| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/12/2009 6:43:27 PM | Yes, switch to a much cheaper "meet". If you hit it off at the "meet", THEN suggest a date! Even then, I wouldn't go someplace expensive.
Personally, I like to pay for myself. I like to be with someone because I enjoy their company, not because I "owe" them something for paying for my dinner. | |
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/12/2009 8:11:14 PM | A short meeting for a drink or coffee is the only way I like to meet. I prefer meeting for a drink ~ since it's easier for me to meet in the evening. Coffee is ok too ~ but I agree with a previous post about the tiny tables and prefer a coffee shop with booths for those. To me ~ there is nothing worse sitting through a long dinner with the undertone of disappointment because the chemistry isn't there. The way a person moves can either be a big turn on or big turn off ~ I've learned the hard way after a long distance relationship meeting. You can always stretch a date longer than gracefully shorten one.  | |
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/12/2009 8:46:22 PM | OP, yes, yes, and YES!
For that "first meet" it is always good to meet at a coffee house or a Border's/Barnes and Noble, as it is a safe and neutral place to do so.
Or in the area where I live, we have a nice Mall with a Food Court - nothing wrong with meeting there for a light meal or something to drink as well. Me personally, I like to pay for my own.
If it doesn't go well, then you have the option of leaving and going on your merry way.
Just take it slowly, OP. Online dating is new to a lot of people and I will warn you there are a LOT of folks on here masquerading as something they are not. - A good example of this is I have found a LOT of men on here who have single on their profiles, when in truth, they are married.
So take your time, get to know these folks by chatting/email/or talking to them BEFORE meeting up with them. Don't get carried away and don't get into a rush. | |
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/12/2009 9:11:37 PM | Max of one hour, a max of 10-bucks.
Welcome to the Asylum.
Don't get me started on the 300lb hippo with pink rinse thinning hair, flared nostrils and a voice like fingernails on a chalkboard. | |
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/13/2009 7:24:34 AM |
Why go forward with the date if the person misrepresented themselves and you're not attracted?
That is why we are advising him to switch the terms, and arrange first 'meets', instead of 1st dates. A fast coffee to check one another out first. He is new to online dating and seems to have been taken advantage of, because he is being a little too polite. Most new people to online dating do this, I know I did...took awhile til I learned I am not obligated to spend my time/money on people who misrepresented themselves.
Just because he is male, does not mean he has to buy meals for anyone in order to get to know them. If anyone expects free crap for the pleasure of meeting them, walk away. | |
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/13/2009 8:28:18 AM | | I rarely meet anyone , and the ones I meet seem to live at least an hour away- I prefer meeting for a meal or activity of some sort if i am going to drive an hour or more to meet someone. I always offer to pay for my meal or whatever, and have yet to meet a man who does not look like the pic he posted or sent me privately. Maybe others have met a lot of people, so eating a meal would be cost prohibitive, and the odds of people misrepresenting themselves is higher due to number of meets. | |
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/13/2009 8:38:45 AM | cowboy~
I've said this before, and I'll say it again......
I love reading your answers on the forums-always spot on.
Wish you lived closer to Michigan!
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/13/2009 6:16:20 PM |
To all you guys who think women are golddigging for dinner--OY! NEVER ASK A WOMAN OUT, that will solve your problem.
I agree with this. Myself, i dont particularly like food that well, that i would listen to some bozo ramble on for a few hrs., just to get a free meal.
nobody should expect anything beyond honesty and basic courtesy. you seem to be saying a woman DESERVES dinner just for showing up
HELLO. I hate to break this little nugget to you, but i am entitled to any expectation i choose. If a man asks me out, dang skippy i expect him to pay. It would be pretty darn uncourteous to ask someone out and than say," Sorry babe, you are just to ugly for me to buy you din din"
So to all you ladies who are enabling these tightwads let me decode the cheap male language for ya.
1.What he says..." Lets meet for coffee"
What he really means.... I would really like to get laid, so i better check you out. If your not to dang ugly you pass the test. You deserve him spending that 1.65 . If you dont, buy your own dang coffee. Then he goes home and cries if he does spend the money cause hes afraid that $1.65 he just spent, means hes been taken by a golddigger.
2. What he says," Would you like to go to dinner with me"?
What he really means.... Well, you passed the coffee test, uhm, i mean, the you look like i might be wanting to get in your pants at some point test. He will be hesitant to ask you out any place nice cause if he spends more than $4.00 bucks on your combined Happy meals, guess what? he will feel like you are a dang goldigger.
3.What he says, "Would you like to go out someplace really nice for dinner"
Congratulations, you have just won the cheap man jackpot.
What he really means... YOU have passed my tests with flying colours. You deserve to be treated properly, cause i want to sleep with you. Beware though, His maximum is $60.00 dollars tip included, Na, just joking, he will expect you to fork over the tip.
Then he feels so bad about spending the $60.00 dollars on you that he starts feeling like he has really been taken by a goldigger.Therefore, he cant perform when he does get you in the sack.
Next he gets so angry with you and himself that he goes on POF and starts a thread with the title Is Meeting Over A Cup Of Coffee The Answer. | |
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/13/2009 6:18:01 PM | | It works I guess. I've done it...was agreed on a 15 minute meet...turned into 45....actually if a top shelf frozen margarita was involved you get to know a heck of alot more about the person in less time! | |
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/13/2009 6:26:37 PM | I disagree on the short coffee meet. Unless - it's truly that you're both in the same general location at the same time and can only spare a half hour.
My reasoning, simple, a cup of coffee is not enough time for me. Yes enough time if absolutely I can't stand you, no, not nearly enough if there's possibilities. The argument of course often is if there's possibiities make a second date. But when there's several hundred other possibles out there (I live in a densely populated region) you need to be more than a possible for me to see you again. Thus I prefer more time first date.
Downside of course is the occasional uh oh I've been had. To me no biggie, cut the date short.
So the only issue left as I see it is money. That said one can agree on splitting the bill beforehand, which should be fine (as opposed to weird expectations at the end of the date). | |
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/14/2009 5:02:40 AM |
What he says..." Lets meet for coffee"
What he really means.... I would really like to get laid, so i better check you out. If your not to dang ugly you pass the test. You deserve him spending that 1.65 . If you dont, buy your own dang coffee. Then he goes home and cries if he does spend the money cause hes afraid that $1.65 he just spent, means hes been taken by a golddigger.
Or it could possibly mean that he'd rather not spend a lot of money & time over a complete stranger that he doesn't know much about and this is just a meet, not necessarily a date. For the life of me I can't figure out why someone would go out of their way on a first meet for dinner and such, seems like quite a lot for someone you don't know.
Why are you so obsessed on how much money someone spends on you? | |
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/14/2009 6:54:03 AM | I am 68 and new to online dating. The women who appeared only slightly resembled their photos in three of four first-dates. I felt like a fool and taken advantage of free food and drink for what both knew from the start would not lead to a second date. Is insisting on first-meetings at Starbucks the answer?
Always make the "first meet" a coffee - and whether you like the woman/man or not, if you buy the first coffee, make sure she/he buys the second.
That's not being a "cheapskate", it's called good manners under the circumstances. | |
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/14/2009 9:16:22 AM |
What do you bring to the table at 46? Remind us...
Seeing my dancecard is full in the real world and my inbox is constantly full on POF,even though i state i am looking for friends on my profile. I guess you could probably draw the reasonable conclusion i have a little bit more to offer than your typical 46 year old female,who is so desperate for a date that they would more than willingly pay for a date or a meet that some dude asked them out on.
I guess after reading this thread i also have the ability to state my honest opinion and have the majority of posters go completely off the rails and off topic too. Seems alot of them have turned into flamebaiting trolls. And that poster said i was making women look stupid. It appears to me that some of you dont need my help to appear stupid, you are doing a pretty good job of that all on your own.
I dont dislike cheap men i just find them highly amusing. What really made me think the op was a cheapskate was the fact he said these women misrepresented themselves. WELL, HELLO. he is a 68 year old man who was probably hoping for a 68 year old 10. In all likelyhood its probably not gonna happen. I think he needs to adjust his expectations to his reality. Do these women really misrepresent themselves, or does he just have to high expectations? If you have gotten to the point where you feel comfortable enough to ask someone out, the least you can do is pay for the date you asked her out on and not start a whiny man thread saying these women were just looking for free food. | |
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/14/2009 9:57:12 AM | Yes that first meeting MUST be over coffee or a meet somewhere in public that is cheap.
In the first meet, I will NOT spend hardly any money on any woman that I may not like. Once the first meet goes well, I will be more than happy to pay for the first date.
Now with that said, I am finding more and more women not liking for the man to pay for a lot.
I have dated this lady 5 times now and invited her over to my place for dinner Friday night, but she didn't like the fact that I offered to purchase $30 James Taylor tickets.
Dating is the toughest job out there IMO!!!! | |
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/14/2009 10:09:08 AM | Love it Davidpiano0609!
Most of us women aren't on here looking for a cheap meal. My Mom buys me those! I came to read this forum to see what other POF users thought were good ideas for a first meet, not to see acid spit in the face of a guy asking a legitimate question.
I have to say, though, that we probably all try to put a flattering or personality revealing pic of ourselves on here. Maybe a little online chat doesn't hurt to see if you have something in common before you meet, then give the person a break if they aren't your dream right off. A 15 min coffee doesn't seem like long enough to judge a person to me, it sounds like a job interview.
I like the drink in a restaurant bar or walk in the park ideas. Keep those things coming and leave your issues at home! | |
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/14/2009 10:34:20 AM |
reallycleverone wrote:
"If the women is 100 lbs heavier or 10 years older than her photo and that bothers you, then why would you continue with the date in the first place?"
Maybe because he's got manners?
Just because one person has behaved badly (e.g. posting a photo so out of date as to be misleading) doesn't mean the the other needs to be rude in return -- even if, in a legalistic sense, he'd be quite justified in doing so.
In fact, IMHO someone with manners would do exactly what the OP did -- shrug, try to carry on through the evening with as much grace as possible, and then evaluate later and figure out how to improve the odds next time 'round.
But... yeah... OP, absolutely -- first meet, coffee. Learned that one the hard way myself.
AND at least one phone conversation of more than a few minutes before setting up that first meet ANYwhere! (Even if I defaulted to assuming he'd be picking up the tab for us both, there's NO restaurant so thrilling it's worth wasting time and being bored to death, thankyouverymuch.)
Oh yeah -- and the other thing I've heard from male friends -- if she's still being coy about meeting in person after a few (and "a few" equals 3 or 4) phone conversations, we-elll... it may be that she's putting off the moment of truth.
-- Michelle | |
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/14/2009 10:51:27 AM | Definetly keep it simple and inexpensive, coffee rules since if she doesn't turn out ot be what you expect at least you enjoy a great cup of coffee.
Pay for the coffee though be chivalrous.
First establish a bond through email then go for coffee, don't wait until she's there to find out what her favorite color is.
Have fun don't expect too much since you will no doubt be very dissapointed if your expectations are too high. | |
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/14/2009 11:39:35 AM | So to all you ladies who are enabling these tightwads let me decode the cheap male language for ya.
1.What he says..." Lets meet for coffee"
What he really means.... I would really like to get laid, so i better check you out. For some men, sure; for most reasonably intelligent men and women who have been burned one or more times on internet first meets, OBVIOUSLY not; use your common sense radar when meeting someone for the first time. Now if you don't have any common sense radar, invent draconian rules that not many people understand; in other words, dumb things down to a level comfortable for you.
2. What he says," Would you like to go to dinner with me"?
What he really means.... Well, you passed the coffee test, uhm, i mean, the you look like i might be wanting to get in your pants at some point test. The "coffee test" if anything is really for both people (equally for the ladies wanting to get in the men's trousers), not just the invitee; reasonably intelligent people understand this; oh if guys pass the so-called "coffee test" with the ladies, then there's nothing wrong with shared expense dates if both parties agree, otherwise standard etiquette indicates that the inviter bears the responsibility of paying for the meals/entertainment.
3.What he says, "Would you like to go out someplace really nice for dinner"
Congratulations, you have just won the cheap man jackpot. To reasonably intelligent people, being invited out for a nice meal is a good thing, not a bad thing.
Of course, there are guys out there that resemble the 1.2.3. personality type described here. And just as readily apparent, it's easy for a reasonably savvy lady with good BS radar to weed out that type if that type doesn't "float her boat".
Next he gets so angry with you and himself that he goes on POF and starts a thread with the title Is Meeting Over A Cup Of Coffee The Answer. Some folks just go through life with poor reading comprehension skills and continue to misunderstand simple human behaviors.
I disagree on the short coffee meet . . . My reasoning, simple, a cup of coffee is not enough time for me. Generally the short coffee meets can easily be extended if both parties mutually agree to extending the meet into something more resembling a date--again this is something reasonably intelligent people with decent human BS radar understand.
Seeing my dancecard is full in the real world and my inbox is constantly full on POF,even though i state i am looking for friends on my profile. That's great; but this is really typical of most PoF ladies, who generally receive way more inquires than they generate themselves; whatever works for you is great, not suggesting that this PoF member change her behavior, but this behavior isn't really something to recommend to men AND women who look for, appreciate, and value reciprocative behavior from their partner.
What really made me think the op was a cheapskate was the fact he said these women misrepresented themselves. WELL, HELLO. he is a 68 year old man who was probably hoping for a 68 year old 10. That's not what most people interpreted from after reading Msg1. This dude, relatively new to internet dating, experienced several disconcerting first meets where the ladies he chose to correspond with had misrepresented themselves. Again most people feel like the discovery of one misrepresentation would probably lead to other more disconcerting discoveries.
If you have gotten to the point where you feel comfortable enough to ask someone out, the least you can do is pay for the date you asked her out on and not start a whiny man thread saying these women were just looking for free food. The OP is relatively new to internet dating and was seeking out other people's experiences. 90% of the people posting in this thread provided valuable feedback regarding how to avoid meeting deceptive people and wasting their valueable free time. | |
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/14/2009 11:53:20 AM |
Maybe because he's got manners?
I'm sorry, did I say be rude about it? No, I said simply state to the person that there must have been an misunderstanding, explain that they were not the person you were expecting and leave. If I met a guy for drinks and he was 100 lbs heavier than his photo, I would have no problem doing so.
It seems to me if people would be more upfront about what upsets them at the time of the offense, it would be easier for all parties involved. The poor woman the OP had the meal with is probably on POF posting on a thread asking us why he never called her back after they had a nice first meeting. Five bucks says he never was straight with her about his feelings. If you are not interested, be honest about it. Don't waste your time, their time, your money, their money, etc. | |
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/14/2009 12:08:32 PM | dreamcatcher- why do you assume that his expectations were too high? It's pretty well-known that a LOT of people on this site aren't accurately represented by their pics. A woman looking 20 years and 100 pounds heavier than her pictures really has mis-represented herself. I don't think wishing your date to somewhat resemble her pics is having excessive expectations.
While I don't subscribe to your method of dating, you're certainly entitled to do it your way, since it seems to work for you. You do seem to make a lot of assumptions based on some negative experiences you've had, and it really isn't fair to tar the OP with same brush as some of your inadequate dates.
OT, I think meeting coffee or drinks, or a walk in the park is perfect for a first meet. When dating in real life, you already know what the person really looks like and may have a pretty good feel for her personality, so a quick introductory meet is unnecessary. When it comes to online dating, it's the only way to go, IMO. Best of luck to you! | |
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/15/2009 12:34:10 AM | | I really wouldnt recommend Starbucks. Really, they double roast their bean, they have higher acid content than smaller roasters and I really cant stand the trype they play as music. If you see me at a Starbucks, somebody has a gun at my back. | |
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| is meeting over a cup of coffee the answer?
Posted: 9/15/2009 12:56:44 AM |
Seeing my dancecard is full in the real world and my inbox is constantly full on POF,even though i state i am looking for friends on my profile. I guess you could probably draw the reasonable conclusion i have a little bit more to offer than your typical 46 year old female,who is so desperate for a date that they would more than willingly pay for a date or a meet that some dude asked them out on.
Um yea...
The only conclusion that anyone with eyes could draw is that you cleverly attempted (and succeeded) to evade the question posed in its entirety.
Pat yourself on the back for posting much and saying nothing.
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