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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 8/1/2008 12:01:55 PM | Funny profiles does not necessary entails a funny, honest, adorable and outgoing person.
Profile says : Desperate loser in his mid 30s on welfare and recently released from prison seeking fun and outgoing female for LTR. (Needs to have car, steady job and be good in bed)
Date says : He is not mid 30s but maybe mid 50s. He is not on welfare but has a unsecure job for the time being. Has an old not good maintanaince car. Words need to be taken out of his mouth. Talks about himself too much and laugh too damm loud. Talks crap about dating sites, coworkers, politicians and the whole world.
Yeah right, funny guy won't get lucky on this date.
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 8/1/2008 12:52:28 PM | I had this as a profile once.....I was really bored and friend of mine said i should have some fun with the whole online date deal.
now you can take this with a grain a salt but within the 1st 24 hours that this was posted, I had over 750 emails ....woman from all over the country ( and a few from the UK)wrote to it. one woman in my area told a friend in La then that one told a friend in Newyork and so on and so on.
We return now to as the "freak flag flies:
When we last left Freaky the date guy he was reading a letter from Lady. When he got the end of the letter he was shocked to see what she had wrote .I’ll continue to write you as long as I don’t find out about some sick fetish like you wear Footies pajamas...how did she know, was she stalking him, did she have a web cam set up in his house that he didn't know about, or could it be a simple coincidence.
He sat in front of the computer for a few minutes...pondering what to do. Then that inner voice told him, maybe its time to cut the Footies off, be a man & grow up, or it could have been his mother’s voice from the closet.,
With scissors in hand Freaky ran up the stairs with reckless abandon. Pulled out his brand new Darth Vader PJ's .Freaky stood there nerves, apprehensive about his decision…then with one cut, an instantaneous rush of adrenalin came over him he grabbed his Spiddy underroos, cut them & then Batman , the Hulk, no footies were safe from the mad frenzy that had come over Freaky .The room filled up in no time with severed footies from all of his PJ's....Then with a earth shattering scream he yelled to the heavens......."Tonight I can sleep free of my childhood fear of my feet being cold.....now where is my diaper & pacifier.
There once was a man from Nantucket who’s….
::::KNOCK KNOCK:::
Dude you can’t use a dirt y limerick in your Profile!
Why not it’s my profile.
Man you have to take this seriously, talk about your dreams your aspirations, wants desires. You’re a great guy , not too many people have a personality like yours.
Let me see the photos your thinking of posting….your kidding is that 2 cars stuck in a tollbooth…Is that a dog peeing on a Bush Cheany bumper sticker.
“Who you calling..?
The misses I’m telling her to only send you one invitation for our Xmas party | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 8/1/2008 2:24:50 PM | I had someone tell me my profile was funny once.
When I read the email, the first thing that went through my mind was "So, I know she is blind. I don't know if I could go out with a blind chick, would be hard to look into her eyes when she doesn't even know I am looking at her... Maybe she is only legally blind! Yea, she can see stuff...but just not the writing on my profile....that makes sense...I guess."
I responded with "Thanks. :)" | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 8/1/2008 3:20:54 PM | Like Hi, my name is Crystal and thanx for reading my profile. I am a beautiful, gorgeous, sexy woman with long, golden, luxuriously soft and silky blond hair and lovely crystal clear sky blue eyes. I have a awesome award winning smile, blemish free complexion topped off with a totally adorable pixie cute nose. I am your quintessential girl next door with an trendy, chic twist. I have a wonderful relationship with all the gals down at the hair salon ( except for that b*tch Andrea, she thinks she`s so hot. I sooooo hate her). I like to stay in shape and workout with a trainer 83 times a week but I am not a fanatic. (My personal trainer Derek is soooo totally yummy).
I absolutely love travel and staying at 5 star resorts and spas. I am very spontaneous and spur of the moment trips to the white sands of Maui is like sooooo me. My friends would describe me as: stunning, beautiful, sensual, sexy, gorgeous, attractive, slim, fit, fun, exciting, faithful, honest, responsible, mature, cute, hot, understanding, lovely, chesty, impeccable hair, impeccable nails, impeccably dressed, fashionable, trendy, very now, very hip, cool, witty, humorous, deep, punctual, tidy, neat, dependable, hot ( oops, I already said that, giggles), smart, intelligent, worthy, great, toned, tan, sweet, loving, kind, passionate, chic, shapely, modern, compassionate, hardbody, sharp, and like last but far from least, very down to earth in a new age, upscale, trendy chic kinda way.
Oh.... my divorce will be final in two weeks. He is being SUCH an as*hole about the whole thing. I mean, good god, he got the bar b que grill, the vacuum cleaner and the kids. Talk about issues. Like Sheeesh. I am sooooo over him. Like NEXT !!! (giggle) Thank goodness for cute high dollar attorneys.
Well, like thanks 4 reading and like ta ta :) | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 6/21/2009 4:28:52 AM | I've always liked this one. I and NOT the original author of this. I don't even know who is.
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and God-like trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed and I cook thirty-minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in Stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Braves. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I am bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and I have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. My floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby****and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room set. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are paid. On weekends to let off steam, I participate in full contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only mold and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet. I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis... but I have never tasted the sweetness of your lips. | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 6/21/2009 9:36:23 AM | | I think ist great people can laugh a bit at them selfs....we are all a bit to serious dont you think???? | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 6/21/2009 9:48:50 AM |
we are all a bit to serious dont you think????
Funny noone's ever told me that.... | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 8/18/2009 11:31:10 AM | | i have read quit a few profiles on here and i still think mine tops the list....how ever i would like to know what you woman think. | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 8/18/2009 2:03:53 PM | Jammer, What is wrong with Godzilla movies or cemetaries?
The lips not matching the words are a hoot, stomping on toy citys and Raymond Burr. Cemetaries are cool, old tombstones with "Here lies John Goode killed by injuns",
Love em.
The rest, hmmm got to think about those.
We all have to drive backwards on the interstate at least once....Yikes missed that exit again?
I do enjoy reading some funny ones on pof, stealth of course and can't direct you to them..but there are some real funny ones in cold states that start with an A, with nude men ..oh never mind.
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 9/25/2009 4:31:19 AM |
well, I want you to know, that after I posted this, I got all sorts of crazy emails! And I mean crazy, and mostly from Amish and the like! Lol...I thought sure as hell people would get that it was a joke, but obviously not!!!
Ooooh yeah, them Amish are crazy about their computers.  | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 9/25/2009 4:40:02 AM | | Btw, I think I got most of you beat for "best line". It is " Oh, also I need a man with strong thighs, I don't want someone to sit on my face per se...just hover above it a lil.... with the required "no weirdos please" of course lmao! . | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 9/25/2009 5:21:36 AM | How about this male version of BBW:
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BHM (Big Handsome Man) Seeks Financially Secure Woman - 38
I'm a BHM (Big Handsome Man) and I'm looking for a beautiful and financially secure woman. I like walks on the beach even though we're nowhere near a beach. I like to read books, well, the pages with pictures that interest me. And I like to dance - for 3 minutes. That's all.
Oh I forgot, either you cook and I clean or vice versa. Not both.
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 9/26/2009 12:58:46 AM |
Desperately lonely loser, SWM,32,miserable,apathetic, tired of tv and watching my roomates hair fall out. Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF, 25-32, no sense of humor, for long talks about the macabre.
I'm interested. My mother/savior complex is itching. | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 9/26/2009 12:21:38 PM | Here is mine I had up for a short time when I first joined yahoo. Yes, I had fun with it and got some very nice responses from men with a sense of humor:
I am currently a high impact aerobics instructor - I used to be a gymnast and a cheerleader. I do a great deal of swimsuit modeling and I am naturally very tan. For some odd reason, Playboy is still my favorite magazine. I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, but I get tipsy after two champagnes and am easily persuaded. During my stretching exercises each day, I concentrate on putting both of my legs behind my head; that exercise is very important to me for --- my rock climbing. I hate to brag but my measurements are 36-24-36 and that picture is very old.
Now, if you are gullible enough to believe all of that, then you are definitely not the guy I am looking for. You are living in a fantasy world and need to wake the heck up - unless of course you are a multi-millionaire NFL quarterback. In that case, all of the above is true and let's meet in a pitch-dark closet in a bar. Even better, feel free to forward my first paragraph to my middle-aged brother who will be typing a reply before he even reaches this second paragraph. | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 9/26/2009 1:12:53 PM | | This one is LOOSER! Infact, what he's doing, is out to find a fickle silly woman mad enough to take him on, she needs a car as he lost his prob drink driving. He needs to have a roof over his head, and a bed, preferably with the silly woman cooking him food, running baths and sex. In the day, he'll do bugger all, maybe a bit of drug dealing behind her back, nick her jewlrey to pay for crack or coke or worse, and then leave jher to go the next sill girl, and build a web of women he can run to when he's in the s***t again. I expect he knows exactly what hes doing!!!! Good luck to these women...they'll no doubt end up inside with him! | |
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LBA26
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Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 144 | |
| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 9/26/2009 1:13:09 PM |
But of course blind people can't read-Fix me up with your friends.
they have computer software they read the page to the blind now... which is why htmls imageries are required to have an alt for the blind to read. | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 9/26/2009 5:56:12 PM | I read this funny one on a POF profile awhile ago.
His profile stated, he " had not had a lover or sex with anyone for years except with his hand," and he said, "that his hand and him are not involved a relationship with each other," He said, " his hand and him are just good friends."  | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 9/26/2009 6:09:21 PM | Yes, Still,David....you are one hilarious guy. I loved your profile style. You threw all caution to the wind.
I got a kick out of the brutal honesty and sarcasm. It's nice when you read a humorous profile that someone took some time to write. (hey, even if you were still washing off the sparkles from Trixie's boobs) Bravo. I know what you mean. If someone doesn't get your humor, they don't get 'you' in general. | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 10/2/2009 3:35:30 PM | Horribly depressed yet fabulous, drug-addicted, deluded and totally inbalanced alcoholic desperately seeks patient, tolerant, saintly and financially secure woman between the ages of 16-70 to nurse him. Must not be disgusted by horrendous scars or rampant drug binges. Must expect urination at any given moment in any given place. Must not be offended by being repeatedly called a c**t for no reason. GSOH essential.
This profile is mine im proud to say. Haven't got too far with people for some reason! | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 10/2/2009 4:33:18 PM | The funniest one I read so far was
"I am a single 5"9 plumber looking for my soul mate and any jobs in the neighborhood. I have my own car and will take care of emergencies dating, plumbing or otherwise" | |
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 10/2/2009 5:06:21 PM | What??? are you telling me this isn't a serious place to meet your mate, and some people are just here funnin'
Say it isn't so Joe!
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| funny online dating profiles
Posted: 10/2/2009 5:12:35 PM | | I read a profile where the guy had "naked Twister" as one of his interests. I had to write him a message, I couldn't resist !!!! too funny | |
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