| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 8:51:14 PM |
I think the difference, when it comes to age, is that we've mellowed with our exclusivity and have room to give some space to the people we date.
I believe that everyone has their own way of doing things, and that’s why it is important that people be upfront about their intentions and dating processes before becoming involved. Personally, I’m just not a multi-dater, nor am I a casual dater. As for exclusivity, I believe there is more than one process in which a couple can be exclusive.
My goal is to find the love o’ my life, not to go out to eat, the movies, or other activities. It is rare to find a great initial connection and rapport that carries over into the non-virtual world. IMO, it doesn’t take long to determine if the potential for “more” exists, and when that happens, I will want us to DATE exclusively, so that we can focus our attentions solely on getting to know one another without other romantic pursuits or distractions. "Dating exclusively" is just that; ONLY dating each other, and NO SEX until we deem that the potential for more TRULY is the “real deal” (i.e., insert “exclusive relationship” at this juncture). However, we will be dating exclusively with ROMANTIC INTENT, and that means we will be nurturing and developing romantic intimacy (e.g., hand holding, hugging, smooching, etc.), in tandem with our budding best friendship; something that will NOT happen if I am just another gal in Woody’s Casual Dating Round-Up. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 8:58:59 PM | Oh Frau, I am so with you. If a man is so rushing, ie tapping his foot (or any semblence of)...which often appears like a dog's leg thump thump thumping...while being scratched while giving me the rush, then I know he's all about immediate gratification and not into getting to know what I nor anyone is about. I'm done and am all about Sparky as we all have more meaningful things in our lives...even if it is cleaning the bathroom bowl.
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 9:06:09 PM | | If its dating people are generally up to something after a while. Most of us have lots of buds of the guy/girl type that are only that - but they are not dating. Having a few afternoon walks, taking in a movie. - all that dating junk leads to the same place as it did when we were 17. Otherwise its just hanging out with friends. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 9:11:27 PM | | Third-to-fifth date protocol for me is a direct communication of our expectations of sex and timing. Does each forsee/want casual sex soon or in the future? What is each person's parameters and time table for exclusiveness? Meaning, I maintain healthy decisions to potentially date multiple women non-exclusively for up to six months without sex, and on a case by case basis. Petting, fondling, and casual intercourse with protection are good for all involved. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 10:07:23 PM | A.S.is - I love your attitude! WAY too many people "our age" think they're too old for sex. Huh?! When I'm no longer interested, it means I'm no longer breathing and there is nothing wrong with that.
I much more comfortable in my own skin and with my own desires than I was when I was in my 20's.
Also, just how many good years do we have left? How many of them do we waste being hyper picky and dissecting everything our prospective partners say and do? Oh no! Are they seeing anyone else?! Do they do the nasty with them?! Horrors!
Get over it already! | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/12/2009 11:31:04 PM | MondoVman :
Third-to-fifth date protocol for me is a direct communication of our expectations of sex and timing. Does each forsee/want casual sex soon or in the future? What is each person's parameters and time table for exclusiveness?
MONDO! great thing you brought up there, 3-5th date conversation about the direction of relationship!  Thank you! I've been stumped about how to handle a situation at that point. Easier said than done!!! Srsly! I can't be the ONLY one who is uncertain about getting into that pickle. I can talk, no problem, but I've learned that sometimes honesty is not the best policy. Disgusting but true.
BACK TO ORIGINAL TOPIC RESPONSES...
I'm NOT talking about going on multiple dates for months just to be taken out and shown a good time. Not at all. I'm talking about being interested in more than one person at the same time. Face it, when we're doing online meets it could happen that there's an overlap when you're getting to know more than one person. So what's the healthy/wise/respectable/kind choice to make then?
EXAMPLE: Guy meets girl at Trader Joe's and asks her out. They go on 2 dates. Just good night kisses. She's sizing him up, he's doing the same. He's been on match.com for months, he's got a couple ladies he wants to meet with, and one he just met with and wants to ask out. Does he go ahead and ask out the one he met? Does he go ahead and meet the online ladies? After all you never know! Or does he drop the online babes and keep dating the one from the store? Or does he keep dating and getting to know the girl he met thru match AND the one he met in person?
Do you eliminates one person right away so there's no "multitasking dating" or do you eliminate any new people after you've had ONE date with someone else? Or if you go on ____ dates you drop all contact with others? And what is that "X" number?
I know there's no rule, it's not a contract. I'm talking about what is healthy and wise. I'm trying to think of the really great reasons why it is bad to accept a date when you've gone on a couple dates with someone else already.
Obviously, as this thread shows, we're all different. And some people make healthy choices. Some make choices that are respectful of others, others not so much. I'm going to go with what seems right to me, but after watching a couple friends go through this, I'm getting my own game plan set in my mind. I don't want to hurt or disrespect ANYONE. Most of all myself. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/13/2009 1:18:43 AM | Everyone go read message 52 again.
That ....... has always worked for me.
That ....... will be the (the way it works) next LTR if there ever is one.
That ...... is the way it has always been for me and ......... my relationships lasted MUCH longer than average.
People should be able to tell if it is a potential REAL 2 way match .......... almost instantly.
Dating ....... smating | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/13/2009 3:48:54 PM | | Right now I am meeting people. So I don't consider that dating. I had to break it down for myself.....meeting is different than dating. Meeting is just being there and getting to know a little bit about them. Dating means I like them and I am attracted to them. That is what dating means to me. I think someone stated earlier that you should know if there is some attraction. But it takes time to get to know someone. So if I am attracted and dating them.....I don't do the multiple partner thing. Heck I tried it once and was so confused that it didn't go well for me...and if I get that far in dating...sexually it is a exclusive relationship. If they are sleeping with others then I can image that we probably won't be sleeping together........ | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/13/2009 7:10:28 PM | What a looney tune! The whole basis of attraction is about personal chemistry and if your just going to play games while your supposed "lucky" man get's unlucky enough to have you...[of course on your conditions] doggy style....make him sit up and beg for an hour and then roll over and play dead...hahaha
I have met your types before and said my goooooodbyes faster then blink an eye. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/13/2009 8:12:58 PM | 1GenerousMan:
I have met your types before and said my goooooodbyes faster then blink an eye.
Bitter much? There is no sort of "game" being talked about here. It is not a game when someone is getting to know a stranger. I really don't know how you got the idea that any of us have said we're game players. It's not a game.
Thank you 1Generous. I appreciate your input about how you would handle this sort of potential situation.
And thanks too for sharing your experiences with my "types" before. It sounds like you had many negative experiences with women who made up their own mind when it comes to dating. You must be hurting immensely. I hope your pain dissipates very soon and that you find peace in a healthy relationship. | |
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rocin
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Joined: 8/30/2009
Msg: 62 | |
| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/13/2009 11:19:56 PM |
The whole basis of attraction is about personal chemistry
There are two people involved so the attraction has to be mutual.
If you need to sit up and beg to get laid, maybe the attraction is only one way? Try to find a partner that is more into you. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/13/2009 11:26:12 PM | "If you need to sit up and beg to get laid, maybe the attraction is only one way? Try to find a partner that is more into you."
ROFL.... good answer!
I remember my youth when chemistry was enough. Luckily I have wised up and matured and realize that chemistry might get my attention and attraction, but it is insufficient for a successful relationship. It is like saying "I have the seasonings" for a great Italian meal ... but not sauce, cheese, pasta, meat ... chemisty is one ingredient in the recipe. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/14/2009 4:05:26 AM |
The whole basis of attraction is about personal chemistry and if your just going to play games
If this is directed at me.....maybe you forgot we are meeting people on the internet. If I am meeting them for a cup of coffee.....I am not considering that dating. I am considering that meeting someone for coffee and getting to know them to see if there can be any attraction. Dating is a whole different thing. But if I am meeting someone I don't consider that dating.
man get's unlucky enough to have you...[of course on your conditions] doggy style....make him sit up and beg for an hour and then roll over and play dead...hahaha
Since you seem be just a bit personal.........I don't like it doggy style.......but I do like being on top of things.....if you know what I mean? And yes by the time I am done with a man.....they do beg for more. So guess that isn't such a bad thing is it?
I have met your types before and said my goooooodbyes faster then blink an eye.
No worries there......we wouldn't have even made it to the coffee stage.....Smiles | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/14/2009 8:52:44 AM | Nothing wrong with anything, dating without sex, or dating with sex, as long as you're both open and up-front about what you're doing, so neither makes false assumptions and gets crushed.
Probably a good idea to NOT have sex until you both say you're exclusive, though, for reasons of physical and spiritual health. So say that to all potential suitors. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/14/2009 1:11:43 PM | Nothing wrong with it at all..... but i think you can date and still have sex, ( i think i read that someplace) lol dating is just that hanging out getting to know all about someone, and in that process sometimes sex is involved.
Doug | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/14/2009 2:46:30 PM | I'm having trouble understanding parts of this concept.
I understand no-sex dating; people are social animals, so it's understandable that even non-sexual people enjoy socializing.
But this part has me scratching my head.
I have no problem at all if a guy I'm dating is seeing other women. As long as he's not screwing them. If he's having sex then I'm out of the picture.
Where does this disapproval of what your platonic, non-sexual friends do come from? You're not in a romantic relationship with them, so it can't be a "cheating" issue. You're not in a sexual relationship with them, so it can't be a health issue. So, why the rancour? Do you stop socializing with your women friends if they have sex? Your gay friends? I really don't get it. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/14/2009 2:49:04 PM |
Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Dating a couple of people and not having sex is quite doable. Dating and having sex with more than one would be much more taxing.
Coming back to the original question. Why one one do it? | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/14/2009 2:55:01 PM |
I really don't get it.
Its simple really. When a man goes out with a woman, he has no right to pay sexual interest to anyone other than that women, regardless of whether she has decided whether or not she is sexually interested in him. If he does have other sexual interests, he is clearly a disgusting slime bucket not the least bit suitable as a relationship prospect.
Its been explained to death from all perspectives in the posts of the ladies on these forums. What is not to get?
Myself, being a man, I feel that a woman has absolutely no business poking into my sex life if she is not sexually involved with me, as I would have no claim on her sex life either. But then again, I am a disgusting slime bucket.....:) | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/14/2009 3:03:12 PM | Just my 2 cents
Let's say I was "dating" 3 women at the same time.
I think the maximum number of times to see each woman would be 3 times before I would 'owe' it socially to bow out of the other relationships I'm not interested in pursuing. Otherwise, you are just playing the feild and realy not serious for commitment. Also, you are disrespecting reasonable expectations....as in leading someone on if you have dated one person 4 times and another 5 times......to me that is creepy and socially reprehensible.
But the 3 date rule for simultaneous dating I think is OK given the fact that it might take you forever to find the right person if you just serially date. There should be some social wiggle room here.
Now If you do this.....you better not be screwing any of them. Another major faux paus if you are seeing multiples.
I'll make one exception: The Coffee or Lunch first meeting date or the safe date (where you are out with a group of people) doesn't count in this 3 date number. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/14/2009 4:04:33 PM | Its simple really. When a man goes out with a woman, he has no right to pay sexual interest to anyone other than that women, regardless of whether she has decided whether or not she is sexually interested in him. If he does have other sexual interests, he is clearly a disgusting slime bucket not the least bit suitable as a relationship prospect...
Myself, being a man, I feel that a woman has absolutely no business poking into my sex life if she is not sexually involved with me, as I would have no claim on her sex life either.
LOL I think a lot of what I hear comes from fear getting the best of people. No matter how rational and virtuous some may think they sound at times, what I oftentimes hear on an intuitive level is this overly strained, calculated, and emotionally unrealistic attempt to strip all the uncertainties and insecurities from such an experience of getting close to another before it has even had time to organically happen.
The thought of someone trying to unveil all the mystery of me before they have intimately dared to risk much of anything of themselves is a positively claustrophobic notion to me on almost every level. Talking about made to feel like a piece-of-meat, I can't think of many things more impersonal than that. It reminds me of what Dostoevsky once said. When asked what was the worst thing another person could do to him, he said it was for a person to look through him, yet not see him.
Yowza. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 9/14/2009 4:47:15 PM |
I understand no-sex dating; people are social animals, so it's understandable that even non-sexual people enjoy socializing.
I really don't get it. Its simple really. When a man goes out with a woman, he has no right to pay sexual interest to anyone other than that women, regardless of whether she has decided whether or not she is sexually interested in him. If he does have other sexual interests, he is clearly a disgusting slime bucket not the least bit suitable as a relationship prospect.
Understand though, I only "date" men I am interested in ... in a possible long-term relationship. When that's the case, then I think I might have an interest in him down the road as a sexual partner but if he's already got a "sexual partner", why would I waste my time with him? He's already taken ... eh?
I have to wonder ... if in fact he is in a physical relationship with another woman, why in the world would he want to "date" me as well? Unless of course he truly is a disgusting slime bucket as described above ... getting his dipstick wet with more than one woman.
Here's a good example: I have a very good friend from high school. We even both had a crush on each other some 40 years ago. He and I play in a band that meets for practice regularly and along with some other high school acquaintances, we go for a drink after practice.
I'd love to date him, but he has a lady friend and he has confided to me that they very occasionally (not often) have sex. In that case, while I'd be very interested in dating him for an eventual long term relationship, I would never do that as long as I know he has his other lady friend and they're having sex.
It can be frustrating for me (because I still have feelings for him) to go out with him and the crowd and not even be able to hold his hand or give him a kiss goodnight ... but I'd never do that to the other woman and I refuse to allow myself any hope that he might want to date me because I don't want the disappointment either.
For me, it's best just to find someone else ... who is not "connected" in any way. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 1:03:17 AM | It is a debatable subject; more or less, far too touchy to be recognized in society as "right" because apparently the majority of people see it as "wrong" or totally taboo.
Speak softly and carry a big stick.
(No pun intended.)
However, if confronted about such a matter, never use the word DATING, unless you have the urge to follow with a long drawn out explanation for people who can't provide common sense as a factor to their lives and the ways of life of an American women in her mid-forties.
People tend to look down upon things like this. Mostly due to their inability to use the common sense i had mentioned earlier, mostly focusing on their OWN love life.
I agree though; nothing wrong with it. However, that's me, not the general American public.
To Original Poster: Not all 19 yeart old people are the same, using myself as an example. Take note that I am turning 20, but I have means to speak for a few others. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:53:05 AM | Kin, This question was addressed in another thread several years ago and while I absolutely agree with YOU....LOL! it appears that the "younger generation" has redefined the term "Dating".
I had posted that contrary to their thinking that the "old fashioned" way WAS, that (at least girls) were NOT allowed to date the same "boy" more than 1 night a week. In the "old days", it was NOT at all uncommon for a parent to say...."No!, didn't you already go out with THAT boy this week....then you can't see him again....date another one". The whole idea was, that everyone just accepted that "nice girls" were NOT having sex....and they wanted to KEEP it that way. One way to do that was....to not let her get to familiar, or comfortable with ONE boy. "Going Steady" was something that had age limits attached to it as well.
Well, (and I googled this at great length) apparently about 15 yrs ago, the youngsters changed the definition of "dating". What WE (over 45) call "dating"; they call "hanging out".
From MY personal observations, I see that (in those under 45), dating almost ALWAYS includes sex. (otherwise, you're just "hanging out") This is a very convenient way of justifying "casual sex". You don't have sex with those you're "hanging out with"; but when you say that you're "dating" them.....then it makes (casual) sex perfectly acceptable. LOL! this "Dating" relationship frequently lasts only for 1 or 2 dates, but in 2009, it would seem that "a rose is NO LONGER, a rose".
You can bet your sweet bippy however (those of us over 50 remember that one) that I'm extremely cautious these days when I describe what I'm doing at lunch with the girls!!!! LOL! I no longer say I have a "lunch date"! | |
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