| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/18/2009 8:53:52 PM | ^^^Your kid doesnt go to school?
Doesnt ever go to bed?
Doesnt ever go visit their grandparents?
She stays home 24-7 to play the role of Dad's "Significant other"?
I recently became romantic with a nice man that was a platonic friend for ages, and my kids are not losing time from me. | |
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| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/18/2009 9:34:00 PM |
She stays home 24-7 to play the role of Dad's "Significant other"?
I have seen this happen sooooo many times....the children are expected to fulfill some emotional needs of the parents....maybe extra hugs or cuddles. It is a lot of pressure to put on children. It is good to recognize that our children are a priority in our lives, but it is not a good thing to make our entire adult life outside of work about them.
I agree with what one person said about having "friends" and introducing them as such and having no PDA's when the kids are around. I do not see the harm in that especially when one's children are young (pre-teens).
I don't believe in parading a line of bed buddies into a child's life regardless of the age of the child but that is probably because I don't want to model that kind of behaviour for either of my children. I want them to take sex a bit more seriously than "I want to have sex because I'm attracted to you"....I want them to only be intimate with those they care deeply for who care deeply for them.
When we keep children "secret" from our budding relationships, how can we really expect the relationship to evolve with such a big part of it unknown to our partner? They know we are a package deal and they want to know if they can handle that package or not..... | |
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| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:08:44 PM | I have toyed with the same issue. I have been single now for close to three years and have just started dating in the last 8 months. I chose to focus on my kids after the divorce and wanted them to be comfortable with the idea of me dating. They are older and know that I am dating but I have not involved them. They know I date but I also go out with friends so they never know what I am up to. I do not have men over to the house. The last thing I want to do is parade a bunch of men past them. They have had enough difficulty with dealing with the divorce itself. So until "the one" comes along and I think it might be long term or permanent then my personal life and family life stays separate.
I do like the idea that someone mentioned about having a me time, then they do not resent anyone for taking me from them on their time. | |
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| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/19/2009 6:44:31 PM | Perfect, fairydreamer
You just stated what I've been saying all along about HOW to have that "adult life" and still do the right thing for your kid(s)
"They NEVER know what I am up to" and "UNTIL the one comes along and I have DISCERNED(my words) that they have DEMONSTRATED(again my word) that they ARE(my word) long term, then my personal life and family life(meaning meeting my kids) stays SEPARATE
Ya hear that?? SEPARATE. THIS WOMAN GETS IT! | |
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| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/20/2009 4:13:57 PM | | 1kindman4u, now that your children are adults, navigating their own relationships with SOs, how are they doing with that? I ask because I wonder how well children who haven't been exposed to healthy man/women relationships fare when they start dating. I would think that exposure to bad relationships is bad, exposure to healthy relationships would be good but what about no exposure to any man/woman relationship - is that a problem is terms of how they can relate later on to real relationships that involve intimacy between a man and a woman? | |
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| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/20/2009 4:42:50 PM | ItsAll
I appreciate your curiosity.
However, I've already witnessed the lack of reasonableness of so many of the forum members that i'm not about to give them the intimate details of mine or of my children's lives to pick apart any small imperfection and then use that as fodder to try to dismiss ANY of the things I say because of it.
I WILL say this. Ever since I got custody, they'd bring friends home and MY house was the "cool hangout house" I was also nicknamed "Lecture Dad" by some of my daughter's friends.
This label came about because I would actively ASK these kids (a good mix from single parent homes vs intact marriages) about "stuff" in their lives. They found they could talk with me and that I was the ONE adult that would listen to them, but would also give them "action guidance" in advice of what to DO with their lives, both with the problem-in-the-moment they had just told me, but also within the context of a LIFEPLAN of their choosing.
I started becoming the "go-to" adult for them to get help, whether it was a problem in home, school or with other kids. Fact is, I probably went to over 4 dozen of these kids homes WITH them to help break the news of something the kid was dealing with TO their parents, cause they were afraid of the reaction.
My kids noticed all of this, and also noticed how I treated others in the world. They've seen me interact with many women in all sorts of relationships EXCEPT for having a singular "love interest" in the home. In the early days my daughter would ask me if/when I was ever going to get a girlfriend/marry again/have more kids etc. I'd explain to her that "right then" it wasnt a priority for me. The ONE thing I told them was that I did NOT want to have any more kids (from conception) and that also, I really had no desire to extend my parenting years much beyond my daughter's 18th birthday.
When asked why, they got the lecture(ha ha) about how important it was to be totally committed to the needs of any child, even over your own needs/wants, in order to provide that child with the BEST springboard into adulthood and being out on their own. I said that I believed I was doing it right then, and while I loved THEM and all that comes with it, I also wanted to have a fixed "date of completion" to where I could THEN turn to more selfish endeavors.. like my car project, some travel, my writing, my entertainment pursuits and hobbies.
I also said that after having DONE the "committment to my kids" PHASE of my life, I wanted a new phase that was MORE about me, than the responsibility to another DEPENDENT life. I said that it included being able to PUT a S/O first when she wanted to feel special and cherished, and to not expect her to play/be 2nd fiddle to my existing RESPONSIBILITY. My daughter asked once "Why not do both?" and I reminded her of her own experiences with her mother trying to "do both" and how that turned out. SHE then started recounting how ALL of her friends had an element of resentment that their parents had put them less-than-first in the pursuit of new relationships and in fact had expressed envy to my daughter that I hadnt.
I managed to provide my kids with examples of healthy relationships throughout their youthful years as well as a LOT of teaching moments from their observations.
I will say this of a personal nature. My daughter has had her run of "boyfriends" since she was about 16. She has a very strong "zero-tolerance" policy for any of the BS that "supposed" grown women on this forum REGULARLY write about. Hell, SHE could reprimand most of you, woman to woman on a lot of this stuff. I've seen her dump a guy faster than you could dial a cellphone.. One of em for NOT coming to the door to pick her up and meet me IN PERSON. All that I had done was to ask her, Doesnt he respect you enough to meet your brother and me in person? Is he hiding something or wanting to hide YOU from the world? Well they went out, and she was back in 30 min saying she canceled the date when he said in answer to her query "I'm not into meeting a "chicks" family, I dont want them "in my bidness" (yes I spelled it that way) Apparently her response was.. "Any guy that wants to get into MY bidness, has to open up HIS bidness to my dad and brother" then.. "If you cant do that, no point in finishing this date"
Does that answer your query a little?
Oh.. additional edit
My son has had many a girl (as well as older women) sort of throw themselves at him and always shortly after discovering how HE is on a LIFEPLAN vs living a life of REaction to events, but planning and PROacting on that plan.
One time he came home and said.. "Dad, you wont believe it, but you were totally right about something" I said.. Oh? He then tossed me a condom. I said.. Hey thanks, but I have my own, I dont need yours.
He said.. Oh, that isnt mine, it was one that tonight's date gave me for "later" (I presume she was offering him sex later in the date)
So I said: Yeah, so why are you showing it to ME? Didnt you use a condom tonight?
He laughed and said, I never finished the date.. I excused myself to the bathroom and "inspected" it like you told me. Take a look yourself and you'll see why I ended the date and am not going to see her anymore.
I looked closely and saw ALL the pinpricks through the wrapper. Seems this girl wanted to entrap my son and his PLANNED life into providing for HER by getting herself pregnant against his will.
He dates, hangs with a wide circle of "friends" and ALL of them consider HIM the wise sage with a lot more life-knowledge than the rest have rolled into one.
Same with my daughter's friends.
I'm comfortable with their ability to know how to relate within a good loving relationship.. when and if it comes along. | |
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| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/20/2009 7:00:12 PM | | I find the time when my daughter is in bed or on the weekends she is at her fathers. She does NOT meet the men I date. She knows of two people I was in a serious relationship with. One was when she was an infant (so she didn't know him per say , just knew of him) and the other is the man after her father who I was very serious with. None of my other dates have met her and nor will they until the time is right. (not to mention most men need to get used to dating a single mom in the first place, it's not normally somthing they want to rush into. ) But my kid is 9 and she knows I date,, she more then anyone else wants me to find happyness. She is at her dads almost every other weekend so all this finding time stuff isn't that hard for me. | |
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Papay
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Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 34 | |
| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/20/2009 7:44:57 PM | If you can answer this question, then you will have the answer to the question that you posed here in this forum: "My emotional/spiritual/personal happiness is important to me. I would like to share my life with another adult so that I can better achieve this goal. Yes or no?"
Take it from there...
Dwight, MD
The other way to view this is to ask yourself if you have room in your heart (read time, motivation, energy, desire) for another person besides your progeny and/or your pets... university / work / quads / snowmobiles / Red Wings /shopping /camping /PWC/UFC / fishing /phishing /jewelry / GOD / Jesus / AND THIS LIST IS ENDLESS... | |
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| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/21/2009 7:10:45 AM | 1kindman4u, thank you for your response. I can read between the lines quite well and am glad that your children have good heads on their shoulders. Like you I do a lot of talking with my son (15) about people. He has a good sense of who he wants to be friends with and who he doesn't. He doesn't have time for "thugs" or kids who are disrespectful or kids who curse like sailors. He also has no respect for the "pot-heads" as he calls them. He has always picked his friends wisely. I hope that carries through to his selection of a g/f when he feels ready to have one.
I have warned him to never believe any female when she says she is on BC and he doesn't need to use a condom and I've told him to always bring his own. I know that there are some females who will try and trap him and have told him as such. I have also told him that most females wouldn't but telling them apart is difficult at times especially when the heart is involved. It is always easier for someone "impartial" to spot certain behaviours which is why I told him that he should always let Mom meet them and to listen to what his friends have to say (his real friends).
I've heard a lot about male hormones and what brain males tend to think with and I must admit it worries me. I really feel sometimes that when the time comes, I may not be able to help him the way a father could but I am a fortunate single mom in that I have good males that he is close to, close enough to that I know he would turn to them for help/guidance/opinions and I know they would give him good advice (and would tell me anything they feel I should know because I am his Mom).
Raising a child through the teenage years is a frightening thing.....modeling the right behaviour in adult relationships is important. I have a SO now and he is a part of all of our lives. The model I'm showing my son is a healthy one but that was not always the case (sadly). He saw too much when things went south between my daughter's father and I, but it has at least given him a view of both scenarios. He never liked my daughter's father (should have been a clue for me I know).
We talk openly about his feelings with respect to my current SO and my current relationship. He likes my SO very much and he can see the respect he has for me (something my daughter's father never had). He told me the other day that if I wanted to move in with my SO, he would have no problem with it. I laughed and told him that was a way off yet, there was still alot of discovering to do about each other before we would even consider that and reminded him that I did not want to move in with a man I was not married to.
I really believe that our children want us to be happy, if they are well-adjusted that is. | |
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| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/21/2009 8:49:36 AM | | As a single mother of two, when i was engaged, we would take our children with us usually. But there comes a time when mommy and daddy-or father figure- need time away from the stress and racket and not so much family time but need romantic time. Time to be the people that we are away from our kids. I don't know about anyone else, but when i'm away from my kids, i'm not constantly worry about what their getting into or when their going to wake up or feeding times, nap times, etc. I have the time to relax and laugh and watch a movie. Its a simple pleasures that can sometimes do a relationship good. but we couldnt always leave them at home, so usually we took them so we could all bond together as a family. My ex hated it though and complained the whole time. It was annoying. | |
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| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/21/2009 11:42:52 AM | | I personally dont invovle my kids. I have been seeing someone for over a year, only a few times have the kids be invovled. When i have my kids i spend that time with them, then when their at their dads i spend time with my SO. it works for us. I dont plan on bring my kids into ANY relationship until i know that it's going to end up in marriage. | |
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| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/21/2009 12:34:22 PM | "I dont plan on bring my kids into ANY relationship until i know that it's going to end up in marriage."
This is one statement I see again and again in the forums. How could any thinking adult believe a relationship is going to end in marriage with out first seeing how the kids get along with the SO, the SO gets along with the kids, you get along with the SO's kids if they have any and the kids get along with each other!
People also miss use the term relationship as done above "ANY relationship" this would include clubs, schools, sports, church activities (this list could be long) not just dating relationships. Kids can and will bond with lots of people, well unless you lock them in the tool shead. My kids have no more problem saying good by to a swim coach then they do to a women I am dating. Makes me wounder why my kids, can do it and other people think there kids will have issues with it. Some might have religon issues that we don't but that is not what I see being sited as a reason in the forums much. I think the kids and dates being kept apart for some has not a thing to do with how they think the kids will handle it if/when it ends, I think some just don't want their kids to know they date, have sex and some times it does not end in marriage. They live a lie and I think this is damaging to kids. Seeing a parent having good happy dating relationships, not a problem as long as it is a good happy dating relationship. | |
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| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/21/2009 12:42:02 PM | | Freetime I agree with you on this one and have said similar. How can you marry someone not knowing if they will get along with your kids? There is nothing wrong with going somewhere with your SO to somewhere like the beach, park or zoo. Just refrain from the PDA infront of the kids | |
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| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/21/2009 2:27:10 PM | | if the relationship is serious...take the children...if it is not...wait till the children are with the other parents or with family or take turns with friends...babysitters are expensive...but do not rush a relationship...the relationship should be about you and the other person...when it become serious then the children are involved | |
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| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/21/2009 9:21:02 PM | Freetime said:
"How could any thinking adult believe a relationship is going to end in marriage with out first seeing how the kids get along with the SO, the SO gets along with the kids, you get along with the SO's kids if they have any and the kids get along with each other!"
I say: Because they are a THINKING adult. meaning not a FEELING-FIRST infantilism/harlequin/hopeful/non-rational/unaware/selfish/dont-have-a-clue being.
Are you telling me that you can decide on ALL things for a kid about where to go, environments that are safe, what is danger or not, what is GOOD for your kid when it comes to Movies, neighborhoods, surly/dangerous friends, good teachers over bad, playing in the street or on the freeway, driving a car at an age LESS than the state allows..... or any OTHER decision that YOU MAKE FOR them BEFORE they get involved with those things......
But you WOULDNT know if someone you are GETTING to know, dating, conversing with, growing feelings for, considering marrying actually IS the "right one" without them creating and potentially bonding with your children FIRST?
Is this out of balance or what?
Then you say:
"I think some just don't want their kids to know they date, have sex and some times it does not end in marriage. They live a lie and I think this is damaging to kids. Seeing a parent having good happy dating relationships, not a problem as long as it is a good happy dating relationship"
You are right on SOME of those points. MOST of american parents who were raised within the foundational puritan-guilt-about-sex upbringing DONT want their kids to know about sex OR their dating.
However, to say it is damaging or not, we still generally still close the door and are quiet when having sex, even when it is with our spouse(the one we MADE those kids with). Hiding that sexuality still isnt considered damaging to children. SHOWING it to them IS!
I'll agree with PART of your statement about "showing our kids how we have good happy dating relationships" can be a good thing. MY issue is with the terrible emotional ripping apart that happens when the "it was only DATING" part of that encounter ends. ALL nasty/angry/upset-it-didnt-work-out DATING relationships were at one time a "happy dating relationship"
It isnt the beginning I have a problem with, it's that ENDING. Especially when the KID has become integrated with that person BEFORE there was a COMMITTMENT.
Do you see my point NOW? Or does Pollyanna still live?? | |
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| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/22/2009 4:04:41 AM | "Do you see my point NOW? Or does Pollyanna still live?? "
No I don't see your point at all, it makes no sence at all to me. As I said in an earlier post it is up to each parent to decide for them self's, but for some one to think they are ready to get married with out first seeing how the whole family gets along is just dumb; so I think with your last post you have shown Pollyanna might be alive and well in your head any ways. Please see it my way or Pollyanna is still a live.
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| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/22/2009 6:17:17 AM | | I am a single parent and none of my dates have met my daughter. They won't until I know it is serious. Even then I am not sure about him meeting her. By serious it would have to be that we are in love with each other and it is headed to a long term commitment. I have 3 days a week to myself so, I have free time to spend with the man I am dating. It is working out fine for me right now. | |
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| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/22/2009 6:55:53 AM | I think the issue is more in terms of the model you want to give to your children and while there is a lot of research that shows that exposing children to a series of men/women over their lifetime is not healthy for children....the definition of what is healthy is still very subjective and closely tied to one's personal sense of morality.
Puritan values vs free-love (60's style) are the extremes and I would think that most of us in this day and age are most definately somewhere in between those two extremes.
I don't personally expect either of my two children to remain virgins until they are married so I am comfortable with having a sex life (ie sleepover with a serious SO, not someone I was dating and only felt the need for sex). With the exception of 1 relationship, all my adult relationships have ended amicably with no significant drama and I am still on good terms with many of the men I have dated. One such man became by his own choosing a surrogate father to my son when our relationship ended. He is one of my closest friends today.
I have only allowed two men to sleep over at my house with my children here and in my bed with me....my current SO and my daughter's father (only once, after she was born and it felt wrong). My son has met many of my dates over the years and he has learned that not all relationships work out to the "happily ever after" point which is REALISTIC. He was not "involved" in the relationships beyond introductions and the occassional sharing a meal/watching a movie. I have my friends, he has his friends and we don't get into each other's business. He understands that part of a relationship is the getting to know each other phase and sometimes after we get to know each other, we realize we are not a good fit in each other's lives and move on. I didn't partake in PDA's around my son or my daughter until my current SO but that is allowed because he and I are committed to each other and talking marriage at some point in the maybe not too near future. With him, it feels right. | |
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| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/22/2009 9:26:50 AM | freetime
Good luck when your daughters start dating, and you try to enforce rules on them about "proper behavior when dating"
Hope your rules FOR them are no more strict than the ones you set an example with.
You are missing the whole point. But that's ok. You want justification for your OWN needs over the BEST way to handle things around your kids.
You'll find a way to justify it intellectually, ignoring all the potential pitfalls of how it CAN or MIGHT affect your little girls.
At all times, I said that an intelligent and DISCERNING adult SHOULD be able to pretty much get to the 98th percentile of KNOWING if a person would be a good fit into the family dynamic, LONG before having these faux-as a family outings.
If a major determining factor for YOU is to see how good your daughters warm up to a woman, then you dont know HOW to figure out if a woman is GOOD FOR YOU and your family in the first place.
An aware and focused PARENT will KNOW what will work with his kids or not early on in dating. I BELIEVE that a considerate parent will NOT introduce a CASUAL DATING PARTNER into their children's lives until AT LEAST a discussion of commitment has happened, and at best, a decision to commit has been made mutually.
The kids deserve better than an INTERLOPER to be brought in as a social experiment.
But have at it. | |
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| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/22/2009 12:12:03 PM | freetime2bme posted:
<div class="quote">"Do you see my point NOW? Or does Pollyanna still live?? "
No I don't see your point at all, it makes no sence at all to me. As I said in an earlier post it is up to each parent to decide for them self's, but for some one to think they are ready to get married with out first seeing how the whole family gets along is just dumb; so I think with your last post you have shown Pollyanna might be alive and well in your head any ways. Please see it my way or Pollyanna is still a live.
I have to agree. I think that before any commitment like marriage can be thought about, that SO needs to spend time as a family with the other doing some kind of family type outing that includes the kid(s). You can't just bond with a woman or man and not see his/her interaction the kids. The kids need to see and interact with this man or woman that is important in their mom or dad's life. They should not be blind-sided by it as it seems to be implied by 1kindman4u. I don't think it's right to only tell the kid at the moment you decide that you want to marry this woman and she has accepted. The kid(s) need time to get use to this person that will be in their life and that SO needs to know the kids, too.
I'm not saying that parading an endless number of men or women in front of the kids where there is absolutely no intention that you'll be seeing that person next week or next month is right, either. But surely at some point during the dating process a person whom you are serious about needs to meet the kids. That could be 4-6 months down the line. It all depends the people and how serious they are in the relationship. Of course, if it's just a FWB and the likelihood that it (the relationship) will go anywhere is almost nil then refrain from introductions. So in the end, it's important to ask the question early on: Can you see this (us) being more? If there is honesty and the answer is no or is wishy washy at best then you've got your answer that the kids should not be involved in the relationship. | |
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| As a single parent how do you spend time with the significant other?
Posted: 9/22/2009 5:24:30 PM | SSD...
As aware as you are.. do you REALLY think that YOU would find attractive, a woman who you just didnt KNOW from an inner place would be a good fit for your 4?
I mean comeon.. Havent you met and ended something with a woman after 2 or 4 months of dating when her selfishness came out? Arent you glad you DIDNT introduce her to them?
My point is, that a DISCERNING father (like you) who KNOWS deep inside what would fit for their kid.. will just KNOW if the woman is one who would be a nurturer and good with his kids.. however, this is the point that people miss
By NOT rushing to blend and looking for that chemistry, you are going to learn where HER (or his) priorities are about RESPECTING you for putting your kids first.
If they dont pass the test of.. "If you love me like you say you do, you'll understand my desire to NOT put my kids through the attaching to a possible TEMP, until I've decided to make you FULL TIME, and YOU will endure this until I FEEL IT IS RIGHT
If they CANT endure it, then they are already WRONG for YOU.. and certainly wrong for your kids.
And remember.. the failure rate for 2nd marriages is in the 90th percentile. And I'll BET in 80+% of that 90, they MET and became INVOLVED with the kids way too early on.
Are you going to take that chance on ripping their hearts out AGAIN?? | |
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