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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 1:35:53 PM | There is never a nice way to end a relationship. A 'Dear John' email may sometimes be the best way because the explanation is clear and it can be read over and over again. Much better than someone just blocking you, not answering your calls or texts etc.
For the kinder ending I remember the old song 'Tell me in a park full of trees, tell me on a Sunday please'. That final hug can be poignant, but comforting. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 1:42:25 PM |
move on, there are other, better, kinder, more caring, more sincere, more honest, more genuine people out there. What the heck?
Ya know, we only have one side of this 'break up'.
Maybe in the 3 weeks that he noticed she'd been "cooling off" she tried to talk,
maybe she made some efforts,
maybe it got brushed off,
maybe it just didn't get through.
I know he says when he would try to pin her down with "what's wrong?" he says she would answer what amounted to "nothing wrong".
Maybe she was trying to figure it out herself.
Maybe she was trying to talk.
Maybe he read it wrong.
Maybe she got uncomfortable with him.
Because he came here and started a thread about not liking the way his girlfriend broke up with him, (for goodness sake), we are to think he is the 'good' one and she is the 'bad' one?
Maybe she IS kind and caring... and couldn't bring herself to hurt him with details.
And yes... to those who say there might be another man.. maybe there is.
Maybe she IS non-kind, non-caring, or non-honest.
But we don't know.
This is just a thread from the jilted person's viewpoint.
But we all know there is more than one story to any breakup.
Sorry it happened to you, OP.
Sorry you didn't like the way she did it. (do we ever like the way they do it?)
Glad to see you're feeling like you're gonna be okay. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 2:46:05 PM |
my advice would be to really interview your next prospective girlfriend. i ask lots of questions like how did your last relationship end? how did your marriage end?
I have to disagree here. If you try to put your prospective girlfriend under the hot lamp about her past relationship(s) before you're about to become bf/gf, you're more likely to scare them away than hook up with them. There is a time and a place, and conversations like this need to wait until there's some mutual trust before they're brought up. You're more likely to get a "None of your business/I don't want to talk about it" response in the earlier stages of meeting someone than you are if there is a lot of mutual trust.
Of course, there are also some people who just won't want to talk about it, no matter how comfortable they are with you. Maybe it brings back bad memories. Of course, for the pessimists out there, yes it could also mean that they are trying to hide something; it's up to you how the response is interpreted.
-- Cerule_Aeternus | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 2:47:41 PM | Talk about your "uncool ways of decathecting"!
I absolutely HATE to break up with guys simply because it's a hard thing to do (confrontational and unpleasant) and I don't enjoy hurting people but I've found that the 'easiest' way to do things is just to be honest and rip off the bandaid so to speak. It's less painful in the long run.
I think that any time you have had someone inside your body or you've spent time in theirs then they deserve an honest, face to face break up or at least a phone call.
Ernest Hemingway said: “Courage is grace under pressure.”
OP: So now you know she is a coward. And a tacky one at that.
Considering that you are 53 years of age I'm sure she is too old to NOT know better by now.
I agree that you deserved more respect than an e-mail.
And yes, respectful breakups are a myth.
Totally untrue!
I've had very respectful break ups. Very painful but also very respectful.
Would he be feeling better if she stood in front of him to tell him that it was over?
Probably yes. Then there would be no added insult to injury (being dumped via e-mail) to deal with.
Women (and men) usually don't turn loose of the vine they're swinging from until they have another firmly in hand.
Also totally untrue!
I don't believe in double dipping.
The only people who do that are the ones that can't stand to be alone with themselves for any length of time.
And who wants them?
Some people go out of their way to avoid conflict and if that is her way, its her way.
Still, that doesn't make it right and I am one of those people who avoids conflict like the plague.
Do you really want the truth?
Yes! If I can understand something then I can move past it more easily and let it go. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 2:52:32 PM | You thought things were great, they weren't and you have a good attitude about the whole thing but she did you a favor by ending it this way, you have no niggling doubts about how great she was, yada, yada. The only thing I would do in your shoes is run over things in your head and see if you missed a subtle change in her behavior prior to the fated e-mail.
I experienced something similar a couple of years ago although the breakup started with him just not calling one day, which stretched into two weeks. When I finally e-mailed, I got the break-up e-mail in response. My biggest problem with how he chose to end a 7-month relationship was that we began things with it important to both of us that we were friends, wth, I don't treat my friends so cavalierly. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 2:56:09 PM | | You should be angry. There is clearly a lot she is not telling you, and shame on her for not having the decency to tell you what is really going on. Even worse, she gave you the old, "ot's not you, it's me" line. Do NOT remain friends with this selfish, cowardly, self-centered person. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 3:00:57 PM | ITA with accidentally in love. I would only add, that for me, I need the "why's and wherefores" or I will analyze it to death and spin like a top. I need the closure. I also hope to learn from what went wrong so I can try to avoid it in the future.
I really hate it when a friend asks why bf and I broke up and I have to say, "I don't know."
Hope you feel better soon, OP. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 3:11:26 PM | Dear Mister C,
I'm so sorry you went through that!  Six months is a considerable length of time to be unceremoniously dumped in a one paragraph email. You deserved much better than that...it's low class women like that who give us decent ones a bad rap.
I agree that you deserved more of a face to face explanation. I was in a similar situation, but the roles were reversed. I was dating a gentleman for nine months, and for personal reasons within the relationship I decided to end it. It was extremely painful for me as I loved this person very much. My point being, when I ended it, I sat him down face to face and as gently as I could, explained my position and why I was calling it quits. He was saddened greatly but understood where I was coming from. To this day we are friends and still talk with one another. After nine months of exclusive dating, I knew that he deserved FAR more than a cheesey email...or worse...the evil text message.
Hold your head up Mister C....you seem like a nice person and I'm sure there will be someone else out there for you who will treat with you the respect you deserve.
Blessings!
AJ | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 3:14:24 PM | Breaking up through email with the good old dear john letter tactic is pretty low. It sounds like she had something on the side.
I would want a woman to just tell me face to face, I don't think we should see each other anymore and tell me why. This shit about it's not you it's me is a poor excuse.
Chin up dude you deserve better. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 3:19:56 PM |
I am not angry. She's not into it anymore and that's fine. Life goes on. My questions are more about the lack of courage and/or class she displayed when ending the relationship. Considering the last six months I felt I deserve a bit more respect than she gave me. I doubt that there are many who will tell you she did just the right thing in the right way. Of course her behavior was 'lame.' Breaking up with someone in an email is insensitive and inconsiderate. But you know that, so what are you looking for, validation?
Seems to me you are lucky. This is not someone to pin one's hopes on in the long run. She is not someone who valued you and may be someone who doesn't treat people in general with respect or value, so you are just better off. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 3:23:51 PM |
To AJ,
That is the way it should be done for a person that has any values or compassion.
Thank you Namcazam!
AJ | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 8/24/2009
Msg: 40 | |
| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 3:35:15 PM |
What's your opinion on how she chose to end our relationship?
Assuming what you've said is a fair representation OP... thats pretty disgraceful.
IMO you deal with things in the context of the circumstances.
If its a face to face relationship... you do it face to face.
Since this is the net and there's variant types of relationships...
If you've had a telephone relationship that hasnt gone anywhere... by telephone it is.
If its been nothing more than an email "relationship" and you've decided its not going anywhere further to that... email it is.
Gotta admit there's only one breakup in my life that I dealt with badly. It was my first.
I was very confused and simply was too young (18) to understand that doing the breaking up... I really did have onus in offering the other person some validation as to the situation, my feelings, their feelings etc.
He hadnt done anything at all and deserved the courtesy of me being aware of him as well as my decision. I hurt him more by my actions than he deserved to be.
So after that relationship... I swore that whatever happened, Id give a man whatever he needed to move on and have managed to stay on good terms with all but two men since... however both those circumstances were exceptional and conditional to their behavior afterwards.
Im not talking about a situation like you feeling it necessary to question her lack of integrity like you did OP. Im talking of deliberately being harassed to the point of my distress.
Ive learned for some men... the blow to their ego in the face of rejection is too much for them to bear regardless of however you word it... they must save face... and so they feel the need to punish a woman for it till they decide they've "finished" with you
They have to find or manufacture a reason or scenario to hate a woman to degrade her to the point he felt at rejection... they must have conflict... before they'll let go.
The first guy was pre-diagnosed as *whatever*, on medication and under psychiatric care (although I didnt find that out til much later on)... the second guy's behavior was exactly reflective of the first and by his own admission was a situation he ran across repeatedly in his relationships with women and amongst his group of friends and work colleagues.
The personal cost to ridding my life of both those men, was an emotional rollercoaster, but ultimately worth it even if not incredibly sad.
And would I let those people's behavior dictate how I treat another man in the face of a breakup? Absolutely not.
No excuse.
Personally I feel it was a pretty lame way to go about this, and I told her so, to which she has taken great offense. I actually think it's ironic that she dumps me, and she's the one who gets angry.
Thats simply transference because you challenged her with what you said about her behavior. She'd rather take her hosility out on you for something she's done and dealt with badly than have to take responsibility for it because otherwise she has to face her conscience over it. ie. grow up.
For as ridiculous as this may sound...be grateful she's broken up with you... because if it was the other way around... with that emotional immaturity level... you're likely not to come out of it so unscathed.
And kudos to Aries Jade. Msg 35. Thats how you do it.
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 3:36:45 PM | In my experience, the person doing the dumping is the bad guy, no matter how humanely it's done. The person being dumped is just gonna be pissed, no matter what.
The last time I broke up with a guy, I did "research" so I would do it right, and hurt him as little as possible. Completely unacceptable, per him. I was lame, tacky, unethical. I felt the least I could do after a 5-month relationship was do it in person, but apparently, I did that all wrong. I came over to his place, sat him down, told him he was a great guy, but I was not ready to be in a serious relationship.
According to him, what I SHOULD have done, is go out for dinner with him one last time, and do it after we'd finished eating. And here I thought I was sparing him by not doing it in a public place.
Also, I was much too abrupt. I should have given him a chance to "win" me back. Hm, also thought I was being humane by making it clear that there was just nothing he could do, and no point in trying to drag it out.
Also, I was obviously seeing someone else and had been cheating on him for longer than we'd even been together. The prevailing male opinion on this thread notwithstanding, he coulding' have been further from the truth. I really, truly just wanted to be single. I've never been the kind to move from one guy to the next with no break. Hard to believe, I know!
So yeah, by the time all was said and done, I really wished I hadn't gone to so much trouble to try to do it right, because I don't think it would have made a bit of difference. I guess it's important for the dumpee to feel they've just dodged a bullet though, so it's easier to call your ex a horrible person based on the way they've dumped you, if nothing else. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 4:06:11 PM |
Women (and men) usually don't turn loose of the vine they're swinging from until they have another firmly in hand. "Usually" ??? Perhaps "sometimes" would be a better word. I myself have NEVER done this.. and I never will. Whether I've been the one to end it.. or he has been the one to end it, I need time to reflect and process and "cleanse" one completly from my heart and head before starting a new relationship.
If what you say is correct and the vine theory is USUALLY what occurs, then that would explain completely why most online relationship never last longer than the honeymoon period.. No one really gives themselves time to reflect and learn what their last relationship has taught them and they continue to make the same mistakes. *IMO of course. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 4:10:04 PM | I'd like to hear her side of the story first.
How you thought things were and how she thought things were--- obviously different pages.
I'd also want to know why she felt she couldn't talk openly with you.
Why did she feel one paragraph was enough?
"it's not you it's me" means it's you. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 4:21:28 PM | I am sorry you're disappointed in how she chose to behave. Accept she is not who you though she was.
Also, expect a contact from her in few weeks to give it another go.
Oh, well. Life goes on.
Best of luck!
:-) | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 4:26:21 PM | Here's a sample letter I wrote for you Mr OP
Dear ******** (put in her name).
I'm writing to thank you for ending our relationship. I suspect you've met someone else that is a more suitable match & I can fully understand that. Admittedly, I've been torn myself on dating you in recent weeks. I have to sheepishly admit that a few weeks ago I met "Steve" and..he's changed my life. Each time I see his rugged jaw & feel the prckles of his whiskers against my skin..I lose all thought of everything else. He envelopes me and nothing finishes my day like lying next to him listening to his heart beating. And I admit, I've been cowardly about how I did things. Two weeks ago, as Steve was pole dancing for me in a thong I realize what I was and what I wanted. I'm very sorry for leading you on and living a double life. I had to come clean; each time I was intimate with you, I was thinking of him.
All the best with your future
Love
(insert your name)
PS: He's also much tighter than you. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 4:43:23 PM | | I always do my best to look for the bright side in things. In this case it would be finding out, before you'd invested much more time and energy on her, what type of person she really is by the way she handled things when it came time to part ways. After 6 months you undoubtedly deserved more than a lame ass email. Just bear in mind that around 6 months is when some of that "honeymoon" phase of a relationship ends, and maybe that was what happened with her and she wasn't feeling it anymore. Regardless of her reasons, she showed her true colors, and that should be all the closure you need to put her in the rear view mirror. Be thankful for that much. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 4:54:05 PM | It could be worse. At least you got the confirmation that it's over from her and not some doctor at the free clinic.
Don't turn to POF for compassion - here you will be shredded no matter what. The Pope would get ripped a new one if he ever posted here... | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 5:11:58 PM |
Here's a sample letter I wrote for you Mr OP
Dear ******** (put in her name).
I'm writing to thank you for ending our relationship. I suspect you've met someone else that is a more suitable match & I can fully understand that. Admittedly, I've been torn myself on dating you in recent weeks. I have to sheepishly admit that a few weeks ago I met "Steve" and..he's changed my life. Each time I see his rugged jaw & feel the prckles of his whiskers against my skin..I lose all thought of everything else. He envelopes me and nothing finishes my day like lying next to him listening to his heart beating. And I admit, I've been cowardly about how I did things. Two weeks ago, as Steve was pole dancing for me in a thong I realize what I was and what I wanted. I'm very sorry for leading you on and living a double life. I had to come clean; each time I was intimate with you, I was thinking of him.
All the best with your future
Love
(insert your name)
PS: He's also much tighter than you.
LMAO!
Sounds like you had at least some inkling that something hasn't been quite right. I think she demonstrates a lack of courage in the area of honesty in her relationships because apparently, she said nothing was wrong. She lied...that much is obvious.
OP, I'm really sorry. I hate hearing tales like these. I hate that people just can't talk and say "hey, I'm needing to just get out of this and this is why..." without being so damn evil about it. It really leaves so many with a great lack of trust. It's like having the rug pulled out from under you even if it isn't a relationship with a great deal of longevity, still hurts like hell.
People who have the cajones to really say it like it is are the types I appreciate most. They may be a tad hard to take on some days but at least I can know that they have the balls to be direct and honest.
When things weren't going so well in my relationships, no matter how serious or how long term, I always informed them when things weren't feeling right and sought resolution before I jumped ship.
You'll find better OP. You'll also be wiser for it. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 5:21:39 PM | | The way she ended it speaks volumes about her character and where's shes at, not about what you deserved. You're right - you did deserve better. But at least you don't have to spend anymore of your time on someone who would wimp out like that. | |
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