| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:24:01 PM | I'm sorry. I should have had the sense to change my post when I signed back up recently to keep up with the forums. It should read nothing but just that - that I am not looking for anything but some advice in connection with my marriage and I thought this forum would help. The newer post was created using old information and has remained hidden, so it cannot be viewed by anyone looking for a partner.
I only seek information regarding the issue in my marriage. Thank you for any constructive advice you may give. | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:25:20 PM | I think of myself as being quite open minded to this subject. If my SO did this on a rare occasion...it wouldn't be a deal breaker.
Hower...in your circumstances...he has chosen this over you. THAT would be a deal breaker for me. In fact...I'm not entirely sure who is attempting the "break".
If he had a drug addiction...and agreed that he would take steps to change that...so be it. | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:25:46 PM | I'm sorry. I should have had the sense to change my post when I signed back up recently to keep up with the forums. It should read nothing but just that - that I am not looking for anything but some advice in connection with my marriage and I thought this forum would help. The newer post was created using old information and has remained hidden, so it cannot be viewed by anyone looking for a partner.
I only seek information regarding the issue in my marriage. Thank you for any constructive advice you may give. | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:26:07 PM | Lady, Im going to be harsh with you, because Im afraid you dont get it, or may never get it.
1) stop using the word " soul mate" another over used word
2) you're trying to change someone, he is who he is
3) He's right about if you love him you love him unconditionally end of story.
He's a pot smoker you're not, He wont quit because he doesn't want to, its his life and if he doesn't think the marriage is worth him quitting, guess what?? ITS OVER
If you cant compromise about his pot smoking, guess what?? ITS OVER.
I dated a woman once who was a pot smoker , she quit for a bit but started doing it again, to me it wasn't acceptable, I dont smoke the shit and i dont want to be with someone who smokes it, so i made a decision.
You either stick by your guns or you dont and put up with it, I would suggest start upgrading your choices on men or learn the skills how to pick a better quality of men. | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:32:51 PM |
Should I stick to my morals and allow this marriage to dissolve? Or should I stick with this man through 'better or worse' as I promised in our wedding vows?
I'd stick with the vows.
Just don't do it with him and I wouldn't let him do it at home.
My ex used to smoke pot all the time. He made trouble where we lived and he got arrested all the time.. | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:36:48 PM | | I would be more concerned about the fact that your husband is looking at porn pics of his friend's daughter... If all you say in your profile is true, then he is NOT your soulmate... he's not on the same field as you morally or ethically... Geez, I would feel ashamed and disgusted if one of my friend's daughters sent me dirty pics of herself... GROSS!! | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:37:07 PM | I doubt that his reason REALLY is pot smoking, it's just one thing he can identify without thinking too much. There is probably much more going on in his head, and he's smoking pot to self-medicate the "bad" away.
I'm not sure how this a "morals" thing--how is smoking to do with morals?===========
Edit: in any case, is it against your morals to divorce?
I think that is where you are headed--he's unhappy, and NOT your soul mate; you both seem like you'd be happier without each other. Only YOU know what you can tolerate, though. | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:39:19 PM |
OK, I have been with a man for 1 1/2 years (married 7 months) and believe with all my heart he is my soul mate.
But does he feel the same way? He left you so new into a relationship...
You need to know what it is YOU want!!! Did you promise in your wedding vows for better or worse if he takes drugs? Ok so it is a light drug but it is still a drug!
Selfish, selfish, selfish man, you have to do what you think is right, but if he is messing you around already and you feel as you did in your last marriage, hun when will he do it again!!
I do hope this gets resolved, but if he can walk over you now and get his own way, he always will...
Hugs
Cherie xx | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:43:45 PM | | My only advice is don't DARE get pregnant with his child, especially if your morals forbid abortion to you. Don't irresponsibly multiply the problems that you're already having and trying to work out for yourself. | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:50:37 PM | pot smoking is a moral issue? why? Because the government says so?
The same government used to tell you that woman shouldn't vote.
The same government used to tell you that the black should be slave.
The same government used to tell you that selling beer illegal.
The same government used to tell you homosexual illegal.
The list is on and on.
Why do you think pot is a moral issue, because you're too stupid to think for yourself? | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 1:50:59 PM | Your husband wants to smoke weed, more than he wants to be with you.
Why do you want to be with him?
Look - let him smoke the weed and get a divorce.
The two of you? Don't agree about what life is about with each other.
I'm not going to argue one side or the other because I can.
I'm going to say - you have no right to prevent him from smoking.
You have no right to say ro do anything to stop him from smoking. It's his life, his business and none of yours.
You have no right to control what a grown adult man does with his life.
So - you can't control him.
You can't change him.
You can't cause all of us to argue and discuss your husband's right to make his own choices either.
Either love your husband regardless of what he does, or leave him.
You're a bit over dramatic in my opinion. But if that's who you are and how you are it's probably why he's wanting to smoke weed. | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:04:48 PM | | I agree. He's manipulating you. My ex-husband always pulled that 'you should love me unconditionally' thing on me. It was just a sociopathic game to get his way. A wife does not have to love him 'unconditionally'. That was his mother's job. A marriage has conditions. He's supposed to love and honor you and you him. Not honoring one of your ethical conditions is a breach of that vow. | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:18:30 PM | | OP, he's telling you to accept his bad habit or else, which is an ultimatim. Why should you conform to his beliefs? You have your own, honour them. If he wanted to be with you bad enough he'd stop. I'd dump him if it was me. | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:20:36 PM | hummm should you accept his smoking pot and forget your morals?
I think you ve already decided that . Your on here lookin for a LTR. Duh , it depends does he accept you lookin for someone else on a dating site? people ask some dumb questions before they update thier profiles lol. what? they dont think we read the profiles for back ground info before answering accurately? | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:38:05 PM | I'd be way more likely to end the relationship because of the issue of the friend's daughter texting him naked pics of herself, than the fact that he smokes pot. Also, the fact that ultimatums are being issued here does not bode well for the relationship, either. IMO
Mind you, while I don't smoke pot myself, I wouldn't get all up in arms if my partner did as long as he lived up to his responsibilities. Just not a big deal to me, and certainly not a deal-breaker. But everyone's different.
Seriously, it sounds like there are WAY more issues here than just hubby's pot use. BTW, people, pot is not addictive. | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 2:40:49 PM |
OK, I have been with a man for 1 1/2 years (married 7 months) and believe with
Bad News Fairy, here! Not your soul-mate.
But, he did leave about a month ago. Since then we have been talking, though. He even brought his clothes back home this past weekend. But, then this morning he tells me he believes I am not the one for him because I do not approve of him smoking pot. He had quit before I met him, but he expresses now that he wants to take the habit back up.
Like I said, not soul-mate-material.
To me, this pain I feel from losing my marriage over pot feels just as bad to me as when I lost my first marriage because my previous husband cheated on me.
Oh dear OP. You didn't just compare an affair to smoking pot????? Seriously? Sounds like marriage wasn't a very good idea to start with it you equate infidelity with anything a new person does.
Should I stick to my morals and allow this marriage to dissolve? Or should I stick with this man through 'better or worse' as I promised in our wedding vows?
The marriage has already dissolved. I HATE pot and I refuse to spend my time with those who indulge. BUT, to have married him in the first place is a much bigger issue than his pot smoking (at least in my mind.) You have bigger issues to deal with than his being a stoner. Like maybe getting some help with your attachment to your ex's infidelity. JMO  | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 3:05:09 PM | Please enlighten me if I got any of these facts a little messed up:
1 - You meet him about 1 1/2 yrs ago, he is not a pot-smoker.
2 - You get married, about a year later.
3 - A whole six months into the marriage, he gets caught when "the daughter of a friend of his was texting him dirty pictures."
4 - An obvious argument results over the "inappropriate" pictures via text, and he storms out, moving out.
5 - A month later, he is attempting to move back in, but now he also insists you accept his re-acquired taste for smoking pot.
6 - He gives you an ultimatum, telling you that you must not love him unconditionally, or you would accept his pot-smoking.... and the receiving of dirty pictures from a friend's daughter all of a sudden appears to be a non-issue.
BTW - what age is this daughter?
Now.... I have to wonder if he knows what respect for someone's boundaries is? I can tell he is obviously a master manipulator. Why are you not standing up for yourself? ANY man who was receiving dirty pictures from a friend's child..... major ewwwww.... gone in a heartbeat. I have no issues with porn, but that is NOT porn. But I can guarantee you, I would never allow him back into my home again either.
This man appears to be acting like a child.... he gets dirty texts, you have a fight ... he throws a temper tantrum, going "fine, I will leave then".... then he comes back, and the issue is now incredibly "forgotten".... so now, let's see how much farther we can push it.... hmmmm, let's see... I know, I will take up pot smoking again.... and then, of course, as we have already gotten away with the dirty texts, we have to see how much further we can push it..... so, it now becomes "if you love me, you will accept me, pot smoking and all."
Honey, this man does not love you... he is just using your love as a tool to manipulate you. That isn't love hun, this is a co-dependent relationship.... and I am sorry to say this, but as long as you allow it, you are enabling him. Listen to WindRoper.... get thee to an AlAnon meeting. They are some of the best in the business, and they aren't costly. You will thank yourself in the end for it. | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 3:46:02 PM | Hey you didn't have friends when I met you. You know how i feel about you having friends. Now that we're married you want to have friends?! Why are you betraying me?
You should examine yourself and tell us exactly how smoking pot is immoral. It's not any more immoral that being fat and gluttonous and you don't mind being that. Hell, gluttony is listed as a cardinal sin. | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 4:05:53 PM | ok here is my completely inept appraisal:
1) smoking pot is not immoral- does he have some medical reason for smoking? ptsd or anxiety? are there children in your household? that is the only reason you have to gripe i believe. i quit because my children live with me and are both asthmatics. are you in law enforcement?
2) you have no problem with a confused or morally marginalized young lady sending beaver shots to him? wow your priorities are out of whack:
POT=EVIL
BEAVER SHOT= OK
3) this guy seems like a hammerhead- as convoluted as your reasoning skills seem, you generally care for him...smoking pot is more important?
your penance for being stupid is that you have to eat a urinal lozenge and sing "trouble in river city" in assless chaps while riding a unicycle down main street.
good luck and get your sh*t together,
Reverend Roland | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 4:48:40 PM | | Trainwreck. Take it or leave it. Sounds like you will take it because you keep making excuses and he comes and goes. You allow the behavior. Fix it or allow yourself to be toyed with. I don't feel sorry for you because you have the choice to be respected or not. He doesn't sound like much of a prize. | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 6:28:37 PM | | It's up to you what you're willing to tolerate. I would have a very hard time with that because there are over 100 children that would call my a hypocrite if I allowed it in my life. | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 6:58:38 PM | Without sorting out the OPs history on POF, bottom line is he's choosing pot over you and your marriage. I'm guessing if you gave in on the pot, he'd keep pushing your other boundaries (alcohol, other women etc.) until you had a marriage in name only or you left.
Save some time and leave now. | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 7:15:07 PM |
I'm going to say - you have no right to prevent him from smoking.
You have no right to say ro do anything to stop him from smoking. It's his life, his business and none of yours
You know, while I agree with you in principal, Gone Sailing, now that they're married, don't you think she might have a *bit* of a right to object to something that is, in a way, self-destructive behaviour? They are married after all, so one would think that it IS her business now. The OP never mentioned any future plans, children or whatnot, but, I would like to think I could share my opinion or objections to my spouse in no uncertain terms, if he started engaging in a vice, or decided to choose that vice over our marriage, don't you agree?
OP...I'm surprised the fact A) he was receiving risquee shots from a friend's daughter didn't send you running, and B) the fact that he walked out because you called him on that didn't make you shut the door forever to him. Assuming he is around your age, that's just juvenile behaviour right there, IMO, and hardly marriage material anyway. Certainly not behaviour that you "should" be "able" to tolerate regardless, or at least, I wouldn't.
And the line he used about "unconditional love" to you...pft, what, does he think that's a get out of jail free card, to engage in any behaviour he chooses and "if you love him, you should accept it"???
Either way, he's made his choice already, by the sounds of it; the pot comes first in his life, you come second. Personally, I couldn't accept coming second, especially not to a vice. Good luck!  | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 7:26:41 PM | He chose pot over you. He needs help. If he refuses help, dump him!
and she chose to split rather than except....but bottom line... this is the last reason for the split... there is so much more that remains untold! | |
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| Should I Be Able to Accept My Husband Smoking Pot?
Posted: 9/10/2009 7:46:16 PM | I don't see this discussion as being a moral one in the issue of agreeing with pot or not.... I see it as a moral issue as his trying to push her boundaries and seeing what he can or can't get away with.... similar to how a teenager does constantly. BUT... the OP is 38 yrs old... and I would imagine that he is of a similar age. The fact is that he changed who she believed him to be quite drastically very shortly after the marriage. Maybe that is why she feels it is a "moral issue" as she is feeling very betrayed, as if he pulled "the wool over her eyes" until after the marriage.
If I was to marry a man who was a non-drinker, and he took up drinking heavily after we were married 6 months, he would be gettting some help or leaving. ..... same goes for cigarettes or any other substance that I don't agree with. It goes to lifestyle, not legality.
He is an adult male, and yes, he can do whatever he wishes. Yes, she has no right to stop him from smoking pot or receiving risque pics from the friend's daughter. Yes, it is his life and his business how he leads it. BUT it is also her right whether to accept his conduct into her life or not. You need to think of it that way, OP. He can do whatever he wishes, but is that what you wish to have in your life? You can only choose for you, not him. He has already made his choice.... he has chosen the pot over the marriage. Now you can accept that into your life as his partner, or not.... but as another poster said....... you accept this and it will only snowball. It will become more and more - cheating, lying, drinking more of whatever he chooses next. It is your choice to lose yourself in there or not. | |
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