|
|
|
|
|
| | How do I get (politely) out of a threesomePage 2 of 5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) | | honey we are not doing...thank you for your understanding...please get real...it is obvious you have a choice...do it or leave him...or let him do it with two other women...it is obvious he wants that...i agree with him...it his fantasy...so you decide ...do you want him...can you conpromise...would you have a threesome with another man? why and why not? good luck | |
|
| |
| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/26/2009 7:59:03 AM | | Dump him and move on.Hes already cheated with this woman.Think about it,hes already got another female lined up.Dont be a fool and stay with this degenerate. | |
|
| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/26/2009 10:10:54 AM | OP as someone already stated, you should NEVER do anything you aren't comfortable with EVER.
I couldn't disagree more.
Some of the best experiences I've had, have been when women have agreed to cross very firm boundaries.
Never is a very long time....
In my experience, many women are very eager to be with someone who can bring out the adventurous side to them.
You have your own mind and nobody should control it.
There's nothing wrong with being challenged to be more open minded...
Never feel pressured about anything.
You mean like a man not feeling pressure to give his woman mind blowing orgasms?
Or feeling pressure to not cum before she does?
Kinda like that?
Ya, you're right. Only concern yourself with your own comfort.
Gotcha...
Don't do it just cause you think you might lose him. If you do, then that's on you and he's a selfish SOB and I would tell him don't let the door hit him on the azz on the way out.
You say it like the pursuit of sexual gratification is something to be scorned. Which it isn't.
I doubt that you'd be happy with a lover that doesn't fufill all your wants, needs and desires, either.
There ain't a big enough d1ck to hypnotize me to muff dive.
But we're not talking about you. There are plenty of women who have very bi tendencies, and actually express desire for other women, without even being provoked.
If he brings it up again, stop whatever you're doing, look him straight in the eye, and with a "voice of authority", say "NO. I've already told you before, and don't ask for that again." Then KEEP EYE CONTACT until he understands that you're SERIOUS.
Your solution is intimidation? Is that something you're prone too?
The OP is obviously waaaaay more level headed than that, and can function at a much more adult level on the topic. She deserves the utmost credit for that, whichever way she decides to go.
Never do anything you are not comfortable with just to please someone else.
Why not?
What about your own needs? Don't they matter? Of course they do. If you are uncomfortable, just say no.
Her sexual "needs" are a different topic. She hasn't divulged whether or not her sexual "needs" are all being met, or not in this relationship.
The thing is that today we live in a sexualized society, and people are more educated and independent, and a lot more pushy for whatever they want.
You're right. Both men and women are less inhibited in communicating their wants, needs, and desires. It allows people to filter out those that they are sexually incompatible with.
That's a good thing. Not a bad thing.
It's comforting to hear your consensous that he shouldn't pursue it enough for this to become a dealbreaker, and that he should respect my boundaries, since there can be a lot of fun and enjoyment just being the two of us (and there is!).
Ultimately, it's not for you to decide what he should be satisfied with, or not.
At the end of the day, he's got a woman twenty something years younger than him doting on him, I suppose he should be grateful for that
He should be grateful?
Are you a charity?
Are you with him for pity?
If he got one woman 20 yrs younger, he can get another.
To answer your question though, it sounds like you've been more than polite about your desire to not be in a threesome. If your question is how do you get to not fulfill his desire for one, and not disappoint him enough to find someone else who can, is not one we can answer.
Only he can. | |
|
| |
| |
| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/26/2009 3:00:21 PM |
I couldn't disagree more.
Some of the best experiences I've had, have been when women have agreed to cross very firm boundaries.
Sure, some of the best experiences YOU had. Did you ever think of the repercussions or is the experiences of your little head far more important? It seems the latter....
In my experience, many women are very eager to be with someone who can bring out the adventurous side to them.
Bringing out 'adventurous side' is one thing - trying to convince your average straight female to share her man with another woman is on the other end of the spectrum. How do you expect to win this argument? Let me guess, once YOU had the experience at the expense of your partner, regardless of her feelings, mission accomplished right? <img src=http://www.plentyoffish.com/smiles/icon_201.gif border=0>
There's nothing wrong with being challenged to be more open minded...
Everyone has an emotional threshold beyond which you enter unknown territory. Tread wisely.
Ya, you're right. Only concern yourself with your own comfort.
Right. I have a severe doubt that YOU would cross your own boundaries to please your woman. What if her fantasy was to see her MAN play with ANOTHER MAN? I have heard of this. I bet that would make you pretty uncomfortable wouldn't it?
There are plenty of women who have very bi tendencies, and actually express desire for other women, without even being provoked.
So why are you forcing such tendencies down the throat of an unwilling participant for the sake of your own gratification? Is that not selfish on your part? Oh yeah, sorry. Your the only person who's feelings mattered.
| |
|
| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/26/2009 3:18:10 PM | | notice how all the american women are saying do whats rite for you, what ever happened to making an effort to please your SO,me i would do anything to please my woman, and i would hope she would treat me the same | |
|
| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/26/2009 3:21:52 PM | what ever happened to making an effort to please your SO,me i would do anything to please my woman, and i would hope she would treat me the same
And what happened to allowing an individual to keep their sense of morality, of justice, of sexual inhibitions and boundaries intact?
You f-u-c-k with a person's emotional framework and they usually end up doing things they regret later, big time. Fair warning, they may not even forgive you for it.
And then it dawns on me why alot of men on this website are still single.... | |
|
| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/26/2009 3:26:56 PM | Why are you worried about disapointing him?
He has already told you what he wants, twice infact. So my guess is he wont wait to "convince you" he will begin to look for someone else to fulfill his fantasy. Now take note of this... You mentioned you don't want to share your man, but your man wants to share you! Are you willing to settle for that? Because thats what he wants! He wants "more than just you"!
So his thoughts of you and sex with only you... has already been replaced with another woman. He is not the least bit concerned of loosing you because you give to much to him already and he knows that. If he was worried about offending you or making you uncomfortable, he would have accepted your first "no thankyou". You know why he asked you again? Because he knows he can barter with you. He knows you will be around for him no matter what.
My suggestion is this... A man intuitively senses whether sexuality comes from a place of security or from a place of neediness. He knows when a woman is having sex to appease him...In the long run, he will end up with the woman that "doesnt" play by all the rules as you do.
It is with your behavior, not your words, that let him know where you stand. Id say walk away with your dignity and leave him to find his.
Wild | |
|
| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/26/2009 3:58:35 PM |
notice how all the american women are saying do whats rite for you, what ever happened to making an effort to please your SO,me i would do anything to please my woman, and i would hope she would treat me the same
What a load of nonsense...
No... you wouldn't do ANYTHING.... Anything is a big word....
Would you do Heroin to please her...?
Would you have sex with a guy to please her....?
Would you kill for her....?
Would you have sex with an animal for her?
See what I mean?, everyone has their limits....
If you think that changing someone's entire moral outlook just for a fcuk is ok, then there is something seriously wrong.... | |
|
| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/26/2009 4:02:08 PM |
And what happened to allowing an individual to keep their sense of morality, of justice, of sexual inhibitions and boundaries intact?
They don't care because in the long run they will dump the person and move on... and leave them to pick up the pieces.....
You f-u-c-k with a person's emotional framework and they usually end up doing things they regret later, big time. Fair warning, they may not even forgive you for it.
As I said earlier, my G/F hates her Ex with a passion... I could easily see her killing her Ex if she had had the opportunity....
And then it dawns on me why alot of men on this website are still single....
Yeah, it's pretty obvious isn't it.....? | |
|
| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/26/2009 4:42:29 PM | ^^^Actually, M church...I do believe Ice-ey9 was agreeing with you, I think you just misconstrued his posts...he was quoting another poster and disagreeing with them. 
Which I will merrily do too. Verity....c'mon....considering the O-Post, I could completely dissect your post as well, pointing out the same as an earlier poster did, that the O-poster already HAS stated her boundaries to her partner....she's only asking, is there a way to reiterate this and salvage the relationship at this point, or should she just move on. IMO, from the sounds of it? If it's something her partner truly desires as a personal fantasy? Hmm..well, if it was a "'maybe" fantasy, I'd say possibly. If he's hell-bent on having a threesome, and the OP has already clearly stated, she's not interested? Then....I'd agree, they probably aren't compatible in the long run. If it's truly a hell-bent fantasy of his, OP? Then yeah, I'd agree with the earlier posters...he'll do it with or without you.
If it's not? Then, yep, OP, if this is something you truly aren't interested in, no way, no how, no shape or form? Then yes....sometimes, boundaries do have to be set, in any or every relationship, IMO. Not necessarily in just a sexual manner, but if this is the "drawn line" for you, OP? Then who are any of us to tell you different. We all have our different drawn lines in the sand, after all.
Good luck to you!
 | |
|
| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/26/2009 5:04:03 PM |
^^^Actually, M church...I do believe Ice-ey9 was agreeing with you, I think you just misconstrued his posts...he was quoting another poster and disagreeing with them.
Misconstruing must roll downhill....
I too was agreeing with Ice-ey9
LOL | |
|
| |
| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/26/2009 6:09:10 PM |
It's comforting to hear your consensous that he shouldn't pursue it enough for this to become a dealbreaker, and that he should respect my boundaries, since there can be a lot of fun and enjoyment just being the two of us (and there is!)
Oh hun, never kid yourself, this can be a deal breaker, which if it were, that would be his choosing, and just because you are 20 yrs younger doesn't mean there aren't hot 40 somethings that will do his bidding...
My point, don't take comfort in knowing there are women who wouldn't do something they didn't want to, thus we are valued by our man for it, but rather we match up with men who will love us and are more of a sexual match for us...
If this guy is in an experiment phase it can be you, or not, if he wants what he wants, he can and will get it, with or without your help...
You are stating you aren't into it, but have done things that you haven't done with others... If you are comfortable with that good, but make sure you stop where you aren't, and be willing to understand that these things CAN still be a deal breaker, even if it is behind your back...
Just saying... | |
|
| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/26/2009 6:19:57 PM | notice how all the american women are saying do whats rite for you, what ever happened to making an effort to please your SO Well here's an Australian woman saying exactly the same thing..
me i would do anything to please my woman, and i would hope she would treat me the same So..(presuming you are a straight man) you would have sex with a man? Give him a BJ and let him do you up the ass even if it disgusts you, because it would make you partner happy? You would sit by and watch your partner be gangbanged and be happy with it because it was a fantasty of hers? REALLY?????
There are many things I would do to please my SO but sharing him sexually isn't one of them! The OP has gone out of her comfort zone several times already to please her man. Tell me OP, if you decide to go through with it, do you think he will be happy doing it just once? Expect it to become a constant part of your sex life. Ask him if he is willing to suck some guys c*ck and get fvked up the ass by him, because that is the equivilant of what he is asking you to do. By trying to push you into something you don't want to do he is not respecting your boundaries.
I would be asking him if it is something that is really REALLY important to him, because if it is i'd reckon he is going to do it anyway, with or without your consent or knowledge. It seems he is not happy with only one woman in his life. Can YOU live with that?? | |
|
| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/26/2009 6:45:46 PM | pitufina 77, You've already allowed him to do things... in his mind, it's only a matter of time. As you wrote - "he is fully aware of that". And he's already got more from you than others did! Think about it.
While you worry and post about being polite, he's wearing away at your resolve.
From the front and the back-side! <img
Consider the saying: If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck... Heck, he's already got you walking like a duck, doesn't he...?
I'd wager it'll take about 6 months and just a few drinks.
If You Stay in the Barbershop Long Enough, You're Bound to Get Your Hair Cut ...
You stay with this fellow, and you will be his and hers.
| |
|
| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/26/2009 9:24:46 PM | Pitufina,
He obviously makes you feel great in bed. BUT don't worry he isn't the only man in the world that can rock yours. GOT IT ! We let our minds play tricks on us for the moment that we are in and we dont want to stop the EXCITEMENT and the ENDORPHINES that all of the sex gives us. BUT.................. I do agree that you are setting yourself up by not speaking up.
If you want to do it.......then do it. If you don't and you tell him no and he keeps pushing then I would suggest going on a business trip for a couple days (not literal) but separate yourself from him and clear your head for a few days. Don't make contact with him so that you can get focused on what YOU WANT. After all, you are not married to him right ?
Good luck . | |
|
| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 12:06:43 AM |
we got together more as two lonely people who are comfortable with each other and are meeting each other's needs, rather than a sense of fairy tale and from here to the end of the world.
By your own description you’re in a FWB situation. As such it is based on the sexual aspects of the relationship more so than YOUR personal boundaries. In loving relationships experimentation exists only when it is desirable to both. There is no cajoling or coaxing the other into anything.
I would not be comfortable with someone trying to talk me into a situation I have already made my feelings clear on. He sounds like he does not really care that much about what you want. It’s all about him.
At the end of the day, he's got a woman twenty something years younger than him doting on him, I suppose he should be grateful for that and make the most of it!!
Guess he feels much like you do……..except…….you should be grateful to be with him…….therefore willing to do all his sexual bidding.
Not much of anything to save here; so to do or not to do, not a big deal either way. | |
|
| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 1:04:22 AM | Hi!
Thank you for all your messages.
Well, there is some kind of agreement going on here. One of you got it right when she mentioned that my original question was how can I explain my position clearly, once and for all, without sounding selfish. These days, things that could be little can cause major breakups because we live in a comfort mindset, "soulmate" mindset and all that rubbish, where, if you have one disagreement with your partner, it can break a relationship, regardless of how big or small.
If he brings it up again, which I expect him to do, I will be firm and ask him how important it is for him. Then I will tell him what I really think and, depending on his answer to my initial question, ask him to either pull away from me or to understand that he should give me the same amount of respect I'm giving him.
Ironically, last night I found out that somebody I've recently met, a lady friend, knows him from while back, and told me how one of her friends had her heart wrecked by him. She told me that she cannot rule out that he might have set himself to try to settle with somebody, so told me to enjoy what comes, not make plans for the future and see how things pan out with him, but to pull away if I see anything that could be potentially harmful to me. I agreed with her on that.
It wouldn't be the first time I've had to stop, get serious and say that he is stepping over the mark over something. Seems he is used to get his way with women in more than one way, and I've had to put boundaries on a number of issues. Once, over something, I got ready to leave. He was very apologetic and regretful, asked me to forgive him and has never gone back there.
Yes, right now this is more of a FWB than anything else. Maybe because we are both needy, there has also been some good deal of romancing around when we are together. Since I admire and respect him for the person he is and the way he works, and he has stated (even in front of others) how he likes my principles, intelligence and personality, I'm willing to accept that there might be a chance of this becoming a true and committed relationship. And it's only because of this tiny chance in the spectrum of possible outcomes that I'm not just going to put my hand up and send him his way, if there is a possibility that he might weight what he really wants, and drop and leave the issue, as he has done with regards to other things.
In any case, right now I'm putting some distance. Whilst I'm not going to throw at him some sermon over dignity and respect for my heart, I think it's time to stop being there at his convenience, and let him do some work if he really wants to continue having something beyond friendship with me.
Seems that some men need to be pushed to think and reconsider, so they can value properly what they've got.
Thank you all. | |
|
| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 2:09:49 AM |
Some of the best experiences I've had, have been when women have agreed to cross very firm boundaries.
Whilst I agree with verity that pushing boundaries can lead to some of the most satisfying sexual experiences, this can be a very dangerous game - for all involved.
There's a fine line between coersion, for example a woman who definitively knows she does not want to participate in a threesome, and consensual agreement to try something that she feels apprehensive about because of her conditioning or lack of experience. The former can be grounds for legal action later on, an ex-boyfriend of mine found this out the hard way (not with me I might add - I am someone who will not have my hard boundaries crossed or pushed).
The OP's options are to keep saying no, if she really feels this is not for her, he'll either stop asking and keep seeing her, or keep asking and she'll feel miserable all the time he does this, or he'll stop seeing her once he realises he's not going to get his threesome and move on.
OR
OP, you could try this, it works well for me.
Tell him you will only keep seeing him/sleeping with him if he agrees to your terms. Your terms are that he ceases all pressure to do a threesome. He can only agree or disagree. Be ready for both eventualities, he may well say that he doesn't agree and move on. That way you'll both know where you are.
Best of luck with it. | |
|
| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 6:38:24 AM | DIVISION77. Msg 53: She didnt say it's wrong and he can't do it. She said "I don't want to do it". She's not judging him she is taking every aspect into consideration which is a lot more than what most do. She might not be attracted to woman, she may find that to be out of her comfort zone. So he wants this fantasy and she "has " to do it or else? Deals off? FWB or even with a partner is not always "a deal". He is puting alot of romance into this relationship amoung other things, according to her. So it's now more than just a FF.
You sound totally selfish when you say "I will never settle on MY provisions" ...In life we don't always get WHAT WE WANT or ELSE. To walk into any relationship with that on your mind..my way or the highway won't take you very far for long. Even with a FWB there is such a thing called RESPECT. She has every right to say no to what she herself doesn't want to do wihtout a threat of it's a deal braker lady or else. Amazing what the little word no can do to a man. to send him running and pouting in the other direction.
To OP...In any relationship a dealbraker is a serious threat! You do it or else kind of attitude. When talking to him always remember you don't have to do anything if you don't want to. Sometimes the word no to a man in his mind means..ok let me ask her another way, and another until she says yes! Don't give into him just because you're afraid of loosing him. Only proceed with this if YOU WANT to, never to just please him.
You never do what you don't want to do and there is no such thing as a compromise. It's your body and you are in charge of what it will do and won't do with or for someone.
Don't threaten him with anything if he persists, but stand your ground and continue to be a lady about it. A lady has no need to explain anything. No means no and that's it! Be prepared for anything and everything including the end of this relationship to happen!
Best of luck
Wild | |
|
| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 6:45:15 AM | | Ok OP, listen up. Honesty is the most important thing in a relationship. Tell him what you think about his fantasy, explain to him you were only curious and it does not mean that it will ever happen, and remind him that most fantasies are never anything like they play out in someone's mind. That's my advice; if he's mature enough he'll accept that. | |
|
| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 8:21:02 AM | "verityone" and anyone else with the same outlook.
Are you saying that it is okay for one or the other in a relationship to want to invite a third person in? Isn't that the same as cheating? How would you feel watching your "loved one" being intimate with another? Especially if the person you're involved with doesn't want it. I tend to agree with limits being pushed sometimes. It can be fun. Bringing another person into your relationship goes beyond pushing limits, if it's not in the comfort zone for everyone involved. | |
|
|
|
|
Page
2
of
5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
|
|
Home
login 
