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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/21/2009 7:10:22 PM | | Sorry, I thought you meant Bi-Polar disorder....this borderline personality disorder....some doctor rendered this diagnosis in order to justify charging for a doctor visit . Hr doesn;t have a clue what he;s talking about, like many in the medical proffession.(excluding nurses) | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/21/2009 7:15:46 PM | | It is possible to love someone and not be able to live with them or continue to see them. If he is constantly hurting you, then the relationship is effectively abusive. Even if he doesn't intend it, you are suffering the effects of abuse. Sacrificing yourself will not help either of you. I can imagine you look at the good times you've had with him - and maybe still have on occasions - and think this is how it could be if only all the other problems went away. This causes tremendous conflict. You need to look at the whole thing on balance. How often are you lonely, upset, crying, angry? It sounds far too often. A person who loves you should not be hurting you like this, no matter what his reasons. From what you've described you need to get out. It sounds like you are in a similar position to the partner of an alcoholic. Look into co-dependency and see if there are any local groups or therapists near you. This may help you to clarify things in your mind. | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/21/2009 8:55:06 PM | So there are a number of problems for you here.
First of all, you feel alone and lonely and turn to the person you know will respond to you. This is one of the factors that is making things so hard for you. I think there are some practical things you could do to help yourself reduce the power of this factor. You sound like a kind and giving person and I suspect you'd get a lot out of doing a little voluntary work, working as part of a team for some good cause. Use the internet to help you find something local. It will also give you some experience to add to your CV and increase your job prospects.
Secondly, you have been in a relationship with someone who is mentally ill. It's a lot for anyone to handle, let alone someone so young. Again, make use of the internet and join a forum or support group that will help you understand the situation -- that will help you understand what not to take personally -- what is the illness, not the man's response to you.
Finally, take a long hard look at your relationship. You have a lot of potential to be of value in the world: to make a positive difference to those whose lives you touch. Where is all that good energy and love going? Is the effect overall positive, are you helping him? It doesn't sound like it. And after investing your all trying to please him, you are a crying little heap of hurt. You don't care much about yourself but perhaps you'll care about the effect that your choices have on others. You're not, judging by his behaviour, improving the quality of his life at all -- if you were you'd have seen behavioural improvements over the year and you haven't. So you're taking away from the people who could benefit from your energy and efforts and who would appreciate them and giving energy and effort to a cause upon which it is having no positive effect and perhaps a negative effect.
Perhaps you can't make the decision in your own self-interest -- you are too far from being selfish to be able to do this. But perhaps you can see that there are other reasons to make the decision. There is more for you to be doing with your life than this. You have a lot of potential -- stop wasting it and try to put in place the support that you need to enable yourself to start making a positive difference to the world around you instead of pouring all your love down the drain.
You can do it. This might be your life-changing moment where you decide to react to your experience in a way that puts you on a very positive path  | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/22/2009 12:17:42 AM | I was wondering what beliefs are holding you to him.
and why do people have to be punished for something they cannot help. HE IS SICK!
does that mean that he or anyone else with this disorder does not deserve to be loved?
Who are you to reward or punish him?
Think about this carefully. The simple fact is you are not compatible with him. In my earlier post I made the statement that i had met someone like him and couldn't understand how anyone could be in a relationship with that person unless they suffered the same illness. Some one who is compatible with them.
You are not rewarding him by being with him nor would you be punishing him by not being with him. It is as simple as you not being compatible. You cannot help him, nor can he stop being the things that hurt you.... | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/22/2009 9:55:47 AM | fyi, to all
after reading all the replies from both this thread
and another I posted regarding this same thing
I have finally given him the boot
for the last time
and most of all
while i was sitting there thinking about it all last night
i realized that...
... i feel like a crazed lunatic and nothing like the person i was a little over a year ago...i dont know if that is a good or bad thing but it's just not me.
so i have given him the heave ho and am not backing down this time
i want my life back
i want to be happy again
i know it will be a scarey and lonely road
but in the end when i can look back and say
i finally made it, i am me, and i am happy again
it will be sooo worth it.
_laura_ | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/22/2009 10:56:38 AM | | OP - you're 22 years old. It's time you check in with yourself and tell yourself that you deserve better than this cad. The cheating hurts emotionally. Now, it gets worse, you don't know who he's been with, PLUS you don't know if he's had unprotected sex. Is this guy totally worth risking your life?? Cheaters do not make good people. He's cheating on you, he's cheating on others. You deserve better but YOU need to figure that out. | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/22/2009 11:50:07 AM | batgirl-
i am copy and pasting your reply
so that i can see it every day
i am already starting to get that itch
the lonely itch saying i miss him and i need him
and i love him
BLALLAAKSHDLJSGFJBHANAHHHH!
focus laura!!!!
so yes
anytime i get that urge i hurry up and come back here
to read the replys to remind myself i deserve so much better
and that yes i CAN do this!
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/22/2009 6:32:49 PM | Honey I was in a relationship with this diagnosis. You can't save him. You can't love him enough.
He can't love. He can't empathize with your feelings.
He can only manipulate you into being what he wants. He is toxic to you.
He has brainwashed you with his sickness. You feel bad for him. You love him so much your heart will explode. He feels nothing. You are a host that he feeds off of.
Get away. Far away or he will show you his rage or suck you back in.
No contact. I know of a good support group for you.
Let me know if you want the info.
There is no medication and no therapy that will change him.
He is wired for the rest of his life like this.
These good people here are not lying to you.
Take what Bat girl has told you and follow it.
Its great advice. | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/22/2009 7:08:44 PM |
and why do people have to be punished for something they cannot help. HE IS SICK!
does that mean that he or anyone else with this disorder does not deserve to be loved?
The question is not whether or not he deserves to be loved. The question is which is more important to you; your happiness or his? The way this situation is set up, it is not possible to have both.
But just remember this. Taking care of your own needs is not punishing him. He is responsible for his own happiness just as you are responsible for yours.
I am glad to hear you went through with ending this. It was a terminally toxic situation and you have definitely done what is best. I wish you the best of luck in having the strength to keep this negative influence out of your life.
Cheers. | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/22/2009 7:13:09 PM | It seems like you have put yourself into a situation to where you allowed these things to happen instead of staying strong on your convictions to leave him. I don't understand why do women keep going back to boyfriends who lie, cheat, and do other things to them but will pass up the opportunity to be with someone who treats them right. Many women have fallen into this trap of not leaving a bad relationship with a man because they need to think that the man will change his ways and start a positive pattern in the relationship. As for as the mental illness in a way a woman has to understand the other person coming out of this man and with medication it can be manageable and under control. It is hard to let go because you still love this man but it seems like when his other personality starts to surface then you cannot deal with it or put up with it. My advice to you may hurt, but if I was a woman in your situation then I would stand by my original decision to leave the relationship and find someone else. If you don't leave then you may find yourself in a miserable state and unhappy through many arguments.
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/23/2009 8:51:15 AM | Good for you, OP! Stay strong.  And have this be a new start for you in the way you expect to be treated in a relationship.
As to the mental illness: while it's a difficult thing to deal with, it's no excuse for bad behavior. I was married to someone who was severely bipolar, and while it was hell on earth in so many ways, he never ever mistreated me. Having a disorder does not give a pass on basic morality.
crazylilting: while the compatibility argument makes some sense, it probably really depends on the disorder. For many forms of mental illness, two people with the same disorder in a relationship seems like a recipe for double disaster. That being said, there are probably very few "normal" people who can successfully cope with a mentally ill partner. I've concluded that I simply wasn't made of the right stuff. I toughed it out, but paid a steep price in mental and physical health, and would never knowingly enter into a relationship with a mentally ill person again. However, I think there might be some people who know how to cope with those things. I hope so! | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/23/2009 11:25:18 AM | So often we know what to do but second-guess ourselves until we suffer analysis-paralysis. We can let doubt and guilt and various "shoulds" keep us stuck in what we know is an unhealthy situation.
Enlarge the context to consider how you want to live the rest of your life. What makes sense for not only you, but your friends and family, including your children, if any.
Then summon courage, true friends, a good counselor, and whatever other allies you can to make changes in your life. Be your own hero and best friend.
Good luck. | |
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| How do I get myself, to give myself, permission to let this go...?
Posted: 9/25/2009 2:43:41 PM | These men make you feel that you are nothing without them, and you will never find anybody wanting you if you leave them. BS!!!!
My ex has some type of personality disorder, but it's undiagnosed because he is too proud to admit he's got issues and he needs help. My marriage was hell. I tried to stick with him to help him because of love. My career and social life ended, my care of myself was reduced to showering daily. Everyday I would cry, not to mention the low self steem coming from the mental and emotional abuse. There was a point when I thought about jumping out of the window, and only the sense of duty to my then baby daughter kept me from going ahead with it.
I got a job, started to feel confident again, and had a big blown up with him one night. The following morning, the signs on my face were evident. A female coworker took me aside, and said that her father was like that, and to "not doing to yourself nor to your daughter".
I left him, with my little girl. A month later, people were saying to me that I looked healthier. Still had two years of legal battle to come. In the middle of it: working full time, being a single mum, studying, and going through the courts, a few people try to guess my age, and they came to a number that was below my actual age. With all the pressure and stress, I looked younger for the first time in my life!!!
I've come through all the issues now. Thanks to my friends, family and church, I rebuilt my self esteem. Although I'm now a bit overweight, I'm happy and looking forward to every aspect of life. And I have started now to attract really good and interesting men, without trying.
Take it from me: don't do it to yourself. There is light at the end of the tunnel and there is a better life waiting for you. Even if you can't see it now, it exists.
Feel free to message me privately if you need to talk.
Take care. | |
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