| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/18/2009 7:07:10 PM | | OP, the fact that their mom was neglectful and a drug abuser and a household of yelling is not good for kids. You really are a singlesuperdad with four kids and dealing with diapers. I think kids can still thrive with a one parent household if the environment is right. Of course, they will miss that female/mother influence, but they will still do well. :) | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/18/2009 8:13:53 PM | | thanks farscapeprincess, but I wasn't looking for praise (but I'll take all I can get, haha). I think my kids are doing great and my parenting skills get better everyday with the new obsticals that arise. I realize that two parents is preferable but not maditory for the kids to prosper. there are those on pof that would and will say different and throw a bunch of stats at single parents. stats are just that, stats. They prove nothing other than some studies came to a certain conclusion from a certain test group. I wasn't in this group and neither were my kids, and these people that throw these stats around don't know me or my kids or my upbringing, or my morals, or my goals, etc. so where do they get off judging single parents or their kids. Especially when some of them have no kids and/or aren't even here to meet anyone. They are here just to flex their brain muscles to try to impress someone. I am glad to see from this thread that there are decent people on this site and not all small minded, shallow, know it alls. peace, and God bless | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/19/2009 11:49:33 AM |
the psyhchologists having children is irrelevent.. there is enough case studies and qualititative data taken over the years to support it.
Really! What don't people understand about this? It shocks me how many people do not understand how data is gathered and how outcomes are found.
most psychologists say it would be wise to have the father about or a father figure, for obvious reasons and if you can't see those reasons.. i feel sorry for you. butmore often then not if the father or mother is not in the picture.. then there are uncles/aunts and other members of the family to be there too.
How do social scientists know that having two parents/an involved father is preferable? For over four decades now, researchers have been gathering data on how well children do in various life outcomes from intact families and non-intact families. Thus far, the children from intact families IN GENERAL, ON AVERAGE, have been doing better than children from non-intact families in areas such as high school graduation, college attendance and graduation, teen pregnancy and delayed child bearing, job/career success, marital stability, etc.
That's how we know.
How each person reads and understands this is an entirely different matter. Let the misunderstandings commence. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/20/2009 12:10:14 PM | Why does it take a man and a woman to make a child? Why do people marry and create a family? Because that is the best way to teach a child how to behave with respect to both genders. We learn different things from each parent (assuming each parent is sane and healthy)...
Just because you chose your female partner poorly does not mean the female role in your children's lives is not important. And I say the same regarding the importance of a male role being necessary in a child's life.
What else do they need? They need you to show them how to love and cooperate with a female human adult on a day to day basis. They need to see you and she express love, anger, sadness, humilty, hope....as you live happily ever after together. They learn how to be a family in this way.
I do not mean to negate what you are doing on your own in any way, but do not make the mistake so many women make in thinking that just because they can "do it all" that it is BEST! I was blessed with 2 step parents and am forever grateful for the love and support they brought to my parents and to me. Every kid wants a family - mom, dad, sister, brother...that is the full experience! | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/20/2009 12:44:13 PM | | they dont neet two parents as long as they have a lot of family and love my kids lost there dad he passed away and i like to think im doing as good as if was still here. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:32:16 PM |
"How do social scientists know that having two parents/an involved father is preferable? For over four decades now, researchers have been gathering data on how well children do in various life outcomes from intact families and non-intact families. Thus far, the children from intact families IN GENERAL, ON AVERAGE, have been doing better than children from non-intact families in areas such as high school graduation, college attendance and graduation, teen pregnancy and delayed child bearing, job/career success, marital stability, etc."
I have a degree in social science(not that it makes me any expert... but just to illustrate that I do have an education in such a thing) and I'd still argue that it's not always preferable to have both parents involved. And I guarantee you most social scientists will say that human interaction is complicated.
When you study two groups(in this case one being the people with two parents and in the other being the people without two parents) with the intention of proving a certain aspect is the cause of something, you really need to have only one independent variable. This means that everything needs to be the same except if someone has one parent or two parents. As you can probably imagine this is extremely difficult to do. It would mean they would have to have the same racial background, the same family income, grow up in the same neighborhood, have the same number of siblings. That's the tricky part. Every person is different. Every person has their own individual experiences.
Correlation simply does not prove causation. If you just have a group of people with only one parent that are dropping out of high school, not attending college, skipping classes, etc. more so than a group of people with that happen to have two parents... that isn't going to tell you much. What if the first group have been subjects of abuse? What if they come from lower income families? What if they are of a minority group? What if one of these things are the reason for the dropping out? The not attending college? There are multiple reasons other than the fact the children in the group have only one parent that could be causing a certain thing. And the cause of a particular thing could have multiple reasons instead of just one. We can't just look at one factor and say "aha, that's it!"
So it really isn't easy to prove and what you just described doesn't prove anything.
It's really hard to determine how a person's life would have been had he only had parent or if he had two parents instead of one. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's impossible to determine. We can only make educated guesses. And I'm going to venture to guess that some people would be better off with only one parent in their life if their other parent is an abusive alcoholic or something similar. Sure, these children may not do as could as they could with two "perfect" parents. May not. But they simply don't have that. With what they do have, is it in the children's best interest to have both of their parents in their life? I'm going to say no.
I think we need to be realistic here. It isn't a perfect world. Some people have children that probably shouldn't have children. There are times it's completely retarded to insist both parents need to be in a child's life... especially when it's obvious a parent is abusive towards the child. When there is a history of abuse... it will more than likely happen again. The potential further harm done to that child by staying with that parent will probably be a lot greater than any difficulty that arises from only having one parent.
There are also times it's impossible for both parents to be in a child's life as well. What about in the death of a parent? You're not going to say it's impossible a person will be successful after that, are you?
Honestly... let's use logic here. There are some very successful people that come from single parent families. Obviously success isn't dependant on having two parents. Obviously these people didn't need two parents raising them to get to where they are. Thus, I think it's safe to say at least some children do not need two parents to become successful.
Life comes with problems. It isn't always going to be easy. Sure, it may be hard to deal with not having a parent in your life. Yes there may be difficulties that arise out of having only on parent. But can we(children of single parents) overcome them? I think so. I know I did. I think this can tie in with what I said about us needing to be realistic. As much as some of us may want, we can't make the lives of children flawless. And that's okay. They'll need to learn how to cope with issues in a healthy way.
I will grant you the fact that when it will be beneficial for the child, we should strive to allow them to have both parents. Parents should not try to take their children away from their other parents for selfish reasons. Courts should try to allow both parents time with the children when that's in their best interest. I just don't see how anyone could say it's always in their best interest. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/20/2009 4:30:51 PM |
it's not always preferable to have both parents involved.
There are also times it's impossible for both parents to be in a child's life as well. What about in the death of a parent? You're not going to say it's impossible a person will be successful after that, are you?
at least some children do not need two parents to become successful.
Where does it say anywhere in my post that it is ALWAYS preferable to have both parents, that it is IMPOSSIBLE for a person to be successful if one parent dies, or that ALL children need two parents to become successful?
NO WHERE. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/20/2009 4:44:57 PM | I guess I should not have expected you to be able to comprehend what you read.
Where did I say you DID say such things? It's even painfully obvious that I wasn't saying you said that in the second quote you took out of context. Again... "You're *not* *going to say* it's impossible a person will be successful after that, *are you?*"
"at least some children do not need two parents to become successful." - This addresses the question in the title. If you don't care to discuss it then you probably shouldn't even be posting here. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/20/2009 5:42:55 PM | lansmom ur message 61 brilliant 
Honestly... let's use logic here. There are some very successful people that come from single parent families. Obviously success isn't dependant on having two parents. Obviously these people didn't need two parents raising them to get to where they are. Thus, I think it's safe to say at least some children do not need two parents to become successful.
 Anyway I really enjoyed reading your post. And I think you have demonstrated beautifuly that correlation simply does not prove causation. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/20/2009 11:58:25 PM | what people seem to forget is that unless ther child is alone with the single parent miles away from the family etc..then the child is only being brought up by one person. a male or female role model do not have to be parents, they can be anyone from the family or a family friend.
It is like the myth of the baby always connecting with the mother because she feeds the child ad changes the nappy.. that is irrelevent.. a child can click with any two people if the child is with in a certain age range otherwise they will most likely never click.
so, my conclusion is that unless you are stranded with your child somewhere..there is always more than one person aiding you and your child whether you are aware of it or not ^^ | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/22/2009 8:09:54 AM | | it takes a village to raise a child truthfully..but i agree with you jc, luckily the father of my children is involved with them , sure i could do it by myself but why not give them the advantage of having two parents? Honestly if he wasnt involved part of me would want to go find someone who would fill that male role in their lives ive seen to many ppl come up with warped daddy issues and anger towards their moms ...but having said all that it has to be a healthy nurturing positive role they play in your childrens lives./ | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/22/2009 3:48:40 PM | Another single father here. Only I have a young lady living at home with me.
The role modles and such well, that can be corrected with other sources IE BIG BROTHERS BIG SISTERS, an excelent organization.
However when it comes time to buy clothing and such, well their is where the troubles can begin. Once out of diapers and into proper undergarments. Pending on where you live and how social accepted it is.
I just went threw a terrible experience with child protection services because I bathe my daughter and wash her hair. Just a heads up for single fathers, if a female is not in the house, nasty rumors spread fast and hard.
I still have my daughter nothing was out of the ordinary other than no female in the house.
Keep up the good work, and hold the head up high | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/27/2009 4:17:57 PM | | hey idiot...you're not a woman unless you want to be. they provide stuff you cannot to a child. if she's a bad mom then that sucks but yeah...a child needs two well adjusted parents to have the best chance at life and know what they want in a family...unless of course family isn't important anymore. i mean really it's only been around for thousands of centuries but now no one needs it. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/27/2009 4:44:53 PM | I hope you're not refering to me as the idiot.
they provide stuff you cannot to a child
like what breast milk?
child needs two well adjusted parents to have the best chance at life and know what they want in a family.
I'm not going to list them but there are thousands of people that are very well off and famous and happpy and have the traditional family that were children of single parents
And yes I feel family is important or I wouldn't be here looking to meet someone. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/27/2009 5:23:04 PM | When I realized I would be raising my daughter alone, I mined the research covering children with one parent. And yes, studies show that children do do better with two parents. That doesn't condemn children with one parent, but it does mean one ought to, or so I think, be looking at the variables and seeing what can be put in place to give them odds of having greater success.
I mean, I don't know about the other single parents here, but I sure didn't want to be thinking 20 years from then... "whoops, guess I messed up".
So what are the factors that have single parent children do as well as two parent children?
* money: if they have a stimulating environment, they do better.
* Parent's education level
* regular and involved extended support network
* opposite sex role models | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/27/2009 5:41:01 PM |
So what are the factors that have single parent children do as well as two parent children?
* money: if they have a stimulating environment, they do better.
* Parent's education level
* regular and involved extended support network
* opposite sex role models
I have studied these factors extensively in one of my course at Concordia university in the family life education department, and the evidence is slightly different, if I may say.
What studies have shown regularly is that children fair better in general when there are MORE attached adults around them. Of course, in a family context, one will jump to the conclusion that it's better with both the mother and father around the child. But any attached adult will help.
From what I have seen and studied in my degree, these are the actual factors that will impact a child well being and likelihood of ending up healthier :
* Socio-economic level (more money helps with better nutrition and stimulating environment)
* Parent's education level (more education has a huge impact)
* Parent's parenting style (authoritative is a LOT better than authoritarian or permissive) - this can be greatly improved through workshop, courses, readings, and a desire to learn
* Regular and extended network of support (family, friends, neighbors)
* Level of attachment between adult caregivers - whether they are the bio parents or not - and the child (child who had secure attachment in their infancy and youth tend to fair better at all indicators later in life. The level of attachment depends on the parenting style and both the quantity and quality of time spent with the child between 0-5)
* Regular family meals, where several adults regularly interact together with children in a family way and where all discussions are open (the #1 predictor for children's well being in Canada)
Many new studies also recently researched the specific outcome of having two lesbian parents or two gay parents for children, and found out there is *no* difference in outcome with ordinary, heterosexual couples.
The impact of these studies is clear : the whole "opposite sex role models" is not true. A child needs separate, healthy adults around him, and he will benefit from seeing loving and healthy relationship based on respect around him, but get ZERO additional benefit from "role" model - simply because, in reality, any gender can teach pretty much everything a child needs to learn. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/27/2009 5:54:20 PM | | consciousSoul, though I tire of reading your lengthy posts I do appreciate your input. Your research and experience says exactly what I've been trying to say. The only thing a single parent lacks is a mate not opposite sex role models and your research shows no benifit from "role model". Thank you. I was the one that taught my teen about her monthly woman stuff and though a bit embarassing at first for her she realized I was only looking out for her heath and well being. As you have stated there are many other factors that affect the kids development more than two parents. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/27/2009 6:22:32 PM | | Disagree with your opposite sex role model point. In your case you are providing an opposite sex role model; it's you! In my daughter's case, growing up in a 'world of women' could result in thinking men were a separate species. Her role models? Male teachers and hockey coaches. | |
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| why do most of you think kids NEED two parents?
Posted: 10/27/2009 6:59:54 PM |
Disagree with your opposite sex role model point. In your case you are providing an opposite sex role model; it's you! (itsmargo)
First, I am not providing anything as I am not a parent myself. I am a parent educator and a child specialist.
Second, this stems from the idea that people, including GLBTQ people, must "be" a gender-role. It stems from the assumption that somehow, regardless of their respecting plumbing, people "have" to act accordingly to society stereotypes. In this view of the world, a gay man has to act "like a woman" - which is a myth. In reality, people aren't labels. Every single human being is different and can develop skills and attitudes that are both stereotyped as "feminine" or "masculine". These are just stereotypes, not reality.
In my daughter's case, growing up in a 'world of women' could result in thinking men were a separate species. (itsmargo)
Research on this specific area has shown that until puberty, the "role model" gender has no impact what so ever on kids. Can you be "assertive"? "Goal oriented"? "Strong willed" ? These are typical stereotypes from male role model, but it's just a myth. As a woman, you can be just as assertive, goal oriented or strong willed as any man. The question is not whether your daughter needs "a male role model" but rather whether all the role model present around her can offer her a model for all the proper skills and attitude she will need in life, regardless of whose gender has each.
As for puberty, several studies concentrated on the impact of having an all-girls or all-boys school. They found that it can introduce a certain social awkwardness when adolescents don't have the choice to be around the other gender when they start puberty. Mixed schools seem to be better in that regards. But I wouldn't expect adolescents to learn to socialize (in a sexual way) with grown up men and woman anyway, so who cares if she has
mostly one gender around her as an adult role model?
Can you name anything, skills or attitude, that a girl simply cannot get from you or someone else from your own gender? And if you believe this, how can you explain that there is no impact on children when they are raised by gay/lesbian couples - even if I can assure you that nobody is "acting like the other sex" in these relationships?
consciousSoul, though I tire of reading your lengthy posts I do appreciate your input. (singlesuperdad)
Thank you superdad! We may have disagreed on certain topic in the past, but I assure you I appreciate your feedback. As for the length of my posts, what can I say.. it's hard sometimes to explain things in detail with short posts. My hopes are that parents who wishes to take the time to read might find something useful in this, and that the others will simply ignore the posts, as I do not intend to force anybody to read me.
Your research and experience says exactly what I've been trying to say. The only thing a single parent lacks is a mate not opposite sex role models and your research shows no benifit from "role model". Thank you. (singlesuperdad)
It's the truth. A single dad has everything required to help his kids, just like a single mom, so long as he can provide his daughter/son with a model for all the important skills and attitude, including communication, empathy and care. You're welcome! | |
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