| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 8:50:03 PM |
I think that once we have had the right fit in a marriage we aren't likely to be involved in any relationship for doesn't fit an causes us discomfort.
That's pretty much it in a nut shell.
Why would anyone want a pair of shoes that don't fit? Or, a relationship that doesn't fit, for that matter?
Ill-fitting shoes, like ill-fitting relationships , cause corns, callouses and falling arches? Bad shoes affect your feet. Bad relationships affect your heart. | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 10:25:42 PM | | totally agree with accommodation and compromise ^^^and isn't that the hard part? figuring out what is legitimate accommodation, and where the boundaries start being slowly crossed... always was for me, anyway. | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/10/2009 11:57:45 PM | I know I'm not. In fact it seems to be that the older I get the less likely I am to do so.
Over the course of my lifetime I've had too many encounters with people in many sorts of relationships (work, friends, romance etc.) where I figured that even tho X, Y, or Z bothered me that I'd probably get used to it in time.
The problem is I never did and the heads up was always that time does not work that way. I have never been arrested let alone in jail but I imagine that doing time is much like what I brought down upon myself in some misguided attempt to make the shoe fit. | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 12:57:44 AM | hey there gaddy.....
i've got some spunky gold sandals that would suit you just fine.....
you won't even have to put out for them.....
i'll give 'em to ya..... | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 5:48:18 AM |
I have read this entire thread and am amazed. OP (and others) are you saying that people put things on their profile just to accommodate what they "think" potential mates may want to read? So, what you are saying for example: I smoke- however in order to attract more suitors I would lie and state I do not smoke??
Yes unfortunately some will do this. But in my case they list they are a smoker when in fact they are not. They also list they are a social drinker which they also are not. Then when either deciding we do not have enough in common to meet they will change to being a non smoker and drinking 3 or more times a week..
It amazed me when it happened once but then found it was happening again and again.
Some people are honest about this and others just put down whatever you have down on your profile.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 5:55:54 AM |
I think that once we have had the right fit in a marriage we aren't likely to be involved in any relationship for doesn't fit an causes us discomfort.
Good point and I never really thought that some did not experience a hassle free relationship.. I enjoyed that with my first husband that passed away and also believe it or not with my own children growing up. I remember listening to friend's problems with their children and to be honest I found it difficult to really relate to them. They could not wait for them to be out of the house. I on the other hand dreaded the day that my youngest son would leave the nest. Amazing was when he met a girl and fell in love he wanted me to move in with them. He was really worried about me on the mountain alone. I knew it was time for him to have his wings. Aside from that I was coming home to care for my mother that was dying of cancer. Unfortunately his girlfriend ended up passing away 2 years after my mother did.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 6:51:24 AM | I had a different reaction. I was not amazed. I'm 50 years old. This is not the first example of false advertising I have encountered. I was not amazed that people would be amazed or that they would find it to be an interesting topic, for both the amazement and fascination are also things I have known about from previous experience. My reaction was similar to amusement but not as funny.
I know that here at POF I am among experts who generously observe, point to and criticize the failing and unsuitability of other people. The creativity with which this work is undertaken would be remarkable if it was not entirely spent on finding various redundant ways to explain the one problem of how being single is due to the shortcomings of others, and on chiming in to agree.
I am not even amazed that the example provided of how to be good and worthy is not followed by those who aren't. Such is life for those blessed with a critical eye, who bravely persist in their denouncement of others even at the cost of some of their romantic appeal. If being unloved is the price to pay for pointing out the many ways others fail, then it is the truth that is to blame and only the enemies of truth are repelled as the result. Better to have no love at all than the love of a flawed person who cannot abide the championship of righteousness.
Some feet are not worthy and that is why shoes must remain empty, for a shoe that is empty is a noble thing and is better off than one into which a stinky foot is put. | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 6:54:50 AM | You do realize, farceur, as you are so obviously intelligent, that this post, chastizing others for being judgmental, is itself exceedingly judgmental?  | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 7:00:08 AM |
You do realize, farceur, as you are so obviously intelligent, that this post, chastizing others for being judgmental, is itself exceedingly judgmental?
Good comment ismene2!! Aside from that many are very worthy people just looking for the right match/partner.. Let's face it if it was easy to find that match we would not all be at this party..
I am here for the party!!
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 7:37:21 AM | There is a difference between rightousness and preference.
Rightousness demands a captive audience and expects the model to be the same for all.
As in preference is a mere adoration for something that brings one joy.
For example: I get joy out of listening to a good sermon on sunday morning that is heartfelt and non-judgemental but yet is also enlightening and educational.
This is what I do on Sundays I have always longed for someone to do that with me rather than go alone.
Shall I sacrifice my desire to have this because of my desire to be politically correct?
No I do not judge people for finding their own way spiritually but I would like to have a person that shares this similarity . Will I find it ? Who knows but for now I still want it. | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 7:40:06 AM | OK, I know I'm obuse, but a lot of what I just read just strikes me as silly. I'm not on here for dating so it's likely I'm missing somehting, but:
The OP made the analogy to "the shoe" fitting. Well, perhaps I'm just blessed in life's foot wear lottery, but I have more than one pair of shoes. Each is used for a different purpose. For instance, I have shoes That I wear for gardening and those for mowing, Some are for casual and some for more formal affairs, and while I no longer have running shoes, I do own several for walking. What i'm getting at is that none of us are static persons. Not in the long term nor in our current existence. We wear different shoes for different times.
Now it seem to me that when we contact someone that sparks an interest, we see that person while wearing a particular type of shoe. OP, th eanimal person who no longer has animals stills sees himself as wearing those shoes. And why shouldn't he. Juat because he no longer has the animals doesn't make him less of an animal person. Perhaps all he needed to reaquire animals was the right person to get him to settle down from his wandering ways. Or maybe not. eh.
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And ranran's comment:
The best love affair is the effortless one: A simple harmony of like-minded souls. makes absolutely no sense to me. Gack! I cannot inagine such a love affair where no conflict arises or no effort is required. What I have seen over the years is that in the most sucessful love affairs the dance of marriage takes into account the trials and foibles of two people earnestly sacrificing for each other as they learn day to day to live with each other.
I tend to agree with the statement that we can't change another; but, we can change for another. A relationship that is as easy as an Italian leather loafer in the beginning will require effort in the long run. If the participants are unwilling to put in the effort to work to better the partnership, they'll last about as long as that Italian leather loafer in a feed lot or out riding a fence line.
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And speaking of time, too many posts on here make it sound like relationships are static affairs. That even in the face of changing societal mores, financial pressures, job changes, and , of course, age, the relationship must stay the same. This is utter inanity. And insanity. Are we really expecting our relationships at 50 or 60 to be anything like they were 20-30 years ago. Think of all the knowledge and esperience we've acquired along the way. While my core beliefs may, more or less, be relatively unchanged in that decades long march, the substnce of who I am has certainly evolved, or in some cases, de-volved. How, then, could any relationahip I'm in survive if it too, didn't change. And change takes effort. We may pick up some some rough edges with that change. They'll need to be smoothed a bit, or the round parts might need to be squared a little. It's all about some form of give and take.
TK | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 8:40:19 AM | | It’s been my experience that those who refuse to engage in relationships with others UNLESS they see eye to eye on just about everything, lack conflict resolution skills and the ability to compromise. Their view of the world, their opinions and judgments, are written in stone. They can’t fathom and see no value in the diversity of human personalities and choose instead to avoid anyone who does not think or believe as they do. They’ve worn just one pair of shoes their entire life, being ever so careful to guard them and protect them so that they will last a lifetime. Heaven forbid they should someday have to get a new pair because that would throw their narrow, closed little world completely outside of their comfort zone. | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 8:48:14 AM |
Maybe. I can start picking up my socks and underwear, but fundamental changes?
Any fundamental changes I believe we would live to regret..I am not even sure one can even do that permanently? They are bound to resurface again in time..
In the meantime a whole lot of longing would be taking place..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 10:57:35 AM |
Perhaps all he needed to reaquire animals was the right person to get him to settle down from his wandering ways. Or maybe not. eh.
Not if this happened just recently because he wanted to travel? Unless he can change his mind on the drop of a hat which would concern me.. It is my hope that he find someone that will enjoy that with him.. Furthermore I would be a wet blanket in that regard, since I am pretty much a creature of habit.
I say he deserves to be in the element he enjoys... Likewise so do I.
And speaking of time, too many posts on here make it sound like relationships are static affairs. That even in the face of changing societal mores, financial pressures, job changes, and , of course, age, the relationship must stay the same. This is utter inanity. And insanity.
Less changes once you are retired and living on a fixed income.. The "major changes" that I can foresee happening will be with regards to our health.. Yes we might develop some new interests along the way but other than that I cannot see a whole lot?
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 11:06:44 AM |
I don't understand the argument that a good fit excludes the ability to compromise, when it's the 'bad fit' that hinders that ability. It's been my experience that the people trying to mold another are the least moldable themselves. I'm looking for a relationship, not a project - and I sure as hell don't want to be someone's project.
I do not believe you can mold anyone into something they are not.. unless you got them under hypnosis!! So while your so busy smelling the roses keep your head on your shoulders..
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 11:20:23 AM | "I do not believe you can mold anyone into something they are not.. unless you got them under hypnosis!! So while your so busy smelling the roses keep your head on your shoulders.."
Don't you think some compromise is inevitable and worthwhile? When I met my late husband, I compromised by giving up my space and privacy enough to include him, and he gave up his free and easy bed-hopping lifestyle to become faithful to only me. There were other smaller compromises along the way, but those were the biggest for each of us. And we were quite happy with our choices to compromise to get what we each wanted for over 20 years.
And the roses he gave me smelled very nice, too. | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 12:11:42 PM | Ran, Im with you...when there is harmony in a relationship you appreciate each other and your differences...a good effortless fit means that both persons have the respect for THEMSELVES and the other party, they are healed and they realize the importance of the other person in their life...that doesnt mean they are similar at all, it means they understand how valueable the other person is and treat them accordingly.
There is no molding of the other person cause there is no need to mold them, they are accepted for who they are...not what you want them to be.
One of the things I have realized that most couples end up broken up over is when the realization that the other person isnt who you wanted them to be to you...they are who they always were and you couldnt mold them into what you wanted them to be, in an effortless fit there is no need to mold cause they are what you wanted to start with or you are mature enough to accept the difference between what you Need in a relaitonship and what you WANT in a relationship | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 12:23:51 PM |
Don't you think some compromise is inevitable and worthwhile?
Every relationship requires some compromise but what you will find is those small compromises you make will not be major ones but rather minor.
The extreme is every compromise you are made to make takes a piece of you with it. The end result is unhappiness in the relationship and chances are you will find yourself having to put those pieces back together again and single.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 12:37:31 PM | "Every relationship requires some compromise but what you will find is those small compromises you make will not be major ones but rather minor.
The extreme is every compromise you are made to make takes a piece of you with it. The end result is unhappiness in the relationship and chances are you will find yourself having to put those pieces back together again and single."
Hmm. By far the biggest compromise I had to make was when my children were born. I went from being a single [more or less] person to a parent. I wouldn't go back for the world. I've also seen some women who have done just that, the me-first types who either relegated their children to the status of a talking pet, or simply left them with their father so they could 'find 'themselves.' I have wondered at times if they were either happy or satisfied with the self they found.
Granted, children are not men, but haaving a successful relationship with either takes work. | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 1:13:20 PM | | I had one date tell me I should quit my job because he didnt like the hours I work! I love my job, and have a house payment | |
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| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 1:34:05 PM |
Hmm. By far the biggest compromise I had to make was when my children were born. I went from being a single [more or less] person to a parent.
I realized at this point that I must be talking to a man here. Sorry I thought you were woman by your choice of handle. I find that really hard to call having children a compromise so it really through me for a loop for a moment. You see I wanted to be a mother more than anything else in the world.. I love to raise babies and still do it to a very limited extent.
However now they are longer the human variety.. Getting up every two hours round the clock is much more taxing when you are talking more than just one baby.. By the time you have finished feeding them all you are lucky if you can shut your eyes for 15 minutes.. You go on little sleep and struggle to keep those little ones alive.
A human baby seems like a piece of cake. After all you get up every 4 hours and are most likely are just feeding that one..
I do not think all women were born to be mothers? I certainly was born to be just that. I was most certainly am in my element and truly loved every moment of it.
My biggest contribution in life will always been my two boys..
thecatsmeoww | |
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