|
|
|
|
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 11:20:23 AM | "I do not believe you can mold anyone into something they are not.. unless you got them under hypnosis!! So while your so busy smelling the roses keep your head on your shoulders.."
Don't you think some compromise is inevitable and worthwhile? When I met my late husband, I compromised by giving up my space and privacy enough to include him, and he gave up his free and easy bed-hopping lifestyle to become faithful to only me. There were other smaller compromises along the way, but those were the biggest for each of us. And we were quite happy with our choices to compromise to get what we each wanted for over 20 years.
And the roses he gave me smelled very nice, too. | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 12:11:42 PM | Ran, Im with you...when there is harmony in a relationship you appreciate each other and your differences...a good effortless fit means that both persons have the respect for THEMSELVES and the other party, they are healed and they realize the importance of the other person in their life...that doesnt mean they are similar at all, it means they understand how valueable the other person is and treat them accordingly.
There is no molding of the other person cause there is no need to mold them, they are accepted for who they are...not what you want them to be.
One of the things I have realized that most couples end up broken up over is when the realization that the other person isnt who you wanted them to be to you...they are who they always were and you couldnt mold them into what you wanted them to be, in an effortless fit there is no need to mold cause they are what you wanted to start with or you are mature enough to accept the difference between what you Need in a relaitonship and what you WANT in a relationship | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 12:23:51 PM |
Don't you think some compromise is inevitable and worthwhile?
Every relationship requires some compromise but what you will find is those small compromises you make will not be major ones but rather minor.
The extreme is every compromise you are made to make takes a piece of you with it. The end result is unhappiness in the relationship and chances are you will find yourself having to put those pieces back together again and single.
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 12:37:31 PM | "Every relationship requires some compromise but what you will find is those small compromises you make will not be major ones but rather minor.
The extreme is every compromise you are made to make takes a piece of you with it. The end result is unhappiness in the relationship and chances are you will find yourself having to put those pieces back together again and single."
Hmm. By far the biggest compromise I had to make was when my children were born. I went from being a single [more or less] person to a parent. I wouldn't go back for the world. I've also seen some women who have done just that, the me-first types who either relegated their children to the status of a talking pet, or simply left them with their father so they could 'find 'themselves.' I have wondered at times if they were either happy or satisfied with the self they found.
Granted, children are not men, but haaving a successful relationship with either takes work. | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 1:13:20 PM | | I had one date tell me I should quit my job because he didnt like the hours I work! I love my job, and have a house payment | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 1:34:05 PM |
Hmm. By far the biggest compromise I had to make was when my children were born. I went from being a single [more or less] person to a parent.
I realized at this point that I must be talking to a man here. Sorry I thought you were woman by your choice of handle. I find that really hard to call having children a compromise so it really through me for a loop for a moment. You see I wanted to be a mother more than anything else in the world.. I love to raise babies and still do it to a very limited extent.
However now they are longer the human variety.. Getting up every two hours round the clock is much more taxing when you are talking more than just one baby.. By the time you have finished feeding them all you are lucky if you can shut your eyes for 15 minutes.. You go on little sleep and struggle to keep those little ones alive.
A human baby seems like a piece of cake. After all you get up every 4 hours and are most likely are just feeding that one..
I do not think all women were born to be mothers? I certainly was born to be just that. I was most certainly am in my element and truly loved every moment of it.
My biggest contribution in life will always been my two boys..
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 1:38:56 PM |
I had one date tell me I should quit my job because he didnt like the hours I work! I love my job, and have a house payment
You know when you love your job it never feels like work. Anyone that would ask you to give up something you love has a few screws loose. Perhaps he himself was working at a job he disliked and did not realize that people can enjoy work.
thecatsmeoww | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 1:57:32 PM | "I realized at this point that I must be talking to a man here. Sorry I thought you were woman by your choice of handle. I find that really hard to call having children a compromise so it really through me for a loop for a moment."
Last time I checked, I was most definitely a woman, and I still am. But for a lot of women, having children IS a compromise, a big one - they deal with it in their own ways. I was committed to being a mother, I knew plenty of others who weren't. My point was that no matter how much a person wants somethiing, whether it's babies, a relationship, a marriage, when you make that kind of commitment, there will always be some compromise. It doesn't always take something away from one to make compromises, sometimes what one gets in return is infinitely more valuable than what one thinks one has given up. | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 2:16:30 PM | "Is it the nurturing thing or what? Is this how we are to understand 'effort'? I don't want or expect a woman to be my mother. (Well, unless I catch a bad cold and turn into a big baby.) "
Nope. My kids are grown and on their own. I never much cared for or about kids other than my own, ever. I admire some of those who are nurturing, but I'm not one. For me, even though I wanted them, having them was as much of a compromise to my lifestyle as having a man around full time was. It's all about willingness to compromise.
But that need to nurture goes both ways. I saw not long ago on POF a man's profile starting out with "Looking for my little girl.' He's older than I am, for heaven sake. I certainly wouldn't be interested in someone with that attitude, nor would I be inclined to make any compromises whatsoever for him. To each their own. | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 3:01:04 PM | "Making the shoe fit or squeezing a square peg into a round hole."
May I suggest a metaphor that would more fit my lifestyle? What I'm thinking is that I have what I consider to be a plastic shopping bag from the grocery store.
I can put things in there that I want and if it becomes too full, it will tear or burst.
I know that over the years, I've matured and become pretty considerate of others. I won't leave the seat up even in my own house because I've encountered women who do go to the bathroom in the dark. Why? It's because turning the lights on does a few
things,,,
If tired, it hurts their eyes
If tired, it may make it a little more difficult to sleep
If they're considerate, they may be afraid turning on the light will wake me up,,,
I know, it seems like I'm going nowhere with this, sorry if it's longwinded but I'm talking about simple things like respect.
The things that go in the bag I'm speaking of are the things that are inconsiderate in nature, spiteful even,,,
If I, in my own house, don't like to smoke in my own bedroom, don't ask that I change it, there's a reason...
I do smoke, therefore, if during the better months of the year, I smoke outside most of the time, do not expect that I should do it all year if it's my house...
The bathroom, if you feel free to walk in during my time of humility, you know sure as hell I will feel just as free, you better expect it, if you still expect privacy after invading mine, well...
I lay my IDs, money and all out for you to see, I have nothing to hide. Should you decide you need "your personal stuff" that I am not to see, don't get upset if I change my ways on that subject...
If we're together, what I have is yours and it should go both ways but, if you decide what's yours is yours only...
I have been to tupperware parties, baby showers and the like, I will invite you to anything I do if you would like, if you decide that you need personal time, do not get upset when I make the same decision...
These are the things that tend to make the bag break,,,
All of this is laid out in the beginning. This is how I define my life/relationship. It starts out this way but I usually find that it goes to these end results and I tend to walk away.
What I'm looking for is not someone like me or a "clone" as others have called it but someone who has a lot of the same "values" as me, that's all. Our lives can be made up of a myriad of other constants that may or may not include each other,,,
The only square peg or wrong size shoe for me is one who tends to fill the bag with unwanted items,,, they can take the bag with them when they leave,,, | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 3:48:14 PM |
A true relationship isn't effortless at all. It takes attention and compromise.
Unless of course two perfect people meet...then yeah...that would be effortless
I guess.
I don't think anyone has to be perfect. But I do know that *sometimes* if you've grown enough, and are also very lucky, and the other has also grown enough, that it can be *very* close to effortless. . . .
I was always a big fan of working on THE relationship, and always did so, very hard. Then, last time, about five years ago, that was simply beautiful all on it's own, with minimal effort on either one's part: we simply meshed in a way that made what we wanted also what the other wanted. Our disagreements, such as they were, occurred maybe three or four times a year, and were resolved within minutes, with good cheer and laughter.
I have no idea if I passed a threshold or whether I was simply just lucky. I *do* know that that relationship bore very little resemblance to the rest in my life up to that point. What is more interesting to me is that the one I'm in right now, of nearly two years duration so far is very similar to the last one: easy as can be. So I've either learned something about picking, or I've been double lucky (and both could be true).
 | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 4:44:25 PM |
I don't understand the argument that a good fit excludes the ability to compromise, when it's the 'bad fit' that hinders that ability. It's been my experience that the people trying to mold another are the least moldable themselves. I'm looking for a relationship, not a project - and I sure as hell don't want to be someone's project.
I’m not advocating that either partner should try to mold or change the other to achieve a “good fit”. A good fit doesn’t necessarily mean that a relationship is harmonious and without tension or friction ALL the time. There’s a lot of value and opportunities for personal growth in interacting with people with alternative viewpoints and resolving differences that arise from those interactions.
If the expectation that a relationship isn’t “good” unless it’s all sunshine and roses, all the time, and to only consider relationships with those people who require “no effort” to understand and get along with, it’s no wonder that so many people have such a hard time finding a partner. | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 8:01:29 PM | Last Christmas I connected with a man on here who seemed ideal for me, at least if I were to go by what he wrote in his profile.
He listed himself as a Christian, but hadn't been inside a church since the day he got married...the first time.
He said that communication was important to him in a relationship, but turned ice cold after our second date. Why the cold shoulder? Because he couldn't stand the fragrance of my (unscented) skin creme, lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The first red flag that flew during our phone conversations prior to our meeting face to face was his announcement that his parents were going to love me. When he so abruptly ended all communication, ^^^^ I sent him a rather scathing email reminding him of that and suggesting that he look for a woman with whom he could see himself in a longterm relationship. After all, it isn't the parents who will be living with her...in most cases anyway!!  : | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 8:26:45 PM | As someone who I went on one (and that was ok as there wasn't an attraction) date with said to me...when you reach a certain age, it's all a matter of what you are willing to put up with. I've tried to make shoes that don't fit do so and if you can't walk in them or they are too tight they tend to make you dour of disposition. There are times where barefoot is best.  | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 8:35:58 PM | I'd be barefoot forever, if I could.
I dunno. Just thinking about this topic made me depressed.
It all depends on how much you have to compromise. If it's more than makes you comfortable, nope, I'm gone. Too hard. Don't need it that bad. | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/11/2009 9:02:46 PM | ^^^
That's the whole point
comfortable
without it, it's not a real or loving relationship
Everyone wants to make it so frikken difficult,,, | |
|
| |
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/12/2009 5:03:21 AM |
My point was that no matter how much a person wants somethiing, whether it's babies, a relationship, a marriage, when you make that kind of commitment, there will always be some compromise.
I honestly can say I did not feel like I compromised much at all having children.. My older child was on the road with me growing up..My career continued and he slept in his little pack sack on my back while I performed. He did not have the "normal baby" upbringing like my second son did. By that time I had changed careers and worked out of my home. I also trained and competed in Triathlons around that time.
I really would have to plague my brain to see where I made those compromises raising my children. I also ended up being a single parent since their dad passed young.
Let me take you to my present life.. In my retirement I enjoy showing and breeding Persian cats. I breed just one litter per year to keep me in the show ring. Obviously having animals I am not free to just come and go as I please. Also my daytime hours are pretty much taken up caring for them and keeping them in show condition. If I travel I travel with my cats. I do not have the "free time" other people might and generally speaking not as free as I could be without an animal. However this was my choice to make and I certainly do not feel like I am compromising anything..
If you talking about compromising in a relationship with your children? I honestly cannot remember bargaining with them with the exception of this one. I did tell my younger son if the graduated with "high honors" I would gift him with his first car, since this was something he wanted as well as needed to attend college. So he graduated with those high honors and I bought he his first car a second hand low milage white Cadillak.. lol
When I told my children to do something they just did it?
thecatsmeoww | |
|
burpie
|
Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 113 | |
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/12/2009 6:07:09 AM | | personally, i don't waste my time trying to make the shoe fit.... either it does or it doesn't.... that sort of makes us sound like because we are old we are desperate and would resort to what? lowering our expectations? standards? compromising our beliefs? values? just how far could this go? once you go down the slippery slope of compromise, what might you NOT do for a date or a lay or a friendship or a husband or a job or anything? Isn't it better to accept whatever situation you are faced with, make the best of it, learn from it or just move on? i think my age only makes me feel less likely to put up with things I probably would have put up with when I was younger. Last night, in DC and attending a 9/11 benefit, it really underscored how we realize now, more than ever, that life is so tenuous, it is short and I just don't waste time forcing issues or spending energy to make gold out of straw. | |
|
| Trying to make the shoe fit as we age
Posted: 9/12/2009 6:13:48 AM | I'd be barefoot forever, if I could. One of my favorite tee shirts says, "No shoes, no shirt, no problem." I wear shirts, but I am barefoot as much as possible. Even when I worked in an office, I kicked my shoes off. I saw a recent story on TV about a man that runs that doesn't wear shoes. He was saying how much better it is for your whole body. Your feet weren't meant to be confined in shoes where they can't react to walking in confinement.
Do people really meet and date those that are that different, that have that many irritating habits? Other than different cultures, I haven't noticed that people are that majorily different.
If someone has a habit that you can't tolerate now, forget it. Leaving the seat up is too much to live with.
If you don't care for someone's lifestyle, I can't even imagine how you could think about spending much time with them.
We can change the way we do some things. But we don't change the way we think about most things. We do get conditioned or programmed for certain actions and responses. You can either embrace those differences in someone else or it can bug the crap out of you that they are so different. Personally I do enjoy looking at things differently.
Call me inexperienced but why would a person choose to not be truthful then meet someone and take the risk that they now judge you as dishonest? You'll never meet anyone that way... Perhaps naive would be better...nah, I don't like labeling people, so how about you just make sure you talk to the person you plan on dating, making sure they send you recent full length pictures, and get to know them a bit before meeting. The nonsmoker becomes a smoker when he drinks. The nondrug user becomes an every day pot smoker. The athletic man owns a membership to the gym that he never uses. The man that didn't care about having children suddenly decides that you are too old because he really does want to make his own children (of course he has never had a fertility test and is into his 40's so he probably is sterile anyway). The 6'1" man suddenly becomes 5'11". The man that likes to go hear bands suddenly only likes to hear them on his stereo. The man that likes movies now only watches Blu-ray. The man pictured in the suit was at a wedding and the suit was borrowed from his brother in law and he never is seen without jeans on and a tee shirt. Lying about your age is on another thread. Pictures I mentioned, but that is another thread. I could keep going on these things. You really have to get to know someone before you go out with them. | |
|
|
| Page 5 of 5
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5 |
|
Home
login 
