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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 4:47:45 PM | Here's an interesting question in response to your query OP - What do you feel you were obligated to receive in the way of "ending the relationship"?
There seems a presumption of obligation that you feel toward this lady. And yet you claim to have been so in sync as to share the same brain. You sensed something was amiss, and when she agreed and wrote to you - you feel some how gypped what was owed?
After how things were between us for over six months, don't you think I deserved a bit more than a one paragraph email?
What do YOU feel you were deserving or owed?
She's not into it anymore and that's fine. Life goes on
Ok, if that's how you feel what's the big deal? She told you she's done and not into it with you, so what more were you hoping to hear from her?
My questions are more about the lack of courage and/or class she displayed when ending the relationship. Considering the last six months I felt I deserve a bit more respect than she gave me.
This is what you feel. But you're rather speaking of an intangible that you feel you deserve and are owed.
What exactly is owed to you after 6 months of casual dating and getting to know each other when one is no longer interested?
Money?
Sex?
A Hallmark card?
Cookies?
A all expenses paid vacation?
Just wondering....and what ab0ut at 3 months? 9 months? 12 months?
Interesting topic!
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 4:59:10 PM | My wife of 4 years left me by leaving a letter on the coffee table.
A year later a g/f of 5mos left with a text message.
Earlier this year a g/f of a few months just stop responding. No explanation at all.
They all have an interesting thing in common. They all had tried to end it in one way or another before this but I "convinced" them not to. Hindsight is pretty interesting. If I had "let" them end it on their terms they would not have had to break up in such a "rude" way at the end.
Trust me it's not like I knew that this is what I did. I asked the same question "why would someone that loved me break up with me in such a heartless manner?"
I am not saying that this is what you did but I didn't realize at the time that either so maybe if you step back and focus on your role instead of worrying about how she did it maybe you will see some of the same things.
JMO | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 5:04:45 PM | | In your opinion you think you are compatible with her and see no wrong for the relationship ever going wrong. Well you are wrong! Anything can trigger a perfectly okay relationship and there is nothing you can do about it. Hormones can play a part in it, family troubles, every day frustrations, mental, not into you either sexual or personality, blah, blah,... So she ended it and thats it, accept whatever it is and not brew over nothing. You don't need an answer, it will not help. Don't beg for respect either, its done...move on. At your age for pete's sakes move on! LOL | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 5:08:57 PM | How (not?) to end a relationship.
OP Never end the relationship by telling her you slept with her best friend.
Never end the relationship by telling her she got to Fat.
Never end the relationship by telling her She's not woman enough for you.
Never end the relationship by telling her She's Not need & being replaced.
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 5:11:31 PM | dont start a relationship in the first place.
to start one will mean it could also end.
no relationship= no heartache.
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/25/2009 7:35:05 PM | | You think that is bad. I was seeing this 61 year old guy from temecula for a couple of months, and he was really into the relationship and saying how wonderful and kind I am, etc. Suggesting vacation plans, etc. He was at my home every weekend, then he went back to college for a new career move, a few miles from where I live. We talked one time during that week because my mother and brother both passed away on the same day, and two days after their passing I received an email from him stating that he's still in love with his ex and needed time alone. Yet, he's still searching on POF almost daily, and when I asked him why he's still search, he states that he has several "friends" that he has to respond to. He also added a new picture showing his 50 pounds weight loss. Oh, he also claims to be compassionate and spiritual man...hmmmm! | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/26/2009 1:02:00 PM | You can call her choice of a breakup rude, callous, downright ruthless until you're blue in the face, the fact remains, she still broke up with you. You have to move on! Sorry, but that's the God's honest truth here! Period. People do things that are just plain rude, crude, and socially unacceptable - chances are you've done the same thing a time or two in your lifetime. Put your big boy boxers and get back on the horse!
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/26/2009 8:03:37 PM | but consistently says nothing's wrong
Wait wait wait... were you asking her "Whats wrong" I can envision it now... baby whats the matter... whats wrong... wah wah wah.
But I digress... she's a dumb cvnt.
Just be glad you didn't marry her. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/26/2009 11:59:54 PM | My opinion is that she is weak.
Anyone who would just drop a left-hook on you like that from out of the blue isn't someone who has too much compassion in their heart.
Her getting "angry" is merely her efforts to paint herself as the victim in what she did to you. Its the standard operating procedure these days with a lot of women who flake out for one reason or another and at one point in time or another in a relationship. It's a defense mechanism.
Unfortunately, you grew to care for a shallow excuse for a human being. She used you and possibly thought she found greener pastures upon which to graze. Individuals like that are beyond redemption.
The bright side is likely someone like that will find themselves cold, unloved and weeded-out in life. Their punishment is themselves.
How do I know this? My ex did the same thing to me and with just as much callousness towards my feelings. To some women these days, men have to meet exacting standards (which change from day to day), and if we don't, they have no qualms about eliminating what they perceive as "dead weight," in their continuing quest for emancipation from patriarchy.
Vot a Country. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/27/2009 12:01:10 AM | Better that she leaves NOW.
NOW vs. when you're married (maybe w/ kids) and then............
She suddenly moves her stuff out, w/o discuession. She claims that she is gonna start school in another city (more than a 100 miles away) cause, she wants a "better job."
She continues to say, "I love you." All the while the phone calls get less frequent. Then........maybe, she'll come home for the weekend. But she'll disappear w/ "friends." Or, she'll come home for the weekend and it turns out to be only a few hours. Because, there are important things coming up (back in the other city or at school).
All the while she wants more money. Because, she is/was running short (rent, elec. bill, water bill, food, furnishing the apt., etc....). Maybe, you'll end up exhausting the "Family Savings Account." Afterall, she's your wife and she's going to school to get a better job for the family's sake.
BUT THEN............
You findout (after the $ is all gone)...........that, she actually took an apartment with another man, months earlier.
Oh well.
Aloha, Mark | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/27/2009 12:01:56 AM | | He's owed some honesty, compassion and her being straightforward. She was none of the above...she was feigning being angry, in fact, in an effort to deflect from the crappy way SHE handled HIM. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/27/2009 5:45:22 AM | Hi,
Sorry to hear things ended that way. It doesn't sound like she has given you an opportunity for adequate closure. I went through something similar a few years back and yes even a 6 month relationship can bring you to your knees emotionally, if one begins to have visions of the future with that person.
I'm not a therapist, however assuming all is as you explained it, it sounds like she was really into the relationship and kind of turned on a dime, if you will. You know her best, so if you suspect that she may have had some emotional intimacy issues, I might recommend a book that is excellent on the issue. By the way, emotional intimacy issues are pretty common. The book is called The Dance of Intimacy and I do not know the author, but it has tribal people dancing on the cover. It is about how people run from relationships because the intimacy is just too much or scary to handle.
If you don't suspect this is the problem, then please disregard this recommendation. However, I'm sure it will help someone out there.
Regardless, I feel you pain and the most important thing that will be of help is to know that you are not alone as most if not all of us have been through the pain of a rough break up. For me going to the gym for cardiovascular exercise every night was very helpful in handling the negative feelings.
Best wishes | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/27/2009 8:13:32 AM | | Assuming that the relationship really was as great as you say, for that period of time... She was wrong! A coward! Do your best to get over her and move on. Best of luck! | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/27/2009 8:19:14 AM | | After 6 months? By E-Mail or text message is real bad after 6 months. I can imagine worse though, what if she chartered a plain to skywrite: WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE or something? | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/27/2009 10:49:21 AM |
Her getting "angry" is merely her efforts to paint herself as the victim in what she did to you How can you be so sure? You were'nt there and we're only hearing one side of the story.. Perhaps her getting angry was in response to Op's reaction and it was neccessary for her to get angry so that he would accept her decision.. There's always two sides.. or three. His, hers, the actual truth. | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/27/2009 12:48:27 PM | OP
I suggest that you embrace that inner jerk that lies deep inside all of us ,and go fvck
as many of her girlfriends as you possibly can. Just think of it as therapy.Nothing says
I've moved on and you will rember me like screwing her girlfriends.Oh, and if you let it
slip that she gave you crabbs and that you may not have got tham all should really
stir up her litterbox.
Heal yourself and go find a better one.
Hawk | |
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| How (not?) to end a relationship
Posted: 9/28/2009 11:55:44 AM | I posted "Women (and men) usually don't turn loose of the vine they're swinging from until they have another firmly in hand.
Accidentally in Love responded with:
Also totally untrue!
I don't believe in double dipping.
The only people who do that are the ones that can't stand to be alone with themselves for any length of time.
And who wants them?
Just because you don't believe in it, doesn't mean people like that don't exist. Otherwise you wouldn't have inquired "The only people...who wants them?"
Maybe the short term of this relationship didn't deserve the Tarzan theory, but it can't be disregarded because it was a dating thing and not a LTR or marriage. Take any example of couples who've been married or in a LTR who suddenly break up. Look at those relationships over the course of even a month after the breakup and I bet $1 that the dumpee has a prospective partner that 'dropped out of the sky' shortly after the split. There's more people like this than even they themself want to admit. No one wants to be 'the bad guy'.
wishes granted says
"Usually" ??? Perhaps "sometimes" would be a better word. I myself have NEVER done this.. and I never will. Whether I've been the one to end it.. or he has been the one to end it, I need time to reflect and process and "cleanse" one completly from my heart and head before starting a new relationship.
If what you say is correct and the vine theory is USUALLY what occurs, then that would explain completely why most online relationship never last longer than the honeymoon period.. No one really gives themselves time to reflect and learn what their last relationship has taught them and they continue to make the same mistakes. *IMO of course.
OK, fair enough, 'sometimes' then, but MHO, it certainly isn't limited to online dating.
Good thing POF isn't a dating site. 
I would also ask you to think about real people you know and think back about the ones that ended abruptly, without even their closest friends suspecting anything was amiss. Then, a miracle occurs and the one who broke it off has a 'friend' that is eeeased into the fold of old friends. This is all a charade to avoid their contemporaries thinking badly of them for screwing around on 'Joe' or 'Sally'.
There truly is something to be said about those who are not lonely when alone. Long term relationships are comfortable, and as long as it keeps trudging on, I think it's human nature to stay in that comfort zone than arbitrarily break it off. It's much easier for those people to make the jump if they're mad at the other OR has another 'waiting in the wings' telling them how wonderful life would be with them instead.  | |
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