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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 12:17:49 AM |
Huh? How did any of the women enable him to spread his HIV? I was referring to his "cheating".. It should go without saying that him not imforming these women of his HIV status is unconsciousable, obviously. Their lifestyle (the women's and this man's) were high risk.
It was not a red flag. It was a diagnosis of HIV from her doctor The video says the first woman found out he was cheating and she forgave him.. he then cancelled an event with her and she was suspicious and checked his phone messages .. she followed him and sat parked outside his home.
What did they admit? That they knew he had aids? You are nonsensical. You condenscending.. does that make you right? No!They admited that they ignored red flags about his character.. and joined him in his high-risk lifestyle because he had such a persuasive way about him.
It was not a red flag. It was a diagnosis of HIV from her doctor Yes.. which she relayed to the woman's who's phone record she picked up from the creeps cell bill. She had already informed her of his philandering.. she then called the other woman again to relay her diagnosis.
You are merely pouncing on an example by the former poster who correctly gives yet another reason to inform an innocent spouse of her husband’s infidelity. and you are merely pouncing on an example that is in no way similar to what we are talking about in this thread. If you are of the opinion that Op should tell a stranger that she should get HIV tested because his ex wife has aids.. then it would be similar.
your opinion the criminal who knowingly infected many others with HIV is innocent; thank god most are not as morally bankrupt as you for he is currently serving a life sentence for his grievous transgressions. Easy lady ..I'll ask you kindly not to put words in my mouth.. No where and no how have I said that anyone with HiV status should not be penalized for having unconsensual and unprotected sex with people without informing them.Nor have I said (or agreed) that he is innocent. My post simply pointed out the differences between Op's situation and the one that Repairguy linked us to. .. Talk about  Please let some of that hot air out before you hurt yourself. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 6:16:51 AM |
We often hear many say when it comes to child abuse, crashes, robberies and even murder
My dear, there is no comparison, and you know this. So get over yourself. There are clear reasons why these examples are illegal and unconscionable. There is also a good reason why I should explain to you that running with scissors is dangerous, but I'm not obligated to do so.
Everyone agrees and understands that there is a duty to inform someone of the presence of sexually transmitted disease. That is not in question. So the reason for your whole diatribe escapes me. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 7:47:46 AM | Well, ok, OP...if your motivation is not revenge, then what is it? What do you hope to accomplish by telling her? Suppose she confronts him? And that gives him the excuse he has been waiting for to divorce her? Are YOU going to support her, and pay her possible medical bills?
Just take comfort in the fact that if he travels for a living, and he's probably got women all over the place. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 8:37:20 AM |
To my way of looking at things, it all goes back to the OP's motivations, and his timing. Now if he had wanted to inform this guy's wife when he first found out, so as to try and end the affair the guy was having with his wife, then telling her might have made some sense. To do it now, after his divorce and when it really is no longer any of his business who she sees or is involved with, smacks of simple and petty revenge, regardless of how much this woman wronged him and how much she deserves it.
It happened to me, when I found out my wife was cheating on me. I called the guy she was seeing (she wasn't very good at covering her tracks), not the wife, and I flat out warned him (even though I didn't know him), that I knew his name, where he and his wife lived, where he worked (I didn't, other than the name, but in the small town this louse was in that would have been enough info to start), and that he had better not see my wife again. Admittedly, I came on like a heavy, trying to scare the hell out of him. My final words to him were, "You have knowingly involved yourself in my life and my marriage. Pray I don't involve myself in yours." And he never saw or contacted her again. Whether or not his wife ever found out wasn't any of my business, nor should it have been.
This poster in my opinion handled a similar situation promptly and with dignity, maintaining and promoting respect for himself and all those involved. He didn't attempt to close the barn doors years after the horse had escaped.
Had the OP asked the question, should I let tell his wife he cheating because she has contracted AIDS? In view of the additional information the OP has disclosed?
He waits until until after he's safely out of the divorce, and then wants to tell her? Come on...
OP, get on with your life. You had your window of opportunity to do the best thing if that is indeed your real motivation. Now it looks just...well...like revenge. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 8:47:27 AM | lol i see the camp is rather firmly divided on this one!
if the disabled wife were my friend or acquaintance, i would tell her. think about it this way... if you were having lunch with a friend/acquaintance of yours and she had spinach stuck in her teeth, wouldn't you say something just out of common courtesy? now compare an extramarital affair to something like an unfortunate food incident and ask yourself why your friend or acquaintance should be deliberately kept ignorant of something as important and earth-shattering as a heinous betrayal of trust. that's exactly exactly the kind of friend/acquaintance i would want to lose real fast.
on the other hand, if you don't know this woman, it is very risky biz to go inserting yourself into that situation. you are now treading on territory that is none of your business. better to find some concrete evidence and mail it anonymously to the interested parties. and i mean all three of them. heh heh. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 9:04:55 AM | My philosophy is usually just to stay out of it, unless the person in question is being very open about what s/he is doing. What other people do is not my business and I generally don't go nosing around looking for dirt on other people
That's a strawman argument.
Looking for gossip, and disclosing a transgression against another human being are not even remotely similar.
But if you can reconcile turning a blind eye to a transgression like infidelity, then you've got other issues that you must suffer from as well that enable you to be so self centered.
I wonder how you'd feel if you saw someone get behind the wheel of his vehicle while intoxicated, and later find out that he killed someone while driving drunk.
I wonder how you'd be able to reconcile your initial apathy towards the drunk driver.
There is no law that compels us to inform victims of infidelity.~Cheshire cat~
But you won't hesitate for a minute to come onto a forum and tell everybody that you think they're wrong, repeatedly....
You may prefer to wallow behind the defense of "hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil", but you'll hardly convince me that you're doing it for anything but selfish reasons.
It's no small wonder that the spouse is always the last to know..... | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 9:15:24 AM | I say move on, take care of yourself, and let them eventually crash and burn on their own.
Getting involved in other peoples' business usually has a way of backfiring, and will serve nothing more than throwing even more unnecessary BS back at your direction. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 9:35:30 AM |
This poster in my opinion handled a similar situation promptly and with dignity, maintaining and promoting respect for himself and all those involved. He didn't attempt to close the barn doors years after the horse had escaped.
Had the OP asked the question, should I let tell his wife he cheating because she has contracted AIDS? In view of the additional information the OP has disclosed?
He waits until until after he's safely out of the divorce, and then wants to tell her? Come on...
OP, get on with your life. You had your window of opportunity to do the best thing if that is indeed your real motivation. Now it looks just...well...like revenge.
In the context of THIS particular thread, that quote sums it all up nicely.
By being of the opinion that Op has ulterior motives or, has no right to be imposing himself in the wife's life at this time, does not mean that I (we?) condone cheating or that we are "morally corrupt" *rolls eyes* or that someone with HIV status should be living a "LoveShack" lifestyle and infecting unsuspecting women. Please! Get Real. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 9:47:37 AM |
disclosing a transgression against another human being
You must have a very challenging life if that is your motivation. What with all the sins against neighbours, lovers, friends, etc., however do you manage collating and reporting this much anarchy? What gives you the right to intervene in decisions pertaining to others?
you saw someone get behind the wheel of his vehicle while intoxicated, and later find out that he killed someone while driving drunk.
While we’re on the subject of logical fallacies…..hehe slippery slope anyone? Argumentum ad absurdum? Again, to re-iterate for the umpteenth time – drunk driving is a crime punishable by imprisonment and fines and it has very serious repercussions, as it should. Why is it necessary to compare actual punishable offenses to what you think are “crimes of morality?” I’d never hesitate to report a drunk driver, and neither would most other people. It would be quite ridiculous to report an affair to the police though because no actual crime has been committed. People who want to go out of their way to inflict moral punishment on others have got issues.
But you won't hesitate for a minute to come onto a forum and tell everybody that you think they're wrong, repeatedly.
Uh, that’s what people do in forums. You’re free to express your opinion as well, or argue about it if you choose, as it’s inconsequential to me. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 9:55:46 AM | Best answer yet...leave it alone. Am now in a similar situation. I've railed and raged and kicked the trashcan to death.
Nothing "good" can come of this. It won't make you feel better and it doesn't solve anything. It only makes matters worse.
Leave it be and find something else before it tears you apart! | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 10:07:57 AM | disclosing a transgression against another human being You must have a very challenging life if that is your motivation. What with all the sins against neighbours, lovers, friends, etc., however do you manage collating and reporting this much anarchy? What gives you the right to intervene in decisions pertaining to others?
How do I manage? 
It's not that hard actually..
I guess that's what separates me, from you. I don't have any problems doing what I feel is right.
I don't need a consensus of opinion, on what is right.
I decide.
What gives me the right?
I'm the one who gives me the right. Again, I don't need a consensus of opinion, nor permission to do what I think is right.
I don't care who has a problem with that.
you saw someone get behind the wheel of his vehicle while intoxicated, and later find out that he killed someone while driving drunk. While we’re on the subject of logical fallacies…..hehe slippery slope anyone? Argumentum ad absurdum? Again, to re-iterate for the umpteenth time – drunk driving is a crime punishable by imprisonment and fines and it has very serious repercussions, as it should. Why is it necessary to compare actual punishable offenses to what you think are “crimes of morality?” I’d never hesitate to report a drunk driver, and neither would most other people. It would be quite ridiculous to report an affair to the police though because no actual crime has been committed. People who want to go out of their way to inflict moral punishment on others have got issues.
While you might use the law as a distinction between when you should intervene, (when a transgression against another person is being perpetuated in the past, present and future) and when you shouldn't. I don't.
IMO, either you condemn something, or you condone it.
I don't know how you reconcile yourself at night knowing you know of infidelity, and are indifferent to it. It's not like infidelity is merely and inconvenience to the one being cheated on...
You’re free to express your opinion as well, or argue about it if you choose, as it’s inconsequential to me.
It's funny that you mention how things are inconsequential to you....
It's even funnier that you vehemently argue against someone who disagrees with you on anything, if it were truly of no consequence to you... | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 10:17:00 AM |
His wife already knows he's cheating....cut the juvenile thinking and move on. Incorrect; you didn't read the OP's 2nd posting in this thread; he's fairly certain that the cheatee doesn't know what's going on.
This thread has been a very interesting read. It's about 50-50 to tell the cheatee.
I disagree with people who say it's none of the OP's "business". I disagree; he certainly is not directly involved, but he certainly is indirectly involved; his X cheated on him with this other guy, who I'm guessing knew for a FACT that he was involved with someone cheating on her partner.
Normally I'd suggest not to get involved if spite is your primary motivating factor. My sense is that the OP is not feeling spite or vindictiveness if he were to relate this information to the 4th party. So I say since the OP is indirectly involved with the 4th party, he could opt to anonymously provide information to her, and she could use that information however she sees fit. I wouldn't go out of my way to see her, or meet her if they haven't met yet. Just try to get the info to her anonymously--written letter, e-mail, phone or text message, whatever.
It's just as OK to keep this knowledge to oneself. It's a judgment call to be made by the OP--not wrong to tell, not wrong to keep to oneself. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 10:17:45 AM |
IMO, either you condemn something, or you condone it I think that was the Logo over the Spanish Inquisition's Corporate Headquaters.
It's even funnier that you vehemently argue against someone who disagrees with you on anything, if it were truly of no consequence to you... Verity.. you know that, that is what fuels the forums. If it wasn't for expressing opposing opinions.. all we'd have is an Opost and everyone who followed agreeing... the world isn't like that.
By answering, quoting and giving your opinion... you are doing the exact same thing you accuse of... We all know that you certainly enjoy pounding your opinion home.. why is it any different for someone else to do the same thing you do often?? | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 10:22:23 AM |
How do I manage?
It's not that hard actually..
I guess that's what separates me, from you. I don't have any problems doing what I feel is right.
I don't need a consensus of opinion, on what is right.
I decide.
What gives me the right?
I'm the one who gives me the right. Again, I don't need a consensus of opinion, nor permission to do what I think is right.
I don't care who has a problem with that
You sure about that? I'll put you down as undecided...
IMO, either you condemn something, or you condone it.
I would hope that people would look at the all the facts and circumstances presented in any given situation before they rely on their moral thermometer as the sole basis for their decision making processes.
Wouldn't want or feel comfortable knowing you were on my jury. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 10:34:15 AM |
I don't know how you reconcile yourself at night knowing you know of infidelity, and are indifferent to it
hehehe- How do you know what I'm doin' at night or whom I'm doin' it with/to? Or are you going to tell me that your knowledge of the human condition is that far reaching??
Want to know what separates me from you? It's the spittle running down your chin, so wipe it off and realize that infidelity happens, sometimes I actually don't know about it either. I'm not too worried about what my level -headed middle-class neighbours are doing and what rash, possibly irreversible decisions they are making in their lives. I'm also not concerned if they have bizarre, uncontrollable sex-lives. If I see a strange car in front of a neighbour's house, I also don't drop what I am doing to hide behind the curtains and watch and see if I might be witnessing an infidelity in action.
However, I suspect my neighbour's teenage daughter has a hot crush on someone in her school swing choir - should I be losing sleep over that? | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 10:55:44 AM | It's even funnier that you vehemently argue against someone who disagrees with you on anything, if it were truly of no consequence to you... Verity.. you know that, that is what fuels the forums. If it wasn't for expressing opposing opinions.. all we'd have is an Opost and everyone who followed agreeing... the world isn't like that. By answering, quoting and giving your opinion... you are doing the exact same thing you accuse of... We all know that you certainly enjoy pounding your opinion home.. why is it any different for someone else to do the same thing you do often??
Duhh..
It's different for the simple fact that I didn't attempt to proclaim that someone else's argument is inconsequential to me, while arguing with them, and clearly proving otherwise....
IMO, either you condemn something, or you condone it. I would hope that people would look at the all the facts and circumstances presented in any given situation before they rely on their moral thermometer as the sole basis for their decision making processes. Wouldn't want or feel comfortable knowing you were on my jury.
Another strawman....
People are routinely suspected, accused, arrested for things that may or may not in fact be true, and have every opportunity to come out smelling like a rose if they're innocent.
Alerting someone, or warning them of the possibility of it being true is just as valid to me, as reporting an absolute truth. There is rarely smoke without a fire.
If I have two friends that are a couple, I would prevent or stop either one from transgressing against the other if I had information that would enable it.
Seriously, wipe the spittle from your chin -
Seriously, spare me your vitriol..
infidelity happens
And it's very hurtful to people.
I'm not too worried about what my level -headed middle-class neighbours are doing
This discussion isn't about being interested in, or spying on your neighbours' lives.
Stop attempting strawman arguments.
Stay on topic.
This is about what to do with information that you are in possession of, NOT about HOW you acquired it.
I'm also not concerned if they have bizarre, uncontrollable sex-lives.
Another strawman...
Although I suspect my neighbour's teenage daughter has a hot crush on someone in her school swing choir - should I be losing sleep over that?
Another strawman...
You could fill up the whole page with them, y'know.
It's called obfuscating... | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 11:04:38 AM |
People are routinely suspected, accused, arrested for things that may or may not in fact be true....
Gosh man, that must be like a wet dream for you! Yes, I can obfuscate with fewer words and lesser bandwidth……..Teehee……. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 12:39:25 PM | And it's [infidelity] very hurtful to people. Then I must ask why you think that the OP should deliberately try to hurt the wife by telling her.. It's certainly not because he feels morally responsible or that he's concerned about her catching STD's or he would have done it long before now. Evidence shows he wants to willfully try to hurt his ex wife and her lover by telling the lover's wife.. which would definately have him convicted guilty of premeditated hurting the innocent wife.
Duhh..It's different for the simple fact that I didn't attempt to proclaim that someone else's argument is inconsequential to me, while arguing with them, and clearly proving otherwise.... saying "Duhh" seems so beneath your usual debating skills. *shrugs*
The point is you have told CC that she continues to argue her point while you do exactly the same thing.. but you knew that. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 12:42:32 PM |
Another strawman....
Convienient alibi in your own defense for the sake of arguement.
People are routinely suspected, accused, arrested for things that may or may not in fact be true, and have every opportunity to come out smelling like a rose if they're innocent.
You missed my point.
I strongly disagree with this statement.
Many people do not have the opportunity or nor the means to defend themselves. However, that is another strawman and a great topic for discussion...and of course only my opinion.
Alerting someone, or warning them of the possibility of it being true is just as valid to me, as reporting an absolute truth. There is rarely smoke without a fire.
If I have two friends that are a couple, I would prevent or stop either one from transgressing against the other if I had information that would enable it.
You might. We cannot with any degree of certainty know what another would do with information such as we're describing; knowledge of infedility.
How long would you take to report to warn of this possibility? A day, a week, a year? Two?
I can however respect your motives. Not the OP's. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 3:59:17 PM | Honestly, I have read all I can read of this thread. Who ordained you God to make this woman see the light? Leave her alone. She is married to a cheater. Do you really think she doesnt already know? Dont rub her nose in it. That's just mean.
My own sister is married to a man, for 30+ years, and he has always been a womanizer. He'd screw any woman who was willing. We, as her "loving" family, chose to tell her. That was 20 years ago. She chose to not believe. You'd be surprised how many women make the same choice. Your not doing her any favors. Keep your mouth shut. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 5:21:50 PM |
Gosh man, that must be like a wet dream for you! Yes, I can obfuscate with fewer words and lesser bandwidth……..Teehee…….~chesire cat~
So now you are imagining Verity’s wet dreams…… makes sense since you’ve not offered anything logical merely your opinion which you seem to think you can shove down everyone’s throat who disagrees with you. Sarcasm, much like you have displayed here, is indicative of a low mentality.
The fact is that if all persons were to report only what they deem illegal no suspicious activities would ever be reported. Recently an 18 year kidnap victim was rescued because two women thought the behavior of a man and his children unseemly. Not illegal, not that he was breaking the law in front of them……..merely that his behavior seemed odd. According to your logic those women should be condemned for interfering with a kidnapper. After all he was not breaking the law [in their presence].
No one is trying to change your mind; I and others realize that morally bankrupt persons and those who are cowards run the gamut in every aspect of society. They wear the mantra, “Do Not Get Involved”.
I cannot help but think that most of these persons here, whom are adamant about not telling on a cheater, are the type that will always bury their heads in the sand when it comes to their own mate’s transgressions. They are saying, in essence, if it was my spouse I would not want to know. For here we have a man with firsthand knowledge of the adulterous behavior; this is not hearsay or suspicion, yet they believe he should not tell. Unbelievable.
Nor have I said (or agreed) that he is innocent. My post simply pointed out the differences between Op's situation and the one that Repairguy linked us to.
Not quite. Here is your post:
Ths man with the HIV was not enabled by silence. He was enabled by older women than himself who paid for his jewlery and his vacations
In your opinion the victims enabled him…….to do what?
We are discussing his spreading of the AIDS virus and who enabled him to spread this deadly disease.
You said the women enabled him, plain and simple.
There was no pointing out the difference in situations of the persons you now reference. In your previous post you indict the victims. Backpedaling now does not in any manner negate your previous statement. It is cruel and unjust of you to say the victims “enabled” him. IMO.
Now you say:
I was referring to his "cheating"..
You did not mention this previously; but
how does his cheating parallel the women enabling him; unbelievable hypothesis.
These women thought they were in an exclusive relationship with him; theirs was not a high risk life style. Giving gifts has never been diagnosed as contributing to the spread of any disease……..until now; by you.
and you are merely pouncing on an example that is in no way similar to what we are talking about in this thread.
You took this off-topic; you made the correlation btw the OP and the HIV situation. Your statements are so outrageous that I can not help but condemn them.
Please let some of that hot air out before you hurt yourself.
No, I don’t think I will. I rarely listen to misanthropes suggestions.
It is unfortunate that you chose to ignore the only relevant action, the one that led to his criminal convictions. I will repeat it, “He’d known about his HIV status for some years prior to her becoming infected.”
You can huff and puff all you want but blaming the victims[they enabled him] as you clearly did is just plain wrong and cruel. Their lifestyles are not that different from yours or that of most of us. The fact is that there are persons so evil that most cannot conceive of them. These psychotics are not always obvious. My heart goes out to these women who received a death sentence in exchange for their love.
On topic;
You OP, since you are so closely involved in this adulterous situation, need to tell the wife of this cad all that you know about his infidelities. If it were me I would be upset with you for not telling me sooner. But better late than never. You are wrestling with this because it is not easy to reveal the evil behavior of another person. Look at it this way; what if you were still with your cheating wife and you did not suspect she was making a fool of you, wouldn’t you want someone who did know of her behavior to tell you? | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 5:26:56 PM |
Honestly, I have read all I can read of this thread. Who ordained you God to make this woman see the light? Leave her alone. She is married to a cheater. Do you really think she doesnt already know? Dont rub her nose in it. That's just mean.
My own sister is married to a man, for 30+ years, and he has always been a womanizer. He'd screw any woman who was willing. We, as her "loving" family, chose to tell her. That was 20 years ago. She chose to not believe. You'd be surprised how many women make the same choice. Your not doing her any favors. Keep your mouth shut. BINGO, give this woman a free trip to the Greek Islands, all expenses paid BINGO.
It's amazing how many people out there who thinks they are doing the cheated spouse a favour by informing them, every situation is unique, some women will scoff at you and "shoot the messenger" some might heed the warning and do something about, but that's a small percentage.
To the guy who compared telling a cheating spouse to telling about drunk driving, tell me you're not serous with comparison? Good Lord. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/20/2009 5:49:20 PM | umm Tito, I know this arcane process called " reading" is difficult for some, but would it of killed you to spell my profile name right? is that too much to ask for?
Mohagany Tree
For the 1st time I agree with you especially on 'shooting the messenger'. Its the same with work. If you reveal some wrong business practices you risk being fired but personally i would be driven by my morals to rat him out. Whether its wrong or right.-titosmith
shall i call you Toto from now on?? | |
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