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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 6:13:53 AM | Well...at age 41 I had my best time of marriage...my youngest child was still a baby...but sex life was wonderful... so I can't even imagine how you can date a lot of people...
where are your criteria to meet the one...right man for you?
At this age I thought I'm the only ONE in millions... | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 6:48:17 AM | Trying to deal with one woman is hard enough, I can't do the multiple dating thing. I give it a week or two then make a decision to focus on one of them. And if she's seeing someone else, well, if she can't figure out fairly quickly that I'm worth all her dating time, then she's not for me.
This is just my point of view, but it seems that someone hellbent on dating multiple people isn't in a mindset for a serious relationship. One of the major problems with internet dating is with so many options, it feels like a kid in the candy store . Some people get caught up in that and they are not for me. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 6:57:11 AM |
...you can talk and keep track of your dates (and their names) all in one teeny device. There's also Blackberries, and my fav - generic PDAs. I've got a Palm t/x . works great.
Tarnished, is there a special Palm program that helps you keep track of all the people? i'd like to load it on my Palm Pilot!!!
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burpie
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Joined: 8/15/2009
Msg: 30 | |
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 7:09:57 AM | I had problems with this too when I started dating again after my divorce. I saw nothing wrong with dating different men, after all, I wasn't having sex with them. My students would see me out and about town or at school functions, often with a different guy every time.... as I also was the advisor for the Drama Club, we'd spend long hours chatting during or after rehearsals, you get pretty close to some of the kids...laughingly one night one of the kids called me "a whore".... dead silence!!!! I laughed to break the ice and everyone got over their shock.....but I agreed, I could see where some might see my dating choices that way...but I explained I was a bit more old fashioned than they might think, casual sex was out of the question for me... I knew they had a more modern outlook on sex and its therapeutic values, but for me, sex only comes into play once the relationship takes the turn towards a true commitment.
We had a big discussion on this topic on my celibacy thread.... you might find it interesting to read.... so no, I see nothing wrong with your outlook. Stick to your guns no matter what anyone thinks.... you are the one who has to like and admire the person looking back at you in the mirror. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 9:37:05 AM | | I have never been in the position of having parallel dates of the type you describe. I have only been on a very few "dates" in my 48 years (if by date you mean a meeting with someone on the understanding that the interest in each other is potentially romantic) so I can't speak from experience. I would not expect to be treated in an exclusive way; I feel (and sites like this seem to embody this to me) that women have a massive range of choice about the men they have relationships with and the men are lucky to find anyone at all who is both interested in them and for whom they have strong feelings. However, although I would not expect to be an exclusive person for the women concerned, I suspect that were I ever to be in a situation where dating extended beyond one (maybe two) meetings I would probably feel that it would be nice to have that exclusivity. But beggars can't be choosers. I haven't "mellowed with my exclusivity" - I have just become a exhausted during the long wait to meet someone. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 10:06:37 AM | .........my goodness contracts are for lawyers. if you expect to project your yes into tomorrow your not living in the energy of the choice but choosing denial of trusting your own choice and kickin your own azz!!! if your projecting exclusive is not in your actions but your words...your LIEING ABOUT BEING AN ADULT WITH ADULT CONNECT...WHICH IS IT???? someone in communication with adult!
hmmmmmmmmmm i like these words but i would inject.....good/intesting or mature....not stick tab A into tab B.......who the he3ll labeled that type of conduct sex....certainly not anyone who tried it!!!!
sex to me is FUN....like ickin candy...when it is done the wrapper and stick go to a place which is not in my direct choice...so the choice of that energy stays in that momment not to be stollen and injected into tomorrows daybreak but yesterdays moon..... i equate sex as the connect in equality...it is back there at the yes i will so play with ya(if your in bed it is in my utopia of moon not daybreak.....tomorrows daybreak is a BRAND NEW DAY....wana be in it great...wana walk don't let the door hit your azz.......heels on cheeks off the edge of bed...
not a chance of guilt cuz i do not choose to second guess my choice by tomorrows energy....is not contract cuz that means you toss away your esteem before you even gained it!!!! kicks door closed....end of the line.
your body your choice just as on the yes it is equal in adult!!!! | |
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rocin
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Joined: 8/30/2009
Msg: 33 | |
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 11:01:27 AM |
I have no problem at all if a guy I'm dating is seeing other women. As long as he's not screwing them. If he's having sex then I'm out of the picture.
Sorry sweetheart, you can't have your cake and eat it too... if you aren't exclusively dating a guy, then what he does and doesn't do is absolutely none of your business. You are just a date..
A guy who is sexually active with someone AND dating others is not my type; I totally pass on that kind of 'cake', too. No fuss, just a 'buh-bye'. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 12:37:31 PM |
No doubt about that. But who's doing the dumping here?
Interesting question.. What kind of response do you think he might expect if he is in an intimate relationship some one else while dating you? 
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 12:44:18 PM | "not having sex at our age"
"not having sex at our age"
"not having sex at our age"
I don't know what planet everyone else lives on but ........
I tried that. I tried to date without having sex ............... good luck with that.
These days it is shoved right in your face ----- from all directions.
It seems to just be part of the date ...... like having some coffee or something. Just part of the date ......... aak | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 1:20:50 PM | there are all kinds of people OP. it doesn't change by age necessarily. i am like you. however, i never dated as much in my younger years. back then, you met your mate and that was it. now, people are more saavy and cautious and need some time to figure out if s/he is the "one". yes, for me, it will be "one".
how long does that take? assuming some sort of initial chemistry, it will build or fade relatively quickly for me. lately, i've dated men who i met in social circles or as friends. so, i knew them a lot better. the one who lasted the longest did not even strike my imagination as a mate, until i got to know him as a friend. then alas, i got to know him more and despite his sincere intentions, clearly he is not ready for what i am ready for, due to an unexpected sudden death of his wife at age 53 almost two years ago. they were only married a short time, but nonetheless, he is not ready.
i am a one man person and weaning myself from a relationship is hard for me to do. over time, i tend to keep the men in my life as friends. but, i think that is because there is no new man in my life, aside from the "dates".
now, there are women, who my male buddies tell me are relatively sexless and just want to date to get a free meal and nite out. for me, those men are friends and i pay my own way. i have an ever widening social circle, so i don't need to behave out of desperation or loneliness.
to me, sex is a very sacred thing. but, like fine dining, some are willing to settle for mcdonald's instead (my friend's husband's line). so, do what you do, be true to yourself. every horny, indiscriminating man or woman will certainly try to hop in the sack. then there are the supposedly nice ones, who turn out to be ax murderer's!
where i live, polyamory is the latest rage. this area was the seat of the old hippie movement and also a university town. way too much booze and drugs. however, the young people are having the same dilemnas and problems dating, as the older people! see, it pays to be a late in life mom and so i get the scoop! most of the people into it, are relatively not that attractive in my opinion and maybe just desperate. but, as was pointed out to me, many of them screw around less amongst each other, than the serial daters! then, there is the constant stream of milfers, swimming upstream like a school of salmon. for me, it gets tiring at times and i just take a time out.
so, just sharpen your female intuition, know that there is very wide range of acceptablity amongst people between cultures and within cultures. a man will know if you are sensual/sexual by your touch and behavior (and vice versa. then there is the issue of the grey matter, a large contributor to making chemistry long term.
in addition, if you get to know him, you will both be talking about your past experiences and what you are looking for and the current approaches that you are each taking. don't settle, don't take advantage and have integrity. communicate and most important, find a man who is able to also communicate. the rest will work itself out. i truly believe that, having survived and learned from so many things in my life!
ps there is the small town issue. it can be embarrassing to trip over one date, while out with another--let alone to be in the same groups! so, that must be handled with care and one of the reasons, i cannot just drop someone unless there is closure and ahimsa (without harm). well, i can only do my half of that! | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 2:17:01 PM | | I totally agree with you A.S. is. If a man cannot wait to have sex then he can go find it somewhere. I want to have time to decide if he is the person I want to spend time with. If he really likes me and wants to have more than a friendship, then he will wait until I am ready. If not, then keep going. My feelings won't be hurt. I don't want an "easy" man either. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 4:22:23 PM | I have no interest in dating more than one man at a time ... for many reasons. Also if I find out that a man I'm dating is seeing other women ... I just break it off and let him go his merry way. That just leaves that much more time for him to see the "other women".
If I'm prepared to dedicate my time to one man ... long enough to find out if he could be the one (you know, just focus on him), then I think that's the least he could do. On the other hand if all he's interested in getting his dipstick wet ... too bad.
I'm with the others when they say ... "If he really likes me and wants to have more than a friendship, then he will wait until I am ready. If not, then keep going. My feelings won't be hurt."
Most certainly at this age ... while I can be a very sexual person, I'm in it for much more than just the physical aspect. If he has no patience to wait, then he's probably not the man for me. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 4:35:37 PM | I think it true that if he really likes you, he will wait until you are ready. However, competition for available men is, as far as I can tell, severe, at least in my neck of the woods. He may really like you, but some other woman can easily come along and win him away with her sexual pleasures while you are making up your mind.
I am sure you will say something along the lines of "He as not for me anyway, who cares..."
But, you know, you do care, and loosing him to another is not necessary or pleasant. If you want something, you have to go after it. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 4:59:05 PM | Well, it appears to me that you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. You won't have sex right away - they move on and call you frigid; you have sex right away - they move on and call you easy.  | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 5:04:06 PM | ^^^which means you have sex when it suits you and no one else. And you have sex because you are sure you want to ... and take responsibility for your decisions..
There have always been double standards towards women's sexual behaviour. We've been dealing with it since we were teens. What's new? | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 5:05:07 PM | They don't call you frigid if they move on, they don't call you at all.
I really doubt that they call you easy either. Men, in general, almost never comment on the sexual aspects of women they have known, at least in my experience. Its very rare that they will even discuss the fact that they had a date with any specific woman, and certainly almost unheard that they would talk about how she is in bed. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 5:08:37 PM | | If I'm dating more than one person I really don't want to have sex clouding the picture. I want to keep things platonic until I find one woman who really connects with me. Never thought I'd be saying this at all. But I'm at the point and time in my life where I don't have time to overcome a lot of dating mistakes. I want to get it right this time and to me keeping things zipped up until "the one" happens along is the best way to do it. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 5:25:36 PM | | I date several people at one time and have done this at periods throughout my life. While I do this, I am not intimate with any of them. But, I will not put my life on hold until I meet the "right" someone. It's fun to date (and,I don't expect the man to pick up every tab). When I meet the "right" man and we develop an emotional and loving bond and collectively want to be exclusive, then it will happen. Until that time, I think it's nice to spent fun times with the opposite gender. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 5:27:49 PM |
They don't call you frigid if they move on, they don't call you at all.
I really doubt that they call you easy either. Men, in general, almost never comment on the sexual aspects of women they have known, at least in my experience. Its very rare that they will even discuss the fact that they had a date with any specific woman, and certainly almost unheard that they would talk about how she is in bed.
It would appear that you and I obviously don't read the same threads. I've read plenty of posts on this site by men who had those opinions on that subject. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 7:03:52 PM |
I really doubt that they call you easy either. Men, in general, almost never comment on the sexual aspects of women they have known, at least in my experience. Its very rare that they will even discuss the fact that they had a date with any specific woman, and certainly almost unheard that they would talk about how she is in bed. My 33-year old nephew just reminded me that there truly are men out there who are classy enough that they do not comment on the sexual aspects of women they have known.
I must admit that I know several men who really do fall into that category, but I think we tend to forget we know them when we come in here and see/read all the brash (tasteless) testimonials of men who are so very open and critical of women.
Personally, I could care less what the men think of me. If they think I'm "frigid" just because I don't "put out" when they think I should ... then it's their loss. I know for certain that I'm not guilty of being labeled "easy". | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 7:18:34 PM | "If he really likes me and wants to have more than a friendship, then he will wait until I am ready. If not, then keep going. My feelings won't be hurt."
It takes me time to find out if it is more than initial chemisty and find out if there is a solid foundation to build upon. I expect it to take him time, too ... which he might not want to take, but that isn't my concern unless we get to the point of my being ready to be intimate and he isn't yet. So, quickly to initmacy isn't for me.
Haven't had the problem of 2 dating options but if I did then I consider dating a discovery time and not a committment time ... for either of us. We are free to go meet other people and learn about them ... which is what dating is.
Not hurt ... but disappointed ... regardless of why a date doesn't grow to the next thing. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 7:53:18 PM | i don't want to spend six months dating the one man to see if we are eventually going to be compatible....
i haven't got all that time to waste goofing around.
geez....
if you can't tell within a couple of dates whether there's something hot going on between you...i think it's called mutual lust....maybe you shouldn't be dating.
you'd be looking for something that's obviously not there....
almost willing every date into a relationship....
all that hard work.
no wonder you get it sooooooooo wrong. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 8:05:40 PM | I think dating without sex = being friends.
Not that people "should" have sex on the first (or other particularly designated) date, but as adults with that particular pursuit (dating), I do assume it's headed in that direction.
People who are dating/having sex with multiple people either haven't committed to one person for whatever reason, or just want to do that. I think for some it's natural to be monogamous and not want to sleep with anyone but one person. for (i think a majority of) others it needs to be an agreement because we want the person around and don't want to hurt them, so we make the decision to give up the others. from the other end, sometimes people need to speak up and say "hey, if you like me, you need to quit seeing other people." maybe the person just wants to be sure you actually care. it's a tough subject to raise because there is always the possibility of rejection (i.e s/he's just not that into you).
if you're dating someone and they're seeing other people without having sex with them (or you are), i'd assume they're friends, unless the intent is to have sex with them, and then i think the above applies.
i'm female, and 42. whatever that means. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 8:46:17 PM | (sigh) Dating and having sex with multiples men.........
Daffie... since you are a "talker"....no need to remember their name or worry that you will call them the wrong name........you'll just have to get into the habit of calling them a nickname......... like......... call them all "puppy"..............*LOL*
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