| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/17/2009 11:39:48 PM |
So I should compromise my self esteem and private intimacy just to get in bed with people that aren't going to commit to me anyway? I'm not prepared to spend the rest of my life being a toy for gigolos.
Maybe in your age bracket you aren't willing to accept women with kids, but as you get older you'll realize that it will become harder and harder to find women who don't already have kids. You're going to make it very hard on yourself if you aren't willing to compromise.
There are plenty of men who are willing to accept a woman for who they are, kids or not. Just looks like you aren't one of them. Who said anything about gigolos? I'm essentially talking about someone you are genuinely friends with. Somebody to do things with, hang out, keep company, go bowling, go to botanical gardens, whatever it is that you both would enjoy doing.......a companion. And on occasion "more".
Also you aren't making sense: You earlier stated essentially that no man would want someone in your situation and now you say " There are plenty of men who are willing to accept a woman for who they are, kids or not."
*scratches head*
You don't need to be defensive...I'm not trying to convert you or anything. Simply providing a different viewpoint. Obviously you don't agree with it and that's cool. Do what suits you best. | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/18/2009 7:09:43 AM |
There are plenty of men who are willing to accept a woman for who they are, kids or not. Just looks like you aren't one of them
One thing that I do not understand, is why would anyone (man and woman), who already have kid(s) would need to date.
If you already have kid(s), you must first think of them, so there would not be time to date at all | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/18/2009 8:40:46 AM |
Well when I was younger, I was told that if by the time that you turn 30 you have not found anyone, then you never will.
45 is the new 30.
Research has shown that for a man reaching forty never-married, no kids, etc., the odds drop rather precipitously from there until they're about zero by age 45. That's for getting married. (And, yes, there are cases of men marrying for the first time later, but they're quite rare.) Doesn't mean you can't still do other things. So forty-ish is a good age to start thinking of moving into other modes so that you're ready for them by 45-ish.
Or you could get a jump on the Christman rush and start in on this project at age 25 or 30.  | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?- When is it no longer realistic to expect to create a new fam?
Posted: 10/18/2009 9:30:12 AM | Thank you Mr. Procolharem,
Fair enough; a clear, declarative response to an unwieldy question.
Another way of putting it would be 'at what age is it no longer realistic to expect to create, "from scratch", a functional, reasonably well adjusted nuclear family?' By "from scratch" I mean with a person previously unknown.
These are questions that I think cross many minds. Given that an exact numerical answer isn't likely to be well taken by those on the wrong side of the specified timeline point, its not surprising that answers given are vague and scarce. Hope springs eternal in man's hairy aging breast, and the desire not to snuff it out at any cost can mute an honest, robust discussion as to how just gray that chest hair can get before hope becomes delusion.
But we are men, and I think we can discuss it with rigor and civility.
When I step back to think about it, it does seem that the prospect of meeting someone new, establishing mutual attraction, establishing mutual exclusivity, forming a household, planning for, and then having children in the context of a loving, stable relationship that was thus created IS a lot to ask at any age.
I also see how this can become a bigger "ask' as the years of our natural lifespans pass away, never to return.
But what exactly happens on the 36th year of a man's life that forecloses that possibility?
Would you be willing to share the nature of your insight...to provide substantiation or just elaboration as your wit and wisdom afford? Can I respectfully inquire how you, Mr. "Procolharem", came to reach that particular conclusion?
I appreciate your courage in laying out and defending this clear position, and thank you in advance for any further feedback.
J.~ | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/18/2009 12:41:42 PM | "I haven’t heard to many success stories on this forum over the past few years."
First off, it's TOO, not TO many success...
Secondly, have you checked out the SUCCESS link? LOTS of success stories. | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/18/2009 1:32:45 PM | | if you want a kid bad enough, it doesn't matter how old you are when you get the chance to have one. it's a blessing anytime it happens. | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/18/2009 1:40:04 PM |
One thing that I do not understand, is why would anyone (man and woman), who already have kid(s) would need to date.
This is just off base, but in general, why does everybody assume, a 40-ish year old woman has to have kids? I don't, and even had men ask, why not and what is wrong with me ... bla bla ...
So, on one hand, men don't like women with kids, but they reject women without kids, because ... they instead went to school and worked on their carreer?
So they rather date a 20-ish dummy for procreation reason, but don't give a healthy, educated 40-ish year old a chance. And then they complain, that there is never enough money and the wife is too stupid to balance the check book. I've seen it!
And I took the advice above, to change my profile for "activity partner", since I should be realistic and stop looking for love, but to look for somebody to spend time with. And what do I get? Offers for bedroom activities.
I give up! | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/18/2009 2:07:57 PM | | I think the way it is going for me, I will probably not have a family, I am nearing 34 years of age and nothing in sight. Usually the ones I do meet already have kids and do not want anymore, which is fine. My attitude is if I have kids, great, if I never do, great also. | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/18/2009 5:12:21 PM | | You know it's funny, It's likely at the point when you completely give up that someone will come along. | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/18/2009 5:24:37 PM | OP NEVER GIVE UP! Take it from experience. I was dating for quite a few years and found nothing but scum of the earth walking in and back out of my life. Friends wondered how I remained so positive and continued to hold my chin up high after every heart break. That was because I knew that eventually he would find me ... and he did. I was 35 when I met my soul mate (on this very site too). I think in today's world you need to be "picky" (I called it being selective). The older one gets the more they get set in their ways and a lot of people don't like having their ways disrupted while other welcome "disruption" from a potential soul mate. OP had I given up, I'd still be sitting here ALONE instead I'm sitting here completely happy, healthy and in love. Take a look around, there are tons of people having kids well into their 40's ... my mom had me at 42. YOU need to decide what matters most to YOU & YOUR SO, having children later on in life and (to quote you)
be in your 60s take care of a teenage child or simply never having children at all. Good luck! | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/18/2009 5:28:09 PM | One thing that I do not understand, is why would anyone (man and woman), who already have kid(s) would need to date.
If you already have kid(s), you must first think of them, so there would not be time to date at all Honestly, what a ridiculous thing to say. Does this belief of your apply to partnered parents too?
Should husband and wife with children ignore their own marriage and not nurture and allow time for that, since they would have "no time at all"?yo
Anyone with knowledge and expertise around healthy realtionships will tell you that one of the crucial elements of parenting is to also allow time for your own adult relationship/s. Partnered parents are encouraged to make sure they allow time to 'date' one another. It's one of the classic things that tends to happen when children enter the picture. Parents tend to lose sight of their own relationship and often this is very damaging to them individually and as a couple.
So how is it any different for a single parent who takes some time out to 'date'? The time away/apart from their child/ren is no different. In fact in some regards it is far less significant since many single parents only allow time for dating when their child/ren are with the other parent.
It is not healthy for any person to function solely as a parent. Every person needs balance in their lives for mental and emotional stability and 'fitness'. A single parent is no different in that regard. | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/19/2009 7:51:40 AM | | I'm not even quite 30 yet and I'm already thinking of giving up. I really wanted to sort of grow up with my significant other in addition to growing old with her. I can't do that anymore and I don't feel I can have a meaningful relationship because of that, just a tepid arrangement devoid of emotion. | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/19/2009 8:49:08 AM |
Honestly, what a ridiculous thing to say. Does this belief of your apply to partnered parents too?
Yes, parent are just that parents once they have the kid(s). The kid(s) must come first and foremost | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/19/2009 9:44:47 AM | | ^^^^Well, if you truly believe that once you are a parent, there is no need/room for your relationship with the other parent (and by extension of that, should you be/become a single parent, there is no need/room for an adult relationship with a 'significant' other), then you have made a very good decision in not having children. Because your view of what it means to become/be a parent is extraordinarily narrow minded and dysfunctional to say the least. | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/19/2009 9:52:12 AM | I did not choose not to have children, I simply can not have any.
I never said that there is no room for the relationship, I said that the kid(s) has to come first, and it is the job of both parent within their relationship. | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/19/2009 10:01:42 AM | ^^^Of course it is. And yet they also must nurture, support and participate in their adult partnership. It is as important for their own individual emotional and mental health as it is for their partners.
And a single parent is no different. They too benefit enormously from an adult partnership. And just like for partnered parents, they can and should make time for it.
Your original statement was that you couldn't understand why a single parent would want to date and that they do not have time to date.
The reason why a single parent would want to date is no different to the reason why a partnered parent would want to take care of and participate in their marriage/partnership.
And to imply that if you put your children first, you have no time to date is nonsense. Again, a single parent is no different to a partnered parent in that regard.
Partnered parents go out on 'dates' with each other all the time. And they *should*. Single parents are no different. | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/19/2009 10:14:00 AM |
Partnered parents go out on 'dates' with each other all the time. And they *should*. Single parents are no different
That i just not true, all of the parents that I know do not go out on date, since they do family thing which include the kid(s). So if the parents that are still together do have the time to "date", then how could a single parent since they must do a lot more for the kid(s) since there is only one at the time and not two | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/19/2009 10:24:03 AM | That i just not true, all of the parents that I know do not go out on date, since they do family thing which include the kid(s). Oh, well if "all" the parents you know never go out without their kids, then it must never happen then!  
Seriously, from a psychological perspective, in terms of the importance of adult relationships alongside parenting, you are just flat out wrong. But don't take my word for it. Do your own research.
So if the parents that are still together do have the time to "date", then how could a single parent since they must do a lot more for the kid(s) since there is only one at the time and not two I assume you mean if partnered parents do not have the time to date?
Well firstly, that is wrong. They do. They just make the choice as to whether or not they will. But despite the ones you have met, I can assure you that plenty of partnered parents go out together without their children.
As to how a single parent does it, well pretty much the same way the partnered ones do. They get a babysitter....shocking! It might a paid 3rd party, it might be a family member, it might be a friend.
And of course many many single parents do not have sole custody of their child/ren. So they date when their child/ren are with the other parent.
That's what I do. I have on very rare occasions had the children's 'surrogate grandmother' babysit when I had a date (only ever at night when the children are asleep). But for the most part I date when the children are with their father. | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/19/2009 10:36:21 AM |
They get a babysitter
How could anyone let somebody else raise their own kid(s)
I know that if I could get any, I would not let somebody else raise him/her, that would be exclusive to me and my girlfriend and nobody else.
Babysitter is ok when the parents have to work at the same time otherwise getting a babysitter so that they could do whatever, life is not a big party like most people these days seems to think it is | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/19/2009 11:07:16 AM | ^^^
For crying out loud. Since when does getting a babysitter for a few hours WHEN THE CHILDREN ARE SLEEPING equate to someone else raising their kids?
What part of "raising" is this babysitter doing sitting in the living room whilst the children are asleep??!!
I'll go you one more. Older kids like to have sleep overs at their friend's houses. Parents, single and otherwise will most likely take those opportunities to go out on their own also.
Would you deny your child/ren the fun of going on the sleep over they so want to go on as well?
Get a grip. And a reality check.
Trust me, my life is no "big party". Far, far from it. But unlike you, I recognise that being a parent is not an "exclusive" role. In fact it is essential that it never become that, in order to be a good parent. There is nothing healthy or functional about dedicating one's time to their child/ren 24/7. But as I said, don't take my word for it.
You have one of most bizarre, narrow minded and deluded views on being a parent that I have ever come across. Trust me if you ever get the chance to put those views into practise, you are going to end up with a ruined relationship, not only with your partner, but with the child/ren also. | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/19/2009 11:16:02 AM | | What do you mean allow somebody else to raise their own kids?? Getting a babysitter for a few hours for an evening once in a while is not even close to allowing someone to raise your kids. You have a very narrow minded view of life after having kids. I assume all the responsibility of raising my own kids, which also means taking care of myself so I can be emotionally, socially, and physically healthy to do my job. It is NOT healthy to be so narrow minded that you think you have to be the ONLY caregiver in your child's life or they won't grow up to be emotionally, physically, and socially healthy!!!!! | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/19/2009 11:21:53 AM | Well, we were three children, and we never ever had a babysitter because our parents wanted to go out, our dad was working most of the time and our mother stayed home to raise us.
None of us ever had a sleep over, my older sister died childless 15years ago, and the other one she has 3 children and she and her husband are still together and they never got a babysitter because they wanted to go out, when they go out it is the whole family, neither of them would even think of doing something like getting a babysitter because they wanted to go out to have fun.
Both my sister and her husband are very happy together (over 20years) and so are the kids
Trust me if you ever get the chance to put those views into practise
I could never have kid(s), I was sterilize when I was 16 for medical reasons | |
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| At what age do you Just Give Up?
Posted: 10/19/2009 6:50:07 PM | OMG I cannot believe what I have been reading. Where the heck did this guy surface from??? The days of Pompei??? I can clearly see that his thoughts and beliefs are still from the primitive days and the sad thing is he's only 41!!! 
Sorry I'm really not the type to slam people's opinions because everyone is entitled to one but this one just blew my mind! | |
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