| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 4:44:44 PM | | Get a female acquaintance of yours, give her a key to your place if you don't live with your girlfriend, or give her a key to the place you and your girlfriend share, and have her drop buy at a designated time that you and your girlfriend will be there. Maybe it's bowling night and she's getting her bowling ball that you borrowed. As she leaves have her say to your girlfriend, "take care of him, if you don't I will." Then have her say, "I'll be bringing this back tomorrow, so you can use it on Thursday." Then tell your girlfriend that she comes on to you often, and that you're not telling her this to make her jealous, just to let her know how honest you are. Tell her that she and your friend should be good friends, because you need to give her your key 'cause you need to borrow her bowling ball. See if she is as understanding as she expects you to be. My guess is she'll tell you to buy a bowling ball, get your key back, and limit your time with her. There's a fix for everything, and a justification if you don't want to fix it. Visitation is one thing, having a key and coming on to someone is another. If your girlfriend doesn't have a problem with this maybe you should wonder why. She should have taken that key back the first time he came on to her. He's not just coming to spend time with his daughter. Sounds to me like she's playing with the both of you. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 4:45:25 PM | OP I would take the Door Unacceptable, what utter nonsense. I would of put a stop
to the situation in hand immediately, your at fault OP for allowing this to continue and
tell her this is over He Stays then your going out the door.
This guy, Her X has the right while I'm there or not to open my door without knowledge
of him passing or even if I did, he can open the door and walk right in, go through my
stuff in which this is a invasion of my privacy and this is all good no problems to few of
the posters.
Well I got me a Shot-Gun OOO Buck Mag Steel Ball and a Muzzle velocity of 1800 feet
per second and her name is Trudie. and could mistake him for a thief   | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 4:53:00 PM |
This guy, Her X has the right while I'm there or not to open my door without knowledge
of him passing or even if I did, he can open the door and walk right in, go through my
stuff in which this is a invasion of my privacy and this is all good no problems to few of
the posters.
The op doesn't live at the residence in question.. So his issue with the matter is just that "his issue". If it's to much for him to handle then he needs to move on. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 4:53:34 PM | You know that the pictures turned over, or the jumbled love letters, once left are just to peeve you off right? So, don't get peeved, smile in the knowing that it doesn't matter, your with her now.
Your doing exactly what he wants you to do... Your getting peeved.
It's only been 5 months... She has a right to allow him a key, he helps her by picking up their child, he stays with the child and therefore, has that Daddy, bonding time... that's important.
Your lucky you have an ex, that allows Daddy still in the child's life and wants same... sounds like a nice lady.
Also you say "he hit on her" and that he doesn't like the fact she has a new boyfriend..
So, she communicates as well and lets you know isn't that fantastic as well, a woman who can communicate..
Do you seriously think if this relationship escalates to living together, that she would keep those same arrangements? I don't think so, she sounds astute, it would be your home then as a family, step dad, it wouldn't happen in my opinion.
Quit worrying and quit being peeved you have to understand everyone has feelings and he's jealous, simple....
Your together, happy and in a good relationship that's all that counts.
When the time comes that you are ready for the next step, then discuss and communicate how you are "then" going to handle this, not now.. Because, then you have a right to ask for compromise over this situation at present you don't. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 4:57:07 PM |
If it's to much for him to handle then he needs to move on.
Well, it's just exactly that, Rock Man, we agree on that. I take it you mean by that, though, that until moving in together is discussed, that the OP should just mind his own business, until that point? I do agree that, if he's not living there currently, then okay...but if he and his newish g/f are growing closer...at what point, children involved or not, does one cut the ex-strings? At what point can one say "HELL NO!!!"????
I know I sure as hell wouldn't be pleased about the possibility of my own privacy being invaded, just to maintain the 'status quo' "JUST BECAUSE" children were involved, yanno?
But you're right, the OP needs to decide it this is something he can deal with, or possibly continue to deal with. Personally? I'd take a pass, but that's just me. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 5:26:34 PM | Sorry but I have lived a calm peaceful life for many years learning how to keep my ego, pride and humility in check. So I see this differently.
When I was married I had keys not only to her ex husbands house I also had keys to his restaurant and his car and truck.
We never knocked when entering the others home. When we happened to be at either place together it was for the children. With three daughters from that marriage there was alot of here and there stuff.
You know in 15 years of that relationship I don't think we ever had a sporting event or B-day celebration with out the other in attendance. Even if it was a stupid pool party.
It wasn't just for the kids, it was also about peace and serenity.
Just because their relationship didn't work out doesn't mean either one had to be a bad guy. We where definitely two different people but he really wasn't so bad.
Then again I'm the guy that helped My ex wife and her new boyfriend move. My new wife had a problem with it but no one else did. Funny now she's the ex I wouldn't piss on if she was on fire. But I'd help my first ex move again.
Way to many people compare their insides to everyone else's outsides, mix that with the self centered world we live in and even though the op is only 1 out of 4 people in this situation he feels as though his feelings are the most important. Feck in the real world you need at least 51% to have a "controlling" interest!
That house was doing this before the op ever knew her and it will be doing just fine long after he is gone. Accept it or move the feck on! | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 5:32:43 PM | The op doesn't live at the residence in question.. So his issue with the matter is just that "his issue". If it's to much for him to handle then he needs to move on.
"goes through stuff of ours." ????? I figured he did or spent the majority of time there.
OKkkkkkkkkk I just read Thanks for the Heads-Up Rock-Man.
Op time to hit the road to much Baggage for you to Handel.
Time to get a New Fishing Rod. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 6:17:36 PM | | Hey landra ... lets put the shoe on the other foot for a little itty bitty minute. Lets assume your live in boyfriend lets his x wife come into your home when you were not there .... You are damn right she would be checking out your shoes, clothes .. undies ... bank accounts .. etc when you were not around ... be real people. Bad situation. Make some rules now. He should be experiencing quality time with his children in his own home .... end of problem! | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 7:44:34 PM | Hmmm, this just reinforces my decision to shy away from divorced men w/kids. But anyway...
OP, it's been five months, they've obviously known each other for years. It makes me wonder what kind of person you are to think he'd be going through your things every time he's there. Must be something you would do...
It's not your house. It's not your child. It's really not your business. Maybe when you're together longer and actually live together you can rework the situation. (i.e. move into a place that can be both of yours!) If I were in her shoes and you brought up this problem I would be totally turned off. But... what if you did and she changed the whole situation only to have things not work out between you two? You would have caused an uproar and a change in the poor daughter's routine just to appease your own selfish needs. This woman and her ex and the daughter are a package deal and I am sure you knew that going in. It's not fair for a new man who comes around to expect everything to change because of his insecurities. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 7:47:31 PM | | Its a nice situation for the daughter. My advice.... Don't try to change this, If the daughter starts to suffer or is unhappy it will be the end of your relationship. In this day and age it is VERY SELDOM that the parents try to work together for the good of the child/children. Later on after the child is off to college and her own life... If he still has a key and sits around drinking your beer etc. then I would say you have a right put your foot down. But for now you do not have any right. she is smiling and shrugging YOU off, Because the two parents of this child are doing what THEY think is right. Is this your house or hers? | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 7:59:24 PM | | my ex has a key to my place. It has come in handy when the kiddo has forgotten "xyz" or I'm running late , he can just take her home, get her to bed etc. There is nothing in my house that I'm worried about him seeing. If he comes across a love letter from a guy I'm seeing...let him read it, we aren't together so it doesn't matter. I also let friends stay over or house sit when I'm out of town. They might nose around too, but I have a certain amount of trust with them, that anything they might find certainly isn't going to be a big shock to them. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 7:59:27 PM | OP how committed are you that you are looking for a ltr on here?
You are how old and don't discuss this with her? How old is she? How old is the daughter i.e. what kind of toys does she "need."
Do you have a key?
Sounds like the things you are accusing him of are things you would do, you need to check your jealous issues. That seems to be a sign that you are capable of doing those things.
Are you really committed? | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 8:03:30 PM | I can understand why the OP doesn't like it, but sometimes we have to just put up with things we don't like....and of all the ways in which exes can be annoying, this seems relatively minor. The girlfriend and her ex have a situation that works for them and, most importantly, for their child. That is GOOD, and it's GREAT that he (the ex) is an active part of his daughter's life. Unsettling that for the sake of the OP's insecurities would, I fear, put the OP in the position of bad guy, and not without reason. And honestly, IMO five months of dating really doesn't justify making demands about how your girlfriend organizes her and her child's life. IF you get to the point where you decide to live together, then you will be in a better position to try to rearrange this system.
If the ex is getting his digs in with scattering magnetized love talk and turning over a few pictures in the house, well really....so? You say you trust your girlfriend....this is exactly the kind of situation, I think, that gives you the opportunity to prove that, by not interfering in the choices that she makes for the sake of her child's happiness and security. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 8:05:43 PM |
applette: Hey landra ... lets put the shoe on the other foot for a little itty bitty minute. Lets assume your live in boyfriend lets his x wife come into your home when you were not there what does this have to do with me? I'd make choices to avoid this type of situation.
1- I never date anyone with minor children.
2- I'd never have a "live in boyfriend". He'd have to be my husband.
3-There would not be any children involved that would necessitate sharing access to a home.
Pretty simple .... end of problem! | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 8:10:14 PM | Well, there isn't a snowball's chance in hell that I'd ever give an X my house key. It simply isn't done. And further to that, since when couldn't adults agree to visitation arrangements that DO NOT constitute having the X park his a$$ in your house where your privacy and new life is completely invaded?
It isn't hard to see what's going on here. Firstly, I'm unimpressed with your new girlfriend OP. I think she's got a strange way about her that she goes for this arrangement at all. Also, she's not very kind or considerate toward you considering she told you that her X came onto her and so on. Really, she ought to take your place into account just a tad more.
I don't see you as being insecure at all here but if you felt that way, I certainly could see why! And yes, the man ought to have separate clothing for his children at his own home. He does have children after all and mothers do it all the time. Why can't they?
This just wreaks of inappropriate conduct on the parts of your girlfriend and her X husband. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 8:10:54 PM | But you're right, the OP needs to decide it this is something he can deal with, or possibly continue to deal with. Personally? I'd take a pass, but that's just me.
I would too, if some of the occurances that the OP says have happened were occurring. I suppose it's possible that his girlfriend's child could be moving the cards or other personal belongings. But the fact that the guy doesn't have toys and stuff in his own home sounds like he's providing an excuse to enable the OP's girlfriend to pity the fool and let him keep coming into her home.
Right... wrong... I don't know the guy personally. If it was a situation where I didn't think I'd feel comfortable living together somewhere down the road, I think I'd put an end to it before I got too invested in the relationship. Maybe it's a good environment for the child involved; and if it is, great. I'd bow out and let them continue their lives without me. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 8:11:22 PM | Oi stop creating problems when there is none!
You are going out with this woman for 5 months and no guarantee u2 will last. Enjoy what you have with her and see what goes. Don't worry what he thinks either | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 8:37:02 PM | I have to agree with ~The Rock Man~, metalvixxn, and some of the others.
Although he moved out YEARS ago, my ex husband stillhas - and uses - the key to my place. NEVER had a problem with it, and sometimes I'm not home when he and one of the boys "need" to get something... (especially having a child with autism, life can get hectic and things can be forgotten at one home or the other!)
The truth is we are still supportive of each other, and still a family unit, just a non-traditional family. Anyone - guy or girl - coming into the picture needs to be okay with that, period.
If the current situation is working for the non-traditional family unit you are starting to become involved with, you have no business changing it. I think it's cool the child gets (what I hope is) quality time with her Daddy. The fact that he is also responsible for other children means he is either helping out or earning some income, either being admirable. The fact that it is in the child's regular environment means a LOT, probably to all three involved! (Especially to the ex, if it is true he has very little for the child himself... possibly he's doing the best he can in hard times?!)
Dating and becoming involved with a woman with a child or children can be complicated. In the end you may not see eye to eye on this, no matter how intense the relationship gets. She's a package deal... are you sure you are ready to take on all that comes with that, because it seems YOUR insecurities are showing.
If you haven't spoken to her in a casual way about it, do it now. But realize ultimately things may not change (the ex may be in her life in a significant way for a long time, and NO that does NOT mean they are having sex... sheesh!) )... are you comfortable with that? If not, set your lady free and find someone who is a better fit for you.
Just my advice.
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 9:17:39 PM | My ex has a key for my house and he can hang out with his daughter in my house as long he don't go rummaging through my blooooooooomer's draw...LOL
Not all ex's are nasty, we just couldn't handle each other as a couple. Our baby benefits from our adult-like behaviours (cough) and she just loves her parents. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/28/2009 11:59:42 PM |
Sorry but I have lived a calm peaceful life for many years learning how to keep my ego, pride and humility in check. So I see this differently.
When I was married I had keys not only to her ex husbands house I also had keys to his restaurant and his car and truck.
We never knocked when entering the others home. When we happened to be at either place together it was for the children. With three daughters from that marriage there was alot of here and there stuff.
You know in 15 years of that relationship I don't think we ever had a sporting event or B-day celebration with out the other in attendance. Even if it was a stupid pool party.
It wasn't just for the kids, it was also about peace and serenity.
Just because their relationship didn't work out doesn't mean either one had to be a bad guy. We where definitely two different people but he really wasn't so bad.
Then again I'm the guy that helped My ex wife and her new boyfriend move. My new wife had a problem with it but no one else did. Funny now she's the ex I wouldn't piss on if she was on fire. But I'd help my first ex move again.
Way to many people compare their insides to everyone else's outsides, mix that with the self centered world we live in and even though the op is only 1 out of 4 people in this situation he feels as though his feelings are the most important. Feck in the real world you need at least 51% to have a "controlling" interest!
That house was doing this before the op ever knew her and it will be doing just fine long after he is gone. Accept it or move the feck on!
Rock, while I think you normally have great points in your posts, there's one glaring observation that you're completely overlooking.
This guy is actively hitting on, and pining after, the OP's girlfriend. While under normal circumstances, I would agree with her allowing the ex to keep a key for the sake of the children... these are not normal circumstances. He's not dropping by JUST for the kids. He's also being creepy, stalkerish, and imposing himself upon the OP's personal relationship.
Of course, I can't speak for you, but I have to wonder if you'd have felt the same way about the other guy if he was constantly waiting in the wings for your relationship to crash and burn. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/29/2009 1:45:53 AM | This guy is actively hitting on, and pining after, the OP's girlfriend
and...?
if she is over him , has moved on, and is happy with another guy now what does the fact the ex holds a candle for her have to do with it all...?
i could be pining after an ex, hitting on them and actively trying to get them back with me, but if the feelings are not reciprocated then they are not reciprocated...
the best and most sure fire way to make a total pigs ear of this situation is for the OP to start stamping his feet and throwing down ultimatums..
they have been together for only 5 months, and making demands on what is a 3.5 yr arrangement between her and the ex, that seems to work fine for them, is only gonna result in OP seeminig like a petulant child and will result in her thinking 'this is way to much drama, on your bike....'
the ex will in time get used to that fact she has moved on , realise that she is now with someone else and move on himself..
to be perfectly honest .. im not sure i would be totally happy with the situation either, but then the problem and solution would lie with me, it would be up to me to decide if this was worth the upset and negative feelings it was creating IN ME and either learn to put up with it or leave... the problem is definately OPs IMO, | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/29/2009 2:54:05 AM | | It comes down to two dogs pissin on the same tree. i would let it go for now.. if you make a stink out of it she will say something to him about it.. if the dudes smart he will know that the sudden change could only have derived from you complaining about the situation and that may just cause you more drama. unless you walk through the door and catch em in some type of act. just let it slide if its workin | |
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| WAKE UP!
Posted: 9/29/2009 2:59:36 AM | | As you can see the females think its great that he's in their childs life, DUH! Any man that wouldnt take care of what is his is truly a piece of ****! 3.5 years Change the locks. Lets see he got there in a car umm .... Wait his ass in the driveway.if he has a home, why not take them there? If you really care for her tell her. Help her to be strong and grow to be a confident woman. Beaware as long as they share a child you will always have to deal with him. You will have to think about that.GOOD LUCK | |
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| WAKE UP!
Posted: 9/29/2009 3:11:10 AM | As you can see the females think its great that he's in their childs life, DUH!
^ Sure ~ but not in this capacity. I completely disagree with this situation and would have drop kicked his a$$ after the locks were changed.. but that's me (happily so).
At the end of the day, OP's girlfriend has to bust that move not OP. Question is.. does she have the personal strength to do so? If not, OP either tolerates it or he doesn't ~ end of story. | |
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