| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 9:54:37 PM | Empathy during the divorce. Empathy when someone finds out. But he is continuing this. He said he verified with his ex wife that it was true. IE after the divorce he looked them up on the internet. I don't have empathy for anyone that is divorced and doesn't get passed it, feels the need to cause problems to get revenge is what it sounds like. It took me 2 years for my divorce, how long has it been since the OP separated and has been divorced?
My ex husband stalked me. He was living with another woman and yet spied on what I was doing on the internet, he actually had his friends try to befriend me etc. One of the reasons I still insist on a picture for someone to email me.
I didn't check back to my previous post, but am pretty sure I clearly stated prior to my divorce I mailed my ex husband's wife's ex husband, cell phone bills. Hope you followed that. My ex husband was calling his now wife while I was married to him. I only provided her now ex husband with copies of my ex's cell phone bills. After we were divorced, what he did with his life was his business and what I did with mine is my business. How long has it been since they were separated and then divorced. It took me 2 years and from reading the threads, that is a normal amount of time. Two years later he is continuing to follow his ex this is clearly unhealthy and as a very nice poster stated is an indication someone needs help to move on.
EDIT TO BELOW: He bragged in his post about what he found out on the internet. He didn't say he looked up addresses, he clearly indicated he found out more personal information IE SIC what all you can find on the internet about someone. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 9:55:33 PM | why do you people have to be so extreme?
and angry acting?
looking up someone's address and phone number does not constitute cyber stalking.
if that was the case, we would all be stalkers
all this analyzing in depth of personalities and being so nasty about the op's intentions or, more accurately, your perceived intentions is ridiculous
take a deep breath, think positively, give people the benefit of the doubt,
and for all of you guilty of spewing nasties, remember that what goes around comes around
kaylee | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 10:00:34 PM | Yea the way I manipulate my words it can be "over the top" eh.... Not sure it was the  though, perhaps it wasn't enough because if my perception of what others have said is harsh then pass the flipping  I'm thirsty after using up all my 'over the top' words to form 'over the top' sentences for those sitting too low....
Sheesh....
Regardless buddy wasn't stalking.....you weren't stalking OP so put this post behind you cuz you might get drunk...too much going on~  | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 10:04:10 PM | {"If your partner was cheating on you - would you want to know"}
Damn... lets just beat the hell out of this one.....
To answer that question, YES I would want to know. NO, I would not believe hearsay either, thats high school stuff!! I would have to have PROOF!!! | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 10:15:59 PM | I know all about him and his wife also. It's amazing what you can find out about someone on the web with just a phone number. Please reread the OP's post. Once you are divorced after a couple years of being separated, you then go and look up and find out "all about him and his wife also." Yeah, I call that stalking. There was no reason after the divorce for him to continue. If he felt it was necessary to give proof to the man's wife, he should have come forth before. Now it is revenge...
EDIT TO BELOW: What would you call it when someone states that they looked on the web to find out "all about him and his wife"? | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 10:39:18 PM | there is no arguement on ...she has a right to know....
the question should be about ....how she finds out ,and who has the right to tell her.
The truth will come out in the end.....may not be the end you are looking for | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 10:40:11 PM | OK So what I am hearing from the women is it's OK to cheat on your partner?
Or is it, it's not OK to cheat, but it's also not OK to tell on someone who i, s cheating?
Regardless of motive, which you have seemed to get yourself sidetracked on, the guy has nothing to gain by letting the cat out of the box. But if he is absolutely sure that those 2 are cheating, a freaking post card that says "watch your back, I have reason to believe your husband is cheating" is not out of line.
Does the motive really matter? Maybe I'm mmissing something here, but the person who is to gain something here is the woman that is being cheated on.
The easy way out for OP is to walk away. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:04:36 PM |
Please reread the OP's post.
A little gift that I was blessd with in life is that I have enough confidence in my opinions where I do not make it a habit of second guessing myself to the point of re-reading things once I have read them. I read your longated post of your past experience and we all have a story to tell and they are all different.
One important thing among many that I have learned in life is to never allow your past to dictate your future. Sounds to me that is what you are doing by relating your past experience into this man's posting.
Now, so that I do not get labelled a 'poster stalker' as kinky as that sounds, I hope that what I say in this post will not be too 'over the top' but if it is perhaps grap a ladder so that it is read more clearly to prevent me from having to post further in this posting.
It does not matter whether this man sought answers before or after his divorce or the length in his greiving process because this does not make him a 'cyber stalker'. I can see how those words are fun to throw around when typing them on the net in cyber world itself but it is totally not used in the right context. I don't have the time to define cyber stalking, but what this man did was far from it. He sought answers to help with his process, (sought being the operative word) (to seek knowledge makes one, a step closer to wisdom) he did not from what he said continually message or harass these ppl.
He sought answers, perhaps he wanted to know when this began, if it continued, if they now live together or if they met online. Who cares all his business but no different then what I or any other person in need of answers would have done. I mean this was his WIFE not some person he dated for a month or two.
Anyways I cannot change how ppl think but I can throw in the things to make one THINK about what they said.
This man made a simple post about a disheartening situation and gets labelled mean things and from woman to boot.
It's just sickening and that's my opinion and to be honest shameful, seeing as I am a woman myself on the same dating site.... | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:15:54 PM |
One important thing among many that I have learned in life is to never allow your past to dictate your future. If you do not learn from the past you will repeat it. Wisdom is learned, it is not something you are born with.
In the context this man spoke, he spoke that of many things he found out about on the internet. It was not stated to mean, I was trying to clear my head, it was stated more on the tone of "I have something on him now." That is my opinion of the black and white that he writes. He wanted to get justification from this thread to give hearsay to some man's wife that he believes ruined his marriage. It won't help him and may cause this woman undo harm if his statements are not true IE without some form of proof. That is what the OP is about. Should he tell an innocent woman he doesn't know hearsay? | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:43:08 PM | Enough with this revenge is a bad thing. Go ahead and get your revenge because the "all of these are behind me now" is so overrated. Sometimes it does not hurt to see someone get what they truly deserve. There are times that you want to see someone choke, and I believe this is the moment.
Look at it in a different angle. Revenge can be a good tool for you to get some closure or you can ask your doctor if revenge is right for you. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:48:28 PM | Silence is consent. You being silent about it is saying it's okay what is going on. If you have any spine or ethics, you should have no question. The real question is HOW do you tell her. You need to be very thoughtful and your motivation should be to protect her from further damage. I would be very supportive and CALM having her understand the situation without being too emotional and seek options for the next step. Discuss the matter as if you are making a business deal; very thorough, clear headed, strategic, and most of all SHREWD. It is not a matter of revenge. It's a matter of ethics and consequences.
I'm sorry for the situation. Do the right thing. Good luck. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/18/2009 11:58:27 PM |
ask your doctor if revenge is right for you.
Revenge tm - "May cause Dizziness, drowsiness, excitability, loss of motor function, irregular heartbeat, tingling sensations in the chest and sinuses, erectile dysfunction, social phobia, anxiety associated with sexual potency and performance, pathological gambling, restless leg syndrome, feelings of shame over taking an antidepressant, and a sense of hollowness stemming from losing an online auction. You may also experience joint pain, nausea, headache, or shortness of breath, muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, and ringing in the ears. If you feel faint, call your doctor. Do not consume alcohol while taking this pill; likewise, avoid red meat, shellfish, and vegetables. Projectile vomiting is common in thirty per cent of users—sorry, fifty per cent. Do not be concerned if you arouse a few ticks from a Geiger counter. Twenty minutes after taking Revenge tm, you will feel an insatiable craving to take another dose."
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/19/2009 12:19:47 AM | | You are making this out to be all about revenge Chelsie. Take revenge out of the equation. It doesn't matter what the motive is. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/19/2009 1:56:04 AM | There is no point seeking her out to provide horrible news....I would drop the bomb on YOUR ex and confront her. She will spend the next few weeks worrying about you telling and end up doing it herself of getting him to tell her. :)
other then that, karma will take over. They cheated on their partners to be together and they'll cheat again...only a matter of time. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/19/2009 3:20:09 AM | ya know .. this forum is about Opinion .. My opinion is Not going to change on this one. I have (on more than one occasion) told a cheater that I will Not enable his crap AND on 2 occasions I have called their wives. Most cheaters think I'm a B!tch .. I like it that way. I prefer to reserve my 'nice' side for those who deserve it.
OK So what I am hearing from the women is it's OK to cheat on your partner?
Chances RMD - you better reread my posts and those of several other women - not all of us are here to enable cheaters, not all of us would turn a blind eye. "Some" = Not 'all'.
I still think it interesting the number of people who are up in arms and obviously defensive about someone "ratting out" a Cheater...
OT - Yes - tell her. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/19/2009 4:32:41 AM | It's all about perspective and who would be giving the news.
A lot of people are talking about "enabling" and "not ratting out"
Reading this thread I say most folks are divided down the middle on this, which is pretty rare for most POF forum threads.
Each person on both camps are pretty well committed on their postitions.
I'm just going to throw this out.
If my SO was cheating on me, I would like to know, however, I'm not sure I'd like just anyone telling.
My best friend or close relative, yes.
Ex-wife (or this case husband) of the person my SO is cheating with, no.
I would not be comfortable with unknown people making decisions on my life and decided to give me information for their own self-serving needs.
Personally, I would not be comfortable shoe horning my beliefs system on people I don't know. What the ex and her bf get up to in not my business. And having the chance to "sticking it to my ex" should not come under the guise of informing "the poor unsuspecting wife" of the husbands infidelity.
Taking the easy way out? I'm all about making my life easy and not involving myself in other peoples drama. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/19/2009 5:07:54 AM | if you did tell her you would get in the middle of this...
then drama unfolds...
and men hate to be any part of drama I see time and time again on here....
she would get upset divorce her husband which in turn...
he would leave your exwife because of the mess caused because we all know women men leave their mistresses for they are usually the temporary fixtures and what they are used for....
would all this make you happier? Wouldn't you rather just let nature take its course and watch it slowly fall apart and dodge all the drama and blame like a typical guy?
Thing is you never know if she is going to even believe you who might be a stranger over her "wonderful" husband she married. You never know some women are blinded by the bullsh!t and think their loved one would "never do such a thing"
I know if I where married and it where my husband I wouldn't want to be embarrassed finding out everyone knew before me that he was cheating on me. I would be hurt to know but I would like to know! I would feel like an idiot if someone knew all along and I didn't. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/19/2009 5:41:06 AM |
You said you divorced your wife already so why didn't you tell the guy's wife when you were still married and first found out about the affair? You're hurt that your ex wife is still seeing this man after losing you and you want to hurt her back. But once you divorced her, what she does and who she does it with is no longer your business. If you were that concerned about the man's wife, you should have spoken up before. Let it go.
sums it up in a nut shell !!!
going to have agree the most here, sounds like you want a bit of revenge.
you said you got divorced, her bisiness is hers now, not for you to be concerned anylonger. if she wants to be with a cheater, let her. she has to share someone, why should you? shows the kind of guy she's with. most cheaters will continue to cheat. the good ol saying, "what comes around, goes around" and/or "karma" will bite her anyways.
go find another woman and be happy. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/19/2009 5:42:22 AM | I dont think the OP should tell his wife, its not his place, he doesnt know the wife Ever hear The old adage 'don't shoot the messenger' that was not created for its lyrical charm, but instead because all too often it is the messenger who is made to be the villain in the piece.
OP, if you're really concerned about the cheater's wife and you're not doing this as a part of a vengeful quest? you should confront him?
Tell him, that I know what you did, and if you dont tell your wife YOU will tell her, it gives him the choice. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/19/2009 7:56:53 AM |
and men hate to be any part of drama I see time and time again on here
Good point! Very ironically, there are more than the expected number of men posting here who are all in favour of creating as much drama as possible. Retrospectively, I do find this quite surprising considering the number of men's profiles you can read at any time that state - "no drama." Or an even more relevant example is the profile advisory, "if you're not over your ex, don't contact me....." That's just sheer rhetoric right? Ya'll don't really mean that do you, because it's seems that so many cannot provide a drama-free existence, and therefore sure don't have the right to ask women for it.
So there's no shortage of drama.......enough for a Greek Tragedy in fact. You've begun to convince me that divorced men should now become something women should avoid in dating pursuits. Many of you just have too much baggage that you set about to create yourself, because you do not know when or how to walk away from contentious issues.
Suggestions that the OP stay out of other's business has nothing to do with condoning cheating, but it has everything to do with allowing himself to move forward, avoid possible difficult issues for his children, and avoid having an angry man seek revenge or starting doing his own "research" on the internet. The OP did not condone cheating - he took action and divorced his wife. But now, after the divorce, it becomes all about examining motives and considering outcomes for the one person who apparently doesn't know about the affair and now has the most to lose - it's about playing that last card that wasn't dealt during the divorce, purely out of self-interest.
There is everything to be gained by walking away, and much to lose by not knowing that you should have.... | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/19/2009 8:05:42 AM | My first question is are you turning into a woman, maybe she's doing same to your friend. happens many times when both partners are doing the nasty with others.
This is something women do, Not men. Haven't you read the mans bible never come to my back yard and cut my grass, and if one of my male friends would do this to me.
I'm sure many men would Kick the crap out of you. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/19/2009 8:11:12 AM |
Silence is consent. You being silent about it is saying it's okay what is going on. If you have any spine or ethics, you should have no question. The real question is HOW do you tell her. You need to be very thoughtful and your motivation should be to protect her from further damage. I would be very supportive and CALM having her understand the situation without being too emotional and seek options for the next step. Discuss the matter as if you are making a business deal; very thorough, clear headed, strategic, and most of all SHREWD. It is not a matter of revenge. It's a matter of ethics and consequences.
Beautifully stated by jdubincali. It is unfortunate that those who think it is wrong to inorm and empower the woman with knowledge, that she might not know of, is tantamount to "stalking," "butting in," "revenging," and all other sorts of other judgmental concepts.
The woman has a right to know, whether it upsets her or not. "Silence is consent." ... I love it! | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/19/2009 8:16:28 AM |
I dont think the OP should tell his wife, its not his place,
Really Mahogany-Rush? .... Who's place is it to tell a woman that her husband is cheating on her? I"d like to know. Who?
You obviously think everyone should sit back and "hope" she finds out about it, as you said 2 posts ago. You don't think the man who was cheated on should tell her... so who is more qualified?
A woman posted that her boyfriend's boss told her about the affair, (I think it was on the other cheater thread). She was hurt but grateful to know.
Let's see you back up your statement instead of just side stepping it with vacuous rhetoric like so many others do. | |
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