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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:01:32 AM | For me I prefer to just date one person and get to know them.. However I certainly would not mind if he was dating others as long as it was not an intimate relationship.
The reason for me preferring to date one is that I do not wish to form an attachment to two different men and I think that could possibly happen.
So to avoid confusion just one on a friendship basis.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:21:51 AM | Ya know.. I was going to throw something in about an expectation of "celibacy" in those you meet.
For example
You meet someone on the first of a month. You do your dating rituals ie: frequency, timing, talking.. but DONT yet have sex.
What would you do, let's say by the THIRD week of dating.. at almost 2 dates a week were you to discover the LAST time your "date prospect" had sex with his/her recently ended former lover.. was on the 31st of the prior month.. Or even if your 2nd date was on a friday of that first week.. and he/she had their GOODBYE "session" on the following saturday before he/she turned full focus onto YOU?
What would you do then?
I mean ( and I am laughing at the analogy here) Do you sell your existing car and then do WITHOUT transportation before you go test-driving that new car much less buy a new one?
I'm trying to figure out where NORMAL, healthy and "My sexuality is NOT DEAD YET" people are supposed to draw that proverbial line between LAST month's activities and THIS month's activity
It raises that old question..
What if last month is a true FWB? There is NOTHING committed to that person other than a friendship with the benefit of physical intimacy when NOT involved with an "exclusive-type" dating scenario.
Just askin the THEORETICAL question here folks. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 12:32:15 PM |
Or even if your 2nd date was on a friday of that first week.. and he/she had their GOODBYE "session" on the following saturday before he/she turned full focus onto YOU?
I would be very very concerned ..
What if last month is a true FWB? There is NOTHING committed to that person other than a friendship with the benefit of physical intimacy when NOT involved with an "exclusive-type" dating scenario.
Again cause for concern, and would be thinking I might be considered the same in the future?
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 2:00:28 PM | Ok thecats.. nice to know you'd be concerned..
Now how about answering the REST of the hypotheticals I presented?
What IS the "appropriate" amount of time between persons for dating?
How short a time from his (since you are female) last lover and time-in-bed-with-her would be OK for you to learn.. and learn it on which date.. where it WOULD be ok for your discernment?
Dont just be critical here of someone elses theoretical QUESTIONS..
Make a definitive statement about what IS non-concerning for you. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 2:15:56 PM | I wasn't able to follow the hypothetical as closely as I wanted but I think I get where it was going.
When I met my husband (long, long time ago) I had only broken up with a long-time boyfriend a few months prior to that. While I was very attracted to my husband, I still refrained from having sex with him for at least 2 months (that I recall) mostly because I found out he had still been actively having sex with a FWB (previous girlfriend) pretty much up until we met.
To be honest though, I still was not ready to have sex with him either and so it was easy for me to put it off. I've never been a FWB type so it was really disturbing to me that he was able to just have sex with someone he really didn't care for ... still really don't get that ... probably never will.
I guess I'm still very leery of a man who can just jump from bed to bed like that so I think if I found out I was dating a man who was doing the FWB thing and then decided he wanted to be intimate with me ... I'd probably question whether or not he was just planning for me to be his next FWB. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:05:06 PM | | I would only date one guy at a time and if he was dating others, I would tell him to call me when he wasn't. I think there is more to a relationship than just sex. I felt like it was important for me to give each person my best shot and felt I deserved the same. Sex didn't happen unless I cared for them and then it really wasn't just dating any more. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:41:11 PM | Call me old fashioned or naive,,,
I thought dating was going out to have fun and getting to know them,,,
I thought "going steady" meant going out with only one person,,,
I thought engaged meant you were planning "long term" or permanent,,,
So, what I'm seeing here with some of the replies is that in order for you to "date" someone, it has to be exclusive?
Seems to me to be sort of an insecurity problem,,,
Or is it that some want a handle or grip on the other person at all times even though they're in the "just getting to know someone" stage,,,
I'd think it might scare off some potential suitors,,,
Did I just use the word suitors?
-goes to take his Geritol- | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:52:40 PM | ^^^^I have to agree with everything he says...
Stop being so sensible Michiana. I am starting to feel weird from agreeing with you so much.
As well, everytime I come in to a thread to post, you haven't posted, but with all of my interuptions, by the time I get my messages posted, you have one just above me, saying what I was saying, then I have to just edit and agree LOLOL
I have to work on faster posting skills.
SS | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:00:50 PM |
Stop being so sensible Michiana. I am starting to feel weird from agreeing with you so much.
As well, everytime I come in to a thread to post, you haven't posted, but with all of my interuptions, by the time I get my messages posted, you have one just above me, saying what I was saying, then I have to just edit and agree LOLOL
I will cease and desist from here on out,,,
I fill my spare tire with whipped cream
I have a pet steering column
My favorite color is paper clip
I use steel wool to brush my teeth
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:07:55 PM | "At our age" seems to me different than dating when you are just dating for fun. I was dating to find the "one" not "one of many." To me dating more than one would not give the guy the best shot. Comparisons will happen and confusion as to when, where, how, now or then or next date etc. Nope, date calendar to find the one would contain only one man's name at a time and it sure worked for me.
Some people on here don't date at all yet criticize how others date or dated. Some people will only email one at a time and get upset when they find out someone they are emailing is emailing others. Everyone does things how they think is best for them. Just don't expect not to be judged by others, it always happens no matter what you do. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:29:35 PM |
Some people will only email one at a time and get upset when they find out someone they are emailing is emailing others.
Sends out a copy and paste mass mailing through P o F
"Dear ____,
I find you to be intriguing and a breath of fresh air. I want to proclaim my undying love for you here and now. Since you have received this e proposal, you must stop all communication with other men. To not do so would be cruel and would smash my dreams of our forever bliss.
Love,
NTM"
P.S. Should this reach you and you're male, please send it to one of your rejects. Thank you.
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:37:20 PM | ntm - here's my female version:
Hey stud,
You don't appear to be anyone I would normally date, however, considering its been a while since I got some luvin - and you appear to be breathing - I'll be waiting for your email...
ps. Exclusivity is not required - just your attention when it matters.....
pps. Ok so maybe I won't mass mail it out .. yet ... however I do suggest that we not worry so much about whose dating who .... if you can't figure it out on your own at our age ... well 'nuff said.... | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:02:20 PM | | ^^^^^seriously, read are you the backup plan thread, I think that is what it is/was called...yeah, not positive it is still here. The guy thought he had a relationship with a woman and she said she was going to meet some other guy and the one writing the thread never met her but seemed upset about being the back up. I know there was at least one woman on that thread that stated she only emailed one guy at a time. I have read it on other threads. I know there was a thread just last week, but don't believe I posted on it, so really can't remember the name of it, where a man said he will only email one woman at a time. If it works for them great. For me dating more than one "at our age" wouldn't work let alone having sex. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:26:34 PM | aaamm
For me dating more than one "at our age" wouldn't work let alone having sex.
I agree with the having sex part,,,
What I was referring to was dating in it's simple form,,,
Why does it have to change from what it was when we were younger?
At this point in time, I am not dating, period. I will be moving closer to my job within a week so that means I will be NewToAnotherTown yet again. I will finally be settled. I have had some at work show an interest in me but I want nothing to do with that scenario. So, do I find one, spend months getting to know them or meet a few and spend that same few months getting to know them? If I don't have sex with them or swap spit, where is the harm? I do know one thing it will cause, as it's happened before,,, If I don't "try something", they might think I'm gay or worse,,, an Amish person ,,, lol
I'm looking at it differently than you. I am getting older and would like to possibly accelerate the chances of meeting "the one" by seeing some and sorting through them. As long as I make my intentions clear and they understand, how does "our age" play into it except that I will be dealing with more mature women who understand what I am doing,,,? | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:01:15 PM | "I'm looking at it differently than you. I am getting older and would like to possibly accelerate the chances of meeting "the one" by seeing some and sorting through them. As long as I make my intentions clear and they understand, how does "our age" play into it except that I will be dealing with more mature women who understand what I am doing,,,?"
This is what we did in our younger years... It was called "playing the field". When we found the "right" one at the time, we went steady, got engaged and maybe even shacked up or got married. Why should it be any different, now that we are older? For me, dating never meant having a sexual relationship. That came with exclusivity, somewhere down the line.
I like apple pie; I like cherry pie; I like pumpkin pie; etc. If I only tried apple pie would I know what I was missing by declaring it my "favourite" and never trying something else? | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:11:22 PM | an Amish person Ummm you do know about bundling right?
Under 25, didn't care about meeting someone special, dated many guys. At 46, did want to meet someone special. Under 25, couldn't remember the guy's names or voices well enough when they called, had to ask to make sure who I was talking to. At 46, dated one guy at a time, didn't have any problem knowing who I was talking to or what we did together etc. Under 25, compared notes on what we did on a date, how they treated me, how they acted etc. At 46, only cared about the guy I was going out with how he treated me and acted. At a mature age, I feel like it is/was more important to get to know one person and see how things went. Going out with more than one, I would do comparisons and not give my undivided attention into getting to know them. I had less interest in getting to know many. Getting to know one, I cared about getting to know them.
That said, I sometimes dated 2 guys in a month because I didn't want to go any farther or he didn't want to go farther. I don't feel like or ever felt like I missed out on dating anyone because I had my priorities on the one guy I agreed to go out with. I did not stop emailing anyone. I still email men and women.
But that is me and who I am now. At one time it was about going out with guys and having fun, and "at this age" it is more about going out to find someone to share everything with and having fun. I met someone that felt the same way. I know that I am blessed and lucky etc. I know that not all men or women have that same mind set, but it worked for us. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:13:04 PM |
So, what I'm seeing here with some of the replies is that in order for you to "date" someone, it has to be exclusive?
Seems to me to be sort of an insecurity problem,,,
Why do you infer that there is something “wrong” with those who do not adhere to your preferred dating methods? I am looking for a relationship, not “dating”. I can go out to eat, to the movies, or other activities with friends, coworkers, family... you get the idea. If I meet a suitor and we feel there is potential (i.e., there is mutual attraction, a great connection, we’re on the same relationship page, etc.), then I will want to date exclusively to see if this connection can develop into a relationship. We will not want to continue a casual dating experience, because we want to see if we’re a match (that’s why we’re here). If we don’t “click”, then that’s it. We wish each other well in our respective searches and move on. No batters-on-deck, no dating rotations.
Or is it that some want a handle or grip on the other person at all times even though they're in the "just getting to know someone" stage,,,
I'd think it might scare off some potential suitors,,,
I don’t see how two relationship-minded people can seriously get to know one another and build romantic intimacy if they’re dating a cadre of other people. If a suitor is scared off at the prospect of devoting a little time solely to us without the romantic distraction and infiltration of other prospects, then we’re not a match.
As I said before, we all have our preferred way of doing things, and different strokes does not mean dysfunctional folks. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:14:17 PM |  Ummm...Hello my name is ____ and I have a confession.
I suck at dating.....
In the past everytime I went out on a date with a man - I ended up in a long-term relationship with him!
One night (in between relationships) I went out with the girls with the soul purpose of picking up the first attractive guy I could find, just so I could experience my first "one night stand" ...however.... even that one night stand turned into 8 years!
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/2/2009 3:40:24 AM | i've been dating. i don't know who is sleeping with whom, nor do i care. when it comes time to narrow it down to "the one", by then a full range of discussions will have taken place. monogamy by itself, is no longer sufficient for me. i want someone who, at least, shares my vision of a future. no assurances until we venture forth, but at least i can rule out the ones who say "never". i wasted three years with a monogamous but fruitless SO. he reminds me of the more negative forum dweller, but in real life instead! i can only do what "i" do, which is not do (aka "screw around!)". however, i'm a pretty good kisser. so that will hold him, until we figure it all out! 
ps typically, i can get a feel for whether someone has "possibilities" by the third date-- plus, lots of talking et al on the phone. sometimes, the first date is not so hot on the chemistry from my perspective, but over time, that reverses itself for me. knowing that, i take my time. how fast it goes to narrowing it down to "one", depends on the persons involved--not to mention "luck". if a date goes away for a weekend or gets busy, unless we are a couple, i keep moving. i don't have time for serial failures. been there, done that! this time round , i'm "serious" and seriously looking. but, not interested in forcing someone either. if it happens, then it happens. until then, i'm dating. | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/2/2009 3:59:42 AM |
What IS the "appropriate" amount of time between persons for dating?
A whole lot of factors play in here such as the length and depth of the previous relationship.
If it was a long relationship meaning 10 plus years it might well be a few years.. If short relationship one or two years it could as short as 6 months or even less.
I would be wary of someone that just recently got out of a relationship.. We all know about the rebound effect and the consequences of it.
How short a time from his (since you are female) last lover and time-in-bed-with-her would be OK for you to learn.. and learn it on which date.. where it WOULD be ok for your discernment?
I think that discussion might come into play once I was starting to form an attachment to him. It is hard to say what number of dates because that would depend on the progression of feelings that were developing.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/2/2009 4:02:03 AM |
Meeting people and dating someone should be different
Absolutely and most people you meet you might not even choose to date or date only once or twice. To be very upfront have not dated a single man on here more than that.
thecatsmeoww | |
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| Dating a couple people but not having sex at our age
Posted: 11/2/2009 4:07:35 AM |
In the past everytime I went out on a date with a man - I ended up in a long-term relationship with him!
Amazing to hear. I have not dated a man more than twice in that past 3 1/2 years. Not exactly true since the first 3 years I choose not to date at all. So really it has only been since June of this year that I just started to date again.
thecatsmeoww | |
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