~Kyn~
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Joined: 8/24/2009
Msg: 52 | |
| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 5:32:59 PM | Also, expect a contact from her in few weeks to give it another go.
Yup. Keep that in mind OP.
I can understand someone needing a little headspace... maybe your gal did... who knows... but...
... more often than not from what Ive seen somebody dumps someone else to take a shot at someone new.
Means they arent "cheating" by definition.
Personally Ive never done it... but have had it done to me.
They've then come "back"... and Ive literally and figuratively closed the door on all of them if thats been the case.
My ex also came back... and although he'd not been involved with anyone else...
... we were still unable to reconcile our marriage cos he just couldnt sort out either his head or emotions and was unable to verbalise it.
As for your gal... well ... if she does contact you again... it'll be up to you as to what you do.
And if I was you... Id atleast listen to know exactly why she did it as to whether or not it could be resolved. Might be a hurdle you both get over together.
Its about communication... both verbal and unspoken.
You said you noticed she backed off... and if her way of dealing with things is to withdrawl rather than bring you closer in her time of need you might as well forget it.
I break things off with anyone who displays behavior thats "backing off"... the objective is to take the pressure off them rather than me wondering whats going on and living in limbo because of whatever is going on in their head.
Its up to them to step up and talk about what their problem is... I'll be there... but otherwise it only puts you in a no-win situation...
Cos if you chase her to find out whats "wrong".... she'll resent you for it
And if you do nothing about it... then by all accounts... you dont "care"
^^^
Thats the scenario that happened with my ex and I and it snowballed from there.
And even though I already knew... in the end he realized it had absolutely nothing to do with me... that it was alllllll about him, what was going on in his head, his inability to communicate and the fears he had to face.
Only took him 5 years to figure it out. 
Another 7 to tell me he still loved me... Men... sheesh.... | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 5:52:31 PM | | Now that you've found people to agree with you that this woman wronged you and was a coward, do you feel vindicated? Ok, so she didn't break up with you the way you think she should have, at least she didn't slink away without a word leaving to wonder. That kind of behavior is low class. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:45:38 PM | Alright for everyone giving the op such a hard ass time think about it, you are with someone for 6 months and all of a sudden you get a little letter hey i don't want to be with you anymore have a nice life.
How would you take it?
maybe he wanted to know the truth as to why they broke up so maybe he can try to fix it? naw couldn't be, no one wants to try to fix things anymore anyway.
Maybe he does think she left him for another dude, that situation is a very prevalent one in america. What get stung by a bee a couple of times and keep wanting to play with them some more? kinda stupid especially if you see other people getting stung.
My point is that people hear so many excuses nowadays by people that make them so much you can compile a book or even worse you can accidently be trained to pick up on "escape excuses" men can only keep hearing its not you its me so long until they actually figure out that that is not quite the case.
I am not saying to don on the kiddy gloves but everyone trying to argue that we should know her side of the story well i can see that the op also wants to know her side of the story because a paragraph is certainly not a story by any means! | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 8:11:12 PM | Criss, no one is saying breaking up doesn't hurt. For most people it hurts like h#ll.
Sure sometimes people break up by email because they are chicken. Sometimes it's because the other person wouldn't listen to what they were being told and reject the writer's feelings. Some people break up by phone. Some just disappear. At least a text, a letter or an email is some kind of goodbye. It's a whole lot better than the disappearing act. However, even with the disappearing act the fact remains - that person is gone. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 8:24:59 PM |
Lately (like the last 3 weeks) she seems to cool off to the whole relationship but consistently says nothing's wrong.
Did you "ask" her over and over again what was wrong? That can be unnerving. Can be a bit needy and cloistering. JMO because I saw the word "consistantly".
Monday I get an email that says "we need to talk". She tells me (in the same email) that she hasn't found the time to talk to me about whatever is bothering her. (Which is nonsense since we spent all of the morning before together and spoke on the phone the same evening for over 20 minutes).
Did you bother her all day wanting to know what the talk was about? Some people can't be patient. Just making some assumptions.
That night I get a ONE PARAGRAPH email that says "I just want to be friends" and essentially "it's not you it's me", (thank you George Costanza).
Then, be friends. Something happened and she backed off. If you are patient, grasshoppa, one day she will come to you and tell you. Maybe sooner than later.
Breathe, and stand back. If it was that good, she will miss you. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/24/2009 8:58:45 PM | I can fully relate to your story.
In May 1976, I was invited over to a friend's house. She was setting me up on a blind date. I met the guy and deep down, I said to myself, "He's not for you Darlene". He walked me home, I said good night. When he got home he called me right away. We talked for a bit on the phone. He was a nice, so easy to talk.
The next day he's at my door early in the morning. What the heck!!! He borrowed his friend's car and drove me to work. Wow!! I didn't have to take the bus. That afternnon, he shows up at my work with his friend's car and dries me home. Ok I'm impressed this guy is easy to talk to and nice. Hmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!
This goes for over a week. One day right after lunch a large bouquet of flowers comes into my office. The driver says, Is there a Darlene D****r in this office. WHAT!! flowers for me. Nobody has ever sent me flowers.
Well this went on for several months and yes even though I did not want to have anything to do with this guy I fell head over heels in love with him. Three months after we met, he moved in, 3 months later he proposed to me. Wow!! I'm getting married. We have 3 wonderful children. It seems every year our love for each other grows stronger and stronger. We had a lot of ups and downs. But I loved him unconditionally. There was nothing he could do wrong. He loved me, he cared for me, I was a lucky woman. This went on for 30 years. The love was just as strong as in the beginning and sometimes even stronger. That man spoiled me and gave the world, not in materialistic stuff, but in his heart.
One day on June 28, 2007, I come home from work, and my daughter is there waiting for me. What the heck is she doing there. I walk into the family room and the furniture is gone. I run upstairs, and all his belongings are gone. I run into the office and his computer and desk are gone. I see a note on my keyboard. It was letter ending our marriage. I fall to the floor, screaming, no,no, no. I cried all night, and yes I'm still crying.
That was the most devestating day in my life. It was like a cop had come to the house and said, "your husband got killed in car crash". I don't get it, the night before we were holding hands watching "The Waltons" . Of all shows, THE WALTONS!!!! A show full of compassion and love for each other. After the show we went to bed together, in the morning he woke up, showered and drressed for work like he always did, and gave me his goodbye kiss, I'll see you tonight dear!!! Have a good day. I Love you!! And then I come home from work and he's gone.
I had panic attacks, anxiety attacks, I read all the self help books to try and figure what I did wrong, how I could have been a better person. I prayed for God to bring him back. I lost 20 lbs in a month. Didn't eat or sleep for 3 months. I was like a different person. Even a single man I barely know came up to me in August 07 and said, It's not worth it. I looked at him and said "You don't what happened so how can you say that.
Yes I'm finally getting over what he did to me. I'm not there yet but doing much better.
You're not angry yet but you will be. It's part of the LOVESHOCK one goes through when they loose someone they truly love that abandons them. The longer the relationship the longer it will take you to travel through your loveshock. Don't rush because you'll just get hurt again.
I feel your pain, mine MAY have been worse because of the years we were involved, the fact that we had kids together, BUT none the less it's very painful loosing someone you love.
I don't wish this upon anyone. Is love worth this.
D | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 12:20:18 AM |
According to him, what I SHOULD have done, is go out for dinner with him one last time, and do it after we'd finished eating. And here I thought I was sparing him by not doing it in a public place.
^^^^^I read that post totally wrong.^^^^^^^
I'm sorry to hear all of the posts of breakups however they were delivered.
OP: In most cases, in person would be the most respectful way to deliver the bad news. I can think of situations where it might not be, such as a person who might be violent, vindictive or not take no for an answer. In these cases their own previous actions could have caused the impersonal message.
I had a girlfriend once that decided to break up with me to be with my best friend. The Best friend and girlfriend both gave me the news simultaneously in person. It was awkward. I would have rather got the news by email. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 5:28:45 AM |
And kudos to Aries Jade. Msg 35. Thats how you do it.
Thank you ~kyn~!
I never could understand how people can treat others so callously...especially those with whom an intimate relationship had been formed.
AJ | |
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elenic
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Joined: 5/30/2009
Msg: 61 | |
| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 8:15:16 AM | its best to not let the " other half " know you are bothered.
move on, there are other, better, kinder, more caring, more sincere, more honest, more genuine people out there.
even if it does hurt to split its better to TRY and forget and move on, dont look back.
This is the best advice ever. Really... it's easy to agonize over it , but it is really best to move on.
I am out of a 5-month relationship. The way it ended was NOT pretty. I can sit here and dwell on it, but in the end there is really not really a great way to end something. Someone will always get hurt. Sure you can end things politely or in person and this is always better. But in the end it still hurts to have a split whether you are on the giving or receiving end.
Honestly I do think there are kinder, more caring, more honest and geniune people out there just a the poster said. When you find one you will forget all about the jerk that dumped you via email.
I am just trying to move past my last relationship, learn from it and stop focusing on how it coudl have ended better The guy was a jerk and not for me... so don't look back. Only look forward. It was a learning experience. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 8:30:20 AM | Regardless of the situation, in my view the way she ended it was just poor form.
It wasn't a few dates, it was six months.
Even if there was potential for a scene, when did people become such cowards?
People deserve the dignity of the truth, unfortunately too many people don't have any dignity. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 8:35:47 AM |
Regardless of the situation, in my view the way she ended it was just poor form.
It wasn't a few dates, it was six months.
Even if there was potential for a scene, when did people become such cowards?
People deserve the dignity of the truth, unfortunately too many people don't have any dignity. Totally agree, as always!! | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 9:46:57 AM | What difference does it make how she ended it? The fact is she did.. and she just didn't slink off without saying a word to you. Would you feel completely healed from the demise of the relationship if she sat you down face to face? Likely, no you wouldn't. You'd still feel the pain. I'd suggest you work on coming to terms with the fact it has ended, rather than worrying about HOW she ended it and, be grateful that she gave you a form of closure.
If you're looking for possible reasons why she ended it by email then the possibilities are practically endless however; without knowing you perhaps she feared how you would react and thought it would be easier on both of you to do it that way. Maybe she's weak of character and it was easier for her to do something she knew would hurt you and didn't have the strength to do it face-to-face and have to witness your pain. Doesn't matter Op.. concentrate on getting through the dissapointment the ending has caused you ~ forget about how she ended it, it really doesn't matter. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 9:53:44 AM |
What's your opinion on how she chose to end our relationship?
Lame and cowardly.
After how things were between us for over six months, don't you think I deserved a bit more than a one paragraph email?
Yes - out of respect and maturity.
Personally I feel it was a pretty lame way to go about this, and I told her so, to which she has taken great offense. I actually think it's ironic that she dumps me, and she's the one who gets angry.
Agree. In addition I think there is more to her story and you're missing a few chapters.
I'm sorry OP...this sucks wind.
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 9:54:50 AM | Was definitley an un-classy move, but just be happy that you didn't get engaged,married and even worse...have a child witht his woman. Alot of us out here have actually married and had children with people like this...atleast you get to just walk away with some hurt feelings.
If I was you...if your relationships haven't been working just try doing the exact opposite of what you thought was the right thing to do in a situation.....that's what Constanza would do:) | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 10:29:24 AM | The irony is that she more than likely 'learned' the technique from one of two sources....or both....
She either.... learned it from A GUY!! And after discussing with her female friends how COWARDLY it was when SHE was the recipient of such a parting gift....learned that the reason guys did it in the first place was to avoid having their FACES ripped off when wanting to do it the old fashioned 'chivalrous' way..... So...she, in fact, saw how effective the method TRULY IS in ridding somebody THAT fast.....
Or.....she learned it from an episode of Sex And The City.....where all FOUR girls talk about how tactless it was when a guy did it on a POST IT NOTE..... of course calling the man a 'coward' because....well....he tried it the old fashioned way at one time too....but realized it wasn't worth the drama or getting his FACE RIPPED TO SHREDS......
So....in either way..... it's now nice to see that women can actually learn something POSITIVE from a guy........ | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 1:28:42 PM | wait so how is her learning how to ninja a breakup a positive thing to learn in the first place?
the point is is that no one is taking responsibility for anything
I remember some commercial and the commercial went like this:
don't like your house, get a NEW ONE.
don't like your job, get a NEW ONE.
don't like your spouse, get a NEW ONE.
so now human beings are nothing more than just disposable??
so what will you do when you are the disposable one? | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 1:43:33 PM | I can tell what's NOT a positive thing.
Harping and dwelling on something that you can't change.
He got dumped.
It wasn't pleasant.
He can't change it.
Move on for pete's sake.
Why give someone else control over your emotions or reactions?
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 3:16:24 PM | She just may be worn the hell out. Especially if she was alone for a while before she met you and had her own life. I had been alone for many, many years before I began dating again, and I can say, my new SO wears me the heck out. I had the sense to say I can't see you and talk to you as much as I do and keep my sanity. I also advised that things would still stay the same between us and we are still together, and it isn't a problem with him or the relationship, but that I need more time out of the day, week, month to do the things I know make me happy and contribute to my health and sanity.
Some people take pulling back as a sign to mean they are not interested in your anymore, it can actually be the opposite, it can mean, like it did in my case, that I am trying to work out a lifestyle I can maintain over the long term. Some people feel the stress of the new relationship and don't have the sense to realize they need more time for their lives and themselves and just need to learn to make that clear. It can mean disinterest, but my advise remains the same, see below.
I could be wrong, but I would just be casual about it. Don't bug her, don't email her, don't phone her constantly. Don't “try to work it out”. Leave it alone. If it's really as good as you say it was then she will want to come back to you after she has had a rest.
In the meantime, move on, but don't date, you need at least a few months rest in order to recover emotionally, you are going to be comparing every woman to this one, and until you can stop doing that you aren't ready to date. And if a good rest and a time to collect her thoughts and get her life back in order was all she really needed and things work out, then all the better. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 3:23:46 PM | Well, yeah it is pretty lame. But taking offense does no good. Honestly, it was probably all she was capable of..I'm guessing on that. Have you ever had to tell somebody something or had to do something /face something that you really , really didn't want to ..or were uncomfortable with? I'm guessing that what she did. She took the low road. It happens. Possibly might mean that you weren't quite as compatible as you thought..and maybe you're better off.
I don't mean anything by this. I have a HUGE fairness gene. But lately, the last 5 years or so..I've found that being deserving of something and reality are not only two different things, but something that is much better when you don't take it personally. It's easier (to me anyway) to realize that is just where they are at this point & time and let it go..and worry about your own self. I spend a lot less time being indignant and a lot more time having fun now =) But you are right, ending it that way was pretty lame. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 3:47:18 PM | The same thing recently happened to me: dumped by email. COWARDS!
You have every right to be angry for being dumped so callously by someone you loved and trusted. I believe that, once you've been intimate with someone, you deserve a face-to-face explanation/discussion.
It will be hard to trust again, but if you want love in your life, you'll have to. Conflict resolutions skills and open communication is key. Don't give up! and all the best to you. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 3:49:49 PM | If you knocked the bottom out of it,you couldnt get rid of her.But,its ok enyway.Let her go,move on.:)  | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 4:47:45 PM | Here's an interesting question in response to your query OP - What do you feel you were obligated to receive in the way of "ending the relationship"?
There seems a presumption of obligation that you feel toward this lady. And yet you claim to have been so in sync as to share the same brain. You sensed something was amiss, and when she agreed and wrote to you - you feel some how gypped what was owed?
After how things were between us for over six months, don't you think I deserved a bit more than a one paragraph email?
What do YOU feel you were deserving or owed?
She's not into it anymore and that's fine. Life goes on
Ok, if that's how you feel what's the big deal? She told you she's done and not into it with you, so what more were you hoping to hear from her?
My questions are more about the lack of courage and/or class she displayed when ending the relationship. Considering the last six months I felt I deserve a bit more respect than she gave me.
This is what you feel. But you're rather speaking of an intangible that you feel you deserve and are owed.
What exactly is owed to you after 6 months of casual dating and getting to know each other when one is no longer interested?
Money?
Sex?
A Hallmark card?
Cookies?
A all expenses paid vacation?
Just wondering....and what ab0ut at 3 months? 9 months? 12 months?
Interesting topic!
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 4:59:10 PM | My wife of 4 years left me by leaving a letter on the coffee table.
A year later a g/f of 5mos left with a text message.
Earlier this year a g/f of a few months just stop responding. No explanation at all.
They all have an interesting thing in common. They all had tried to end it in one way or another before this but I "convinced" them not to. Hindsight is pretty interesting. If I had "let" them end it on their terms they would not have had to break up in such a "rude" way at the end.
Trust me it's not like I knew that this is what I did. I asked the same question "why would someone that loved me break up with me in such a heartless manner?"
I am not saying that this is what you did but I didn't realize at the time that either so maybe if you step back and focus on your role instead of worrying about how she did it maybe you will see some of the same things.
JMO | |
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