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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/26/2009 9:24:46 PM | Pitufina,
He obviously makes you feel great in bed. BUT don't worry he isn't the only man in the world that can rock yours. GOT IT ! We let our minds play tricks on us for the moment that we are in and we dont want to stop the EXCITEMENT and the ENDORPHINES that all of the sex gives us. BUT.................. I do agree that you are setting yourself up by not speaking up.
If you want to do it.......then do it. If you don't and you tell him no and he keeps pushing then I would suggest going on a business trip for a couple days (not literal) but separate yourself from him and clear your head for a few days. Don't make contact with him so that you can get focused on what YOU WANT. After all, you are not married to him right ?
Good luck . | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 12:06:43 AM |
we got together more as two lonely people who are comfortable with each other and are meeting each other's needs, rather than a sense of fairy tale and from here to the end of the world.
By your own description you’re in a FWB situation. As such it is based on the sexual aspects of the relationship more so than YOUR personal boundaries. In loving relationships experimentation exists only when it is desirable to both. There is no cajoling or coaxing the other into anything.
I would not be comfortable with someone trying to talk me into a situation I have already made my feelings clear on. He sounds like he does not really care that much about what you want. It’s all about him.
At the end of the day, he's got a woman twenty something years younger than him doting on him, I suppose he should be grateful for that and make the most of it!!
Guess he feels much like you do……..except…….you should be grateful to be with him…….therefore willing to do all his sexual bidding.
Not much of anything to save here; so to do or not to do, not a big deal either way. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 1:04:22 AM | Hi!
Thank you for all your messages.
Well, there is some kind of agreement going on here. One of you got it right when she mentioned that my original question was how can I explain my position clearly, once and for all, without sounding selfish. These days, things that could be little can cause major breakups because we live in a comfort mindset, "soulmate" mindset and all that rubbish, where, if you have one disagreement with your partner, it can break a relationship, regardless of how big or small.
If he brings it up again, which I expect him to do, I will be firm and ask him how important it is for him. Then I will tell him what I really think and, depending on his answer to my initial question, ask him to either pull away from me or to understand that he should give me the same amount of respect I'm giving him.
Ironically, last night I found out that somebody I've recently met, a lady friend, knows him from while back, and told me how one of her friends had her heart wrecked by him. She told me that she cannot rule out that he might have set himself to try to settle with somebody, so told me to enjoy what comes, not make plans for the future and see how things pan out with him, but to pull away if I see anything that could be potentially harmful to me. I agreed with her on that.
It wouldn't be the first time I've had to stop, get serious and say that he is stepping over the mark over something. Seems he is used to get his way with women in more than one way, and I've had to put boundaries on a number of issues. Once, over something, I got ready to leave. He was very apologetic and regretful, asked me to forgive him and has never gone back there.
Yes, right now this is more of a FWB than anything else. Maybe because we are both needy, there has also been some good deal of romancing around when we are together. Since I admire and respect him for the person he is and the way he works, and he has stated (even in front of others) how he likes my principles, intelligence and personality, I'm willing to accept that there might be a chance of this becoming a true and committed relationship. And it's only because of this tiny chance in the spectrum of possible outcomes that I'm not just going to put my hand up and send him his way, if there is a possibility that he might weight what he really wants, and drop and leave the issue, as he has done with regards to other things.
In any case, right now I'm putting some distance. Whilst I'm not going to throw at him some sermon over dignity and respect for my heart, I think it's time to stop being there at his convenience, and let him do some work if he really wants to continue having something beyond friendship with me.
Seems that some men need to be pushed to think and reconsider, so they can value properly what they've got.
Thank you all. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 2:09:49 AM |
Some of the best experiences I've had, have been when women have agreed to cross very firm boundaries.
Whilst I agree with verity that pushing boundaries can lead to some of the most satisfying sexual experiences, this can be a very dangerous game - for all involved.
There's a fine line between coersion, for example a woman who definitively knows she does not want to participate in a threesome, and consensual agreement to try something that she feels apprehensive about because of her conditioning or lack of experience. The former can be grounds for legal action later on, an ex-boyfriend of mine found this out the hard way (not with me I might add - I am someone who will not have my hard boundaries crossed or pushed).
The OP's options are to keep saying no, if she really feels this is not for her, he'll either stop asking and keep seeing her, or keep asking and she'll feel miserable all the time he does this, or he'll stop seeing her once he realises he's not going to get his threesome and move on.
OR
OP, you could try this, it works well for me.
Tell him you will only keep seeing him/sleeping with him if he agrees to your terms. Your terms are that he ceases all pressure to do a threesome. He can only agree or disagree. Be ready for both eventualities, he may well say that he doesn't agree and move on. That way you'll both know where you are.
Best of luck with it. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 6:38:24 AM | DIVISION77. Msg 53: She didnt say it's wrong and he can't do it. She said "I don't want to do it". She's not judging him she is taking every aspect into consideration which is a lot more than what most do. She might not be attracted to woman, she may find that to be out of her comfort zone. So he wants this fantasy and she "has " to do it or else? Deals off? FWB or even with a partner is not always "a deal". He is puting alot of romance into this relationship amoung other things, according to her. So it's now more than just a FF.
You sound totally selfish when you say "I will never settle on MY provisions" ...In life we don't always get WHAT WE WANT or ELSE. To walk into any relationship with that on your mind..my way or the highway won't take you very far for long. Even with a FWB there is such a thing called RESPECT. She has every right to say no to what she herself doesn't want to do wihtout a threat of it's a deal braker lady or else. Amazing what the little word no can do to a man. to send him running and pouting in the other direction.
To OP...In any relationship a dealbraker is a serious threat! You do it or else kind of attitude. When talking to him always remember you don't have to do anything if you don't want to. Sometimes the word no to a man in his mind means..ok let me ask her another way, and another until she says yes! Don't give into him just because you're afraid of loosing him. Only proceed with this if YOU WANT to, never to just please him.
You never do what you don't want to do and there is no such thing as a compromise. It's your body and you are in charge of what it will do and won't do with or for someone.
Don't threaten him with anything if he persists, but stand your ground and continue to be a lady about it. A lady has no need to explain anything. No means no and that's it! Be prepared for anything and everything including the end of this relationship to happen!
Best of luck
Wild | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 6:45:15 AM | | Ok OP, listen up. Honesty is the most important thing in a relationship. Tell him what you think about his fantasy, explain to him you were only curious and it does not mean that it will ever happen, and remind him that most fantasies are never anything like they play out in someone's mind. That's my advice; if he's mature enough he'll accept that. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 8:21:02 AM | "verityone" and anyone else with the same outlook.
Are you saying that it is okay for one or the other in a relationship to want to invite a third person in? Isn't that the same as cheating? How would you feel watching your "loved one" being intimate with another? Especially if the person you're involved with doesn't want it. I tend to agree with limits being pushed sometimes. It can be fun. Bringing another person into your relationship goes beyond pushing limits, if it's not in the comfort zone for everyone involved. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 10:45:13 AM | Explain it to him as you have laid it out in your post - once. Then say no, and keep saying no. Some fantasies should remain fantasies.
Try telling him what I always say when a guy brings up this fantasy - I'm selfish, I want all the attention, and I don't share well. It's like a line from that old George Michael song " I Want your Sex" - "sex is best when it's one-on-one." | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 10:55:43 AM | | WHY WOULD YOU want to share your man with someone else? Unless your relationship is based on the kinky(and you both like crazy sex), tell him to settle with you or get going. You should be good enough as yourself, and yourself and the whore v. him. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 1:38:14 PM |
Personally, I would never settle on my provisions even if I liked everything else about the woman
Did you mean to say, “Principles”?
I have principles and prefer men that also have them.
Why, IMO the Op’s situation would not be a dilemma [for me].
I believe that wanting to experiment as in bringing in a third party is acceptable when very young. At 52, I find it twisted. Usually persons like this are everything but sensual, why they require a great deal of stimuli. It’s a no brainier for me, although I have not been asked to partake of such an activity, if it were to arise I’d simply tell him to hire a couple of escorts. That’s what they’re here for to fulfill sexual deviants’ fantasies.
I’m not interested in men who’s boundaries are exceedingly different from mine.
"verityone" and anyone else with the same outlook.
Are you saying that it is okay for one or the other in a relationship to want to invite a third person in?
I did not see where he said that at all; nor did he even imply that coercion, which is the legal terminology for forcing another, is acceptable. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 4:21:02 PM | | A truly "doting" woman would find sharing her mate unacceptable. " Just say no" If he doesn't accept that, I think you need to move on to someone who loves you so much, he wouldn't dream (fantasize) about sharing you in bed. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/27/2009 4:26:50 PM | Just tell him you're not willing to do that, and don't see yourself ever being willing to do it. Let him know that if it's something he feels he needs, then perhaps you should go your separate ways so he can get his needs met and you don't have to compromise yours when he does so. He needs to decide whether he'll be content to have this as a fantasy with no opportunity to act on it, but you need to be clear that you don't ever see yourself being willing to go there.
If you are clear about that and he still brings it up, then he's venturing squarely into *sshole territory. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/28/2009 7:00:00 AM | Wild DNA, I have to agree with you on message 53... DIVISION77, when there is actual love in a relationship people aren't settling when they compromise... Not every little whim that each side has, is going to be met by another person, that may be NICE to think that the perfect woman for you will jump through every single hoop you set up for her, BUT are you willing to do the same???
Realistically everybody has boundaries, and if they are reasonable really should be respected... The OP isn't into swinging, or doing threesomes... Where does it end? What if his next fantasy is to watch her being rapped, while he films it, does she have to go along with that little whim of a fantasy as well, just because he wants to experience that, and it would sexually get him off???
Even in a FWB, there are boundaries, and if the guy wants to shag a couple gals at once, she doesn't have to be a party to that, because that isn't her thing. It may very well mean the end of this relationship, however better to end things now, before she is doing things she would have to mend emotionally for the rest of her life...
OP, by your last post, you seem to have come to a resolve about this situation, which is good... You seem fond of this guy, and are hoping for more, I don't know how that will work out for you, especially if the two of you have differing levels of sexual interests... That is a deal breaker for some, and for others something they don't give up on pushing, especially if they think the other person is weak...
I don't know how women are, but I have found that men will see a woman as a sexual object, and no matter how the two have moved to different direction, he certainly may decide to come back and ask her to play, fully knowing she is with someone else, just because she allowed him to push her past some boundaries...
All I can say is good luck, and be willing to stand your ground, especially if this is something you don't want to go into... As I said, and others, some men don't stop there, and your guy certainly has felt the urge to continue to push you into one fantasy after another...
Good luck | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/28/2009 8:01:50 AM | I think you actually have bigger problems. For one, I believe this guy only sees you as a FB. So the relationship in his eyes is only sexual. So you need to test the relationship in other areas, otherwise he is going to keep pestering you about this, until he takes his pecker some place else.
So my advice is be blunt. Tell him to cut it out or that then the sex is going to go away. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/28/2009 8:09:45 AM | I think based on what you already told him you DID already find a way to politely get out of a threesome.If he won't listen to you...it's time to get as RUDE as he is being.
If he can't respect your boundaries,you might want to take heed in the warning your friend gave you about him.If he can't respect YOU and your feelings....why would you feel the need to care about his feelings?
That is the real issues here.Don't place him on a pedastal above you...he's just a man.
There are plenty of men who won't expect you to do something against your wishes or desires.Men without selfish agenda's that is. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/28/2009 9:47:45 AM |
Since I admire and respect him for the person he is and the way he works, and he has stated (even in front of others) how he likes my principles, intelligence and personality,
Sure he likes them right up till the point where you wont have a lesbian encounter with another woman....Did you even read what you wrote? You have already told him you werent interested, yet he brought it up again. Exactly what part of liking your principles is he respecting at that point?
In any case, right now I'm putting some distance. Whilst I'm not going to throw at him some sermon over dignity and respect for my heart, I think it's time to stop being there at his convenience, and let him do some work if he really wants to continue having something beyond friendship with me.
Seems that some men need to be pushed to think and reconsider, so they can value properly what they've got.
I dont think you are going to do that, every part of your posts screams needy. The fact that you have "allowed" this man to talk you into other sexual acts that you didnt want to do says a lot about you.
Exactly why are you unwilling to have a conversation about respecting your heart? | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/28/2009 1:39:53 PM | Hi all,
Thank you for your comments.
Well, as I mentioned before, I learnt a few things about him during the weekend that show it's time to put a stop on things.
Grizzelda (and the rest):
The reason why I'm not going to throw a sermon at him is because guys get scared with that kind of thing. We were friends before getting intimate, we move in the same circles because of our interests, and it's against (both) of our best interests to have a row and end up in an aggravated situation.
The reason why I allowed some things was because I trusted him to experiment with things I was curious about. However, the idea of the threesome crosses a moral boundary that I'm not prepared to touch, and that's it.
As I stated, and because there were some ingredients (at first) that could be ground for a relationship, what I wanted was to be able to express my opinion clearly, once and for all, but not in a way that was demeaning or seeking confrontation, which I think is a possibility in almost any type of disagreement in a relationship.
You are wrong in stating that I look needy. I don't know how people perceive how I am, but I had my fingers burnt up to the elbow because of somebody who promised me the world and then dissapeared, and I spent two years without dating in order to become confident and secure enough to not "need" the nice words from a man to feel good about myself.
So when things developed with this guy, even though I like him, I realised that men say a lot of things to get their way, so I thought ok, let's have the fun, but my heart is not entering into it. I don't need "this" guy, I'm not going to be waiting around wondering where he is or whatever, and crying myself to sleep when I see him talking to another woman.
As I said, and having found new information about him and his devices, I'm going to put some distance with him. I'll be polite (don't want to hint at what I know), say that we are friends, almost colleagues, and that I can't allow a secret sexual relationship to spoil that. I want to remain friends and that's it, and that I'm sure we will be better off for that. No more sex, or I miss you kind of talk allowed. Period.
So, as my friend said, if, by any chance, he is really looking to change at the dawn of his life and find somebody to settle with, so some of the things he told me are true, he will be chasing and trying to prove them. Otherwise, I have my answer before I allow myself to feel anything beyond the natural care and respect of our friendship.
But, got to say, your opinions have been great, it's a relief to think that, in a society where people either get what they want or they go to find it elsewhere, there is still such a high level of agreement about the fact that personal and moral boundaries should be respected.
Thanks to you guys I've found myself clear enough to find this resolution before I get messed up. He is strong, wealthy, popular with ladies, used to get what he wants, but now he has found his match.
Take care all of you. | |
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| How do I get (politely) out of a threesome
Posted: 9/28/2009 2:42:33 PM | Sounds like he's looking for an excuse to screw another chick -and do it with your approval...
If you decide to go through with something you disapprove of this time, well? whats he going to want you to do next time? film you with a donkey? sheep, -invite your mom over for a little naughty time with the two of you?
Don't be such a doormat, if you don't like whats going on, draw the line or get out! | |
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