| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 4:16:47 PM |
Here's the crux.
It doesn't matter if you are a guy. Many conquests are "admirable".
If you are a girl....you better be virginal...not a virgin but not well experienced.
Double standard? Yup.
Do we like it? Nope.
Reality? Yup again.
I think you're talking the high school crowd here.... most of us who finished high-school don't consider a high body count as being admirable... male or female...
Guys get called "male-sluts" and "man-whore" and "horndogs" too... Even the term "stud" is frequently used as a term of derision.... either way, it still points to people who have issues... | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 6:59:12 PM | | People (women) complain that there is a double standard and that they are looked down upon as sluts if they sleep around while guys are revered. There is a reason for that. Women are supposed to be selective while men are supposed to spread their seed whenever they can. It's an evolutionary trait also seen in most animals. Girls nowadays are sleeping around, becoming sluts which ruins the institution of a "family" and are just having kids with random guys. This is causing a lax in the general population. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 8:24:11 PM | I'm with ~strawbs~, people should neither ask nor reveal "the number." Low or high, it reliably causes problems.
But, that's already done.
Adolescent promiscuity is a very common reaction to early-life sexual abuse. If a woman who reacted this way has had some help and is over it, this generally should not be a problem in forming later relationships.
Her speaking of herself as a "sex addict" tends to indicate that she is not over it (though it's a good first step that she understands that it's a response to abuse). Also - primarily, IMO - the fact that she's told you all of this at all tends to indicate that she is not over it. Obviously she has a need to talk about it! And that need will not be suppressible until she has worked through this.
So I recommend forgetting the relationship; she's as much as telling you she's not ready for one; but, being a good friend and steering her toward counseling, whether pastoral, clinical, or both. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 8:39:44 PM | OP - anything can be an issue depending on how you view it. .... Some may call you out for being judgemental, but heck -- if you really don't think you can live with it -- might as well call it off now and don't waste yours nor her time in pursuing something that is already bound to head for disaster because of the fact that it may always lurk in the back of your mind.
Parallel to a situation I am sort of caught in between now too.... It has nothing to do with sex -- but rather something that I honestly don't think I can overlook. And I know I will get called out for being shallow and thoughtless too. But when it comes to having romantic feelings and adoration for someone - the heart wants what it wants - I don't believe in trying to force feelings that you are just feeling "half way" about - or "just for the sake of being open-minded" you pursue something your heart is not fully into - regardless of whatever it is -- be it some small quirk or maybe just the way a person laughs that kinda annoys you. You either completely accept them for whom they are or you don't/can't and spare both ppl possible heartaches by removing yourself from deeper involvement.
So my own story is: I met a guy from online ... Lookswise and personality -- so far, the few dates we have been on, I find him pleasing, yet the thing is, he had a bad injury from the past that left one of his hands noticeably crippled. ...... Now I have tried to overcome and overlook this injury since date one together. .... Telling myself, to consider his other factors that I find pleasing, telling myself "Quit being such a shallow, judgemental pig" and "This is a situation that he had no control over, try to be more compassionate! ... What if it were the other way around??" .. "No one wants to be judged that way" ..... and etc., etc.
.... Yet, another fact, wouldn't you know it!!! -- is: a *somewhat secret* fetish of mine just so happens to be a guy with nice hands (Of course the term "nice" being subjective here, but I just have a thing about a guy with nicely proportioned hands -- its the first thing that connects our sense of touch -- and laugh if you will, but I have been known to have crushes on guys in the past simply b/c they had nice hands!!! lol)
SO .... long story short ..... I do not think I can overlook this fact and perhaps at the end of the day, I am not all that attracted to him romantically either (perhaps more of a "just friends" vibe) .... I've already prettty much made up my mind that I would only be fooling myself and him -- if I keep telling myself to "not be shallow" and pursue anything further.
SO -- my own conclusion is: If you cannot accept that fact about your potential romantic interest now, stringing it along may only provide a breeding ground for possible later mishaps. ....... Spare both ppl any deeper heartaches and move on to someone whom you can completely accept them for whom they are and vice versa. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 9:39:49 PM | ^^^^ You wouldn't like me then. I have broken 5 fingers which I pretty noticeable and have had one surgically repaired and will never be completely straightened (on its own). Totally out of my control and in no way, shape or form changes who I am. So in case you were wondering, that is extremely shallow on your part.  | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/7/2009 9:57:46 PM | Thisguy326 - If that is true I am sorry to hear. I do not mean to put anyone down ... sorta knew I was going to be called out on this one yet posted because my point being was: If you cannot accept a person completely for whom and what they are (physical traits, personality and and the whole lot ...) then DON'T pursue a relationship "just for the sake" of pursuing one. If you cannot honestly accept it for what it is - yet still try to convince yourself otherwise, then you are obviously only stringing her AND yourself along too.
........ No one is perfect, and I am not saying to seek that -- but seek what you can accept. ..... Look, some men prefer tall leggy blondes, which I will never be. ..... Should I call those men out as being extremely shallow too?? ...... It is their choice. When it comes to matters of the heart, the heart wants what it wants. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/8/2009 5:34:12 AM |
I think you're talking the high school crowd here.... most of us who finished high-school don't consider a high body count as being admirable... male or female...
Guys get called "male-sluts" and "man-whore" and "horndogs" too... Even the term "stud" is frequently used as a term of derision.... either way, it still points to people who have issues...
I agree with this. I get the "ick" factor with men you just know have been around. There is something disgusting about it really although I can't put a finger on exactly what it is. They just strike me as non-discriminating and I consider it a big turn off. But then I love responsible, honourable men who have mastered their penises.
I don't excuse men their promiscuity because of some lame double-standard. I hold them to the same measuring stick as I would anyone else. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/8/2009 11:52:17 AM | Be sure she gets checked again and be well read about STD/STIs because HIV may not show up in a test for 6 months, and many infections may not be apparent for 3 weeks.
As you get older its going to be harder and harder to find someone with a low number.
I'd suggest if you two 'click' on every other level, than it shouldn't matter how many. But it seems being friends may work out better for the two of you.
I would be weary of her "sex addict" past though. That status entails a 'uncontrollable' desire which would usually involve cheating with it. Enjoying sex and just wanting it all the time is different.
Keep us posted! Hope it works out! | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/8/2009 12:00:13 PM | At 19 that's a lot of guys. She appears to be a girl that will do or say anything to get a guy to like her. Abstinance is near impossible once you've tried sex.
But do not toss her away if you like her, you may be a positive influence on her if you can move past her past. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/8/2009 1:45:22 PM | I think from reading on theses forums and what I've seen in real life, the number of past partners DOES matter to many if not most people... The simple fact that this thread exists, and so many threads similar to it attests to that also... Afterall, if no one cared, who'd ask....?
While most people accept that everyone has a past.... For many people there is a limit to what they want in their partner particularly if he/she is going to be a long term partner. (Let's face it, if you're not thinking of someone as long term it certainly isn't going to matter in the slightest where they've been, who they've done or what they've done...) But the average person may not want a person who has had numerous partners etc... particularly if they themselves haven't had the same level of experience... People will be most comfortable with someone who's experiences are closer to their own....
I'm sure a lot of the posters will say it doesn't matter, simply because they don't want to limit their dating prospects either since a prospective person can read what they post.
Some people mistakenly believe that having a lot of past sex partners somehow conveys abilities and sexual prowess... whereas in fact, a lot of partners may even mean the person is jaded, hard to satisfy and maybe bored with sex. Or he/she may feel that sex is an obligation or a tool to get something.
The argument about STD's is a valid one in my book. Granted you can get an STD from only one partner, but more partners does increaes the possibility of encouintering someone who is infected. Condoms don't prevent all STD's. I'd also be worried about someone who has had an STD, that may have left them with a life affecting problem, ie cervical cancer, penile cancers, Hepatitis, infertility... all these are possible too...
People seem to think cheating and a lot of past partners are unrelated. Hmm "Once a cheater always a cheater" is such a common refrain, yet we're supposed to believe that someone who is used to a lot of partners may suddenly change.... and want to be monogamous for the rest of their life.... Sure, it happens.... Although, I wonder how many people who's partners cheated on them, never thought to ask about the number of partners their Ex had before them... Afterall, it's just "one more person".... no biggie....
Ultimately too... a lot of past sexual partners is often the result of some past or present issue in their lives... Poor body image(overweight, unattractive)... poor social skills, victim of past sexual abuse, dysfunctional families.... needing to offer sex to feel loved, bad decision making, drug/alcohol abuse..., unable to commit,
Sure, there are many people who claim they love sex, and many do... but let's face it, you can love sex with one person too...using "I love sex" as an excuse for needing dozens of partners is simply that, an excuse.... | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/8/2009 7:08:20 PM | If it matters to you, then it matters. But that number is none of your business. They only thing that matters is if the person is STD free or not.
I could never ask that number of a woman and would never answer if the question were asked of me. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/8/2009 10:42:42 PM | I read the header and thought of what I would say..
It would depend on how many and how old she is...
That is way too many for that age... I used to be friends with a girl who slept with that many men, she's still not 20 and her numbers have gone up even more since the last time we've spoken, which has been months.. Not to mention she's pregnant and not sure who the father is..
I'd say go for what you want. If you care about her as a person, everything else shouldn't matter as much, but I do advise you to encourage her to get checked, even if she's done it before. And I would go with her when she gets the results. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/9/2009 11:02:46 AM | Wow...just wow. Am I the only one who read that she was abused by her grandfather?
OP - this is very common and typical behavior for a sexually abused child. They come to see "love" as tangled up with sex. You said she told you that she was trying to change...all I can say is - she knew who you were, trusted you enough to tell you the number, what happened to her as a child, and that she was trying to overcome all that. I have an idea for a Christian man such as yourself - go talk to your pastor. I bet he could help you find some reading material so you can understand what she went through, and the consequences of abuse that was not her fault.
Abuse is that way OP - either you go one way (totally frigid) or the other (sexually acting out). Same thing with physical abuse - you either become very timid with your own kids - or you beat the hell out of them.
It takes a LOT of work to get to a more "normal" footing. She trusted you with all that...and this is what she's getting in return? WWJD? | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/9/2009 1:04:01 PM |
Am I the only one who read that she was abused by her grandfather?
Nope. It was widely ignored, but has been addressed in posts 11, 23, 25, and 30, if I have the numbers right.
Editing to add, and now also 45!
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/9/2009 5:49:16 PM | Thanks so much for the help guys and gals i really appreciate it.I think i am going to pursue her but, proceed with caution.That way i can tell if shes really trying to change and make a difference and if she is then im completely fine with "us".Im also going to make sure she gets tested before we do anything.If we do anything.And to whomever said "Talk to your pastor about it" i think i will,that sounds like a very good idea.But anyways thanks again for opinions it really helped me. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/9/2009 8:24:58 PM | 21 partners at 19 is extreme, male or female.
I for some reason cannot take a man seriously if he has had too many sexual partners. This is a deal breaker for me. I believe a man should have the same morals he would expect a woman to have. I can't be serious about someone who has slept with more than 20 women. I believe that if I sleep with him I'm sleeping with those 20 women and it disgusts me just thinking about it. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 9/9/2009 9:52:48 PM | | ^^^ HotCocoa , I am totally w/ you on that one! .... Contrary to what popular culture may brand as "studly" of guys who get around ...... myself it is a complete turn off if his number is on the extreme end -- apart from running high risk of STD's it also shows his lack of self-restraint, morals and whatnot. | |
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| Does the number of people a person has had sex with matter?
Posted: 10/28/2009 12:57:54 PM |
We practically love all the same things.I mean heck she even works on cars and loves them which is a major plus for me.In other words shes perfect except one issue This isn't an issue. I respect where you're coming from but too many men stress over how many men a woman slept with and no matter how much she say's it's gonna be too much . . . "Two!!, Two???, guess it was just the way you were raised!". Normally I would say don't worry about who she banged before she met you and just be glad she's bangng you now. That would be somewhat irresponsible.
So my question is should i look past it and continue,or should i just run from it?Im afraid that it will always be in the back of my mind Only you can make that call. Personally if it were me, I would look past it but you are not me. It's a number do you want your life and your relationship to be controlled by a number? If a girl I was dating had slept with one of my friends prior to dating me I know I couldn't handle that so I would bounce! What I'm trying to say is start with a blank slate people change, life experiences and maturity factor into this. The person she is isn't necessarily the person she was. Also what if she had said "I've only slept with 2 men ever" when it was really 200? You really believe anybody tell the truth about how many people they've slept with? You are focusing too much on what's been said and too little on how you 2 vibe together and real talk - If you don't have a word with yourself you will lose her and it'll be your own fault so cogitate on that! | |
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