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Posted: 9/6/2009 5:46:25 AM | | OP....first of all...YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM....it's not a deal breaker and is an std that can be monitored. Personally I would never walk away from someone if he told me he had it because it shows me he is honest and if he felt he needed to tell me this, then I look at him as an ethical person...not too many of those around these days. Herpes is as common as the common cold....many have it and don't even realize they have it. It's not a death sentence...there are meds out there for it and there should be no need to stop a relationship for this reason alone. I know there is probably a great deal about this that I 'm not aware of, but your best bet is to check reputable sites such as the Mayo Clinic where they're only purpose is to educate rather than to take your money. | |
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Posted: 9/6/2009 9:05:37 AM | Have a frank conversation with him before things progress further.
Don't be surprised if his choice is to move-on. I have seen others down-play this issue but it is HUGE. I personally would not risk dating someone with an STD.
If I were you, I would seek to date a man who has the same "issue".
You need to be honest with this guy and any other man you may consider being intimate with in the future. | |
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Posted: 9/6/2009 9:20:16 AM |
I personally would not risk dating someone with an STD.
You probably have, and may be now. Many are unaware that they are infected and have no idea that it is not a standard blood test. This is also true for gonorrhea, chlamydia, and trichomoniasis, which are also surprisingly often asymptomatic, with the slight difference that those three have no blood test.
If you at least read the first post, you'd know that the OP stated clearly that she knows she needs to tell him, and has told prior partners; she was just looking for input on how and when to raise the subject.
If you read further, you'd know that she has told him. | |
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Posted: 9/6/2009 9:35:58 AM | Agree with zephyrmoon on this...although I do not know all of the intraquacies of your relationship - I wish you well and hope it works out.
I have herpes (admitted it on other threads) it rocked my world for several months (in a bad way) - clearly kept everything in perspective, could have been ALOT worse. That said, it is what is - taking valtex (it helps), but that little bugger will never leave and as a responsible adult, it will be discussed when the time is right, way before articles of clothing are strewn all over the house.
I sincerely hope it works for you and that he wants to pursue the relationship | |
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Posted: 9/6/2009 10:05:34 AM | | Herpes can also be contracted from INVISIBLE sores, inside the vagina or penis, which is why herpes is so scary. Ooze from the cooze or penis, if it's oozing past unseen herpes sores, can spread this thing sure as fire. | |
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Posted: 9/6/2009 10:26:05 AM | | well I havent heard back from him since I told him thru email. He did reply and said he would call but he hasnt. I cant take rejection so I emailed him today and told him to not make a decision and that I should not have pursued him and burdened him with all this. I cant imagine what he thinks of me now and i wish I wouldnt have told him or ever tried to get back with him. | |
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Posted: 9/6/2009 12:25:09 PM | | If someone told me this information and I had seriously been considering a LTR with them prior to this, I would need more time to think about my next move. Give him time and leave it alone and let him get back to you. I'm thinking either way he will let you know his decision. Afterall, it is a major thing to think about and not to be taken lightly. | |
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Posted: 9/6/2009 2:19:02 PM | Damn, I'm sorry to hear that, honestabla... it's only been a couple of days, though. Took me longer than that to decide whether or not to keep seeing the fellow who asked me if it was a deal-breaker. IIRC, he waited about a week before I gave him an answer, which must've been hard on him, but it was just about all new to me! I had a lot to learn before I could decide. We continued talking during that time, which helped.
I hope you'll still see him when he's in your area, just to visit, anyway. I have a feeling that at the very least, he'll reassure you that he thinks no less of you as a person. | |
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Posted: 9/6/2009 4:31:40 PM | dear miss honest abla
you are not meeting someone new...you are not seeing if there is a spark... you are planning to rekindle an old relationship... now is your question should i tell him now... before he is that into me. should i wait and see if i can get him hooked on me so he won't be so quick to run out on me....
if he had herpes when would you like him to tell you? | |
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Posted: 9/6/2009 4:40:32 PM | I'm sorry, but if someone dumped me and showed up years later wanting me back and revealed she had herpes, not only would I turn her away, I'd be thrilled for the opportunity to do so. One of the most wonderful experiences for a guy is to reject someone who rejected them before and the herpes is the icing on the cake.
g$d i hope you are among the minority! just the thought of someone showing delight in an others suffering is beyond pithy... have you not an ounce of self respect! | |
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Posted: 9/6/2009 4:46:10 PM | ^^^^ Agree with that.
So, Honestalba, any chance of a follow up on your situation? How did your guy respond to the news? Have you talked since?
I seriously have my fingers crossed that he did not show some of the ignorance and stupidity displayed in this thread, and you two are talking through the situation. | |
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Posted: 9/6/2009 5:28:35 PM | | It guess I'm in the minority if the majority of men all did something wrong to be broken up with and didn't want to be with the woman who dumped them in the first place. I devote my life to people I'm involved with, it's perfectly normal for me to want those who spit on me after that to be struck with bad karma. I don't like to see people rewarded for making poor choices. | |
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Posted: 9/6/2009 6:23:21 PM | | chip- i did nothing to deserve this. I had a relationship, was lied to and now I have herpes. As for the guy I want back, you have no idea why we broke up. It wasnt ugly and nasty, I moved to go to college and it was a mutual break up. We were not ready to be married and wanted to get an education and grow up some. I never thought we would meet up again, we both figured we would be married with kids by now, neither of us has done that. Both of us now are more mature and want this relationship back, or did, until I told him about the H. I told him Friday, he said he would call that night... He hasnt called, I assume he is a wreck right now. I have sent some more emails and called him, but have heard nothing back. He is not the type to not get back to me, so he is either working, or extremely frustrated and doesnt know what to do. I just wish he would talk to me about it. | |
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Posted: 9/6/2009 7:19:48 PM | | I know you'll accept his decision if he has a problem with the H news. You've already said that. I'd give him more time though to sort it out. On the other hand, if he doesn't call, you'll be finding out something about him you needed to know as well. No matter what he decides, he at least owes you a phone call and some closure. Only a jackass would leave you hanging. And if that's the case, you may not have otherwise found out the Jackass part until some later date. So I'd say look at this experience as dodging a bullet. | |
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Posted: 9/7/2009 9:41:52 AM | I'll try a different perspective...
A few years ago my G/F and I split up. We were apart for over a year, We eventually got back together. In the intervening time she was with 3 guys, each one screwed her over and lied to her.( Really, women are far too trusting...) I told her she would have to get tested before we got back together. She understood that having anything would mean we would not get back together. Fortunately she was clean, although we had to wait months to be sure.... It's hard enough to deal with your Ex sleeping with other people while you were apart.... having a lifetime reminder of that would be too much....
Getting back with an Ex, you tend to want to feel there was no break up in between.... any kind of a reminder scratches at the wound.... and makes it harder....
In your case, the guy may have to take time to think it through. As much as some of the people on here try to trivialise herpes... for some people it is a serious ailment... it may affect one person only marginally, another person may have a seriously debilitating affliction....
This will affect his 'image' of you... and will be a constant reminder that you are no longer the same person that you were... Whether or no he can live with that is up to him... the more he cares about you, the more it will haunt him....
He may or may not be able to deal with it.... | |
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Posted: 9/7/2009 2:28:34 PM | | If men and women stay in there own age range the herpes virus should die out but older men with younger women like 15 years younger and older women with younger men and you keep the disease going on and on . I myself have never gotten a std in my life thank god. | |
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Posted: 9/7/2009 9:11:32 PM | ^^^ I cant even comment about the above post...WTF...
anyway, I have an update for those of you who care.
He finally called me tonite after I called him numerous times and texted and emailed him, yes I know I shouldnt have but I couldnt help it. He was with work all weekend and has been exhausted. He says he is frustrated and doesnt know what to do, I told him I understand and figured he would be. He doesnt have an answer for me and I told him I dont expect one now. He said he need to think about it more and has been thinking about if we get back together and IF things dont work out and he does get herpes from me, will he be screwed for life. I didnt even know what to say, I cant assume things will work out when there is no way to tell. I was a bit offended about the comment of him being screwed for life if he gets it, umm hello? i have it and my life isnt screwed. I didnt say anything, I can kinda understand what he is saying, dont think he realized that I have to deal with rejection and DO have herpes for the rest of my life. So anyway, he hasnt run for the hills, he is just frustrated and needs time. I understand and I dont have a time limit for an answer. He really was happy that I told him now instead of later on down the road and he agrees there are more pros than cons, but has a lot to think about. | |
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Posted: 9/8/2009 12:05:58 AM | ^^^ That's not a bad reaction. Those were my first thoughts, also, when grappling with this in much the same way. A bit tactless, maybe, to say it out loud in so many words... but, he was tired at the time, too.
You'll be seeing him in person before long. Probably everything'll look different to you both then. | |
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Posted: 9/8/2009 9:53:45 AM | *banging head against wall*...LMAO
That makes absolutely no sense!! Doesn't even come close to making sense!! Tell me you're kidding right?!?!? Please explain to my how dating within your own age group protects you from herpes or any other std???
(this should be good!) | |
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Posted: 9/8/2009 10:13:59 AM | | Plus from what I've seen on those television commercials your life is more fun with herpes. You get to go kayaking and stuff with other hot looking people. | |
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Posted: 9/8/2009 10:54:25 PM | i would like to make a correction/apology for one piece of my above post --#89. this is the one piece i took from a friend who is a blood donor and took her word for it! she was right about not carrying the herpes virus in order to give blood, but she was wrong that is was hsv 1 or 2. it was another herpes virus! the rest of what i quoted comes from the manual i referenced and pub med articles and is accurate/up to date.
apparently herp 1 and 2 ARE allowed by blood banks and are not blood borne. it is another herpes virus that is blood borne and only 20 percent of the population, who test negative, can donate their blood to newborns and immune compromised adults. this herpes virus is CMV (cytomegalovirus). they say 80 percent of us are carriers as well. however, the 80 percent are still eligible to donate blood to someone with a healthy immune system.
this is NOT to say that the majority of the population-- who "carry" hsv 1 AND/OR 2, but who have not ever blistered-- cannot pass onto immune compromised adults! THEY CAN, JUST NOT VIA BLOOD, VIA CONTACT AT A SHEDDING AREA VIA THE NERVOUS SYSTEM.
again, many shed, but do not have visible blisters. they probably are often called liars by those who catch it from them, when in fact they are quite uninformed and really do not know they carry! however, once informed, if they do not get tested, then they are choosing to pass on the risk. in fact, one can argue that all of us should get tested, informed or not! again, this is not standard std testing--UNLESS YOU ASK to have the tests performed.
again, as the population gets younger, we are down to about 80 percent carriers. it was 85 percent only a few years ago. so, FOUR OUT OF FIVE OF YOU ARE "CARRYING" HSV 1 AND/OR HSV2. UNLESS TESTED, FOUR OUT OF FIVE OF THE PEOPLE YOU HAVE HAD ORAL, GENITAL OR ANAL SEX WITH--ARE CARRIERS!!!! PLEASE READ THE e-BOOK I REFERENCED ABOVE in the first of my two prior posts.
this is not rocket science, but the denial is "victorian". hsv1 (traditionally cold sores near the mouth), when placed and surfaced in the genital area, is still "genital herpes". but somehow that's okay? i dunno......i guess some people just don't want to "deal with" this issue! | |
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Posted: 9/8/2009 11:02:44 PM | | go to a naturopathic doctor to cure the herpes. anyway, i would say be honest about herpes. i found out my soon to be ex has herpes but she was born with it cuz her bio dad gave it to her bio mom. | |
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Posted: 9/9/2009 5:49:10 AM |
go to a naturopathic doctor to cure the herpes.
You really shouldn't post incorrect information. There is NO CURE for HERPES. People who see something posted about a 'cure' will end up wasting time and money on false hopes. Or even worse, not worry about getting the disease in the first place because they "read somewhere" that it can be cured.... | |
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Posted: 9/9/2009 9:42:33 AM | silentman73, having read your posts here, I see that you are not very well informed. I got Herpes on my genitalia from oral sex with someone who had HSV1 on their mouth. It was in a long term monogamous relationship.
Those same sores are Herpes, but are referred to as 'cold sores', even by Docotrs. 90% of the population has the virus and yet do not know it or how it can be transferred. I am willing to bet you are not among the 10% who have neither HSV1 or 2. You need to have a Type specific IG serology, so unless you asked for it and paid for it (it is NOT in an STD screen) you may well have Herpes. Just a thought for your denial that you are so very clean and thus we are not.
M church is correct in this instance. Herpes lives in the nerves for your lifetime and there is no cure. Knowing your triggers, staying stress free, keeping a healthy immune system and possibly using meds if the previous 3 are impossible, can keep it at bay for the most part.
To the author, it is always best to tell sooner then later. It doesn't get easier to tell, so just make sure you are armed with knowledge and give him time to think about it. (I see that you have written him , but you should have left him time to think and offered to be there to answer questions. Guessing what he thinks of you is only going to make you feel badly. You are not your Herpes! Once he assures you he cannot handle it, move on to find someone who can. Message me privately if you wish)
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