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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 8/7/2007 2:09:09 PM | One of my favorites....
Wanted. Double jointed supermodel who owns her own microbrewery and grows her own weed. If you have a twin you will get extra points. | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 8/7/2007 7:47:26 PM |
pazoozoo
Fat, flatulent, over 40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman
with big hair to cook, clean, and pick up unemployment checks.
Thnx for making me spray a mouthful of my precious imported
Wild Cherry Pepsi all over my screen. 
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 8/11/2007 9:21:01 PM | Here is a site I found that has a "Funny Dating Profile of the week" section, a few good ones in there.
http://www.thelittleladiesroom.com/online-dating/3.html
I hope not find myself on there one day! | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 8/11/2007 10:59:38 PM | I have seen several funnies.. and laughed pretty hard reading this thread... but.. some of the people that claim their profile is so funny... are wrong. they are trying too hard and just think they are funny.... hmmmmmmm
True original humor is great... even some bitter rude spew... is funny...
BL | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 8/14/2007 8:24:58 AM | I don't have any like that, but I do have a list of excerpts of profiles that I took off of various personals sites (none from here, this was a long time ago) and "translated" from what it says in print to what they really mean. In other words, I "interpreted" them, and some of them are kinda funny.
Here's are a few of them:
I am looking for a very discrete relationship with someone that is open minded and is not into games. must be mature and responsible. age does not matter. I am not looking to rush into a relationship...
Interpretation:
I am looking to cheat on my wife with someone who won't play games, although that's exactly what I am planning to do with my wife and with YOU. She must be mature and responsible although by my very presence here, I am showing immaturity and irresponsibility. I don't want to rush into a relationship because I have shown myself to be incapable of having an honest one.
I'M A GOD FEARING MAN WHO'S ABOUT TAKING CARE OF RESPONSIBILITY FIRST. WHEN MAKING LOVE TO MY WOMAN MY PRI0RITY IS TO PLEASE HER FIRST BECAUSE IF SHE'S PLEASED THEN I'M AUTOMATICALLY PLEASE. I'M A HARD WORKER WHO CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH JESUS CHRIST. HAVE A BLESS DAY.
Interpretation:
I am a zealot who thinks he's the Don Juan of the Southside. I also know nothing of internet etiquette or grammar. I don't know what a "caps lock" is. With the use of "my woman," I exhibit a tendency to think of a woman as a possession! I ran off my wife, so now I have to look for luv on the innerweb. (heehe!)
Come join the party
I am out going, love good conversation I like it when I am with a lady that is smart and sexy.I enjoy a clean house to some extent not extreme measures an I enjoy good sex and good times with one person.
Interpretation:
I am looking for someone to clean house and be my sex toy after she's done.
I still open doors!
I`m a shy person not one that likes a crowd. I seem to be too affecinate toward woman, I`ve been told. I like romance and time together with a woman.I like to go to romantic places, weekend getaways, the beach.
I would likr to meet a woman that likes being with there mate, someone that will put the effort into a realationship. Someone willing to communicate thier feelings. Someone that does not flirt with other men, but will with me. A woman with no sexual problems. I know your out there somewhere.
Interpretation:
I'm insecure, clingy, jealous and possessive. I worry myself sick when my partner is anywhere out of my sight about what she might be doing and with whom. In my mind, "flirting with other men" includes speaking to them or making eye contact with them.
Looking for honest , reliable...
I'm who I am I'm honest.faithfull ,@ dependable . I'm hard headed strong willed ,determined@ I'm very loylaly . Work all the the time. But I do like to play with the right person . I'm looking for a friend.companion ,@ hopefully for a wife .For the rest of my life .
Interpretation:
I need a woman with editing skills. For the rest of my life. | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 8/14/2007 8:32:13 AM | A few more:
im looking for a sexy friend to have fun every now and then. Im looking for someone that is not looking for a relationship. just friendship.
I just wanna get laid.
I consider myself to be the average looking "fella". I've been told by the ladies in my life that I'm handsome,but everyone does'nt have the same taste in a mate! LOL. A dream date for me might be on a picnic with that special lady in Scotland,among the beautiful countryside or maybe somewhere on the Carribean Islands! I am temporarily living with my pop, until I find a new place to live. I like a lady that has a good sense of humor. Intelligent,Loyal,Honest,playful,affectionate,passionate,my best friend.
My mother and sisters think I'm cute. I'm a big talker but in reality I am 46 and live with my parents. Basically I need a woman who can put up with ANYTHING.
This Internet Dating Thing Is Probably Not The Way to Go, But You Never Know. I'm Not A Bar Hopper So I'll Give It A Try!
I have Compulsive Capitalization Disorder.
Tired of being hurt. im a very laid back guy. i love to laugh. laughter gets me through my rough times . i try to see humor in everything. im tired of reading profiles that say that i do this and i do that, when do you work!! i go to work and i come home tired. i do like to get out and have fun, just not all the time. when you are single and have a child to raise its hard to go off all the time. my time with my 8yr old son is important to me. we have a great time being with each other. i dont like the bar scene, its just not me. imnjust looking for a good friend to hang out with and to enjoy life, we only have one. i would like to share it with someone that i care about. my next relationship has to be my best friend that loves me for who i am.
I have too many issues to list. I seem to have missed the whole point of this internet thing, which is to make myself look APPEALING to someone else.
my friends describe mi unique
you can always mus hah god homor i laik sexy women no more 35
i laik muvis
Hooked On Phonics did NOT work for me! | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 8/14/2007 3:50:35 PM | I posted on what's wrong with the person above you thread, and had someone say the profile I have up is scary.
It says for entertainment only, but believe it or not there've been a few (gotta love it when they wear those tin hats) who actually think this profile is real.  | |
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EyeDye
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Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 110 | |
| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 8/14/2007 4:27:58 PM |
I am glad I didn't go for humour in mine.
Dodged a bullet there.
^^BG^^
I didn't really find your profile funny ^^Batgirl^^, but its one of the best I have read so far. It's very creative and original! Kudos!  | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 8/14/2007 5:10:35 PM | Holy profiles Batman...did you see the beauty Batgirl is trying to sell? Perhaps we should have Alfred check it out !!  | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 8/23/2007 5:01:22 PM | Oh my god, I freaking laughed. "Put this on your page if you know someone who was killed by a wonky shaped walking stick"... check out philmeupbaby's page to see it. Christ. Hah.
- A | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 9/8/2007 1:31:40 PM | .....( )....
.....//..... Put this on your
.....\\..... page if you know
.....//..... someone who was
.....\\..... killed by a wonky
.....//..... shaped walking
.....\\..... stick
....../.....
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 9/8/2007 1:34:37 PM | HonestPhil:
Ex-Sensitive New Age Guy who actually used to read Cleo and Cosmo in the '90s to get a better understanding of the female mind. After years of that, I have learned that women are just like Cleo and Cosmo - they smell real nice and are 90% full of sh1t.
I've developed well in life, and have realised that part of being truly honest is that I no longer have to fake looking interested when you're talking. They say that the key to a successful relationship is honesty and sincerity, so if you can fake that then you've got it made. I'm getting there.
If you come over then you'll immediately be impressed by the fact that my bathroom and toilet are kept clean. That's why first impressions are useful - it will take you years to figure out that it only takes me about 43 seconds with some bleach to do that, and that absolutely nothing else gets done around the house.
I'd like to meet a cruisy sort of lady who understands that I'm more likely to remember the names of my cats than hers. Actually, who am I kidding? It's not about meeting one lady like this, it's about meeting as many as possible. The fact that I can still see the tv when we're having sex isn't a co-incidence.
And yes, I like cats. I really need to stop living near brothels though. Walking around the neighbourhood each night, calling out, "here pusy, here pusy" is getting some strange looks from people.
I have many romantic moments, and when I gaze deeply into your eyes and say, "you'll do", I'll occasionally actually mean it.
I am exceptionally good and multi-talented in bed - I can speed-read a motorbike magazine and still touch-type on my laptop, whether I'm lying on my back or my side.
I like telling jokes to a lady after sex. Heck, by that time, she's already used to laughing at me, so I like to make the most of it.
Naturally, you'll have a body that makes Hugh Hefner go wild with jealousy, and you'll find my kilos of padding to be the sexiest thing you've ever seen. There's no rush - I'll lose weight when I'm older, with a special gadget that helps old people weigh less - it's called a crematorium.
Who is the girl of my dreams? How the hell would I know - I'm too d*mn busy dreaming about cars and motorbikes to get around to dreaming about girls. Priorities! | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 9/8/2007 1:43:09 PM | Perfectly_Flawed: I tried to write to you, but apparently I'm too old. And the web site wouldn't take my fake ID. Dammit, that dodgy driver's licence that I made up last year worked in New Zealand, but it doesn't work here.
Anyway, if you like funny stuff then have a look at my comedy web site.... www.perthcomedy.com | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 9/8/2007 5:06:34 PM | I could deal with the "being spanked" but the rest would have to be disscussed at length | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 1/11/2008 1:18:19 AM | I decided to borrow you my profile as i am sure you would like this it gets all women intrested
I'm a single, overweight, out of shape, unemployed, uneducated, debt-ridden, and a bit on the dramatic and psychotic side depending on which personality we are dealing with at the time. I have several crutches like, smoking, drinking, drug addiction and gambling, to name a few. I would give an unbiased opinion of myself based on how my friends would describe me, but I have no friends. I hope this paints a good picture for now. Maybe we can chat and see if there's a connection. I have to go for now though--I m kind of in the middle of this 48hour video game tournament and it s my turn. By the way, the picture in my Bio isnt me. It's my much more attractive and successful Brother.... P. S. Did I mention I live with my parents? | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 1/11/2008 1:29:39 AM | I have to say out of all honesty, mine is the best in the place! Just ask me I'll tell ya...
~Belly~
What woman doesn't like a sale? | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 1/11/2008 7:35:13 AM | When I first got on date sites, it wasn't because I wanted dates...I was tracking the addy's my ex left on my pc of the gals he'd been pervin on....and seeing. Well, after it was over (the tracking that is) I had made a few friends and stayed a member of a few sites to chat. Eventually I gave them my personal addy and dropped the sites. I decided after some time to join a few new sites friends had recommended to me, to make new friends and just "see what happened". Because I was raised by the first puritan family that came off the boat centuries ago...I'm a bit "behind the times" in most things. After a while, I got tired of the pervs and those who constantly put me down because I wasn't promiscuous and forever called a prude....so, being the butthead I am at times, lol...... the next site I joined, I put up the following profile:
Simple country woman seeks God fearing man to come courting. I'm not like most girls of today...I have a sort of Quakerish background. I am plain, work hard, but have few callouses. I would warn you however that if we decide to wed you will have to pass my family's stringent requirements. You MUST let the female members of my family check your privates for any malformities or visible diseases. There can be no sex until we marry, but when we do, the family must be present to confirm there has been a consumation. From there on...the minister must be present at any and all sexual encounters to insure that it is only for procreation purposes, and absolutely NO pleasure is derived from such an encounter as it is considered sinful. Oh, and I no longer wear pantaloons, just regular leg drawers. The minister says I must remain fully clothed during any sexual encounters, as it is not proper for any man to see me unclothed, so I will only be removing the leg drawers for such an event.
By the way, my father and the minister agree that such stringent requirements might put off possible suitors, and therefore are going to allow me to pose nude while they take pics of me to let you know what you WON'T be seeing beneath my clothes once we are wed....and for some reason they have asked me to start sucking on large pickles to prepare for me wedding????
well, I want you to know, that after I posted this, I got all sorts of crazy emails! And I mean crazy, and mostly from Amish and the like! Lol...I thought sure as hell people would get that it was a joke, but obviously not!!! | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 1/11/2008 7:39:55 AM | | now that is good, camping in a graveyard and cutting toe nails...what a pleasure lol | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 1/11/2008 9:30:46 AM | Here's part of an ad I tried to post on Match a long time ago:
We're sorry.....
...but the profile you were trying to reach could not be found.
Instead, we're showing you this guy, and his pictures from when he was 21.
He likes long walks on the beach, puppies, and getting emails from ladies who pretend to live in a small town in the US which can mysteriously not be found on any map (or directly on Wall Street), but are actually from Ukarine, Ghana or El Salvador.
Another favorite of his are short notes from members without pictures, but odd Yahoo or dot uk addresses, telling him he's 'hott'.....
Alleged 18-year olds who open the conversation by describing their their moral openness and flexibility get extra points for creativity.
He loves reading tales of international parentage, leading along a winding and exotic life path to a current situation of being virtually held prisoner in a West African hotel room due to lack of funds.
Warrior princesses challenging his ability to 'handle' them are another favorite.
Since one of his New Year's resolutions is to remember that it is much easier to subscribe to something than it is to unsubscribe from something, suggestions to follow links to 'neglected housewives' websites requiring things like 'adult passports' in order to see 'better' pictures of the lady in question must. regrettably, be declined.
Hippies - former, current or aspiring - are really not his style, neither are televangelists in training, so if you are a 'hobby horticulturist' or 'walk with the Lord' he wishes you a nice trip.
There are a few Punks, Goths and other 'dark angels' in his past, and he very much wishes them to stay there, thank you.
There was more, but you get the idea.
Match did not actually let me put this online -everything in it is true, correct, and a reflection of experience - saying there was a 'problem' with my profile.......
Yeah, too much truth is often a problem. | |
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Nona37
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Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 123 | |
| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 1/11/2008 9:48:50 AM | | The most funny screen name I ever saw once was this ....ATURCERVIXMAAM it was a paramedic who made up that name lol | |
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ÐÊÊЧ
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Joined: 6/23/2008
Msg: 124 | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 8/1/2008 11:00:30 AM | I wrote this a while back as a tongue in cheek type dating profile:
Believe it or not there is a fair amount of work that goes into being as sexy as I am.
You would think that being a towering 5' 4 3/4", shaved head (mostly just shave the sides, mother nature takes care of the rest), stocky build, neon-glowing white skin (except where the sun makes it a kind of rust color), 40-year-old divorced dad of two would make me pretty much the sexiest thing on the planet next to George Clooney. Nope. I'm here to tell you it takes a lot of work to be like me.
For instance, I get up at the crack of 6:00 (not that I want too, but the damn alarm clock goes off and then the cat makes sure I get out of bed), I lay there and think real hard about going jogging, so hard it almost makes me tired already. Then I stumble out of bed trying not to step on the cat who insists that the most important thing I do in the morning is feed him first. I try to find my jogging shorts only to remember I put them in the laundry last night, so I go down and find them still slightly damn in the dryer. Start the dryer. Go upstairs, finally feed the cat who is giving me this indignent look. Microwave a cup of coffee because I am too damn tired to start a new pot. Find a pack of smokes and go light one up outside while waiting for the shorts to dry. Finally the shorts are dry enough to put on. Time to jog.
Now I like to work up a really good sweat when I am out jogging, which for the most part starts to occur at about the tenth step. I get into a really good rhythm where the cadence in my head kinda goes like this "O god this sucks, o god this sucks O GOD THIS REALLY SUCKS!" Keeps me inspired being that religious of a person. It usually feels like I have run about ten miles by the end of my run when in actuality it is probably closer to one. But I have to save a little energy for my push ups and sit ups.
Back at the house I cool down with another smoke and the rest of the luke warm coffee while waiting for my wheezing to get back under control. I will often resort to yoga techniques to control my breathing. Inhale slowly, long deep smoke filled breaths of air, exhale slowly through the nose watching the smoke swirl out, followed by extreme hacking for about 5 minutes.
I lay down in the floor and hook my feet under the couch, and then lay there some more preparing myself for the agony, I mean sit ups that I am about to do. I know that I already have washboard type abs, well if a washboard was slightly soft and had very few ridges then my stomach would look just like one, but I insist on doing my morning sit ups anyway. After studying the inside of my eyelids for about five minutes during which I frequently try not to fall back to sleep I finally burst off the first couple of sit ups. This is usually followed by nausea and the beginning of wanting to use the bathroom, but being the extreme athlete that I am I force myself to keep going until my body is ready to just drop from exhaustion. Damn, those 5 sit ups take a lot out a guy.
Slowly I roll over onto my belly and contemplate the different strands of carpet my face is now resting on. Maybe I should clean the carpet once in a while, or better yet, just get a blanket to do these sit ups and push ups on. After another bout of wheezing I figure I better get these push ups over with. Thank god I have such a great physique cause I am able to whip those push ups out. I can, however, feel the burn of them. Especially when I get to push up number two. O the burn! But I continue until I do all them just to prove to myself that I can. Whew! Ten push ups, I must be the most physically fit male specimen on the planet. Or at least that is what I tell myself.
I go check myself out in the full length mirror and after sucking in my gut and standing kinda sideways I can see where all those women out there find me so attractive, especially when I do that six-shooter thing with my fingers. I know that they are shy about approaching a guy as sexy as me and that when they make those looks of disgust its really just a come-on. That's alright ladies, I understand.
As men get older their hair seems to migrate from one location to another. So instead of having all that stuff on your head, now it is in other places. The best thing to do about this is to get one of those hair trimmers thats kind of like a weed wacker and go to work trimming down the hedges. That's right guys, while women do like a little chest hair, they don't want to be sleeping with a monkey. And that goes for the area down below too. I don't suggest completely shaving it all off your genitals as razor cuts down there take forever to heal and they bleed quite profusely. But when your bush is nice and trimmed it sure makes your penis look larger!
A really good, long, hot shower is the next thing in line. There are a lot of men out there that believe a man only shaves in the sink, but to get a really good shave, especially of the whole head you gotta do it in the shower. And shaving gel is for pussies. Nope a really tough, sexy man uses regular shower soap to get his scalp and face all soapy and slick, then with long, sure strokes gets rid of all that unsightly hair that other men think women like. We real men know that women don't really want to run their fingers through thick, curly hair like Dr. McDreamy. Nope, they prefer a sexy, smooth bald head. The nice thing is that once you are done with your head and face you can use the same soap on a nice louffa to scrub your body. Yeah! Who's the smart one now. I save all kinds of money on just buying a little soap and none of that other girly-man crap like shampoo and conditioner! Gotta be sure to wash between the cheeks and make sure there aren't any klingons down there though. No one likes to be surprised by one of those.
Brushing your teeth, or tooth in some guys case, is a must. Be sure to get each and every tooth one at a time, even inside those big cavities. And use lots of listerine, don't worry about that burning sensation all over your mouth, that's just its way of letting you know it's working. Women like fresh breath, even if it is followed by the subtle smell of tobacco.
I, personally, use a ton of Axe deodorant. You ever see the girls all over those guys in the commercials? I want to be like that. It hasn't quite happened for me yet, but I know it's only a matter of time before I find myself in a situation where women are chasing me down the street. And hopefully next time they won't be carrying torches and yelling things like "kill the freak!" or "Dead men don't lear at our daughters!"
Dressing for success is a complete art in itself. There are many books written on the subject, but don't bother with those. Not only do those books cost a bunch of money, but the clothes they suggest you buy are freaking expensive. Nope. Stick with the tried and true. You can get many expensive looking clothes from your local Walmart, and you can save a bunch of money by not buying needless crap like "underwear" or "socks". Those are just marketing ploys to get you to spend more money on things you don't really need. All you really need are a few semi-clean shirts, a couple of pair of levi's and 1 pair of shorts (which double for swimming if you don't have any cutoff jeans available.)
Yep, staying this sexy is a whole lot of work. An art really! But it's all worth it when I am down at the beach and I see some sexy young 20-something year old and I flash her my famous smile and throw those six-gun fingers her way knowing that she is only trying to impress her friends when she gives me that "I have just been violated by some old guy" look. Yep, it's all worth it!
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