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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/25/2009 1:21:41 PM | | I totally agree with you browneyesboo. If I had waited for 6 months or more just to date, I would not never have gotten married. Life is too short to put a timetable on finding a relationship. Life is wayyyyyyyy tooo short! | |
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| time lines????
Posted: 9/26/2009 6:36:25 AM | for all of you with these 'time-lines'....
what do you do when you meet someone and there is some chemistry there? Then you act on it and move in a different manner than:
a) the way you were raised to be acting properly (get mama outta your head)
b) against what your faith believes ( well,..... I'm not a virgin anymore.....good girls cant respond like I really want to respond because he might think I am a hussy)
c) the time line you have that is your script for proper gentlemanly or ladylike behavior and the proper timeline of how a relationship should progress.
and THEN you date a while and THEN it falls apart and THEN you have regrets on remembering your behavior when you first met.
guys/gals............. quit the what-if scenerios. we are too old for those to really think they work. every situation is unique. every first meet is different and full of opportunities if only you can see them.
Relax. Enjoy life NOW. maybe re-evaluate the rules you used to live by and see what you can change to make more opportunites in your life.
and women...... quit trying to be the one in control. quit with the 'superior wife/female syndrome'. (great article in the October 2009 Redbook magazine) (spoken from a past superior wife - and it didnt work for me!)
maybe my half-full optomisim that I have had all my life is really 3/4 full to the positive now.... and it is a fantastic way to live life, look at the world, and enjoy life. | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/26/2009 8:13:40 AM |
One that starts with e-mails, progresses to friends first, then dating and finally a committed long term relationship.
Um.. how do we get to be friends if we're not dating first? Do I have to email you and talk to you on the phone so long that we consider ourselves friends before we start dating? That won't happen.
Being friends and lovers is certainly an admirable goal, but I would hope that is happening in parallel.
As already stated, I think laying out a time-line is fruitless. My best relationships heated up fast. Of course, some of my worst ones also heated up fast. I care little how quickly they start, I'm more concerned with a time-line that gets me out of there as quickly as possible when the time comes.   | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/26/2009 9:19:05 AM | I can't imagine putting a time line on how a relationship is "supposed to" progress.
Also, every person and situation is unique and what worked (or didn't work) in the past is not necessary an indication or a good predictor of how things will or "should" work with a new person at this moment in time.
However, that doesn't mean that your way is unreasonable, only that it's not for me.
Good luck to you OP...:)
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/26/2009 10:14:33 AM | OP--
You can have preconceived notions of a choreographed romance and consider it reasonable
...hmm...
how's that workin for ya? | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/26/2009 7:03:01 PM | No.
I was on another forum where the "Friends First" thing was being discussed. What happens most of the time is that unrealistic expectations are set up, there is an implied promise that "If I play by your rules, and be your friend, we can have a relationship", and then if it is discovered after this time there is no chemistry, and things don't work out, after much time and effort has been invested, both parties are left hurt and disillusioned.
If there is no chemistry in the first place, spending a bunch of time being friends is not going to make the chemistry happen magically. And if there is no chemistry, eventually there will be no relationship.
If you have chemistry with someone, then by all means date them, become friends, work on your romantic relationship. But do not keep some poor guy on a string for nothing, if there is very little likelyhood that the relationship will ever move beyond the friendship stage, and he has been led to expect something more.
When I am exchanging first messages with someone, I want to meet them for coffee within a week. There is no point in dragging it out. Only 1 of 10 men who email you will be suitable when you meet them in person. Therefore it is best to find out right away and let other nine move on to someone else.
Then I can begin the dating/email/friendship phase. A few dates will tell if the initial chemistry has potential. After this point, yes, a six to twelve month timeline makes sense. | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/26/2009 7:48:37 PM |
I have the following paragraph in my profile, because a mature adult, I feel that it could happen.
"I am looking for a permanent long term relationship. One that starts with e-mails, progresses to friends first, then dating and finally a committed long term relationship.
At our age, I think that all this can happen within a year, provided that both parties are open, honest and upfront, right from the get go. Your thoughts?"
Is this a reasonable thought/timeline?
MF
Boy oh boy, I sure would like to know who brainwashed you,,,
These are the proper steps to take in exact order,,,
1. See picture
2. proclaim undying love
3. get married
4. find out you're pregnant (possibly by someone else)
5. allow the other full access to your bank account (I think soldierbyte agrees so far,,, lol)
6. have sex
7. proclaim being misundestood
8. go to counseling and not tell the truth about the chain of events
by this time, you should be about a month into the relationship,,, then you
9. start cheating
10. withdraw all funds from said bank accounts
11. make outrageous claims against the other
12. get an annullment
There you have it, the "12 steps" to relationships,,,
Glad I could help set you straight,,,
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/26/2009 8:34:28 PM | ....well that all depends on whether or not you subscribe to the "reasonable" approach to relationships. I mean who is really in control of all of these things? We tend to think that as we get older we also get wiser - NOT! We just get more "unreasonable" in our expectations of how long or short a relationship of any sort will be. It's all in the way we read what is in between the lines of the book that has never really been written. OYE!  | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/26/2009 9:20:29 PM | OP - I believe your time line is reasonable if it is something that is important to you. I get the impression you would like to find a man who is willing to fit within the framework of your timeline. If he finds himself falling in love with a woman who places a relationship schedule as a higher priority than the relationship itself, then you will have found your match. It's a simple formula. Present it in your profile, and you will increase your chances of finding a man who is interested in matching your timeline for the relationship. I hope it goes well.
If after a while you are unable to find any men who appear interested in following your relationship schedule, might I suggest you consider the option of looking at relationships (and even your partner) as being a higher priority than your schedule? You might want to consider adjusting your timetable to fit within the relationship. | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/26/2009 9:44:18 PM | "for all of you with these 'time-lines'....
what do you do when you meet someone and there is some chemistry there? Then you act on it and move in a different manner than:
a) the way you were raised to be acting properly (get mama outta your head)
b) against what your faith believes ( well,..... I'm not a virgin anymore.....good girls cant respond like I really want to respond because he might think I am a hussy)
c) the time line you have that is your script for proper gentlemanly or ladylike behavior and the proper timeline of how a relationship should progress. "
You are kidding right? By 45+, I sincerly hope peope have grown light year past anything close to the above.................(that still happens.....holy!)
"and women...... quit trying to be the one in control. quit with the 'superior wife/female syndrome'. (great article in the October 2009 Redbook magazine) (spoken from a past superior wife - and it didnt work for me!)"
WTF, women past the age of the twenties still act that way? Still allow magazines to dictact what they think?
"Boy oh boy, I sure would like to know who brainwashed you,,,
These are the proper steps to take in exact order,,,
1. See picture
2. proclaim undying love
3. get married
4. find out you're pregnant (possibly by someone else)
5. allow the other full access to your bank account (I think soldierbyte agrees so far,,, lol)
6. have sex
7. proclaim being misundestood
8. go to counseling and not tell the truth about the chain of events
by this time, you should be about a month into the relationship,,, then you
9. start cheating
10. withdraw all funds from said bank accounts
11. make outrageous claims against the other
12. get an annullment"
Like I said already ............... WTF?
People need to think for themselves.
Me, the 2 yr. rule will always hold true. If a possible s/o doesn't like it, then they are the wrong s/o. Why are so many in such a rush? It will still be there tomorrow and the tomorrows after that, "If" it is real. | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/26/2009 10:48:36 PM | geeez...
i'm not in a great rush...for anything.
but i don't want a man i fancy to hang around for two years waiting for a "bit"...
what if i don't like it,
that's 2 whole years i''ve wasted... | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/27/2009 6:01:53 AM |
what if i don't like it,
Ah, daffie, this is a point I have made many times in the forums. It appears to me, however, that to the ladies that are into "time lines", "friends first", "wait until I am ready" and all the other like sentiments, never let it enter their minds that the guy, or themselves, might simply find that sex with them is not to their liking. Its as if they all just assume that a physical encounter with them will be the be all and end all simply because the guy likes them or has feelings for them.
I think that such a situation could well arise between people of very little, or no, sexual experience, but in this age group many will have had more than one sexual partner, will have noticed differences and developed preferences and tastes, and there can be no reasonable basis for assuming that a potential partner will satisfy either yourself or themselves be satisfied with you......
Its quite possible to have a really good friendship with a woman and have warm feelings towards her but find that sex with her is just not enjoyable, unfortunately. I am sure that woman have had the same experience with men in their lives as well. | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/27/2009 7:04:07 AM | to Moraima
what do you do when you meet someone and there is some chemistry there? Then you act on it and move in a different manner than:
a) the way you were raised to be acting properly (get mama outta your head)
b) against what your faith believes ( well,..... I'm not a virgin anymore.....good girls cant respond like I really want to respond because he might think I am a hussy)
c) the time line you have that is your script for proper gentlemanly or ladylike behavior and the proper timeline of how a relationship should progress. "
You are kidding right? By 45+, I sincerly hope peope have grown light year past anything close to the above.................(that still happens.....holy!)
did you read the first line correctly?
..... you move in a different manner THAN
I was implying this is NOT the way to act | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/27/2009 7:20:18 AM | Recently, I went out with a man whom I had been speaking to on the phone and emailing. He gave me a time line of when he wanted to get serious and how HE wanted things to progress. HUGE TURNOFF! Last time I looked, a relationship involved two people and if one is already trying to control things, then all I can say is run as fast as you can away from this type of situation.
Relax and let things progress as they will. Sex is a normal part of things and barring the whole religious thing where you only have sex inside the boudaries of marriage, then let it happen as it feels natural to do so. I would not, and this is just me, marry anyone that I was not sure that I was sexually compatible with.
OP, it seems controlling, whether you intend for it to or not, and it probably costs you getting to know some very nice people. | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/27/2009 7:50:43 AM | about the only "time lines" i ever make are to be at the airport in time to catch a flight...
no way would i ever self impose such a ridiculous curfew.
what if i meet the love of my life" tomorrow?
do i tell him?..."now just hang arounf for the next year or so...it MAY be worth your while"...
if a man told me that i'd be thinking he was a few cents short of a dollar! | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/27/2009 10:01:15 AM | I don't see how anyone can project or predict a time line. If I meet a woman, Then it's mutual to date each other, then their must have been an attraction that started with the first email and sharing of pictures. That thing called chemistry. I am not about to try to put a time line on it. It was a matter of weeks in my last relationship. If I'm not sure in a year, then I must not know what or who I am looking for or attracted to.
If a woman tried to hold back her emotions, her love for a year, Or stop my feelings towrd her, I'd suspect she is just not that into me and I'd move on. Hell, I'm not getting any younger! Who has time to wait a year? | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/27/2009 10:25:57 AM |
"Boy oh boy, I sure would like to know who brainwashed you,,,
These are the proper steps to take in exact order,,,
1. See picture
2. proclaim undying love
3. get married
4. find out you're pregnant (possibly by someone else)
5. allow the other full access to your bank account (I think soldierbyte agrees so far,,, lol)
6. have sex
7. proclaim being misundestood
8. go to counseling and not tell the truth about the chain of events
by this time, you should be about a month into the relationship,,, then you
9. start cheating
10. withdraw all funds from said bank accounts
11. make outrageous claims against the other
12. get an annullment"
Like I said already ............... WTF?
While handing out character traits, might you have misunderstood and thought they'd said "scents of tumor"? | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/27/2009 9:23:55 PM | you know, it's threads like this one that confirm in me poor addled brain that I'm not cut out for this new and improved age of man. so me thinks that when the day arriveth tha t I seek a mate I'm gonna be keeping some therapist very busy.
Arrrgh, I'm not dating and I'm already going crazy!
I don't understand my OWN generation any more!
TK
{Gads, maybe I should vote for Clinton-Obama-care} | |
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/27/2009 10:11:34 PM |
Only 1 of 10 men who email you will be suitable when you meet them in person. Therefore it is best to find out right away and let other nine move on to someone else.
On the whole, I'd rather weed out 8 of the 9 *before* meeting. Leaves me with a *much* sunnier attitude. I'm a much bigger believer in woman-made chemistry based on mind, personhood, and soul rather than wild-card chemistry based on past preferences (a favorite Uncle's nose, movie stars, teenage crushes and what not, mostly unremembered, and meaning absolutely zip). I really don't believe body language, smell, and whatnot are bringing me any really important info.
And ya, a year is more than enough time.
Jus' me. Live long and prosper.
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| reasonable or not
Posted: 9/27/2009 10:47:52 PM | You mean ... like from today.... I'll have to wait ANOTHER whole year???
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
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