| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/29/2009 5:13:18 AM | This guy is actively hitting on, and pining after, the OP's girlfriend and...? if she is over him , has moved on, and is happy with another guy now what does the fact the ex holds a candle for her have to do with it all...?
Well let's see. She's over him, he's not over her. One day I move in with her, he's got a key to the house, and he doesn't like the idea that I'm now sleeping in the same bed as the woman he wants. One night I wake up to this guy who didn't even have to break into the house standing over me, breathing heavy, waiting for my eyes to open so I can witness him thrust the knife into my chest.
That might have something to do with it. I'm not going to hold it against the OP for not being naïve about the kinds of things jealousy can cause people to do. Do some research... that sort of thing happens all the time with jealous ex-boyfriends, though in the majority of cases it's the ex-girlfriend on the receiving end of the violent death. The fact that his girlfriend won't sleep with the guy ever again has nothing to do with it.
it would be up to me to decide if this was worth the upset and negative feelings it was creating IN ME and either learn to put up with it or leave... the problem is definately OPs IMO,
Of course it's the OP's problem. And I believe that's why most people are encouraging him to leave. Whether it's because they agree with his view of the situation or not, everybody recognizes that it's obviously not a situation he should remain in. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/29/2009 6:13:34 AM | OP, I still have keys to my old house. My EX and I have discussed how this helps me co-parent the children. Here's the KEY element in our situation; I NEVER arrive unannounced. She always knows when I'm coming over.
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/29/2009 6:19:34 AM |
I still have keys to my old house. My EX and I have discussed how this helps me co-parent the children. Here's the KEY element in our situation; I NEVER arrive unannounced. She always knows when I'm coming over.
If you NEVER arrive unannounced and your EX always knows when you're coming over so she can let you in, why do you need the keys to the house - that you no longer own? Do you have keys to her car too? Does she have access to YOUR house? | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/29/2009 6:41:02 AM | Wow---
It makes me wonder what kind of person you are to think he'd be going through your things every time he's there. Must be something you would do...
^^that is what I was thinknig too. I don't understand why you think that he is snooping through your stuff---
My ex has a key to my place-- it is very convienent. There are times when he puts our son to bed at my place, if I am not going to be home until late. I trust him. We are both comfortable in both of our son's homes.
I am in the early stages of a new relationship. I am making sure to keep open communication with our arrangements. My boyfriend is comfortable telling me when soemthing concerns him, and we are working on ways to take all things into consideration. I am not going to change my parenting arrangements to accomadate him--- but I respect his feelings, and am willing to compromise.
OP--maybe you should try looking for alternate solutions, other than dump her or suck it up. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/29/2009 6:45:49 AM | I didn't read all the posts, but when I saw this thread I had to comment.
My ex's ex-wife had a key to the house. It drove me nuts. She would let herself in anytime she pleased. One morning I got out of the shower and found her sitting at my kitchen table drinking coffee and putting on her makeup (it was 7:00am on a workday).
When I approached him about it he said "that's the mother of my child - she can come here whenever she wants"
When we would go away for a weekend she would let herself in the house and do her laundry (using up all the laundry detergent and never replaced it) and would eat our food and drink our beer/wine/soda. She would also order movies on PPV and not reimburse me for it.
When I approached him about it I got the same song and dance about "that's the mother of my child" and "we were married for 10 years and this used to be her house"
Thank God he's my ex now. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/29/2009 6:58:46 AM | I'm not pushing to move in at all, she has hinted at it in the future.
Ok guys thanks for all of your input, you all have different views on this subject which is great, (some of you need to look outside the box more and use your common sense).
Some points that I should have mentioned in my original post:
I stay at hers from Thursday till Sunday, some of my clothes and items are round there.
I have a key on these days as I usually get to hers before she does so I can start dinner and have a tidy round.
She doesn't like her ex much as he is an emotional retard (her words) and he causes arguments, I've actually heard him say he never wants to see his daughter again because she has her new daddy now (he said this infront of her).
Thanks to the people who voted this thread as Attention Seeking, I just wanted views that's all. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/29/2009 8:00:31 AM |
This guy is actively hitting on, and pining after, the OP's girlfriend. While under normal circumstances, I would agree with her allowing the ex to keep a key for the sake of the children... these are not normal circumstances. He's not dropping by JUST for the kids. He's also being creepy, stalkerish, and imposing himself upon the OP's personal relationship.
I have to agree with this statement.
The situation CAN work as long as there are no lingering feelings involved. From what the OP described, this is not the case. The GF's ex frankly has not moved on, and the blurred boundaries, whether they work for the benefit of their child (the innocent) or not, certainly have not helped this man move on. THIS is the primary concern. NOT the logistical issues.
I've had boundary issues with my first wife, my son's mother. She has always wanted to remain 'friends' with me, 7 years after our divorce. The problem is that she uses our 'friendship' to manipulate me and my/our son and causes a lot of division. And she does all this because she still holds a torch for me, although she is remarried with other children. I recently had to sever all ties to this friendship because of her controlling and manipulative nature.
Creating boundaries is a major issue with every separation. Although this situation seems to work on the surface, dysfunction will rear it's ugly head soon enough. I feel the OP has a right to be concerned. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/29/2009 8:45:27 AM | I am the one that has the key to my ex's house...for the sake of the kids.
We have now been divorced as many years as we were married. Since then, we have an adjustable relationship; whatever works for us both in parenting our daughters. While we don't always agree on everything, we do always work towards what is best for our 'non-traditional' family. We have additional factors, such as a mentally impaired daughter, that doesn't always make the issue so cut and dry.
There have been times I don't have the key; when he has been in a serious relationship in the past, I give the key back. I don't want his new girlfriend to have any concerns. I always make sure she knows that I respect her and their relationship.
When my ex is not in a relationship, I usually have the key and am free to come and go as needed; not just because I want to. Even in this scenario, I always respect my ex's privacy. As I don't live close anymore, if I am in town to visit my daughters, depending on circumstances, I will either stay in the house during my visit (if he isn't seeing anyone) or I will find another place to stay. Neither of us are interested in 'getting back together'; our relationship is now just as co-parents that are still part of a family unit. That will never change.
In our reality, the house is more like our youngest daughter's house; her 'home base'. We are just there to be her parents, whether together or apart.
This whole situation can be a touchy subject and requires maturity on all parts; the ex's and the current boyfriend/girlfriend. I have had boyfriends who's ex would drive me crazy if they had the key to his place. They would do anything they could to break up any relationship my bf was in, including mine. So I don't think there is a 'one size fits all' answer to this situation.
In the OP's situation, I do think his gf should take his feelings into account and try to make it better for him. They need to have an honest conversation and get this out in the open. Just because someone has been doing something for 3.5 years doesn't mean it can't change. Doesn't mean it has to change either. They need to come to an agreement on what works best for everyone, with the focus being on the child/ren and the relationships for the adults. And realize there is no 'one' way to have a good divorce or parenting relationship. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/29/2009 11:54:13 AM | Ok I am going into left field here...but it sounds to me like the only one with an issue here is the OP...
they have only been dating for five months, and he is already showing signs of being insecure and possesive, if she is ok with her ex husband having a key to her house, why is it any of your business? are you living together? it didnt sound like it, so technically, its none of your business.
then you said he probably looks through OUR stuff...if its at her house, isnt it her stuff?
It seems to me, like they have a pretty good arrangement, so why are you so bothered by it? | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/29/2009 12:21:05 PM | OP, until you are at the point in your GF's life where this guy doesn't need to enter her apartment in order to fulfill his custody requirements, your GF doesn't need to take back her X's key to her apartment. First you should be happy that your GF's daughter has got both a female AND male parental influence in her life. Her daughter should be her 1st priority; you aren't #1, if you think you are, you are either sadly mistaken. Do you want to date a woman who is abandoning her parental responsibilities? I think not.
Granted this X of hers has been a jackass to you. Newsflash: people sometimes are jackasses, and life isn't fair. Best thing you can do is work on your relationship with your GF. Her X shouldn't come into this picture. Sounds like her hasn't. Now of course if she's fooling around with him, you have a totally different scenario, you should probably dump her. Best for you to do now is chill. If your relationship with her progresses, you will naturally get to a point where her X won't need that key. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/29/2009 3:17:37 PM | Your issue should be with your dating partner.
Her ex could not do any of the things you mentioned as being "unacceptable" or objectionable without your girl's approval, acquiescence and support.
Consider her a willing participant in the on going relationship that she and her "ex" have.
You want to be the third spoke in the wheel then Good Luck with that.
I wouldn't. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/29/2009 4:45:49 PM |
dcoffman said:
I might also recommend trying to build some sort of a relationship with the ex.
I agree with this post. Just because he's your g/f's ex doesn't make him your enemy. My exes b/f and I negotiated the divorce. He's the step father of my daughters now and that has been a big plus plus for them and me.
You have the opportunity to be a real stand up guy right now. Do what you are comfortable with. I wouldn't be making any demands on this. It wouldn't be pretty and you might be resented for it. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/29/2009 5:05:38 PM | ^^^ Exactly. Children only benefit when adults can act maturely in this situation that can be difficult for all.
Non-traditional families are here to stay. Everyone, kids and adults, can grow in these situations. Figure out how you can make it work, not why it can't work. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/29/2009 7:23:51 PM | While I couldn't see myself staying in that kind of situation, how about trying to find a nice girl/woman for the ex? Any women that you know that would be just perfect for him?
First of all, a new girlfriend will keep his mind of your GF and she might not be too happy with the present arrangement and might ask him to watch the child in his home.
I don't know, just a thought. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/29/2009 9:01:06 PM | OP, you trust your girlfriend so what this is really about is a pissing match about territory and you are falling right into his little b.s. Why do you give a shit if he jumbles messages with the magnets, Jesus Christ, it is hard to find someone with whom you are compatible. If your relationship becomes more permanent, the problem is going away.
You don't live there, the guy isn't hanging out when you're there, you are making a mountain out of a molehill. If you move in with her then you have an issue with him having a key and address it at that time.
My ex has nothing for my kids at his house because they are pretty much never there. He is a railroad engineer and works strange hours so if he is around, he stops by and gets the kids and takes them to the store or to go eat something or he may hang out here for a while. I could really give a rat's butt because I don't pay any attention to him.
He doesn't have a key but because of one of my dogs, he walks into the house just like my friends do, it is easier to sort of sneak in before the 110 lb dork realizes someone she wants to play with has shown up. If someone knocks it is incredibly difficult to get them in the door without sending the pooch to another room and if she's in the mood, she'll shoot out the door to go visit the dogs two houses down and it is a huge pain collecting her....Easier for people to walk in and avoid all this. If I was seeing someone things would be different from the standpoint that he would then not set one foot in the house.
Your girlfriend doesn't want him so that is why she could give a crap whether he thinks they might get back together or not, whether he brings it up or not, she ignores it. This is why she feels no need to set boundaries. It sounds like the majority of the time he is there, she is not and I guess she feels if he wants to rummage through her stuff, she doesn't care about that either because his opinion, etc. doesn't matter to her. If you have things you don't want him to see because it is personal, keep them at your place.
It really sounds like if you take a pill and nothing happens to derail your situation, one of you will move and you can then set the parameters together. I think that is the only issue you have, talking to her about how you will handle this situation if you do wind up living together. If she doesn't understand that this would bother you under those circumstances, which would be understandable, then maybe you have a problem. For now, let the douchebag think whatever he wants, he's not getting her back and he's not breaking you up unless you let him.
In the meantime there is continuity for her daughter which is something you should support.
Well let's see. She's over him, he's not over her. One day I move in with her, he's got a key to the house, and he doesn't like the idea that I'm now sleeping in the same bed as the woman he wants. One night I wake up to this guy who didn't even have to break into the house standing over me, breathing heavy, waiting for my eyes to open so I can witness him thrust the knife into my chest.
I haven't read all three pages of drivel but I don't think anyone has suggested that it is appropriate for him to have a key if they are living together. I am assuming if the OP is sleeping at her house, her daughter is with her dad. I also don't think the OP has ever said anything about the guy coming into the house when he is there, I presume the man knows that the OP is having sex with his ex and consequently if he was planning on going mental that ship would have sailed. He'd probably kill you in your sleep, less struggle, so the eyes open thing is way over melodramatic, yes? | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/29/2009 9:18:50 PM | | I wouldn't worry about it. He only needs to use the key if no one is at home to let him and the daughter in. I would be worried more if he didn't have a key and spent several hours with the mom every week, but it's just an empty house, and makes parenting switchovers easier. No biggie. Things would probably change if you moved in, but you're not there yet, so calm down. It's been 3.5 years. My ex had my key so that he could drop off our cat when we did a switchover (when either of us were out of town). This actually minimized the time that we had to spend with each other because that meant that I didn't have to arrange to be home to let him in. Don't worry about it. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/29/2009 9:26:07 PM |
Some points that I should have mentioned in my original post:
I stay at hers from Thursday till Sunday, some of my clothes and items are round there.
I have a key on these days as I usually get to hers before she does so I can start dinner and have a tidy round. She doesn't like her ex much as he is an emotional retard (her words) and he causes arguments, I've actually heard him say he never wants to see his daughter again because she has her new daddy now (he said this infront of her).
I get that this makes you uncomfortable and that his behavior is irritating but seriously, all you have to do is continue to maintain the high road and he's just going to keep digging a bigger hole. It is unfortunate that he says shitty things in front of his child but you have no control over that and can only try to mitigate those situations so that the child doesn't feel badly.
Some men/women don't seem to ever get over the ex and the fantasy that they will get back together. They can't seem to separate the relationship with the kids from the relationship they used to have with the spouse/other parent. My ex seems to be this way, 20 years from now, I hopefully will see him very rarely but he probably will still think he has some right to have opinions about my life yada, yada. Who gives a toot? He is also a social retard but he is a social retard I rarely have to deal with. When he acts like a horse's ass he isn't allowed in the house.
It doesn't sound like he is going to be cooperative where you are concerned but if I were in your shoes, I would also try to be friendly and talk to him, etc. Things with my stepson's mother were not rosey for many years, she was a huge pain in the ass but I kept trying to act decently and somewhere along the line, when he was older and his choices were more on him than the parents, we became friends. This is really the best thing you can do for your girlfriend and her daughter. He may not reciprocate but you know you tried and that's all you can do. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/30/2009 1:37:57 AM | She needs to act like a grown adult, recognize you deserve the security and respect she's not affording you, and you need to stand up for yourself by putting an end to this, gently and respectfully with open-ness to possibly escalating it into a major issue. He's an ex, seperated partners were once partners for a reason and it's inappropriate for her to let a guy hang out in her home, with her and he alone, who she's already previously accepted into her heart, mind and body... while clearly in a committed relationship with another man.
Don't allow this mistreatment. If you don't stand up for your own worth and value, you're setting it as being as low as her actions are illuding to. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/30/2009 1:41:11 AM | | Well she is lucky that he looks after the kids and she does not need to pay for childcare. don't think of it as an issue/ Once you are living together I guess things would change, but in the meantime don't worry about it and just enjoy what you have. Don't make a issue about ti or you will loose her. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/30/2009 1:59:53 AM |
One night I wake up to this guy who didn't even have to break into the house standing over me, breathing heavy, waiting for my eyes to open so I can witness him thrust the knife into my chest.
so hes suddenly gone from being a father who sees his child after school and waits for the childs mother to come home from work, maybe to tell her about whats gone on at school and what the child needs for the next day/homework etc.. to being a knife weilding madman, just waiting for an opportunity to plunge a blade into the chest of the new fella...
i think you should watch less tv and take a step back into reality here...
maybe he did think that at first they would get back together, and maybe he didnt want the relationship to get to this stage, but that doesnt automatically make him some crazed loony with murderous tendancies.... | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/30/2009 3:09:56 AM | Your girlfriend and her ex have had a relationship for possibly 10 years if they have a school age child. They do have an established relationship which revolves around making life more comfortable for each other in relationship to their child. Don't get jealous about him having a key. You need to communicate with her about what you need in order to feel comfortable with the relationship proceeding. I can see your point of view, but will you be picking up the slack once youve asked your girlfriend to change her arrangement to accommodate your feelings? Or, will it just be a greater burden on her. Maybe she's covering for his inadequacies as a parent because she loves her daughter so much.
If the ex wants to get back together, and he still has his key in the door, beware. Perhaps nothing is going on, but perhaps she is testing how far she can go into sexual tryst with you without letting go of his loving support. What you've described is not uncommon, and many ex's still care for each other as family especially when kids are involved. 5 months is too soon to know, but maybe someday, you could ask her to live with you, to relieve some of the expenses of the two of you having separate places. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/30/2009 5:08:23 AM |
maybe he did think that at first they would get back together, and maybe he didnt want the relationship to get to this stage, but that doesnt automatically make him some crazed loony with murderous tendancies....
Of course it doesn't. What makes him some crazed loony with murderous tendencies is a snap. He's exhibitted signs of stalking based on what the OP has said. All it takes is for one little thing to put him over the edge, and what's going to stop him? A deadbolt? Nope. He's got a key.
I'm fine with people living their lives the way they want. If they don't see a problem with trusting just anybody, then by all means, go ahead. But I've survived this long by trusting my gut instinct. I get the impression the OP is getting some bad vibes. If he's getting those vibes about the dude, I'm guessing they're justified in some way or another. I would never recommend to him to ignore those gut instincts on the premise of, "Hey! They're fine with it, you should be too." Those vibes have gotten me out of house parties when bad people showed up... finding out the next morning that someone got stabbed or beat up by these guys that had showed up who were just having a good time. Naïvity is just not my bag. When I get a sense that something bad is going to happen, it usually does, so I get as far away from it as I can when I can. | |
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/30/2009 5:15:52 AM | I would never put up with this. You need to talk about it and get it ironed out. Does the ex have his own house? Can't he pick the kids up and bring them to his place? This is just insanity, emotional chaos, and a control issue for the ex.
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| The ex still has a key and sits in the house
Posted: 9/30/2009 5:24:49 AM | Nosuchpart said
If you NEVER arrive unannounced and your EX always knows when you're coming over so she can let you in, why do you need the keys to the house - that you no longer own? Do you have keys to her car too? Does she have access to YOUR house?
I never said that I never arrive unannounced so that she can let me in. I usually collect the children after school and take them to my EX's house (which is in the town that my children go to school, etc. But that is after a phone conversation with her so that she knows my intentions.
My name is on the mortgage so I'd say since I'm partially responsible for the loan, I still own the house but we're getting into semantics there. It's her house for all intents and purposes. I have the keys for simplicity sakes.
I do not require keys to her car, I don't understand where you're headed with this question. She doesn't need keys to my house, I pick up and drop off my children 100% of the time. And if she were dropping off my childen, I'd be home.
I guess you're stance is that I shouldn't have keys to my EX's house from the tone of your post. Maybe you can elaborate on your reasoning.
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