my sentiment of love is not good enough then I can imagine what my life with you will hold.
Sometimes the past does speak for the present and the future..not always...but in this case...geesh OP...you better pay attention.
Absolutely!
Can you hear it now? "Pft... you were making 50,000 a year before we got married, why aren't making 100,000 now!?! You're such a loser my mother warned not to marry you! How I am supposed to support my shopping habit now?" | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 4:42:15 PM | | I agree with this (from midlandtom). Some women have clothes, bags, shoes and other jewelry that are high end and pretty expenseive and e/r would have to "match". Otherwise it would look out of place. | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 4:55:58 PM |
OP if you love her, this is just a day, next comes the wedding, and since I have been mother of the bride once and there will be more to come I can tell you the ring will pal by comparison to the wedding, then your future family. Let it go. Don't worry, be happy .... tra la la la
Terrible advice.
Actions speak lounder than words. He probably works hard for his money like the rest of us. Maybe he even saved for the ring in first place. A man will typically buy the best ring he can afford to not only make a somewhat superficial impression on his soon-to-be wife, but to show his love and affection for her.
The ring isn't an accessory that needs to "match" your shoes, dresses or purses. It's a symbol of a bond, of someone's love for you.
To trade it in after a couple of days speaks volumes about what "she" thinks of his love. What he worked for, what he picked out for her just wasn't good enough, now was it? If she is that prickly about the single most important materialistic symbol shared between them, how the hell do you think she's going to act regarding other "things?"
Why does my gut tell me that if this were a man who traded in his band (if she picked it out and bought it for him) for "something bigger and better" the collective sisterhood would be here frothing at the mouth belittling everything about him? | |
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 4:56:27 PM | Ok OP, you need to really explain and put things in context. You stated, after I read many posts:
Thanks for all of your input. I need to clear up a few things.
My budget was for about $4-8K. I paid $5k and she upgade $1.4k higher. Out of the 100 rings it was down to about 3. I thought I picked the one she "loved" but I picked the wrong one.
We both make good money, but I make a little more.
She was in funk yesterday and today so I asked her what was the problem. She would not tell me at first and then told me she wanted the other ring. Yeah, it stings a little. All romantic symbolic gestures of me giving her the ring are tainted at this point (for me). I told her to get it then. And she did.
I'm not mad, just disappointed.
So... She TOLD you she had changed her mind and WANTED the other ring. YOU told her to get it then... I suppose you gave her the impression it was not a big deal...
Deep down... somewhere inside you, the whole issue bothers you... It appears here that you gave the wrong impression at the beginning of your post and you are just disapointed...
OP, you need to communicate better with us... I really understand where your fiançée comes from.
I had a very similar experience... With my ex, we did go ring shopping... My heart was light and I was accutely aware of the budget he had. The so called ring was gold band. It was not expensive at all. I do not like diamonds.... But... one ring caught my eye and it was much more expensive than the gold band and I regretted telling him and I said nothing.
So, I ended up wearing this gold band that I did not like that much and I just tried very hard to just ignore that weird feeling in my gut.
See, as stupid as it sounds. I always had that weird feeling all the time I would absently end up looking at my ring... Every friggen time, I would think of the other ring... This had nothing to do with the feelings I had for him. It all had to do that I knew I was stuck looking on and off at a ring I did not want... I knew that as much as I would try not to... The other friggen ring I wanted would come to mind.
It appears that your girlfriend was honest with you and you stated that you told her to get it...
Geez... You need to develop better communications skills. I sincerely believe she has no issues with this.
Remember, it is something she will wear for the life of your marriage. Something she will look at when she had a rough day and (for me anyway) would make my day just a little brighter. Think about it that way.
From what you are expressing anyway... This is what I get.
I totally understand the side of your fiançée.
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 4:59:56 PM | Why does my gut tell me that if this were a man who traded in his band (if she picked it out and bought it for him) for "something bigger and better" the collective sisterhood would be here frothing at the mouth belittling everything about him?
This sister would be happy that he changed the ring because it is something that he will WANT to keep on his finger for the life of the marriage. To me, this would be a non issue.
Wonders about the brotherhood attitude on here... 
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| What would you think/do if...
Posted: 8/27/2009 5:06:39 PM | OP;
it would be one thing if you picked it without knowing her taste at all, but since you both went through many, you knew her preference and she literally told you to pick which one you liked the most (which made it personal to you), I think I would feel pretty wel, not real thrilled if they went behind my back and ditched it in for something more expensive and less sentimental; when they had already said to pick the one that meant the most to me.
I don't know if it was a one off thing, or if it is a sign of things to come; but I'd maybe consider it a pretty decent sized red flag... this is where you have to be brutally honest with yourself and see if you are "overlooking" other things that you're trying to give a benefit of the doubt; which would be obvious if you were an outsider looking in. Many times we see what we want to see. And that can be good when trying to give the benefit of the dobut; but if we don't face what we really need to see, that's not good. Especially before the vows are exchanged.
Keep your eyes open, and best of luck... | |
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