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 AUTHOR
 I am LLR
Joined: 5/7/2009
Msg: 51
How do I get (politely) out of a threesomePage 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Explain it to him as you have laid it out in your post - once. Then say no, and keep saying no. Some fantasies should remain fantasies.
Try telling him what I always say when a guy brings up this fantasy - I'm selfish, I want all the attention, and I don't share well. It's like a line from that old George Michael song " I Want your Sex" - "sex is best when it's one-on-one."
 Awesome Mandi
Joined: 7/11/2009
Msg: 52
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 10:55:43 AM
WHY WOULD YOU want to share your man with someone else? Unless your relationship is based on the kinky(and you both like crazy sex), tell him to settle with you or get going. You should be good enough as yourself, and yourself and the whore v. him.
 Splendere
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 53
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 1:38:14 PM

Personally, I would never settle on my provisions even if I liked everything else about the woman

Did you mean to say, “Principles”?
I have principles and prefer men that also have them.
Why, IMO the Op’s situation would not be a dilemma [for me].
I believe that wanting to experiment as in bringing in a third party is acceptable when very young. At 52, I find it twisted. Usually persons like this are everything but sensual, why they require a great deal of stimuli. It’s a no brainier for me, although I have not been asked to partake of such an activity, if it were to arise I’d simply tell him to hire a couple of escorts. That’s what they’re here for to fulfill sexual deviants’ fantasies.

I’m not interested in men who’s boundaries are exceedingly different from mine.


"verityone" and anyone else with the same outlook.

Are you saying that it is okay for one or the other in a relationship to want to invite a third person in?


I did not see where he said that at all; nor did he even imply that coercion, which is the legal terminology for forcing another, is acceptable.
 ellena.
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 54
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 4:21:02 PM
A truly "doting" woman would find sharing her mate unacceptable. " Just say no" If he doesn't accept that, I think you need to move on to someone who loves you so much, he wouldn't dream (fantasize) about sharing you in bed.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 55
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 4:26:50 PM
Just tell him you're not willing to do that, and don't see yourself ever being willing to do it. Let him know that if it's something he feels he needs, then perhaps you should go your separate ways so he can get his needs met and you don't have to compromise yours when he does so. He needs to decide whether he'll be content to have this as a fantasy with no opportunity to act on it, but you need to be clear that you don't ever see yourself being willing to go there.

If you are clear about that and he still brings it up, then he's venturing squarely into *sshole territory.
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 56
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/28/2009 7:00:00 AM
Wild DNA, I have to agree with you on message 53... DIVISION77, when there is actual love in a relationship people aren't settling when they compromise... Not every little whim that each side has, is going to be met by another person, that may be NICE to think that the perfect woman for you will jump through every single hoop you set up for her, BUT are you willing to do the same???

Realistically everybody has boundaries, and if they are reasonable really should be respected... The OP isn't into swinging, or doing threesomes... Where does it end? What if his next fantasy is to watch her being rapped, while he films it, does she have to go along with that little whim of a fantasy as well, just because he wants to experience that, and it would sexually get him off???

Even in a FWB, there are boundaries, and if the guy wants to shag a couple gals at once, she doesn't have to be a party to that, because that isn't her thing. It may very well mean the end of this relationship, however better to end things now, before she is doing things she would have to mend emotionally for the rest of her life...

OP, by your last post, you seem to have come to a resolve about this situation, which is good... You seem fond of this guy, and are hoping for more, I don't know how that will work out for you, especially if the two of you have differing levels of sexual interests... That is a deal breaker for some, and for others something they don't give up on pushing, especially if they think the other person is weak...

I don't know how women are, but I have found that men will see a woman as a sexual object, and no matter how the two have moved to different direction, he certainly may decide to come back and ask her to play, fully knowing she is with someone else, just because she allowed him to push her past some boundaries...

All I can say is good luck, and be willing to stand your ground, especially if this is something you don't want to go into... As I said, and others, some men don't stop there, and your guy certainly has felt the urge to continue to push you into one fantasy after another...

Good luck
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 57
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/28/2009 8:01:50 AM
I think you actually have bigger problems. For one, I believe this guy only sees you as a FB. So the relationship in his eyes is only sexual. So you need to test the relationship in other areas, otherwise he is going to keep pestering you about this, until he takes his pecker some place else.

So my advice is be blunt. Tell him to cut it out or that then the sex is going to go away.
 Closer2U
Joined: 2/19/2009
Msg: 58
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/28/2009 8:09:45 AM
I think based on what you already told him you DID already find a way to politely get out of a threesome.If he won't listen to you...it's time to get as RUDE as he is being.
If he can't respect your boundaries,you might want to take heed in the warning your friend gave you about him.If he can't respect YOU and your feelings....why would you feel the need to care about his feelings?

That is the real issues here.Don't place him on a pedastal above you...he's just a man.

There are plenty of men who won't expect you to do something against your wishes or desires.Men without selfish agenda's that is.
 tennisman2388
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 59
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/28/2009 8:24:13 AM
If you had previously expressed interest that would be different.

He is toying with you. Hope you know that.
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 60
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/28/2009 9:47:45 AM

Since I admire and respect him for the person he is and the way he works, and he has stated (even in front of others) how he likes my principles, intelligence and personality,


Sure he likes them right up till the point where you wont have a lesbian encounter with another woman....Did you even read what you wrote? You have already told him you werent interested, yet he brought it up again. Exactly what part of liking your principles is he respecting at that point?


In any case, right now I'm putting some distance. Whilst I'm not going to throw at him some sermon over dignity and respect for my heart, I think it's time to stop being there at his convenience, and let him do some work if he really wants to continue having something beyond friendship with me.

Seems that some men need to be pushed to think and reconsider, so they can value properly what they've got.


I dont think you are going to do that, every part of your posts screams needy. The fact that you have "allowed" this man to talk you into other sexual acts that you didnt want to do says a lot about you.

Exactly why are you unwilling to have a conversation about respecting your heart?
 pitufina_77
Joined: 8/13/2009
Msg: 61
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/28/2009 1:39:53 PM
Hi all,

Thank you for your comments.

Well, as I mentioned before, I learnt a few things about him during the weekend that show it's time to put a stop on things.

Grizzelda (and the rest):

The reason why I'm not going to throw a sermon at him is because guys get scared with that kind of thing. We were friends before getting intimate, we move in the same circles because of our interests, and it's against (both) of our best interests to have a row and end up in an aggravated situation.

The reason why I allowed some things was because I trusted him to experiment with things I was curious about. However, the idea of the threesome crosses a moral boundary that I'm not prepared to touch, and that's it.

As I stated, and because there were some ingredients (at first) that could be ground for a relationship, what I wanted was to be able to express my opinion clearly, once and for all, but not in a way that was demeaning or seeking confrontation, which I think is a possibility in almost any type of disagreement in a relationship.

You are wrong in stating that I look needy. I don't know how people perceive how I am, but I had my fingers burnt up to the elbow because of somebody who promised me the world and then dissapeared, and I spent two years without dating in order to become confident and secure enough to not "need" the nice words from a man to feel good about myself.

So when things developed with this guy, even though I like him, I realised that men say a lot of things to get their way, so I thought ok, let's have the fun, but my heart is not entering into it. I don't need "this" guy, I'm not going to be waiting around wondering where he is or whatever, and crying myself to sleep when I see him talking to another woman.

As I said, and having found new information about him and his devices, I'm going to put some distance with him. I'll be polite (don't want to hint at what I know), say that we are friends, almost colleagues, and that I can't allow a secret sexual relationship to spoil that. I want to remain friends and that's it, and that I'm sure we will be better off for that. No more sex, or I miss you kind of talk allowed. Period.

So, as my friend said, if, by any chance, he is really looking to change at the dawn of his life and find somebody to settle with, so some of the things he told me are true, he will be chasing and trying to prove them. Otherwise, I have my answer before I allow myself to feel anything beyond the natural care and respect of our friendship.

But, got to say, your opinions have been great, it's a relief to think that, in a society where people either get what they want or they go to find it elsewhere, there is still such a high level of agreement about the fact that personal and moral boundaries should be respected.

Thanks to you guys I've found myself clear enough to find this resolution before I get messed up. He is strong, wealthy, popular with ladies, used to get what he wants, but now he has found his match.

Take care all of you.
 867love
Joined: 3/16/2006
Msg: 62
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/28/2009 2:42:33 PM
Sounds like he's looking for an excuse to screw another chick -and do it with your approval...
If you decide to go through with something you disapprove of this time, well? whats he going to want you to do next time? film you with a donkey? sheep, -invite your mom over for a little naughty time with the two of you?

Don't be such a doormat, if you don't like whats going on, draw the line or get out!
 smile9999
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 63
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/28/2009 2:54:06 PM
there's nothing wrong with what the guy wants, if you don't want to do it, just move on. just don't whine about it
 susanwp
Joined: 1/5/2010
Msg: 64
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 1:43:00 PM
If this guy was in tune with you and your feelings and he cared, he would sense this isn't for you and drop it. If you were willing great but since you aren't, he should drop it and if he doesn't drop him. He cares more about himself than he does you.
 TiltAGirl
Joined: 9/12/2009
Msg: 65
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 2:47:26 PM

I would be disgusted to have a woman doing lesbic activity on me.
Just because you see a word on Urban Dictionary doesn't make it a real word.

To answer your question, he will probably be disappointed. Get over it. He no doubt will. If it's such a big deal that he'd be willing to break up over it, did you really want to be with him anyhow? It seems odd that you 'allow' him to try anything else - what happens sexually between two consenting adults shouldn't be based on what you're 'allowed' to do; that implies a certain power from one partner over another and that doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship outside the bedroom.
 spicynicegirl
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 66
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 2:55:22 PM
Stick to your guns OP.

If a guy asked me to do something that I wasn't comfortable with I would tell him how I felt and if he kept pushing the issue I would stop talking his calls.

People need to learn to respect each other.
 SassySky
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 67
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 4:03:22 PM

he has stated (even in front of others) how he likes my principles, intelligence and personality,

Great this is your lead in..As we both know that you respect my principles and personality then you will also understand while I can understand and respect where you want to go sexually.. I just don't share period.
Then stick to your guns if he is really into you he will drop it if he won't the cut bait and m ove on...
 kayliecat
Joined: 12/8/2007
Msg: 68
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 4:26:45 PM
I think we are assuming that the guy is a real dog and, well, it's a very common fantasy...just because he wants to try it doesn't make him a dog, nor a cheater, nor someone who would leave over it. I have LOTS of fantasies, and might try them out if I have a willing partner. But if I don't, no biggee...they stay in my head. I can't be the only one.

OPie...I want to comment on how you are now tryiing to dump him b/c a friend said he broke a friend's heart. First of all, i fyou are serious about it, give him a chance to explain his side. Second of all, hearts get broken all the time when there's a break up. It doesn't make him a dog. It doesn't mean he committed a crime. Enjoy your relationship with him and don't judge him on somehthing someone heard from someone else...or if you must, give him a chance to share his side.

And re: the 3some, I think you got good advice re: firmly state this is a line you will never cross and never enjoy. It is highly unlikely you'll be together for the rest of your lives, so figure he can enjoy that one some day down the line. And, in fact, tell him that. Tell him he can enjoy that one w/his next fwb, bu tnot you, then laugh.

I suggest this b/c I have been in that position. I was with a guy for 5 months who had this as a fantasy. He came close to talking me into it, but it was w/the provision that there was no girl-girl sexual contact and I could pick the person (aka a trusted friend). I'm glad I didn't do it. I should have cut him off more firmly as in "dont ask again or you'll have to endure the my wrath" (haha). It's funny tho we have stayed email/IM friends and he'll tell me sometimes that he still wants to do it...and it's been about a year and half since we broke up. nope, he still hasn't found someone willing. haha.

Also I want to address your feeling like he's already pushed you to do things you don't want to to (like anal). Sex shouldn't be about giving in. It's fine for you to try new things if you are ok with it. But remember he is there for your pleasure too. So you have a new adventurous partner....ask him to do stuff to you that YOU have fantasized about.

I am not into "tit for tat" but in this case, I do think you need to feel some sense of equality. that he is giving you as much pleasure as you are giving him. And if he isn't even when you ask...then you need to get rid of a selfish partner. but if you aren't asking, well, then it's time.

Sex should be empowering. It should make you feel like more of a woman, not less of a woman like a toy. Adventurous partners can be a lot of fun when both of you feel complete freedom in sharing your fantasies and discussing trying them (or not). No judging for asking. Ok for him to ask, not ok for him to pressure. And ok for you to ask, but not to pressure.

This feeling of empowerment comes from inside ofyou. It comes from getting to know yourself and realizing your sexual power. And I think most men appreciate a woman who can express her needs - and who allows her partner to express his without judgment but who also knwos how to say NO.

Think about it...if you are afraid to say NO, then how will he know what things you are really excited about and what things you are going to resent (or have issues over later). You should have boundaries, but also be open. And you MUST express your needs as well.

He doesn't want a passive chick who just sits back adn waits for you to do his bidding...what fun is that? He wants someone who is just as excited to enjoy sex and her sexuality...who wants to play and experience and let loose. But you've got to be vocal about your needs and about yoru limits for that to happen. (Of course I"m guessing on what he wants)

And on the chick whose heart he broke? give him a chance to explain before just dumping him... Or do you really distrust him that much? If so, why are you there in the first place? Trust your judgment!
 FULLFIGMAAM
Joined: 8/14/2009
Msg: 69
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 4:38:44 PM

My question is: how can I tell him, so he isn't disappointed, and he doesn't think that maybe I'm not as doting as he thought? I have to say that, as for the rest, he is "allowed" to do/try almost anything else he fancies... Could this become a problem?
You've already told him nicely, and he doesn't want to hear it. My guess, from your trying so very hard, is that you will eventually give in to his persistence.
I'm sorry to say, that I believe, you two will eventually break up because of incompatible desires, and not sufficient respect on his part, of your boundaries. M
 Blk_Archangel7
Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 70
How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 4:45:40 PM
you always have a choice in the matter, walk away
 JohnMac444
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 71
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 5:04:55 PM
First, gently remove whatever it is that you find in your mouth

Next, try to find your clothes and your car keys...
 ManicMelanie
Joined: 7/10/2009
Msg: 72
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 5:11:26 PM

Look at it this way.

The QUICKEST, BEST, EASIEST way to destroy a serious relationship is to allow another person in the mix.

Do your research, you'll see that it's true.

Keep telling him no because you don't want to. Be self-respecting. IF this is a deal breaker for him as well, then you go you're separate ways. At least your dignity is intact, you held firm to your beliefs and stayed within your comfort zone.



 sanddallor
Joined: 8/30/2008
Msg: 73
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 10:06:58 PM
From what I've read, some form sexual incompatabilty is the most common reason for divorce.

By all means yes, this could become a "major" problem, especially seeing that you've already made it clear that it's not an option and he's still persisting.

Rather you're tactful or blunt, you need to impress upon this man that if he can't respect your interests, he's going to be free to have all the women he wants and you won't be one of them!
 Elgalawaat
Joined: 11/24/2008
Msg: 74
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/21/2010 10:47:14 PM
Why are you worrying that much for some one like that gets disappointed. If both of you are in love and he wants to bring another woman in he is not stable in his thinking. Also it is not that easy to find a woman to be the third person. Women usually want to call the shots in the bed room even they appear like submissive. Once a girlfriend of mine wanted another woman to join us I said what the heck and agreed. She could not find a girl willing to do it.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 75
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How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 2/22/2010 5:17:57 AM
op

wow you sound like a great lover


first step to being a great lover, is to be willing to do anything to please your partner sexually, that also meen trying new things, being passionate about pleasing your SO
second step is to really know your partner, care and respect that person, trust, so that you can be totally , to be open and honest is a lot of fun
lastly going back to respect, never ask your partner to do something she is not interested in
the problem is with him, if you are open and honest with him, he should take you as you are, reading your post is refreshing, so many women are not interested in being creative lovers,and going the extra mile to make the man happy, then they wonder why guys loose interest, and do the same thing in reverse
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