Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why do women try to make men feel quilty?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 dysfunction_junction
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 26
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
No one should make another person responsible for how they feel, since everyone has the ability to control what they feel.

If a person refuses to accept responsibility for their feelings, and learn how to control what they feel, they're nothing more than a leaf in the wind, at the whim of circumstances - like a puppet on a string.


i think you're a little off there, op. there's a difference between being responsible for one's own feelings, and recognizing when they're being trampled on, disregarded, or even manipulated. and "being responsible for your feelings" doesn't magically excuse others from being responsible for their behavior.

feelings are real enough in and of themselves. emotions are a very primal thing. if somebody were to say something deliberately inflammatory to you, unless you're thick as a brick in most circumstances i doubt you'd not have an appropriately negative feeling to go with it. you can't do much to control the emotional response directly; the only thing you can do it is control it indirectly by your behavior.... it's the difference between "react" and "respond".

you present these really broad statements about feelings and responsibility and then close by saying something just a little more specific... Trying to make a man guilty for how you feel is just plain wrong... which i assume is the real issue in question. but your statement is sort of like a dangling chad... it's just kinda hanging there and half-connected... it's without any real context. because if somebody is "trying to make a man feel guilty", then is that because the person doing the "trying" is contriving & manipulative? or is it because the man in question is completely clueless about how his actions affect others? or even scarier, it could be some of both.
 verityone
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 27
view profile
History
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 5:58:05 AM

think you're a little off there, op. there's a difference between being responsible for one's own feelings, and recognizing when they're being trampled on, disregarded, or even manipulated. and "being responsible for your feelings" doesn't magically excuse others from being responsible for their behavior.

+1

It's a slippery slope, when it comes to another's feelings. So, it's often a judgment call. Theirs vs yours. That's where conflicts arise the most. That's why I don't believe in the concept of "opposites attract". You're just setting yourself up for drama.

It's difficult to answer your question properly, without a qualifier, OP. As opinions will vary wildly, given each scenario is different, and you have many elements to factor in.
But, I think, generally most people know when they've done something wrong where true remorse is required.

But there are instances where people get off on guilt trips, and milk them for all they're worth. It can be a method of control.
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 28
view profile
History
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 6:18:17 AM
OP this doesn't really make much sense to me...if a man does something that hurts my feelings, that is my problem? And if I say something and he feels guilty - somehow I've now done something wrong? I don't get it.

If someone does do something that hurts my feelings or upsets me - I don't play the guessing game, and I don't pout - I say - that really hurts my feelings. If that makes him feel guilty...well, it does, there is nothing to be done about that...works the other way around too, you know.

Should people just allow their SO to continue hurting them, or doing something that bothers them, without saying a word? Where's the communication there? And how can anything be resolved, if you don't speak up?

I really don't think I understand you on this one.
 honeyangel1985
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 29
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 6:48:25 AM
If a partner has done something wrong, which hurts their wife or gf then they need to be held accountable for their negative actions. The hurt partner needs to voice their displeasure loud and clear rather than sit back and tolerate such negativity from a partner. Good if it makes the at fault partner feel guilty because they should if they've done something wrong. Not holding a partner accountable is letting him away with what he has done and the pain he has caused.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 30
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 6:58:54 AM
Oh, another subtle woman bashing thread.

Men do this, too, and not only do they for the reason you mention, but in other ways.

I recently met a man at school who tried to make me feel guilty on the first date! I "hurt" his feelings and "personally attacked" his artwork. He said, "I thought we could be friends but now I don't know," and a few other things specifically aimed at manipulating me with guilt. That was that, right? Nope, I saw him at school the next week and he said the thing about being friends again. This time, I looked him in the eye and said, "Don't EVEN say that type of crap to me."

And he still wants to see me again. Go figure. Dead end.
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 31
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 7:09:55 AM
The first word that jumps out at me is 'invalidation'.

That's considered one of the most damaging forms of psychological abuse:

Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. It is an attempt to control how they feel and for how long they feel it. Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each persons's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature and may be called a crime against nature, "psychological murder", or "soul murder." Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile'

The above is just a little excerpt from a medical article.
 brown_eyed_woman
Joined: 8/31/2008
Msg: 32
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 7:36:00 AM
No one can 'make' me feel guilty. If I do something to hurt anothers feelings and it is pointed out, I will apologize, may even feel a little guilty for a bit, but the person telling me didnt make me feel guilty. I allowed myself to feel guilty, big difference.

I dont carry feeling guilty for very long, once I apologize and make amends, it is up to that person to either forgive or not. Me feeling guilty wont change this and is basically a wasted emotion after I have made amends, so I let it wash away really quick.
 Vincent_1984
Joined: 11/14/2005
Msg: 33
view profile
History
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 7:46:08 AM
Well, just to be clear on this, both men and women will use guilt as a tool. Even this thread is an attempt to make a specific group feel guilty about making others feel guilty, guilt is a very subtle method of manipulation. However, there is a definite difference between using guilt to show someone whom you feel did something wrong and using guilt to get something you want out of simple greed.


The former usually implies an attempt to raise a sense of empathy into an otherwise apathetic person(or at least apathetic towards the subject at hand), explicitly expressing how their action(or lack of action), whether it is truly right or wrong, affects another negatively. This is a response which I can somewhat condone and even will be guilty of myself at times(even in this very post). I may not appreciate that someone would rather change something about me they deem negative(which in most cases I may not even consider negative within my own judgement) rather than simply accept me with both my qualities and my faults but I know that it usually comes from this persons good intentions, that they might not even be aware of their own manipulative efforts and that, in some cases, it may even be deemed a necessary evil in order to maintain a relation. However, I also believe that we are all in control of how we react to other peoples behaviors and that the most ethical, although more difficult, solution is to simply change our own reactions rather than trying to changing someone else's actions.


Now, someone who tries to abuse my trust, my empathy and my goodwill in order to get what they want(often at my own expense) while fully aware of what they are doing, I have a lot less patience for. This is a much more harmful degree of guilt manipulation. I have seen it many times where someone successfully made another feel guilty even when there was nothing to be made guilty of. This is the sort of behavior I could only expect from a child but is truly petty when coming from adults.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 34
view profile
History
Why do women try to make men feel Guilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 7:48:30 AM
^^^Exactly.

How are all our feelings OUR responsibilty? If you had a man who constantly put you down,made you feel worrthless in front of your friends by saying or doing certain things he shouldn't be . . .why on earth she WE take responsibilty for our feelings when its his actions that have caused it?

I feel that it's my responsibility for feeling like crap if I ALLOW a guy to talk to me like that. The only one who's authorized to put me down is myself. Anyone else who tries to do that job is immediately dismissed (that includes my mother, lol).
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 35
view profile
History
Why do women try to make men feel Guilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 8:03:09 AM

i think you're a little off there, op. there's a difference between being responsible for one's own feelings, and recognizing when they're being trampled on, disregarded, or even manipulated. and "being responsible for your feelings" doesn't magically excuse others from being responsible for their behavior.



How are all our feelings OUR responsibilty? If you had a man who constantly put you down,made you feel worrthless in front of your friends by saying or doing certain things he shouldn't be . . .why on earth she WE take responsibilty for our feelings when its his actions that have caused it?

These two posts go hand in hand. If your feelings are being disregarded, etc. and you don't bring it up, that is not taking responsibility for your feelings because if you are in the situation directly above, and you choose to stay and don't do anything, that is on you. My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive and I stayed as long as I did for a variety of reasons but I did not internalize his bullshit ergo while his rants were upsetting it didn't cause me to view myself differently.

What the OP has done is what all of the posts basically have said, whether she was trying to make him feel guilty or not, we don't know, he chose to see her actions as motivated to make him feel badly rather than trying to discuss a problem that she saw with his behavior, etc.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 36
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 8:40:44 AM

OP this doesn't really make much sense to me...if a man does something that hurts my feelings, that is my problem? And if I say something and he feels guilty - somehow I've now done something wrong? I don't get it.


I really don't think I understand you on this one.

I think you understood him just fine!

jr123567 and lovemesomemen,very nice... I was working on something about blankets, myself, but I think this is better!
 ~GoneSailing~
Joined: 6/5/2009
Msg: 37
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 8:54:32 AM
Jesus.
No one can make you feel quilty. Unless you're Charmin bathroom tissue. Quilty is something a blanket feels. I have no idea how a man would feel quilty...unless you're squeezbly soft or full of Downy. Which I think is unlikely.

Don't be a dolt. Or don't try to give the impression that you are. We've all seen your posts on here numerous times, and only a dawg tries to sluff off his bad behavior in being a dawg to blame it on the woman.

Why are you trying to do that?

It's emotional manipulation and you very well know it.

Trying to say she's making you feel GUILTY (note? Not quilty!) because you've been a dawg?

Sorry. I'm a grown up and I'm not buying that crap. It's your way of saying

"I did something wrong, made her cry and feel bad - so why's she have to make me feel crappy about myself for doing it?"

Uhm....well because a dawg's a dawg. A spade's a spade. Call it what you will.

But if you feel emotionally crappy for being a bad person - I suggest you own it, instead of blaming it on women and their inabilities to handle their emotions.

Gawd. This thread really makes you look bad dude.

Trying to make a man feel guilty?
Trying to pretend you're a good man when you're a dawg?
That's deceit.
Lying.
Misleading with intent.

Read your Bible much?
 miss_contemplative
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 38
view profile
History
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 8:56:41 AM
Guilt, earned or unearned is the responsibility and maintenance of THE ONE experiencing it.

If a woman is "making you feel guilty" and you have no reason to feel guilty, then why would you feel something that isn't yours to feel unless you already FEEL guilty and she just helps provoke you to feel it even more.


Are you willing to acknowledge that your feelings are your own and that they’re entirely your responsibility? Trying to make a man guilty for how you feel is just plain wrong...


Are you willing to acknowledge that any feelings you experience are YOURS and YOURS alone and not the property of anyone external to you?

The guilt is yours. Question your own mind and deal with your weakness around being "guilt tripped" by someone who wants you to feel bad for something you've done.

Takes courage to stand in the truth. Takes even more to know when you actually have done something to feel guilty about.

But some people lack a sound conscience. They always feel like someone is trying to "guilt" them because they have that nagging feeling at the back of their beings that tells them it's their fault and not their own.
 NerdStatus
Joined: 1/9/2007
Msg: 39
view profile
History
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 9:33:36 AM

why does she try to make the man feel guilty for it?

This is the example she had growing up, OR she learned she could manipulate her parents using this technique. Probably a bit of both.

If your feelings are the result of external circumstances, or what people say about you, how can you direct your life in a constructive way?

Surround yourself by constructive people?

is that fair?

Did you commit the unpardonable sin? I generally think getting the third degree is inexcusable, disrespectful, and shows disregard for someone else's feelings. Not the type of qualities I want in a partner.

since everyone has the ability to control what they feel.

Wait – I thought you said your feelings were the result of external circumstances, or what people say about you?

If a person refuses to accept responsibility for their feelings, and learn how to control what they feel, they're nothing more than a leaf in the wind, at the whim of circumstances - like a puppet on a string.

Not true. You can't control how you feel. You can only control how you REACT.

Are you willing to acknowledge that your feelings are your own and that they’re entirely your responsibility?

No. If I catch my GF banging some other dude – if I'm angry & hurt, that's not entirely my responsibility. It's a reaction to external circumstances.

No one can make another feel guily, unless they are guilty.

I disagree. I've known a lot of "feeling" types that will feel guilty for things that are out of their control, or even if they're "in the right". Many of them understand the feeling they have is illogical, but they still have it.
 green.apple
Joined: 8/20/2009
Msg: 40
view profile
History
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 9:42:30 AM
According to that theory, your described feeling of guilt is entirely up to you being your own responsibility and you cannot blame her for that. Or have I missed something?
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 41
view profile
History
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 10:10:20 AM
OP -- It's all a power trip.

They do it because they have to be "on top". If you say or do something to hurt her, and believe me according to the female mind this could constitute just about anything on any given day...then they wanna fight back and make YOU feel a sting.

Making a man feel guilty for how you feel is just plain wrong. They are YOUR feelings. YOU own them. Guilt trips and the ploys that go with it are beyond juvenile. Same applies to the infamous "silent treatment".

Pretty sad day when a grown ass adult has to resort to acting out like a spoiled 3 year old when they get their itty bitty feelings hurt...

WAH.
 limey-ade
Joined: 8/16/2008
Msg: 42
view profile
History
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 10:40:10 AM
I've had a fair few 'guilt trips' laid on me in the past and it's not pleasant.
Still it depends on the person, not the sex of them.
Some people filter out their hurt onto others and some dont.
 pro-filer
Joined: 5/9/2008
Msg: 43
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 12:51:08 PM

No one should make another person responsible for how they feel since everyone has the ability to control what they feel.

I disagree. Feelings are rather more complex; they are somewhat controllable by our thoughts, but equally they affect how we think. Being in a relationship with someone means that we'll have emotional reactions to the things they say or do, either positive or negative. If we didn't, then they wouldn't be any more important to us than a random street person. While feelings aren't completely under our control, how we ACT on those feelings is what we can control, and ultimately that can change our emotional reaction.


If your feelings are the result of external circumstances

In my opinion, we do have the right to tell people how their actions have made us feel: "When you phone me just to say you love me, I feel happy" has the same importance as "You going out for beers with the guys 4 nights out of 7 and coming home drunk and wanting sex makes me unhappy". Many men are happy to take the first comment at face value and accept that his actions have made her happy, but when hearing the second comment they seem inclined to suddenly want her to "take responsibility for her own feelings" rather than saying it's because of him that she feels unhappy. At least, that has sometimes been my experience.


A man might be totally clueless that's he's done anything wrong, yet he's given the third degree as though he's committed the unpardonable sin, is that fair?

Kids are often totally clueless about doing anything wrong, and when they are informed of their error; they often feel this is unfair and resent being given the third degree, or any trouble at all. Does that necessarily make the correction unfair?

If you believe you have behaved in a completely acceptable manner, then someone else's attempt to make you feel bad shouldn't affect you at all. Take your own advice, be responsible for your own feelings, and if a woman (or anyone) tries to make you feel guilty, just say no.
 jadegreen
Joined: 2/3/2006
Msg: 44
view profile
History
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 1:12:28 PM
If the man said something that made a women feel hurt then it is his actions and words apparently that did cause the pain...(im assuming it is pain)....If he cared about her feelings he would not want her to feel hurt....

These feelings apparently were a direct result of something said by the man...What did this man say to this woman?

A person can own up to their own feelings in their own time and at their own free will..not simply because you will it so....A person can own up to their own feelings no doubt, but in this situation you plainly stated that something was said to cause the feelings...I'm a person that focuses on CAUSE AND EFFECT...you apparently were not the recipient of something hurtful said...so it is easy for you to simply be a bystander observing that which you do not feel yourself ...
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 45
view profile
History
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 1:24:12 PM

No one should make another person responsible for how they feel, since everyone has the ability to control what they feel.
If you think this is the case then whats the problem? If you apply the same conditions to your feelings as you do to hers then you shouldn't be feeling guilty, since you have to ability to control what you feel right?

What you are saying is hypocritical... She shouldn't be feeling bad about something "you" did because she should be able to control her feelings, but "you" are feeling bad because of something she said that made "you" feel guilty.... So should she be able to control how she feels but you shouldn't??
 guyd42
Joined: 10/13/2008
Msg: 46
view profile
History
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 1:29:05 PM
“No one can make another feel guily, unless they are guilty.”

Not true. Some people will rant over and over and over until you actually start questioning yourself. Police often obtain confessions this way. The truth often comes out as someone else confess.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 47
view profile
History
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 1:46:31 PM
I totally agree with golfgirl, no one has the power to make you guilty if you are not guilty...
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 1:50:46 PM
Why do any people, man/ woman. adult/child, try to make someone guilty, because they either feel insulted or cheated and want you to stop doing what your doing by making you guilty, or they want thier way in a situation that is completely ridiculous. For instance went out with a guy hwo had severe mecial issues with his grill, I mean green white hardend plauqe all over his gums and teeth and looked like he was a n ex-meth user. I didn't go there with the meth, but there was noooooooo way in hell that I would kiss him or date him. So he guilted me calling a shallow/vain/biatch....and it was just cause he was mad and felt hurt and wanted me to be his girl. He made 4o gran a year had a 400 dollar a month apartment and needed to fix his shizz before going on a dat expecting a girl to to anything with him/////ugggg. So it is either she wants you to lower your standards or your being a jerk and she wants you to be nice.
 Passionate Gent
Joined: 5/2/2009
Msg: 49
Why do women try to make men feel quilty?
Posted: 9/1/2009 2:20:12 PM
~GoneSailing~ there are many breeds of fluffy and cuddly looking dogs.
woof woof
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 50
Stop the presses, hold the phone
Posted: 9/1/2009 3:10:03 PM

...had a 400 dollar a month apartment ...

It's possible to get an apartment for $400 a month in AZ?

I am so moving...
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why do women try to make men feel quilty?