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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:40:56 PM | "A true relationship isn't effortless at all."
Having had more than one effortless relationship, I have to disagree.
"People don't become part of a singing duet or any other kind of duet without
working at it and practicing....figuring out what works, what goes together and
what doesn't."
Some people manage to complicate any relationship they are in. Thank God I don't. I wouldn't get into a relationship unless it was effortless.
Problem is that many people want a relationship so much so they accept one that is work. Most of the time one of them gets tired of the work, and they find themselves back in datingland.
Maybe I won't be blessed with another effortless relationship. However, having had the effortless relationship, I will skip the relationship that take work. | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:43:37 PM | Zig Ziglar once said, A woman goes shopping for shoes and she see the most beautiful pair of shoes that were orginially $500.00, now on sale for $75.00. She wears a size 8 but these are 7 1/2 so she buys them and wears them once, they hurt her feet so bad that she never wears them again...cost per wearing =$75.00.
If she had brought a pair that fit her at $500.00 (which I know makes everyone's mind scream to pay that much for a pair of shoes). She would wear them more, because of the good quality she would be able to wear them for years making the cost per wearing under $10.00 and could go as low as $1.00 since they were such good quality.
In relationships some do the same thing, they try to hard, are they wrong to try so hard?
I have to agree with Ran, when something FITS it FITS but the issue I see is so many arent even willing to try on some shoes ...they keep looking for something else to fit, what they think they are vs what they truly need in their life. Its like a runner trying on high heels...what the use? | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:54:12 PM | Jeepers...Kudos to all those that found the perfect someone who
did everything exactly like them and never went out of the norm.
I can remember compromising...not on big things. But sometimes
I'd want to go on vacation one place...and he'd want to go someplace else..
so we'd talk about it and decide which was the best decision...obviously we
both didn't go where we wanted to first go.
Some of you people (as with most of these threads) make a big deal out of
nothing. I said I didn't believe all relationships were effortless. But I also
don't believe they are constant battles that I have to thank god I'm not
involved in.
Why is it always either or? I still maintain that unless you're a perfect person
and you meet another clone...you always have decisions you have to make.
If you choose to make a big deal out of EVERY decision and need some
sort of battle cry...then I guess that's your personal choice.
Thank god I'm able to reach an easy balance.
Jaysus kerist.
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:15:07 PM |
Maybe I won't be blessed with another effortless relationship. However, having had the effortless relationship, I will skip the relationship that take work.
I must admit I think I really lucked into my first relationship it really did seem effortless and cannot say we ever even raised our voices to one another.. Sometimes we disagreed but respected our differences. Interesting that my children were also so easy to raise.. That is other than one who went through the terrible twos.. I never had any problems with them that other parents would tell me about.
Some of our interest in life with a lot alike while others were drastically different. We enjoyed those interests we shared together and those we did not we just enjoyed apart.
I think when one considers how compatible they maybe with another they are considering that other person's happiness just as well.
Like for instance am sure there are a host of women that would truly enjoy traveling? I on the other hand enjoy being home and doing what I do.. When I do have to travel to compete it takes me about a week to recover from all the packing and unpacking I have to do.. Never mind all the prep work that goes into have 5 cats in show groom and all the carting, toting of equipment and all the rings I run. I am very fortunate that my younger son lends me a hand with moving equipment and does the driving..
Believe me I cannot wait to get home..and get some rest..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:52:39 PM | OP
Do you think at our age people are more prone to trying to make the shoe fit when in fact it does not..
You are absolutely right, sometimes you just can't get the right fit.
I remember once a rather overweight lady wanted to try a ride in a canoe, and although I have a large one designed specifically for long-distance tripping (carrying up to 900 lbs), we just couldn't fit her into that boat. In hindsight, maybe it was a good omen, because if we had flipped, I don't think I could have pulled her to the shore. | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:58:26 PM | God, do I HATE the phrase "Put on your big girl panties..."! Come up with something original for a change. That is SO overdone!
On topic: I think there are a lot of people who try to conform their lives to fit in with others. They pretend that they like certain activities or interests when, in fact, they couldn't care less and would rather avoid those things completely. And for what purpose? To find someone to be with and to do things you despise?? That makes no sense.
I want to be with someone who enjoys the same things I do. Sure, he will have other interests that I may not have yet to be exposed, but I can learn, if I so desire. As can he. Paul loves Australian Rules Football, but I don't understand the game, but I do enjoy watching sports. So he can teach me and we can enjoy watching it together. I love American football, and he can watch that with me. We don't have to be doing everything together. Paul likes deep sea fishing. Fishing isn't something I care to do. I'll go out with the girls and he can go out on the boat with the guys. We can compromise on many things, but our basic likes and dislikes are quite similar, as they should be.
We both have a passion for animals and we both want a small farm where we can have them running around. We both love country life but still enjoy what a large metropolitan city has to offer... theater, museums, restaurants. Both of us are willing to relocate for the other. If either of us hated country living or didn't want to partake in the pleasures in the city, we might have a problem. As it turns out, we don't. But why pretend to like something you don't? Why set yourself up to be miserable just to avoid being alone? I would much rather be alone than be with someone with whom I have very little in common. Or someone who hates my cat. Or someone who gets angry if I don't want to go fishing or hunting with him.
If you stay true to yourself, and look for someone who enjoys similar things and has similar goals in life, then you have a much better chance of the relationship working out. It's when you refuse to admit that the differences are too great that you have problems. | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 3:35:22 PM | Sapphireeyes makes a good point from Zig Ziglar. Actually I have bought shoes that looked good but did not feel so good once I wore them a few hours, or even less. One of the problems is I just try a pair on in the store, walk a dozen steps on carpet, tile or the like and decide whether or not they fit and whether I should buy them. It is only by taking them home, wearing them walking, maybe running and standing in them for hours at a time that I can truly judge how well they fit and how comfortable they will be day in and day out.
Dating is similar. I can meet a woman and she looks great, talks great - wow, do we relate! - she may be the one and on and on. Then, over a period of time I discover if she is a good fit through thick and thin and whether things will work out. For shoes and dates/mates, taking one's time to see if the fit is good is the key.
Actually, I do not try to make the shoe fit today as much as I did as a young man. When I wanted to get married at age 25 I needed a shoe, looked around, this one will do and got married. I did not think much about whether the shoe would fit as I aged and it did not. Today I try on whatever shoe turns up that looks good and like it might be a good fit. I do not try to make them fit. If one turns up that fits well for a couple of years I may buy it. Who knows? | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 3:35:42 PM |
having had the effortless relationship, I will skip the relationship that take work.
Like Mori, I too had an effortless marriage, that brought me happiness and "authentic joy", just being with him. So, I'll pass on a relationship that takes work.....'cause I just couldn't imagine what that would be like.
I'm definitely looking for the same effortless relationship again and " the FIT". The naysayers that state it isn't possible, never had it. And, probably with their present mind-set, never will.......~sigh~....... | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 3:39:20 PM | I think it would be boring to have too much in common. There has to be some overlap, yes, but if there is too much similarity, you end up living in each other's pockets. Not a good thing, IMO.
My husband loved pro football, and I knew zilch about it, never occured to me to even learn. I think one of the most disconcerting days of my life came when he was watching one, I was doing something else, and I suddenly realized I KNEW WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT! Eeek! | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 3:45:39 PM |
You are absolutely right, sometimes you just can't get the right fit.
I remember once a rather overweight lady wanted to try a ride in a canoe, and although I have a large one designed specifically for long-distance tripping (carrying up to 900 lbs), we just couldn't fit her into that boat. In hindsight, maybe it was a good omen, because if we had flipped, I don't think I could have pulled her to the shore.
It most likely was a really good omen. You might well have had to struggle getting her to shore.. aside from that fact when people are drowning they might well attempt to pull you under but am assuming she was wearing a life jacket to keep her afloat.
I did something rather foolish myself.. I just put one my my baby kittens in this man's lap and I do think he was very uncomfortable. I could tell he was rather hesitant about making contact with this cat that was now sitting on his lap. I really felt badly about it afterwards when I thought about it.
At least the lady you were with wanted to ride in the canoe. I do not think this man wanted a cat on his lap.. GGG
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 4:05:20 PM | cat - Msg 63
I could tell he was rather hesitant about making contact with this cat
Yeah, I know what you mean. Sometimes I am also hesitant about making the physical contact. | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 4:12:45 PM |
To answer your first question, I've changed mine. I switched from long term to dating. I've also rewritten, expanded, and fine-tuned it many times. As for myself, I've come across many perfectly nice men who live in towns and cities, but that's not for me - I can't stand them. Even if I didn't have animals that require space, I still can't stand them. I grew up in a big city and if I'd never left, I might still be in one. But now that I know what it's like to live in the country, if I had to live in a city again for any reason, I'd probably just shoot myself and put myself out of my misery. To each their own.
As for the second, if someone told me that, I'd hang up on them and block their number.
Kari I am also a country girl at heart. However my property in the US was far too secluded to consider it safe to live alone there.. If it had been I might have returned after caring for my mother after she passed away.
As for the second one someone giving away their pet. My immediate reaction was to pause and sleep on it and give that some thought.. I do not like to react right away to things when they effect me in a rather negative fashion.. I know I am best when I sleep on it.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 4:25:45 PM | Trying to make the shoe fit as we age...of course...thinking about Cinderella's shoe...
Be realistic.Don't start your relationship from compromising.Do you want to be from the start unhappy? | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 4:42:16 PM | "Kari I am also a country girl at heart. However my property in the US was far too secluded to consider it safe to live alone there.. If it had been I might have returned after caring for my mother after she passed away.
As for the second one someone giving away their pet. My immediate reaction was to pause and sleep on it and give that some thought.. I do not like to react right away to things when they effect me in a rather negative fashion.. I know I am best when I sleep on it.
thecatsmeoww "
I've never seen a place so secluded I'd feel unsafe. That's more or less how I see cities. The real drawback now is that I can't drive, and that does put some limitations on how secluded one can get.
In the second case, I've rehomed plenty of the critters I took in, but it was always to help them. The idea of 'getting rid' of a pet just so one can travel more makes me - well, I son't say it. Not gonna climb on that soapbox here.
Sometimes I wonder if people even read profiles on these sites. I certainly don't keep my menagerie a deep dark secret, but I've had one person invite me to move into his condo, and another one hung up on me when I said something about my horse. He said "I've always hated horses." I can't imagine why he bothered to send me his phone # in the first place. | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 4:49:40 PM | | No one is PURRFECT. However, I think each of us owe it to ourselves as well as others to be our true authentic selves. I HATE shoes that don't fit. I prefer a comfortable, and perhaps a little bit worn, type of shoe. Doesn't have to be glamour, but I do need for it to provide comfort, support, and I have it because I WANT them. | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 4:59:00 PM | Roadtrip said: But for the most part, once you clear your 40s, the clay is pretty hard, and there's not going to be too much change, save for a serious incident. We have become the "round holes" and the square pegs that come along make look nice, but it's up to us to admit - to ourselves and the others - that the square peg won't fit.
I agree with this accept at this age I am really discovering I can be anything I want to be.
I do not have to go along with a fad just because it is in style at the moment.
So if someone comes along that is singing a new dance well I just might want to take a look at it and who knows maybe I will really like it.
Always stay open for something new and exciting to come your way.
Message for the Cat's meow: while I really like what you have to say and I think that we could be great freinds I personally am more of a dog lover and cat's make me nervous.
Does this mean that I could not still be your best freind no this means that you have your home and I have mine. | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 6:20:08 PM | I am wondering about the people who are saying they had effortless relationships. Are they all widows/widowers then? Because if it was effortless, why did it end, why are you here?
I am also wondering if the term 'effortless' means different things to different people. My experience is that people are complex human beings. Per the quotation on my profile, love means looking outward in the same direction. Having the same vision; compatibility is the most important factor. However, we are all still human; accepting and adaping and compromising is part of any relationship. To what degree you have to do that may be what people are talking about? People have bad days, what if you are both having a bad day? You have to make some effort to get along and get through the day. Did you go through years of marriage without an argument? I don't care how compatible two people are, nor how much their interests are similar. To sustain a long term,on going relationship of substance and depth, one has to put forth some effort. | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 6:38:13 PM |
I am wondering about the people who are saying they had effortless relationships. Are they all widows/widowers then? Because if it was effortless, why did it end, why are you here?
Yes, I suspect quite a few of us who say that had a partner who died.
I am also wondering if the term 'effortless' means different things to different people ... People have bad days, what if you are both having a bad day? You have to make some effort to get along and get through the day. Did you go through years of marriage without an argument? I don't care how compatible two people are, nor how much their interests are similar. To sustain a long term,on going relationship of substance and depth, one has to put forth some effort.
There's probably something to the "different things to different people" aspect of it, but yes, I spent 25 years with a man and we never had an argument.
We weren't clones; we were almost polar opposites in personality - I'm an introvert and he was a social butterfly. But we didn't fight, because nothing ever happened that was fight-worthy. We liked one another. We laughed a lot. We just got along. It was just one of those things, and certainly nothing I feel "proud" of. In fact, I'm well aware that was pure luck, and I'm really not good relationship material in general.
I don't want to "work" at a relationship, so I won't. | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 6:43:39 PM | IMO, an “effortless” relationship is a boring, stagnant relationship. I would never want to be with someone who wasn’t interested in challenging me to “put some effort” into making our lives together stimulating and exciting and who, in turn, wasn’t prepared to put forth the same effort towards those same goals.
That being said, I have about a 100 pairs of shoes of all styles and colors, so I am very flexible and adaptable when it comes to what I put my feet into. | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 7:09:26 PM | "People have bad days, what if you are both having a bad day? You have to make some effort to get along and get through the day."
If I am having a bad day, that isn't part of my relationship with my spouse or friends. Neither my late spouse or my friend ever take their bad day out on me. Exactly the opposite, they/I tell the other about our bad day in as short amount of time possible if it makes sense to tell the story at all, then move on to enjoying each others company.
" Did you go through years of marriage without an argument? "
That is where respect for others comes in. Recognizing that they have the right to their lives, and how they live them. Years of marriage without arguing............yes. Years of friendship with arguing.....................yes again. I have friends that I have been close with for decades and never an arguement. Sure there are people that I either want or do argue with, but they would never make it to friend status never mind relationship status.
People have different style of having a relationship, I know which style works for me.
"IMO, an “effortless” relationship is a boring, stagnant relationship. I would never want to be with someone who wasn’t interested in challenging me to “put some effort” into making our lives together stimulating and exciting and who, in turn, wasn’t prepared to put forth the same effort towards those same goals. "
Nothing stagnant about me or my relationships. I enjoy totally equal relationships. I have no need to challenge others that I care about. I wouldn't put up with being challenged. I am too busy living an adventurous life with the people who enjoy adventures with me.
I have know friends who love to fight with their mates then have passionate make up sex. If it works for them, great. I will save my energy for pure passion.
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 7:14:18 PM | It's really hard to describe an effortless relationship. But, I'll try. ......so here goes. There's no "power struggle". There's no competition or one up-manship, there's no agenda about who's right or who's wrong and who's going to win or lose. It feels like you've known each other for ever and have each other's back.. You're in-tune to each others moods and feelings. But, most especially you're accepting of them. Every day life is simple, unhurried and easy. He wants pork chops for dinner, so do I. I want the garbage taken out, He does it without having to ask. He wants to go somewhere today and guess what, so do I. I want to make love and so does he. Why? Because we want to please each other.It's a lot of little things. It's kind of a ying and yang, finishing each other's thoughts and sentences, having fun and laughing together, working together for common goals, no issues, similar tastes, absolute trust in each other and absolute respect for each other......... Lots of little things.......... I could go on and on. But, it's ~magic~. It's effortless.
Sure! there's the occasional conflict. But, nothing that isn't talked about and resolved easily...............~effortlessly~
To stay in keeping with the OP's question.......an effortless relationship is like taking the work boots off and putting on a pair of comfy old slippers. Sometimes, it means running in the dewy morning grass barefoot, too. In a nutshell, it's the freedom to be yourself with your mate and know you're loved, just the way you are. | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 7:15:49 PM |
have friends that I have been close with for decades and never an arguement. With respect, I don't think this comparison works. I too have very dear friends I've been close to for decades and have never had an argument. And I definitely don't subscribe to the pattern of behavior that one treats friends with more generousity than close family members (What I mean is that people will often let something go with a friend or acquaintance but not with a loved one because they take their loved ones for granted.)
However, with a spouse, the relationship is far more involved than with any friend, and there is much more together time, so it is far more complicated. But, of course, people have different styles of having a relationship. | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 7:22:47 PM | | I have read this entire thread and am amazed. OP (and others) are you saying that people put things on their profile just to accommodate what they "think" potential mates may want to read? So, what you are saying for example: I smoke- however in order to attract more suitors I would lie and state I do not smoke?? If this is what this thread is about I am amazed and maybe want to just back out of these dating sites. Call me inexperienced but why would a person choose to not be truthful then meet someone and take the risk that they now judge you as dishonest? You'll never meet anyone that way... | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 7:28:58 PM | ""However, with a spouse, the relationship is far more involved than with any friend"
Not if you apply the same caring, and the same way for being together with a spouse that you do with a friend.
"(What I mean is that people will often let something go with a friend or acquaintance but not with a loved one because they take their loved ones for granted.)"
Some people take loved ones for granted, and some people don't. I don't understand why my spouse wouldn't deserve to be treated as well as I treat my friends.
A blessing is an unwarrented gift. The fact that my marriage was a perfect fitting shoe was a gift. The fact that I don't allow people into my life that I would fight with is a gift of personality that I was simply born with.
Being in a position to choose the right fit in a relationship is a great gift. I think that once we have had the right fit in a marriage we aren't likely to be involved in any relationship for doesn't fit an causes us discomfort. | |
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