| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/10/2009 7:07:50 AM |
I provide love and disapline. When they are thirsty, hungry, sad, happy, confused or had a nightmare they come to me.
Good for you!!!
So tell me, what else do they need?
Personally I need a rest at least once a month, I need time to recharge my batteries. So they also in turn need time away from me.
Question... I suppose you are going to meet someone, that is why you are here, is this your way of saying, my children are mine and always will be?
Cherie xx | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/10/2009 10:32:00 AM |
Personally I need a rest at least once a month, I need time to recharge my batteries. So they also in turn need time away from me.
Question... I suppose you are going to meet someone, that is why you are here, is this your way of saying, my children are mine and always will be?
Cherie xx
I know what your saying, I need a rest from time to time also. I have their aunts and uncles to help with that, oh and the grandma. Yes I am in hopes of meeting that special someone that will be a part of OUR lives and US apart of hers. It's not easy though and I never expected it to be easy.It's alot to ask of someone, to open their heart to not only me but my kids also. I think they would benefit from a good female role model, but for now they have aunts and grandma. maybe someday they will see how a man and woman in love and together are supposed to treat each other. But for now they at least know what it's like to be loved. But again to answer your question, I how I will find that someone special that can be apart of OUR lives andUS apart of hers. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/10/2009 12:10:55 PM | Not a thing other than some sort of positive female influence in her life (grandma, aunts, teachers, etc.)
My daughter (now 21) did not need two parents either because her father had issues with temper and drugs. She did need the influence of her uncles and grandfather though to become the great mom to her son that she now is. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:46:23 PM | Okay to the poster above, is she a "single " mom? just askin'
See this is a really bad place to ask this question because what would expect all the single parents here to say, Oh, I f*cked up and I am such a shlt for raising my child alone. Of course not, they will defend their decsions to the death regardless of whatever stats you may show them.
What the problem is your children will never learn how to choose a mate properly because you have done nothing but enforce the notion that one is enough.
It is like substituting aspartame for sugar when baking a cake, sure it may seem okay but there will be something off but you'll eat the whole damm thing just to prove how great it is.
If you aren't in a relationship and lead by example about how compromising and discussion can lead to a fulfilling famil;y life, you can only hope that things work out.
Why so many choose to risk the possible outcomes is growing only because we are more and more denying the risks which can only influence more to do the same. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/12/2009 8:21:38 AM |
See this is a really bad place to ask this question because what would expect all the single parents here to say, Oh, I f*cked up and I am such a shlt for raising my child alone. Of course not, they will defend their decsions to the death regardless of whatever stats you may show them.
Why should anyone expect a single parent to publicly reprimand themselves? If you think there are parents who haven't kicked themselves hard for the choices they made, then you are probably somewhat delusional. Obviously most of us realize that having two parents who love the child(ren) and each other is the best but in the absence of having that (for many reasons), what good does it do us or our children to berate ourselves for our choices? Can we go back and change the past? Nope. Would you prefer we say that we regret having our children? You will have a hard time finding any parent who would say such a thing. Regardless of who the other parent it, regardless of whether we are going it alone or in a committed relationship with the other parent, we LOVE our children and do not regret them.........
The stats and studies do show that children raised without the involvement of both parents are at higher RISK for certain things but all those things can be MITIGATED or ELIMINATED if you are a good parent to your child(ren). Being from a single parent home is NOT a sentence that is guaranteed....there are NO guarantees in life. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/12/2009 8:50:57 AM | My point exactly was why would ask such a question here?
It only becomes apparent when they somehow feel demeaned for being a single parent. Single parents will never completely shake the feeling that they should be in a stable relationship or that every child deserves two stable parents.
It just sucks that so many choose to do so knowing the odds aren't with them.
To touch on another thread about abortion (currently running), it seems that if you can't face the facts that you may not be giving a child the best chances for success making that decision should be easier or at least put the child up for adoption. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/12/2009 11:12:41 AM |
My point exactly was why would ask such a question here?
It only becomes apparent when they somehow feel demeaned for being a single parent. Single parents will never completely shake the feeling that they should be in a stable relationship or that every child deserves two stable parents.
It just sucks that so many choose to do so knowing the odds aren't with them.
To touch on another thread about abortion (currently running), it seems that if you can't face the facts that you may not be giving a child the best chances for success making that decision should be easier or at least put the child up for adoption.
Well were do I start? Apparently you haven't read the posts in this thread. I thought I made my point. But I'll say it again, and edit my original at the same time (multi-tasking is something us single parents learn to do very well). Some of you think kids NEED two parents. Obviously, two kind, responcible parents would be the prime situation. But in some of our situations that was not possible yet.
You are stereotyping single parents. We are not bad people( ican't speak for all), I work very hard to provide for my kids as a mother and father. My kids also go to counceling to help deal with the nightmare their mother put them through. I am the one picking up the pieces. If you want to rag on someone rag on the person that attempted to ruin our lives. We are doing great. My girls are at the top of their classes. They participat in advanced level classes and recieve honor roll and perfect attendance. I am to the point that I think they will do great with their lives and have been ready to find that special someone to share our lives with. I (and others) don't want to stay single parents, it's just what we have to deal with right now.
So you think my kids would be better off sent to a foster home to be split up and possibly never see their siblings again or their single loving parent? If this is what you think, you are totally insane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh and if you want to touch on another thread, go touch it there not here. This thread is'nt about abortion. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/12/2009 11:15:42 AM | [DONT ever say "Well, your mom loves you very much" to your kids. It's the worst lie you can tell them. If she loved em, she wouldnt have made the CHOICES she did that put her in jail and out of their lives. She would have CHOSEN them over her crap.
Make "I believe" statements of a philosophical nature, even if the subtext is a knock on her behaviors.]
I can speak from experience, it only bites you in the rear in the long run when telling your children these things. Whenever one of my 3 would comment on "missing their daddy" or something of that nature, I THOUGHT the best response would be a comforting one like "Daddy misses you too, he just can't be here right now." or something similar to fit the conversation. I have never spoken badly of my ex-husband to them. It's not my place to jade their opionion of him. They will see him for his true colors themselves one day. BUT... now after 5 years of very little communication or visitations, and my attempts to be comforting when they are missing him, they have an even worse "view" of him and it's my fault. He is the uber parent. The best dad ever. They've never been diciplined by him, never had him tell them no. He's only dissappointed them in the most basic and worse way, and I covered for him. For my kids mind you. Not for him. I made excuses for him so it would not hurt my kids. Now I get to deal with the "I want to go live with my dad!" whenever they do not get their way, and they don't understand that even if it were a possibility, they have him on such a pedestal now (again, I know this is my fault for over sugar coating his absences) it wouldn't be as great as they think it would. They barely know him.
I must admit, I'm sick of it all, and have given up trying to cover for him. In fact my daughter just asked last week when they were going to go visit daddy. My response?
"I don't know sis, he hasn't called or emailed us in months and I have no idea. Next time he calls, why do YOU ask him why he never calls you guys or see's you."
Probably still not the best response, but I'm only human, and one gets sick of covering for someone who doesn't even appreciate it. I'm tired of being the bad guy, and him the perfect parent only cuz he's NEVER around.
So there's my two cents.... | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/12/2009 12:48:40 PM | Well SSD I have read this thread and no matter what you say the stats will still tell a different story, there will also be a stigma attached to being a single parent.
As cool as we see our partners when we are childless little regard is given to the after part, you know when the kids show up. As a single dad, you must notice the questions or odd looks when you go say a P/T event at your child's school.
The fact you are a single dad will cause many to assume two things, either she is/was a drug addict or you paid a damm good lawyer to take your kids - regardless of how it really went down.
You can't change your current situation, no one is asking you to but lets face it do you get the impression that many people feel that two parent families are better?
Like I said in my other post you will defend your ability to properly raise your kids and kudos if you pull it off.
As far as the abortion statement, it was meant to illustrate that some can make the choice if they feel they are not capable to do it on their own, if you saw it as a highjacking of your thread - hey your interpretation but unless a thread is about how to change a diaper they pretty much blend together.
And as far as this thread goes, the people here are mainly single parents so this must be happening in the real world not pof - mecca of single parents. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 9/13/2009 3:34:34 PM | #34 - You gave a perfect example of what I was talking about.
The false "comforting response" is sheltering the kid from the truth and the reality that WILL come back to bite YOU in the butt later.
The kid creates a fantasy ideal of that parent, and makes excuses for them in order to NOT blame themselves. In the kids mind, first comes the "I must not be 'enough' loveable enough, good looking enough, skinny enough(if they are chubby or obese) or some-other-kind-of enough" to explain the WHY that parent is NOT around.
2nd, they'll pedestalize the absent parent, then blame YOU for "keeping them away"
My advice about making general philosophical type statements to explain the absence in THEORY as well as in practice is also teaching a "value system" to the kid of
"WHAT ONE DOES". ONE drives on the proper side of the road. ONE does not steal. ONE does not inflict pain on another. ONE does not use that kind of language. ONE shows respect for _________. etc etc. This value system teaches them values to embrace and to expect from the whole of society, while ALSO telling them very clearly what YOU expect. By saying it as a philosophical statement, you arent demonizing their absent parent.
It also explains some of the WHY they dont have that other parent around. THEY will discern that the absent parent didnt FOLLOW THE RULES OF WHAT ONE DOES.
Life has rules. Following the rules causes less grief for others.
sorry you sugarcoated, but you can change it now. I liked you instructing them to ASK their dad their WHY. One caveat, you need to TELL them what to expect, or NOT to expect based upon YOUR knowledge of his behavior. If he is pathalogical to them, you need to set the table of expectations so they will not believe a LIE, but witness the truth of behavior. By that I mean prepare them for the LIE you know he'll probably tell them so they dont hang up the phone and go off on you.
Something along the lines of:
"I really think you SHOULD ask your father (dont call him daddy to them - daddies dont bail) your questions. Just remember sweetie, it's best to judge the truth of an answer by the behaviors that follow, not by hearing the WORDS you are hoping for, only to get another disappointment"
Then say, I know it upsets you when he doesnt come around. That acknowledgement will give GREAT comfort to your kid that you know what he/she is feeling. It will make it ok for them to BE upset, but not OK to take it out on the ONE person who can/will comfort them (you) | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/17/2009 6:30:46 AM | Having both parents helps them relate to both sexes. Having been a single parent most of my son's life I see how he misses learning from male role models.
That's not to say the biological parents are the right combination. Sometimes things happen and it's not always a frivolous excuse. I think having a couple bringing up children is ultimately better in if they are happy and work well with each other. The family is better off all around.
As a single parent I can get my duties almost done but there is little time for my mental health R & R. Having someone to share the duties mean you have time to enjoy some fun. Having someone to share life with is how we were intended to live. A child needs to see how a good relationship works. they learn that life doesn't revolve around one person. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/17/2009 7:45:02 AM | SSD, in a perfect world, children have two parents who love, nurture and teach their children. We don't live in a perfect world. If a parent is too wrapped up in their own life to be there for their children, IMO, the children are better off with one good parent in their lives.
I'm curious as to the motivation for this thread....are you feeling unappreciated by your children? If so, we all feel that from time to time...it happens when dealing with ego-centric little people.  | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/17/2009 9:44:55 AM | Oops, hit the post on akident
I have been having issue's with my son and see how he misses the male influence. I think single parents can be just as good as couples when you have the family and friends support. Rather then start a new redundant message I figured I could identify with Super's question.
I would love to say I always am appreciated but...will have to wait until mine has his own to see it. Otherwise....he can tell his therapist in 20 years | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/17/2009 10:02:25 AM |
I'm curious as to the motivation for this thread....are you feeling unappreciated by your children? If so, we all feel that from time to time...it happens when dealing with ego-centric little people.
No real motivation , other than all the idiots calling single parents losers and their kids beneath the kids that have two parents. The thing they can't seem to get, is that this is not how we planned it and not how we plan to continue, or we wouldn't be here looking for our SO. As for the appreciation, no. My older kids are very thankful that I'm here for them.
As for the other poster, Having the other gender role model is important and thats were aunts and uncles, etc. come in till there is another role model in the house.
Some have said that the kids don't have the advantages that two parents can offer and life will be difficult for them( idon't totally agree with that), but you can also look at it this way. It teaches them that you need to work for what you want and that not everything in life is fair or free. It also shows them what could happen when you don't think before you jump into things and that an education should come first and relationship later and alot of planning before kids are thought of. They see the conciquences of their perants mistakes first hand. Most kids just get told what will happen if they do things wrong, mine have seen what will happen so its not just a story that may go in one ear and out the other.I know my 13 year old does not want to have to go through what I have and will never be like her mom. She has dreams and goals that I will back up the best I can so that she can accomplish them. They have learned the importance of being responcible early. Not only what they gain by being responcible but they see the outcome of not first hand. My oldest says it's not fair that I am living this way and wants me to meet someone and I just say thanks and it's ok I accepted this responcibility along time ago and will stick to it. If I meet someone, great and if I don't, Oh well.I mainly wanted those people that put the single parent down, that it's their opinion and not everyone on here feels the same way. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/17/2009 10:27:55 AM |
See this is a really bad place to ask this question because what would expect all the single parents here to say, Oh, I f*cked up and I am such a shlt for raising my child alone. Of course not, they will defend their decsions to the death regardless of whatever stats you may show them.
This has been said many times. Is that what you want to hear?
OK, screwed up by thinking that the woman that I meet would comtinue to be the same as when I met her. I screwed up by thinking that she could change and get her life together. I screwed up by thinking she even loved her kids. But no I didn't screw up by taking responcibility for the kids and raising them to the best of my ability. And if you think any parent would say "i screwed up by raising my kids alone" , that isn't goning to happen(i hope). You all forgot one thing, WE are here to meet our SO, it won't be easy but what do you want us to do? Say ok your right I f'ed up so take the kids and foster them out. they probably will never see me again or their siblings. Thats not going to help them, it's only going to mess them up more. I'm not the one here whining. Oh boo hoo no one will date me. I've met many that would, but the match must be right this time. I and other single parents WILL remain optomistic so throw all the stats you want at us. What good is that doing? MAKING YOU feel better about your self I guess.Because it's not helping us any. Why would anyone want to kick someone that is down? The ones that put down the single parent probably laugh at the disabled and critasize the homeless and seem to have ALOT more to boo hoo about.
Well I am proud to be a great parent and am not asking for your praise or your approval. peace and God bless | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/17/2009 10:50:01 AM |
What the problem is your children will never learn how to choose a mate properly because you have done nothing but enforce the notion that one is enough.
Not necissarily true. There are children who don't select mates properly later in life raised by two parents. Girls watch their mothers get beaten and think that is the norm, boys watch their fathers treat their mothers that way and think its ok to do so.
I would rather be a single mother than have some man beat the snot out of me ever again. At least my children will not be exposed to seeing that behaviour.
I take it from you clickon that we should just stay in the situation no matter what because you feel that we are so undeserving of respect or anything so that our children can suffer abuse instead.
Think about it, which is the lesser of the two evils? | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/17/2009 11:00:50 AM | matariki you are totally right
they learn that unacceptable behaviour is just that unacceptable, and will not be tolorated and shouldn't be. KIds or not bad relationships that can't be worked out should be over
Oh and click-on do you really think I care what or how people look at me for being a dad at a pta meeting, etc. And just to let you know they think highly of me for being there for my kids and being responcible for my kids. And those who are so small minded to look down on me. hahahahahahaha I could care less what they think. Nobody has ever put me or my kids down to my face, it's only the ones hiding behind their computer moniters that have the balls to say anything. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/17/2009 11:01:08 AM | Oh and clickon... are we supposed to just give up our kids to avoid being a single parent in the event it ever does happen?
My daughter was from a 13 yr relationship, she is 11 yrs old now, I left 2 yrs ago, I take it I was supposed to just say screw it and put her up for adoption by how you talk? Don't think so, unlike some I don't walk out on my responsibilities. How do you think that would affect the child if we did that to them just to avoid becoming a single parent? It is called abandonment and leads to a whole other set of problems. Bad enough they lose one parent who was given the choice not to come around her high, so he chose not to come around as the drugs were more important.
Yet once again, we are the bad ones because we thought in the child's best interests they not be exposed to this stuff. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/17/2009 11:04:04 AM | thanks single superdad, I grew up in that situation myself, always hiding myself and sisters in closets for safety. I had to go through counselling to understand that this wasn't normal, and that I could get out. It took me 3 yrs after he started, I don't know what started him doing it as the first 10 yrs was fine, the last 3 yrs, something changed and he turned to drugs which in turn changed his behaviour.
Three years after leaving he hasn't changed.
I am glad I chose to raise the kids on my own, it is for their safety and emotional well being. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/17/2009 11:09:09 AM | | most psychologists say it would be wise to have the father about or a father figure, for obvious reasons and if you can't see those reasons.. i feel sorry for you. butmore often then not if the father or mother is not in the picture.. then there are uncles/aunts and other members of the family to be there too. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/18/2009 5:54:33 PM | I'd like to know how many of those psychologists are actively parenting? How many are absent parents and how many more don't even have children?
In terms of abuse or neglect it's fairly obvious that the spouse and children are at risk. You can't put your children in those circumstances and remain out of touch with reality.
I pay no attention to the dummy's that bash single parents as a whole! I have to be able to believe regardless of what some people say....not all believe what they bray about how terrible it is to be with a single parent. Not everyone feels the need to hold someone down instead of offering a hand up.
Heart misers abound but Heartfuls are out there searching too. Come on everyone...kumbaya my friend...kumbaya.......
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