| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/20/2009 5:12:22 PM | | The best way to treat it is,you had fun ,it fell apart,get hurt,get angry and brush it to the side it was an experience. Put a smile on, think of the good times and move on without negitive feelings. x | |
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/20/2009 6:53:52 PM | I've never been bitter. Other emotions, yes, but not bitter.
When the most important relationship of my life (to that point) abruptly ended with an affair some eight years ago, I was devastated. Totally. I'm sure other people have had much worse to live through, but the shock of it just laid me out. And it took a long time and huge legal fees to work though the debris of our relationship. It really took a toll on me. Then I was flat for a while, the walking wounded. That phase lasted much longer than I would have expected (I've always been a bit like the Abominable Snowman in the movie Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer... ya know how they bounce]/i]? I thought for a long time my bounce was broke. Then I went through another longish period where I figured I was just done with relationships... declared my picker was broke and I had to just face the fact that I sucked at relationships. Gradually I emerged. Some wise friends helped a great deal. I was absolutely determined that the rest of my life was not going to be about "someone cheated on me". No, my story was going to be about thriving. I remember the day when one of my friends said "She's baaaaaack!"
I don't think I'm really all the way back... even eight years later. I used to have a steel trap mind and way more energy... and I find I have less energy and get rattled by stress in a way that didn't phase me before. It does get better, but I have to accept that maybe I'll never get it back the way it was. Maybe it's aging, and I've just aged into the next life phase while I was at work on recovery. Doesn't really matter which, I'm wherever I am now and that's what there is... deal with it. My sweetie says not to sweat it, he didn't know me before, has no comparative and thinks I'm the Cat's Pajamas as I am right now. Who am I to argue for my limitations? LOL.
I think tho, that he and I have had disappointments in life, that we've handled our individual failures does help us in forging our relationship with each other. The "stuff" we face pales by comparison to real problems; it really has been effortless to resolve anything we face. And we're both very careful to add to each others' lives. I feel so gosh darned fortunate to have this man in my life and sometimes how very much I love him just takes my breath away.
Bitter? No. A little more battered and weary? Yes. Able to count my blessings? YOU BET!!!! | |
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/20/2009 7:21:30 PM | Hmmm
I thought about your question a LOT as I pondered the end of what I thought was going to be a great relationship Tye.
Not bitter...worn down. Tired even. Wondering if I'll ever get it right. Realizing that I need to be clearer as to what my objective is when accepting a date from someone who I might not think is quite right: am I bored? Lonely? What is it that says "go out with this one even though he isn't _________".
Then realizing that I am a romantic at heart and that if I allow myself to become bitter, I WILL truly end up alone, angry and wondering what happened.
I might be bitter right AFTER a breakup, especially if I felt that he was someone that I had connected with and allowed into my inner world (it takes a lot for someone to be talked about, much less meet family/friends for me). The whys, why nots, hows, etc all come into play. Then I decompress, realizing that there were signs, maybe from one or the other, that it wasn't going to work--and I slow down, realizing that just because that person isn't for ME doesn't mean they're a bad person for anyone else.
Overall...not bitter. Definitely not some crazy ass Pollyanna either! | |
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/20/2009 7:31:24 PM |
Not bitter...worn down. Tired even. Wondering if I'll ever get it right. Realizing that I need to be clearer as to what my objective is when accepting a date from someone who I might not think is quite right: am I bored? Lonely?
Yep. Probable sums up my take on it right now. Maybe we all should join a focus group.
As a side note, I wonder whether people from other countries and cultures face the same amount of issues we do. You don't nearly hear as much about divorce rates in other countries.
Tye | |
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/20/2009 7:47:09 PM | I must reaffirm that I have not gotten bitter. I still believe and look for that special love.
Past relationships have maybe hurt me, made me cry, etc, but never bitter.
I have learned with the years that happiness is within. I am responsible of making myself happy. MOf course when I'm heartbroken, I seem to forget this, but its only temporary amnesia.
We must remember that the dating world is not easy. We can maybe meet 40 people before we feel we met someone we like or might like for a LTR. That is why we shouldn't feel discouraged if 5 dates went wrong...we need to keep going.
Tye, being alone is not the optimal state for a human being. Just be patient and learn to screen and detect the bad candidates...it takes a while but you will get better and better.
Good luck to you. | |
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/20/2009 8:38:31 PM | I wouldn't call it bitter. I'd just call it uninterested now.
What relationships taught me is that they really get way too much emphasis in our lives. I'm not willing to spend another moment worrying over what some guy thinks of me. I'm also not willing to spend another moment waiting for someone to make up their mind, make a decision, let me know what he thinks or whether he is interested in me or not.
I have a life to live and romantic relationships aren't the be all and end all of my existence.
But I'll probably go get laid eventually.  | |
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/20/2009 9:24:57 PM | I agree with everything you are saying but sometimes you can't take your past relationships into a fresh relationship because you will be entering are ready a unhealthy relationship you have to go into a relationship when you are focused and are ready and over your past . never lose faith in yourself you are a beautiful woman there is some one for you.   | |
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/20/2009 9:53:13 PM | I agree with Miss Contemplative. I pretty much feel that way now.
That's what 2 years of seeing and hearing everything will do to a woman. Burn me out. Make me neutral. Just don't care anymore. Not starry-eyed anymore. Don't feel like making the effort anymore.
Oh yes, and like her, if I need ta "git some", I'll git it.
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/20/2009 11:52:51 PM | I guess that's what makes it easy for you, gals... dang... you can just "git some" whenever. That is so lucky.
But yeah, I did go through the "nice guy" phase as well. I guess it's like the stages in death, this site: you have stages of
1) bright eyed optimism, then comes
2) truth realization
3) then comes the "nice guy" syndrome.
4) afterwards, the 4th step the person goes into bitterness
5) then acceptance.
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/21/2009 12:13:27 AM | I don't think anyone that has posted that they aren't bitter lives on cloud nine or has some form of delusion going on.
While I am not bitter that doesn't mean I haven't ever experienced bitterness. Of course I have. It has it's place. However, to remain so would be a choice that I don't care to make. Letting bitterness infect your entire being is a choice. As is working through the cause of the bitterness, reflecting on the how and the why and learning from it. If you learn nothing through your experiences then it should be expected that you will continue to repeat the same situations that led you to feeling bitter in the first place. It's a vicious, horrible cycle that you can reaffirm daily - if you choose. I don't. I learn. I accept. I embrace the possibilities that come my way with hope. | |
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/21/2009 12:31:46 AM | Well, relationships, online dating, POF and dating in general can make anyone feel some sense of bitterness, but it is only natural. Being said that, I believe that these circumstances does not make people bitter about life. It is not enough unless it is something of an "uber" dating incident or something that can bring your self-esteem to zero for a long, long, long time.
Sometimes, people over think stuff - including me - when it comes to situations that was mentioned. Relationships, online dating, POF and dating in general are challenging stuff, but it is also important to take note that it comes with the territory. Soulmates does not come in a silver platter, or at some accounts, not even in a platter per se. | |
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/21/2009 6:34:27 AM | LOL @ TheNakedApe!
I think bitterness can be a reasonable phase in the aftermath of a relationship. It's when you can't ever stop being bitter that you have a problem. There are a lot of "walking wounded" on this site; people who are clearly not ready to move on, and they sure seem to cause a lot of destruction.
The most difficult relationship I was in, ended in death, so I think I benefited from consciously putting myself through the grieving process. It just took some time to sort through everything, the good and the bad, and making sure I understood the lessons. It seems to me that a lot of people who go through a divorce or any kind of traumatic breakup would do well for themselves and future partners by doing a bit of "grieving" themselves, and making sure they don't get involved with a new person during that time. Something I also had to learn the hard way. | |
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/21/2009 6:58:25 AM |
Just wondering if relationships, online dating, POF, or just trying to date in general has made you bitter about life.
If you have a positive outlook nothing should cause you to be bitter. Having self control and the right mind set will give a person self esteem to accept life ,good or bad. If things are bad a person with the right mind set will work through the bad things to make things better,not bitter!
When we are all young, guy or girl, we always think that we'd easily find someone special to complete us and have that fairy tale ending. But I feel like cheating, people's prides, and little annoyances have made us get more wiser but more bitter at the thought of finding their "soulmate" or whatever that person maybe.
Your thoughts please.
Tye
No one needs anyone to complete them...If you feel incomplete it's because you have a negative outlook and you lack self esteem...
If you're wiser you know bitterness is a negative attitude...Wise people don't allow bitterness to rule and ruin their life.... | |
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/21/2009 7:30:52 AM | | Past relationships have led me to be sometimes cynical, and certainly more cautious and selective. But not bitter. I'm told I taste very good, actually. | |
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/21/2009 8:35:40 AM | Auntemily:
[qupte]People have been disappointing. Marriage and children were poor investments that didn't pay off. My joy is in my work, my toys, my material comforts, and limiting myself to superficial relationships that cost me nothing, involve no future investment on my part, and that I can easily terminate at will.
And yet your profile says you are looking for 'long term'. So presumbaly you are leaving a trail of bitter and disillusioned women behind you.
This poster is not even divorced yet. Heis supposed to be feeling bad. he hasn't completed the life cycle yet of his relationship, and yet is attempting to date, and is bitter.
The below is a great post by brightestblue:
I think bitterness can be a reasonable phase in the aftermath of a relationship. It's when you can't ever stop being bitter that you have a problem. There are a lot of "walking wounded" on this site; people who are clearly not ready to move on, and they sure seem to cause a lot of destruction.
The most difficult relationship I was in, ended in death, so I think I benefited from consciously putting myself through the grieving process. It just took some time to sort through everything, the good and the bad, and making sure I understood the lessons. It seems to me that a lot of people who go through a divorce or any kind of traumatic breakup would do well for themselves and future partners by doing a bit of "grieving" themselves, and making sure they don't get involved with a new person during that time. Something I also had to learn the hard way.
If a relationship is over, it needs to have an ending, and it needs to be grieved. Time needs to be given. People just don't get it. Everything has a cycle, and so do emotions. How anyone who chooses to date a person who has not completed the full cycle or long term relationship is beyond me? People just don't look in the mirror and own their shit anymore, and say...no, I need time to heal. And then keep going out for more and more and more, never ending cycle 1. Of course there is bitterness. I have a friend, who is separated for five years due to financial reasons, and health insurance. You know what? He finally admitted, it does not matter the cost, he has got to get divorced. He absolutely cannot tolerate the tie between them any longer and it is effecting the relationship that he has now. Funny part is, I thought they were the exception to the rule, and that they handled their aftermath wonderfully. He though told me, his heart and mind can't take it anymore, and he needs to be able to move on. | |
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/21/2009 8:56:27 AM | | I think the relationships I've had have helped me to understand what KIND of relationship I'm made for. This is why, after years and years of heartaches, being cheated on, etc. I have decided that I want a long-term FWB relationship (and I found it!) We're both content to let things flow as we are indefinitely! | |
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/21/2009 9:05:50 AM |
If you have a positive outlook nothing should cause you to be bitter. Having self control and the right mind set will give a person self esteem to accept life ,good or bad. If things are bad a person with the right mind set will work through the bad things to make things better,not bitter!
I love it. I was just getting ready to make a similar comment.
Just about everything I've read so far about being bitter is about blaming others for my hurt feelings or discomfort in life. How can anyone else be responsible for my feelings?
And the comments about repeated events or types of people which are blamed is just amazing. I burnt my hand on the stove "ONCE". Try applying that common sense to life!
Raise that self esteem and the need for blame will fade away! | |
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/21/2009 9:08:54 AM | | This thread has made me bitter. It proves everything I already knew that is wrong with POF, people, the world and my computer. Gone is my wide eyed innocence and now I am reborn in the stark reality of an uncaring thread that nothing I write for it could make any difference. Not this, or even this, or what next I write here makes any difference to the thread or to anyone reading or to the forums or the site or the world, not even to my computer. Even saying that was pointless. It's all a joke. You come to the forums with high hopes and looking for just your modest share of, er, forum stuff, and then you try and try but every time it goes to hell. One post after the next in a steady beat of futility because people and society have gone to the dogs, and those dogs don't even appreciate the forums. No, all the dogs want are food, sticks to chew and chase, fields to run in. That's their nature and there is no changing it. Must love dogs, my rear end. | |
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/21/2009 9:24:47 AM | When we are all young, guy or girl, we always think that we'd easily find someone special to complete us and have that fairy tale ending.
You know, I liked children's books when I was a kid, but I never assumed they were real. I just figured they were entertainment - like a lot of the books I read as I grew up.
I never thought there was supposed to be a guy out there to complete me. I did however hope there was a cool job, a great apartment, a good bunch of friends and a decent car I'd eventually find my way to. Boyfriends are incidental for me, not goals I try to meet. I'm better at working on the stuff I can control.
Therefore, bitterness isn't relevant to me - in order to be bitter, I'd have had to expect someone was supposed to come along and make me whole before the inevitable dissapointment (I would have created). It would have been a surefire way to let myself down...I'm glad I never did that. | |
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/21/2009 9:33:18 AM | Bitterness is a very temporary state of being, much like other emotions.
Just because one has experienced bitterness at some point, doesn't mean they have to remain in that state.
Have I experienced bitterness? Sure, who hasn't?
Am I bitter now? Hell no, there's too much fun to be had. | |
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/21/2009 11:53:26 AM |
No, all the dogs want are food, sticks to chew and chase, fields to run in.
And poop to roll in, the smellier the better.
Then they can get bitter about how JUST when you get everything smellin' nice and life is goooooooood, someone makes you have a bath. The nerve.
~~
I have a different take on being complete, because I actually don't think we are ever complete in our lifetime.
However, love is absolutely central in my life. Were I to die without having experienced it, well, I would regret that. | |
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/21/2009 12:27:42 PM | | I think they have, also not getting dates makes it worse and being treated like nothing when you do get a date. I starting to think why bother what is the point. If you can't even get the time of day and start a conversation. I don't think I want a "relationship" anymore. | |
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| Have relationships made you bitter?
Posted: 9/21/2009 1:07:04 PM | "Not bitter, smarter, but not bitter, wiser, but not bitter. "
Perfectly said for this man. I look at it this way. I love the freedom of being single. I would love the company of a wonderful woman. So in all I am most of the way happy in either way.
Lonely once in a great while may describe it better, but that is even rare. It is all a matter of the frame of mind you put yourself in. You choose to be bitter, the past relationships don't make you feel that way.
Bitter is what I get against people, in my instance women who play games. It just isn't right and that makes me hesitant to get in a relationship, but not bitter. | |
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