| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 6:16:36 AM | | I'm really surprised at the amount of people that think someone should be left in the dark when being cheated on. Just because you bury your head in the sand doesn't mean the problem doesn't exist. Grow up. I'd much rather know the truth and get hurt than the people around me know the truth and I look like a complete fool. It's happened to me in the past and I still resent the people who knew but didn't tell me. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 6:44:26 AM | The problem CW35, is every situation is different, now were only discussing the OP's plight, His wife cheated on him, he found out who the guy is and he is considering telling the guy's wife about her husband's infidelity , keeping in mind he is a STRANGER to this woman.
Tell me what good comes from it? Will she believe him? depends on their relationship
I remember 20 years ago a colleague of mine marriage wasn't almost ruined over a " misunderstanding" he gave his co worker a ride home, she gave him a big hug and a peck on the cheek, one of the wife's friend saw it and immediately reported it to the wife and she was angry probably was ready to call a lawyer to draw up the divorce papers
The funny thing was , all the hubby was doing was listening to her problems and giving her advice and support, and she said thanks for being a like a big brother, they never fooled around , nothing, he truly look at her as a baby sister.
Big difference between having irrefutable proof someone is fooling around or " rumours" is what im saying.
But back to the topic, the OP is considering telling the wife , he's doing it for revenge to get back at the prick for ruining his marriage because he was too stupid to see or ignore the red flags going on in his own marriage. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 7:37:33 AM |
I'm really surprised at the amount of people that think someone should be left in the dark when being cheated on. Just because you bury your head in the sand doesn't mean the problem doesn't exist. Grow up. I'd much rather know the truth and get hurt than the people around me know the truth and I look like a complete fool. It's happened to me in the past and I still resent the people who knew but didn't tell me. > And yet another "dater" who hasn't come to terms with their past BAGGAGE in order to meet someone and actually be happy with their life.
I'd much rather know the truth and get hurt than the people around me know the truth and I look like a complete fool Are you honestly trying to convince us that if people who 'knew' told you that your wife was cheating that you'd feel any less the fool? Hardly!
* After appollo's last outburst any credibility he MAY have had went completely out the window, especially considering his lifestyle. A lifestyle that he agreed to just (apparently) because his wife beat him to it. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:20:53 AM | It's certainly a fine line, there, between "not my business" and "I feel it's my responsibility to give the cheatee all the information so she can make her own decision".
I'm in the latter group, and it has nothing to do with baggage from previous relationships--I've never been cheated upon. And, frankly, don't know but ONE guy who ever cheated (and we all gave him sh*t and made him 'fess up to his finacee, or we would have told her. She married him, anyway--so NOW it's none of my business. She HAS all the info she needs to make an informed decision). I don't really care if the woman never speaks to me again, either. She can pretend all she wants, but it won't chage the facts.
I'm one of those people who can't stand by and see injustice happen. So if I see someone smacking his dog, I'll say something to him. It's not against the law, either, but it IS against my moral code. If I see someone tearing up a tree, I'll say something to him. To me, it doesn't MATTER if it's against the LAW or not, if it's WRONG, I'll bring it to everyone's attention.
You know what? Back in my mom's day, no one ever said anything about spousal abuse, either--even when they knew it was going on. Would you step up and say something now? | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:30:12 AM |
You know what? Back in my mom's day, no one ever said anything about spousal abuse, either--even when they knew it was going on. Would you step up and say something now? Are you saying that the wife doesn't realize that they're being hit??? Everyone knows that a victim of spousal abuse won't leave her husband until she "gets" that she deserves more than what's she getting. It's very similar to an alcoholic.. you can tell them till you're blue in the face and they won't stop drinking till they "get" it.
Telling a good friend when you have undisputable truth that their spouse is cheating is one thing.. telling a complete stranger is quite another..
Your tree analogy is skewed.. If you said you would tell the spouse of the tree cutter that he was doing wrong to the tree.. then it would be the same as Op's scenerio. The dog smacker.. well you are speaking directly to the guilty party.. not the dog smacker's innocent wife. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:32:59 AM |
no one ever said anything about spousal abuse, either--even when they knew it was going on. Would you step up and say something now
The difference between that and adultery is that the victim in spousal abuse knows what is going on, even if they are in denial. In adultery, the victim is either completely unaware, deliberately unaware, or has an agreement with the partner (tacit or not). Abuse also carries the risk of serious injury/death (yeah, I know STDs will come up, but I bet more people die from spousal abuse than STDs). Spousal abuse is also something police can do something about, unlike adultery. Forcing someone to face up to adultery in their relationships seems to me to be bordering on forcing your morality on someone else and perhaps also bordering on cruel.
In either case, abuse or adultery, saying something doesn't mean it's going to be accepted by the victim. Almost everyone says they'd want to know, but if they are told, nearly as many wouldn't believe it or accept it but would 'kill the messenger'. Much better, in my opinion, to be there for them if/when they find out for themselves. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:38:10 AM | | wishes granted: What's your beef? You have no business saying I haven't come to terms with anything. You don't even know me. Judge people much? I was referring to a relationship I had when I was young and I wasn't married. I could care less about that relationship. It's old news. I was merely stating that I think I had a right to know what kind of person I was dating if those around me had information. All they did at the time was contribute to pulling the wool over my eyes. Sounds like you're the one with a chip on your shoulders. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:40:05 AM |
I'm really surprised at the amount of people that think someone should be left in the dark when being cheated on. Just because you bury your head in the sand doesn't mean the problem doesn't exist. Grow up. I'd much rather know the truth and get hurt than the people around me know the truth and I look like a complete fool. It's happened to me in the past and I still resent the people who knew but didn't tell me.
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:53:30 AM |
wishes granted: What's your beef? You have no business saying I haven't come to terms with anything. You don't even know me. Judge people much? You are correct sir.. I do not know you personally. I judge by this thread and your many other posts in other threads.. You're inner self is revealed in many, many of your posts. Misogyny is hard to hide here in the fora.. particularily when it is consistant. Merely my observation.. my apologies if I've struck a nerve and revealed a bit of your sub-conscious state. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:55:16 AM |
You know what? Back in my mom's day, no one ever said anything about spousal abuse, either--even when they knew it was going on. Would you step up and say something now?
^^^I would. That's why I wrote this below...
sweetest: If there is clear jeopardy to any individual, then society has a role and must intervene imo, regardless of the marriage contract. This is not one of those instances.
Further, I would intervene on behalf of most of what you've indicated out of the same earnest sense of doing the right thing; by living by my own moral code. That same code doesn't permit me to feel that I can intrude on someone else's life out of a sense of doing the right thing. She is not in mortal danger....if she were...a different response.
This woman is not known to this man. That said she already has people in her life that are friends to her...that are family to her...and, if they are close to her and close enough to them as a couple; they will likely have seen the fine print of the tracks that her husband has left behind...and may have already taken it upon themselves to advise her accordingly.
I'm personally of the opinion that women in particular...almost always know when something's amiss in their lives...whether that's in their own bodies...with their children...or in their relationship. There's nothing scientific about my point of view, it's merely that.I believe.
I also truly believe that many women don't want to 'know'...meaning that they'd prefer not to have confirmation of some suspicion...because it means actually then having to 'do something' and perhaps they'd rather just not...because it means change...or some drastic upheaval that they're uncomfortable making.
I've also been the shoulder to many. I don't interfere in others personal choices or personal lives unless they've specifically asked me to; or if there is jeopardy that I'm aware of. With friends there is going to be a calculated risk in going forward; and while I may it might be okay if it involves a friend--- it's still a risk because like it or not people create their own reality and what that is and what is truly important to them...may often not be the same as what's important to you. Be part of crushing and bringing that down...and there will be a price to pay....for all you know...the 'whole thing' was working for them.
Btw...I've never cheated on anyone, but I've been cheated on. I still would not appreciate someone interfering in my personal life. jmo. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 9:34:05 AM | | wishes: Weird. I just looked at your profile and your occupation doesn't mention psychiatry. I get a real kick out of the way every man that takes the male side of things or points out double standards is suddenly "a woman hater". It's so much easier to scream "woman hater" than to admit someone else may have a point. For your information I believe in complete equality and have great respect for strong women which obviously you don't or you would have never been ignorant enough to play the "woman hater" card. Obviously you have a feminist viewpoint not one of actual equality. Feminism is a disease and just seeks to flip the roles which solves nothing. Feminism just latches on to the perks of being male while dismissing the bad for selfish reasons. Believe it or not a man can have a viewpoint which opposes a woman's viewpoints get angry sometimes and not be a "mysoginist". (Such a cliche cop out word). Have you ever taken a man's side? Does that make you a "mysoginist" as well? This garbage feminazi terminology has poisoned every woman's mind as far as I'm concerned and just makes people like you see every man as a potential adversary. If that chip on your shoulder works for you, more power to you. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 9:44:21 AM |
Iget a real kick out of the way every man that takes the male side of things or points out double standards is suddenly "a woman hater". So.. it appears that you agree that you often put down women and impose your "male side of things." You impose that stance often and you often lump all "women" as being exactly the same as who you rebut with. I won't address the rest of your post because it's your usual posting M.O. to deflect from the topic at hand or the question posed and try to incite defensiveness in who you address. The truth is in the eating of the pudding.. I don't need to defend my opinion of your posting history. Particularily when you reinforce it the way you just did.
BTW: You didn't answer my question: Do you honestly think you would actually feel less of a fool if a total stranger told you your SO was cheating on you??? | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 9:45:31 AM |
Feminism is a disease
That's funny, I don't recall reading about this disease in the Merck Manual or the DSM-IV. Therefore, I wondered about your credentials and was surprised to see from your profile that you are not a doctor, psychiatrist, epidemiologist, or even a candy-striper. So I would be interested in knowing what qualifies you to make a statement that we cannot confirm in any medical manual? Do many of these "feminist" cases end up being treated in emerg, or are they strictly out-patient cases?
There is nothing sadder than someone who is so offended by feminists and feminism that they resort to middle-school style hyperbole to air their criticism of feminist ideology. The mere presence of women on a forum who do not agree with a man's viewpoint apparently makes you feel like less of a man.
This thread is in no way about feminism. There are other threads for that if you feel a need to vent. So please take your feminist rant elsewhere and stick to the topic at hand, if you can. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 2:06:28 PM | ^^^Yay! Go girls! I love it when logic overrules emotion...
OT: The only person who's going to feel better in this scenario is the OP. And that is all he is interested in..telling the wife - will you gain satisfaction after watching her face crumple? Yes, because it's about hurting her husband, not enlightening her. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 2:08:30 PM | Ok, someone that had an affair and divorced their husband tell me that you would actually tell your ex after you are divorced that you are seeing a married man? Someone tell me, why if this was the cause of this man's divorce, does he not have real proof of any affair except to say his EX wife told him.
I really don't see how anyone sees anything but this man trying to get revenge. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 2:17:30 PM |
I Divorced my wife who was cheating on me. I came to grips and put everything behind me. The man she was cheating on me with is also married to a disabled woman. Their tawdry affair still continues and he's still married. I know, if I tell his wife, she would probably be hurt but, I also think she has a right to know. What would you do?
Ummm, if you tell on them, sounds childish to me, I dont mean to come across as rude, but you done it to me, so I will do it to you??? Forgive forget and move on....
I personally would say right, up yours, if you dont tell her I will! A friend of mine, amazing person was with this bloke, her children from her first relationship told her he was flirting with the baby sitter who was always round there... She took his word, time and time again... I was told this after they split up, when I went to visit with a then newborn baby I walked in on him hugging up to this person, he moved away and started to talk to me... I thought about how to tell my friend, but I did not want to loose her friend ship, which I would of, so I stayed away. She knew I did not like this bloke...
When they did finish I told her exactly what I thought I had seen, she said she would not of believed me... So I am glad I have not lost that friendship but I also make sure if that situation arises again on either side, we would tell each other...
I still feel awful for not saying anything at all, I just stayed away... I knew how happy she was making herself believe she was, nice big house, nice new car, blah blah....
But you dont know this other person? Or do you? Anyway, she might know already and if she does find out, then your ex will have him all to herself.
Ummm,
Cherie xx | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 2:21:47 PM | ApollosFriend?? a HUGE to You!! For all those who think the 'rest of us' should "mind our own business" = This says it all!:
Next time I see someone "key" your car _________, I'll take your advice and "mind my own business. Next time I see someone do something to you that could be detrimental to you, I'll mind my own business. The next time you need help... I'll mind my own business. The next time some white, southern, baptist yokels get all drunk, riled up and take things into their own bumpkin hands... know what? I'll mind my own business.
Having owned several small businesses of my own, you know what each neighboring business does when you or your employees have to take a potty break or are busy helping another customer? ... they go out of their way to help make sure you're not ripped off by a cheatin' bastich customer. They go out of their way to help another customer when you can't handle it. It's called looking out for each other. It's called caring enough to help a brotha out!
How neighborly Mahogany. How honorable, to only help your "friends and family." How white of you to do this disabled woman such a favor since, all you really care about is how it affects you. As you and yours said... "none of your business."
I agree completely, she's best tendin to herself. ... oh, you never did answer my question. Here, let me repeat it. "Who's place is it to talk to her if not the OPs?" Hahahaha, what a joke. People like you don't answer questions, you just ridicule.
What a joke. I'm done with this thread, *picks up ball, heads out the park*. You guys win, don't tell the disabled woman. I have wasted enough of my time here. *flips through the papers* ... hmmm... Inglorious Basstards starts at 7:15! oooh, I can't wait.
Toodleloo peeps. And remember... "mind your own business!" *kicks self out the door* boot! ... ouch!
Thanks for saying that! | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 2:27:14 PM | This is not an easy situation. I believe in 'the golden rule'. With that in mind, I know that I'd want to know and I would have a lot of resentment against people that could have told me and didn't.
So, I'd be a hypocrite if I were just turn my head and pretend I didn't know anything.
I might handle it like this: I'd go to the wife and ask her if I could discuss something with her. It's a very difficult situation and I don't really know how to handle it. I'd ask if she believes in the golden rule and if there was something negative, would she want to know or would she prefer another person would stay out of it. I would let her know that I'm very conflicted by this, but I'd rather give her the choice to know or not to know. I'd also let her know that I could possibly mis-interprete something, but that I didn't think so. I'd tell her that I'd want to know, but that I realize not everyone feels like this. And then I'd let her lead the direction of the discussion....... | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 2:55:04 PM |
I believe in 'the golden rule'. With that in mind, I know that I'd want to know
Which assumes everyone believes as you do - that they'd want to know. Why do you get to make that assumption about someone else? Why do you put what you think is important for yourself ahead of all the things you don't know about a stranger?
and I would have a lot of resentment against people that could have told me and didn't.
You mean like random strangers who might know your husband is sleeping with another woman? Servers in restaurants, hotel clerks, taxi drivers? You'd be angry at them as well? How silly is that? After all, they could do internet searches, find out that the woman wasn't really his wife, track you down to give you the news ...
Now, I can understand being angry at friends who might have known and not said anything - that's a bit more murky, and the decision either way would be more difficult. But being angry at strangers, including the ex of your husband's lover. Seriously, that makes no sense to me.
And, personally, I'd be pretty darn suspicious of a stranger who came to me with some story about my husband cheating, no matter how sure they were about their facts. My golden rule, which I tend to practice because it's my personal preference as to how I want to be treated is "MYOB", especially if you are a stranger to me and cannot possibly have my best interests at heart. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 3:21:13 PM | ^^^ I'd say THAT is what says it all. Thank you for being so succinct ..
Excellent rebuttal Pro-filer. I think that anyone who, after reading your post, still refuses to understand why you shouldn't tell a complete stranger her spouse is commiting infidelity ~ must suffer from tunnel vision in the 9th degree. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 7:30:22 PM | so mrmike...
are you going to tell us what you did?
i've been waiting for two weeks to see if you've given in to the powerful feeling of revenge and ratted to the poor woman... | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:21:20 PM | Ratted?
There's that 'ghetto anti-snitch mentality'. Parent of a criminal, by chance?
Would you be a member of the Catholic church, by chance?
Imagine all those who 'ratted' on the good priests. Couldn't mind their own business!
If only they kept their traps shut, the good times could have rolled on.
Some people don't belong in a civil society.
Would you 'rat' on a rapist? thief? child-molester?
Like Mahogany-dude, each case would 'depend', right? Maybe they asked for it... or enjoyed it!
One victim informing another victim. That's all.
Or are some people not entitled to the Truth? A cheat loves silence.
Naked Truth or Deceipt covered in silence, Which are you?
Maybe it's obvious why some of you are single!
Just a simple note to inform someone who might be unaware that their 'other-half' destroyed your family and if you had the opportunity, you'd have preferred to know so you could've prepared for the situation instead of being in fool's paradise. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 8:23:31 PM | Yeah mrmike, I'm curious myself.
are you going to tell us what you did?
I've been waiting for two weeks to see if you've given in to informing this disabled woman that her husband was cheating with your wife, leading to the ultimate demise of your marriage.
Lord knows she deserves to hear the truth, painful as it is, so that she can no longer be in the dark and can decide to leave the ongoing cheater or not... presuming that she doesn't know and is not ok with it. | |
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| should I tell His wife he's cheating?
Posted: 9/22/2009 10:24:27 PM | ok repair guy...
are you slagging at me?
if so...
i suggest you check your own back ground....
or maybe pour yourself a drink (of what ever) and chill out... | |
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