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| disclosing cronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/12/2009 11:41:05 AM | Like one poster said an obviously personal matter (ie. it seems to cause you some emotional distress) is information for good friends. One should hope a dating situation could turn into this and more but clearly it is not often the case. Taking my cue from POF for example, American dating culture for women is apparently a non-commital team sport until she finally decides to mouth the words, "Okay we've been dating for ages and I've decided to be exclusive." (lucky you, right)
So whilst some women would demand disclosure of intimate personal issues such as medical details early in dating, dating itself probably for these same women is no greater commitment than casual sex or a passing smile unless they specifically say they'll now be exclusive some time into dating, which makes dating kinda like crossing your fingers when you make a promise. I mean are you going to tell hookers too?
But yes it would appear reasonable to disclose something like this to a woman who has discussed exclusive dating with you, as this is the first inklings of a genuine relationship potential.
So rule of thumb, if she says "exclusive dating" she's the type who'll freak out if you don't tell her straight away and probably the type who'll break up with you anyway, since this already infers she's going for the best deal she can get and you just lowered your value on the market.
But if she's something other than contemptuous and has no idea wtf is this non-exclusive/exclusive dating thing, she just thought dating was dating (I know, naiive right), then she's probably going to be cool with it all anyway. So you can tell her.
That's right, the moral of the story is it all depends on whether you date chicks who ride broomsticks and talk to mirrors. | |
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| disclosing cronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/12/2009 3:02:00 PM | I wouldn't put it on profile.
However, I can't imagine it wouldn't come up naturally in conversation during the first few dates. It would seem natural, to me, to talk about the things that directly influence and effect your life as you are getting to know someone. This is what the beginning of any friendship is. That doesn't mean you unload every minute detail on the first date, but in the process of dating it should come up. Haha, I have yet to have a date with a man 40+ who didn't disclose every single one of his ailments on the first date. Bleh.
What was your communication like prior to the two days of radio silence? It could well be that she was angry and hurt by your sudden disappearance which resulted in her being mean and hurtful. Doesn't excuse it but would explain it.
How much did you interact with this woman in the 3 weeks? Did you go out once? Twice? Every other day? I mean, if you had only went out once then it would be easy to see why it hasn't come up yet. If you have went out 3+ times, then it is difficult to understand why it hasn't. If nothing else, when the flare up occurred it would have been the perfect time to address it and to tell her that you wouldn't be available for a few days while dealing with it. That way she would know why you went off the radar and would have time to research and determine if it's something she is comfortable dealing with.
it hurts to know people will judge me by something I cannot control and I hesitate to talk about it right away.
Get used to it and see it as normal then it will no longer hurt. It's something that you aren't comfortable with, otherwise it would just be a normal part of your life that would cause no hesitation to disclose. Some people will be okay with it, some people won't. That's life. The more honest and comfortable with who and what you are the more you will find people who can appreciate you for it. | |
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| disclosing cronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/12/2009 3:56:52 PM | You don't have to put it on your profile if you are uncomfortable doing so. I am sorry she was cruel to you for that was ignorant on her part. She obviously turned out to... not be the woman you were looking for! Everything happens for a reason so just be glad she showed her true colors right away and didn't let you invest blood and sweat into the relationship.
My advise is; tell the next gal you meet up front about your illness....explain that there may be a few days that you will be in too much pain and that you need rest. This will give her the opportunity to stay by your side during the few days and help you through it. The right woman is still out there....she will accept your illness...be able to deal with it and love you for who you are. Don't give up and don't blame all women based on a few bad eggs! | |
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| disclosing chronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/12/2009 3:59:17 PM | I have it on mine. I figure, since other people are so often revealing chronic stupidity, it's only fair they know I have a serious autoimmune disorder. 
Also, I want it to scare off people for whom this is a deal-breaker, or who don't understand it and can't figure out how Google works.
So, it's up to you when to disclose, but that's been working well for me. Everyone I've dated has had no issue with it. | |
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| disclosing chronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/12/2009 4:09:30 PM | I met a guy for dinner a few weeks ago and within the first 5 minutes of meeting him, he asked me what medical problems I'm taking medications for. WTF? That was a first. I told him, "Birth control, but I don't think that's a medical condition". 
Turned out he had quite a long list of health issues and wanted to "get it all out". I didn't see him again but his health issues weren't the reason why.  | |
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| disclosing chronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/12/2009 4:10:12 PM | | I have never been told by a doctor that fibromyalgia is an autoimmune disorder, although it does seem to accompany arthritis and lupus a lot. Helen 0426, I hope your health continues to improve. | |
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| disclosing chronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/12/2009 4:15:07 PM | | ^^ There's a lot of debate about whether or not it's really autoimmune. My chronic fatigue specialist thinks so, and, given that I'm improving slowly but steadily under her care, I'm inclined to think she's right. Thanks for the kind wishes. | |
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| disclosing cronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/12/2009 4:24:25 PM | I wouldn't put it on my profile I think you have enough going for you this is not a death sentence and I would look at it as a challenge actually to see how I could rise above it and get beyond it.
I think sometimes life throws us curve balls to wake us up. This is an obstacle it is not the end of the race.
As far as telling someone yea I would tell someone before you got to involved just for your own peace of mind about wondering if they could deal with it. | |
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| disclosing cronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/12/2009 6:44:22 PM | | You should disclose your situation up front. If the woman doesn't want to take on the responsibility of loving you that's IT. When a woman does want to try, then that is the kind of women that will love you no matter what. | |
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| disclosing cronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/12/2009 8:06:59 PM | Why would you wait three weeks to tell her about a valid medical condition that is NOT life-threatening or contagious? Not being curt about it either, just wondering why the hang up to talk about it.
Be frank and honest next time and if you talkled daily and then suddenly waited two whole days to pick up the phone, well she was probably justified in being upset, but a lady doesn't use language such as you have suggested.
I'm sorry your situation didn't work out as you'd hoped, but just try to communicate more and help your partner understand your condition. All you can do is educate the women you date so as to know what to expect if a "flare up" occurs. Better luck next time! | |
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| disclosing cronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/12/2009 9:05:10 PM | I think the biggest problem here is lack of awarness or understanding . some ppl simply dont understand what it means to be chronicly ill. I myself have a severe case of ulcerative colitis and I have my immunes system shutdown so i do get sick alot and I kinna have a free pass to the emergency room that its just a walk in for me.
sometimes im so sick i cant go out to work or school for weeks and ppl dont get that they think im milkin it kinna thing or just ignoring them when the truth is I might be quarantined with a bad infection in an emergency room for that time and i just dont want ppl to see me in that way. you will lose friends and relationships even jobs because of a chronic illness.
but you'll find ppl who get it . ppl who care enough to research that stuff and try to understand what you have. | |
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| disclosing cronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/12/2009 9:09:55 PM |
Why would you wait three weeks to tell her about a valid medical condition that is NOT life-threatening or contagious?
chronic illnesses usually controlled by powerful expensive drugs. in my case it cost me around 50k a year which i thankfully can afford with my health benifits.but some of the side effects are hair loss and inability to have kids (eventhough im sexually active).I also get monitored on almost weekly bases for 23 types of cancer. it shouldnt kill me but there is always this small percentage that somethin bad could happen.
so in the past 3 years i went out with a few and only 1 girl was ok with what I told her others thought it would be too much to get attached to a person like me | |
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| disclosing cronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/12/2009 9:29:52 PM | OP. After reading all of the responses in this thread there is only conclusion. There is no "right" way.
I am bi-polar and I don't want to lie by omission. That said I don't want to discuss such a "heavy" topic before it's warranted. For me I always have that conversation before we cross the sexual threshold.
Several years ago I was talking to a woman from a dating site for the first time. We were talking about her marriage and she said "well to understand what went wrong i would have to tell you that he was bi-polar". I said uh-oh and of course I told her. We date for about 6 mos anyway. I told her because it was obviously the right thing to do.
For me what matters is that I feel like I did the right and honest thing. If I can respect how I handled myself in the relationship then that is all I can be responsible for. | |
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| disclosing cronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/12/2009 9:42:59 PM |
For me what matters is that I feel like I did the right and honest thing. If I can respect how I handled myself in the relationship then that is all I can be responsible for.
IMO we should ALL mark these words, regardless of what our specific situations are.
The most important thing is to know that we have behaved honorably.
Whatever it takes, to make sure you feel that way? Do it.
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| disclosing cronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/13/2009 5:35:07 AM | | hi just read ur post,i thought that was very cruel of her...she is obvously not the women 4 y...i am a support worker 4 disabled children,an i my self ave a son with special needs,i truly understand wer ur cumin from...hope al goes well in the future 4 u hun,an dont pretend u r some1 that ur not,be urself ...x jules x | |
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| disclosing cronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/13/2009 5:42:13 AM | | personally i did and found that i got hardly any responses after putting i have cancer on my profile but i figured if they cant see through it then i don't want them to message, why waste time talking to them for weeks or months when there not going to react well when you tell them on the first meeting . | |
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| disclosing cronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/13/2009 6:24:49 AM | I dont believe you need to disclose any info on your profile like that, even after three weeks you shouldnt feel obliged to, and if she was rude and/or upset about it, then it was lack of character on her behalf. You do not need to transfer over to a disable dating site, you just need to pick more compassionate women. | |
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| disclosing chronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/13/2009 7:27:17 AM | I don't think it needs to be on your profile, nor does it need to be disclosed until you feel comfortable - definitely before you are intimate.
The thing is, many people can't handle another person having a chronic illness - they just are not strong enough.
People with chronic illness are afraid to tell others because that rejection is different than a rejection based on mismatch or lack of attraction.
Lots of folks here have said that if someone was really interested in you they would be prepared to work around it.
The thing is, near the beginning you don't really know if you are that interested. I mean, how many men, after they come home from a date or even before would research fibromyalgia to see what it is about. Not too many. And frankly they need to. Showing an "interest" or at least some small understanding of the illness is important.
<div class='quote'>or who don't understand it and can't figure out how Google works.
Bingo!
I also think that it depends on the nature of the illness. There are that are more debilitating than others. Each person with an illness is at a different level. Some are fit and good looking, and get lots of attention until the other discovers the person has this illness. I can't write someone off until I know more about the illness. Also, if we are not a match, the illness wouldn't even come into play. I can't say if I met a man with an illness that I was unsure of, but that I really liked that I would run just because of a possible event in the future that could happen.
Those who have never experience chronic pain or illness really have no inkling what it's like and many people for all their prose of saying they are understanding, emphathetic etc., really bow under pressure and just don't want to even discuss the illness. I see nothing wrong with this, but don't pretend to be something you are not. | |
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| disclosing cronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/13/2009 8:53:37 PM | | I suffer from Fibromyalgia too. It is not hereditary at all. Alot of people just don't get it and pain isn't something others can see. They also can't see fatigue. It can be a deal breaker for a lot of people. But so can scars or tatoos or any number of things. I would not put it on my profile but I do tell people fairly early so if it flares up they don't think I'm just avoiding them. I still work fulltime and enjoy a great variety of activities. Keep looking until you find someone who accepts you as you are! | |
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| disclosing cronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/13/2009 9:30:27 PM | I think this site should add a section in each profile's bio area that would say "medical issues" and have common ones listed starting with for example: none, diabetes, epilepsy, high blood pressure/ cholestorol, cancer, prefer not to say, other and please explain...
Bet we'd all bond better. | |
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| disclosing cronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/28/2009 10:56:51 PM | | I have fibromyalgia as well, I don't put it on my profile. I thought about it before but decided not to. I do let people know very early on though, so that they understand if I have a flare up and I'm in a lot of pain. I actually dated someone (not from this site) that didn't understand at all. I told him about it so he knew what he was getting into and he didn't say anything or run away at first but he became very mean when I would have bad days he would yell at me and say "there's always something wrong with you" , I was like yeah I have a chronic condition....do you know what the word chronic means...he was a jerk. I work full time, and I'm very active I try not to let it interfere too much but there are days when I just gotta rest cause I'm in so much pain. I don't need someone to take care of me but the guy could have been a little more understanding about it instead of making rude comments and stuff. I'm sure I will find someone who understands. | |
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| disclosing cronic illness on profile
Posted: 9/29/2009 12:04:02 AM | That's a good question. In my personal case I suffer from Chronic Pain from a botched surgery that I can not prove in court, So I am in mega pain 24/7 yet I am not on disability, I have to take my share of meds to be able to function however. So I rather fear that if I put this on my profile it makes me look like a complainer, after all we all suffer from pain. So I prefer to wait until I get to know a person before I tell them about my chronic problem. After all chronic illness is not contagious, but it is part of my daily life and it impacts my ability to find full time employment because where I live many employers look down at employees that are prescribed pain meds for chronic pain. There is a lot of misinformation about how such meds help people in chronic pain and are NOT abused. So sometimes when I explain my situation another person sometimes gets the idea I am a drug abuser and nothing could be further from the truth. In fact I am drug tested by my doctor as part of the treatment and I don't even drink except maybe on News Year. haha
I think the jury should remain open as to if a person should put their medical problems on their profile. After all, we are here to meet people and by talking about all of our medical issues we sure could scare others away in a hurry. It could easily be misinterpreted. | |
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