| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/24/2009 4:58:37 PM | I do believe you've outdone yourself, Farceur ...
(climbing back up onto my chair from the floor, still holding my sides!) | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/24/2009 5:13:05 PM |
At our age, I think that all this can happen within a year, provided that both parties are open, honest and upfront.
The clock is ticking.....ding dong the witch is dead.....reasonable.........YOU SAID REASONABLE ............MY PRETTY..........
Hell, I'm gonna know within the first 10 nano seconds whether or not I'm going to marry him...........how's that for reasonable? | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/24/2009 7:09:56 PM |
Is this a reasonable thought/timeline?
Yah right...maybe in a perfect world.....
What's the rush OP? It's not like your thirty-something and your biological clock is ticking.
Personally I would not want to get involved with somebody who had an agenda such as yours. | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/24/2009 9:39:13 PM |
How does a few (2) weeks of email exchanges, a few (2) weeks of phone exchanges, a few (2) months of dating (i.e. going out, seeing how the other person interacts with strangers, etc.) then the 'exclusivity' talk (and all the 'benefits' that entails). The long term stage would be when you introduce each other to family and friends, and start making plans for the future.
Here is my take on it :
2 weeks of E-mail followed by 2 weeks of phone calls - way too long before the first face to face meeting/date. A few e-mails over a few days (2-3) followed by a couple phone calls over a day or 2, then meet in person. Very little can be discovered and known about a person until to meet in real life.
2 months of dating followed then becoming exclusive (I assume one of the benefits you refer to is sex at this point) - Could be reasonable timing, but, the fact that you seem to be refering to sex as a 'benefit' is an issue right off the bat for me.
If I am correct in my interpretation of what you are saying, you seem to perceive sex as something to give to a guy as a benefit instead of a mutually enjoyable act between 2 people with NO other motives except that they both like it and want to do it with each other at that time. | |
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jbogie
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Joined: 9/30/2008
Msg: 30 | |
| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/24/2009 10:31:37 PM |
"I am looking for a permanent long term relationship. One that starts with e-mails, progresses to friends first, then dating and finally a committed long term relationship.
where's the sex? you left out sex!!!!!!
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/25/2009 5:12:03 AM |
Hell, I'm gonna know within the first 10 nano seconds whether or not I'm going to marry him...........how's that for reasonable?
Some ladies don't even have to meet you to know they are going to marry you.......javascript:smilie(' ') | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/25/2009 5:13:39 AM |
where's the sex? you left out sex!!!!!!
No she didn't. But she does wonder why things did not work out...... | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/25/2009 7:06:09 AM |
If I am correct in my interpretation of what you are saying, you seem to perceive sex as something to give to a guy as a benefit instead of a mutually enjoyable act between 2 people with NO other motives except that they both like it and want to do it with each other at that time.
I can only speak for myself but I'm going to say your interpretation is incorrect. I'm assuming the OP is using "benefit" in the same way I would use it -- that being sex is one of the benefits of a relationship so it IS mutual; not that sex is only a benefit which women bestow upon men (in an effort to exhibit control over them). However, I have no doubt that some women do operate that way so I can't say you're being delusional or paranoid. It's just a shame that having been exposed to such behavior you now are doing what so many men accuse women of doing -- lumping all members of one gender into the same category and believing they all think the same way and do the same things.
But if the two people involved have laid the groundwork, done their homework, and remembered the foregoing cautions - then screw timetables. Do what feels right.
This I can get behind. I think it's fine for an individual to have a plausible guideline in mind but it is not necessary to put it in writing, make it an unbendable rule, and expect others to agree with and adhere to it or that they themselves cannot amend it. Without
spontaneity you might not have combustion.   | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/25/2009 7:39:15 AM | How can you chart your course before you even know the wind conditions on the water...................me thinks you would need to wait till your on the water before you decide.... if your dancing in tomorrow with your brain who is making the decisions for today. if you focus on the destination to much do you not miss the sights getting there.
i enjoy the entire trip....meeting all the people i can along the way and simplyhaving the oppertunity to participate in this thing called life. is thatnot the top of the graditude pile for me....indeed...two thumbs up!!!
do not know about others.....goodluck to every lil fish!
edit..my spacebar sucks however | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/25/2009 7:47:33 AM | Well OP - if that's what you want it's completely reasonable...and I'm sure there are people out there that would find it reasonable also. I think we can't worry about what "everyone" else wants - because if we were acting in any way other than what is being true to ourselves - how can we find a match?
For ME - your description would be a turn off, because it sounds so "thought out" and regimented. I think I can pretty much say that every relationship, or even second date, started out and progressed in very different ways. You sound so logical - and I follow my heart, and my intuition. There were a couple of people I would have committed to in a few days - because even if you don't know the details of someone's life, sometimes, rarely, you find a connection to their soul that is deep, and true...and that's enough. | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/25/2009 7:55:02 AM | ...and what makes you think your posts are so special?...lol
op...
it may fit your ideal to neatly caterogise your dating expectations...
but people have been known to fall in love almost instantly...
maybe you should relax your criteria a little. | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/25/2009 8:56:22 AM | I didn't read all the post, because I rarely do.
But anyways...I don't understand the need for a schedule.
I don't have a schedule, plan or agenda.
I figure I meet someone and we either spend the rest of
our lives together or we don't.
Of course it starts with an email...how else do we communicate
here?
Of course we're going to be friends, I've yet to start a relationship
with someone I didn't like. In fact, I don't even hang around with
people I don't like.
If we start getting together, of course we're going to be dating.
And if we keep on dating or hanging around each other
for a long time VOILA we have a long term relationship.
How the heck did everything become SO complicated?
I figure I can fall in love with someone in 10 minutes or 10 years.
People need to relax and go with the flow and stop building
freaking dams at every little bend in the river.
But that's just my opinion...what the heck do I know...I'm here too.
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/25/2009 9:04:21 AM | | You sound so sane, browneyesboo, are you sure you are in the right forum? | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/25/2009 9:06:15 AM | Gee, you left out phone calls, imming, text messaging etc.
Why do you feel to put a 'time limit' on how things progress?
My thoughts are that you're caught up in a time limit thing.
Why not just take things one day at a time and stop being so constricted? | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/25/2009 10:35:22 AM | Of course it could happen as you've thought it out...and yes it's reasonable. I'm a bit hung up why you've projected this on a timeline...and thinking through it. What's the hurry?
Different people create differing synergies between them. You could have two relationships in your life and fondly look back on them as both being equally part of some of the best times of your life for exactly the the same reasons. Each though will have had origins and a timeline all their own.
With this new guy-to-be...why not let the 'process' be a mystery of sorts and something that unfolds organically and simply 'is'? | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/25/2009 10:56:55 AM |
Of course it could happen as you've thought it out...and yes it's reasonable. I'm a bit hung up why you've projected this on a timeline .. Believe it or not there are people who are not in a rush and would appreciate it if someone sort of laid things out as to say ..."Hey, I'm not in a rush here. If you need to take your time, I can do that too."
You know ... there are many men who honestly have no intention whatsoever to EVER totally get together with a woman again. They are perfectly fine with wining and dining and bedding women, but just do not want to have such a committed relationship anymore.
Is it wrong for a person to think that it could progress to a (say) "move-in" situation in a reasonable amount of time? Some people (men and women alike) just get comfortable in one stage or another of a relationship and just never move forward.
People are too hung up on the "time line" thing and not seeing what the OP might really be saying. I think the OP has basically just said that she is wanting a relationship that progresses to commitment and togetherness. What's wrong with that? | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/25/2009 11:15:34 AM | If someone is looking for a long term relationship and they find someone they like,
what sort of relationship would they have that wouldn't progress to commitment and togetherness?
I'm seriously feeling like I'm from a different planet here.
If I'm looking for a relationship, and I meet someone that I can honestly see
myself in a relationship with...I don't want to wait for years and years to progress
from commitment and togetherness. Heck I don't even want to wait months.
I think people know when they meet whether or not they can see themselves with
this person. Nobody ever says "I want to take things slow" "I want to be friends first"
"I'm not in a hurry" I'm not going to settle" to someone that they are excited to have
met and can honestly see themselves with.
The only people who say that are the wishy washy ones, the ones that think you
could be okei, maybe I can change him/her, maybe he/she will change,and even though they want a relationship, they're just not sure they
want a relationship with you.
Why waste time with these people?
What's the rush and what's the hurry?
My question would be, what the heck are you waiting for?
Fishes should get together with Monster.com. It seems they are both in the business
of finding jobs for people. Profiles are starting to look like resumes and job offers.
What the heck is up with that?
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/25/2009 11:55:22 AM | My very first boyfriend, I knew the minute I met him that I wanted to be with him. I was 15. It took three years of us being friends (he was a bit older than me) for us to date. We were together for 7 years.
Now that I am 50, I really don't want to wait three years. Life is short. I've seen friends die in their 30's, 40's, 50's from natural causes. All I have is today. Although I don't want to move in with someone in a week or marry them in a month, I don't want to abide by some arbitrary rules to wait for x number of weeks, months, years. What for? I could be dead tomorrow.
When it happens, it happens. If I meet someone and he needs more time, so be it. But, I'm not going to impose some type of structured arrangement to guarantee emotional safety. For me, life is too short to plan out something that should be filled with joy, happiness, and excitement. Planning is for my shopping list.
However, everyone is welcome to approach dating as they see fit. | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/25/2009 12:40:06 PM | ^^^ I was told in 2002 that I had 40 % chance to live 5 years, for those 5 years I waited to die...it didnt happen. I thought dang now what do I do?
I want to live each moment, I want passion, I want someone who wants to embrace life not run from it. I want someone who isnt jaded by what has happened in life, Im not jaded and I refuse to become jaded. I want someone who isnt afraid to live outside of the nonsense rules...like the 3/4 date rule...or call after this many emails, etc.
What would be right for us as a couple might not be right for someone else...I dont care about what is right for other couples....the whole concept of normal means average so if you have to live your life by what average or what" most" would do you wouldnt be man enough for me. I want someone who realizes this first and foremost there are no rules that will apply...we wont need them. | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/25/2009 1:08:08 PM | "I guess I'm wondering when do you decide that enough is enough. I dated a guy for 7 months who I feel never made me a priority in his life. Guessin' I should have bailed after 3-4 months and not wasted my time."
Ok... start with I wouldn't put the projection in my profile because it would send most men I know running for the hills... total turn off. No point. You need to know your 'ballpark' for you and I wouldn't be precise about it cause relationships do not follow a formula.
That being said, any relationship not progressing is deteriorating. I stayed in my last one way way way way ... ad infinatum way ... too long because I 'gave my word.' Truth to tell we can tell when they are not 'that into' us ... we just drag our feet admitting it... or at least I did and I hear it often enough. | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/25/2009 1:21:41 PM | | I totally agree with you browneyesboo. If I had waited for 6 months or more just to date, I would not never have gotten married. Life is too short to put a timetable on finding a relationship. Life is wayyyyyyyy tooo short! | |
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| time lines????
Posted: 9/26/2009 6:36:25 AM | for all of you with these 'time-lines'....
what do you do when you meet someone and there is some chemistry there? Then you act on it and move in a different manner than:
a) the way you were raised to be acting properly (get mama outta your head)
b) against what your faith believes ( well,..... I'm not a virgin anymore.....good girls cant respond like I really want to respond because he might think I am a hussy)
c) the time line you have that is your script for proper gentlemanly or ladylike behavior and the proper timeline of how a relationship should progress.
and THEN you date a while and THEN it falls apart and THEN you have regrets on remembering your behavior when you first met.
guys/gals............. quit the what-if scenerios. we are too old for those to really think they work. every situation is unique. every first meet is different and full of opportunities if only you can see them.
Relax. Enjoy life NOW. maybe re-evaluate the rules you used to live by and see what you can change to make more opportunites in your life.
and women...... quit trying to be the one in control. quit with the 'superior wife/female syndrome'. (great article in the October 2009 Redbook magazine) (spoken from a past superior wife - and it didnt work for me!)
maybe my half-full optomisim that I have had all my life is really 3/4 full to the positive now.... and it is a fantastic way to live life, look at the world, and enjoy life. | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/26/2009 8:13:40 AM |
One that starts with e-mails, progresses to friends first, then dating and finally a committed long term relationship.
Um.. how do we get to be friends if we're not dating first? Do I have to email you and talk to you on the phone so long that we consider ourselves friends before we start dating? That won't happen.
Being friends and lovers is certainly an admirable goal, but I would hope that is happening in parallel.
As already stated, I think laying out a time-line is fruitless. My best relationships heated up fast. Of course, some of my worst ones also heated up fast. I care little how quickly they start, I'm more concerned with a time-line that gets me out of there as quickly as possible when the time comes.   | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/26/2009 9:19:05 AM | I can't imagine putting a time line on how a relationship is "supposed to" progress.
Also, every person and situation is unique and what worked (or didn't work) in the past is not necessary an indication or a good predictor of how things will or "should" work with a new person at this moment in time.
However, that doesn't mean that your way is unreasonable, only that it's not for me.
Good luck to you OP...:)
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