| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/4/2009 11:36:39 AM | "A man should never base his self-image on what women think of him in any case, because women's concerns are too materialistic and self-centered. The men who have accomplished the greatest things for our civilization have not, by and large, resembled the heroes of women's romance fiction; indeed, they have been disproportionately celibate. Once a man realizes what triggers female attraction, and understands that women's judgments of men are largely rationalizations of this attraction (or its absence), he will not be inclined to overvalue their opinion of him."
- F. Roger Devlin (source: http://www.thornwalker.com/ditch/devlin_shalit.htm) | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/4/2009 11:51:05 AM | I don't know why there's a stigma associated with older bachelors?
Personally, i think the bachelor may be more responsible than the guy who got married young to the wrong person, and then went through the drama of a divorce, (on possibley more than one occassion) | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/4/2009 12:25:18 PM | | It is difficult to find someone to date when we are older, as many people will not date us because we have not been married. I noticed that at about age 40 men seemed to weird out when they learned I was not divorced with children, and I went from seeming great to being probably ugly and psychotic when they realized I have not been married. (if I met a man online or a blind date type situation and we were talking on the phone) I think there is a stigma for both older bachelors and bachelorettes, but we bachelorettes might have it tougher, as being unmarried seems to mean that we have not dated or no one has wanted to marry us, which is probably not true for most of us. Divorced people never seem to have to prove themselves or explain why they are divorced, but it is like single people have to defend their singleness or try to convince people that they are normal. I would love to find a man who is my age who has not been married and has no children, but these men seem to live on planets besides Earth. Most of the single men I have met want to marry younger women to father a child, or marry a divorced woman to be a step father, although they often complain about the woman's issues from being divorced and her ill behaved children. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/4/2009 4:51:02 PM | | Op does all this really matter?Being put down as a bachelor by the ladies?We all know wimen say one thing and do another.They could say that about you one second and in a hart beat take a interest in you once you pour on a little charm. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/4/2009 7:39:52 PM | Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Because as childless bachelors of mature age we are a mystery to the populace...
To them it's as if we are the few who are still dry in a down pour that has left most ringing wet. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/4/2009 8:11:53 PM | I think that " it such a stigma to be an older bachelor" is bit of an overstatement. It is not the norm, but there are much worse things.
Some of us have gone all through lfe, without any long relationships, much less marriage. Probably, the never married have less developed social skills. That hardly makes them bad people, though.
Back in my 30's and 40's, I didn't meet enough single women to have much of a dating life. With so few dates, then I wasn't likely getting married.
Some men have had negative experiences with women, that left them unwilling to marry. Others have simply not found any suitable partners. Still others were too independent to date or marry. Many causes can keep people single.
Some divorced women want a divorced man. That does not harm older bachelors.
As for me, I am happy to be a bachelor, rather than be twice or thrice divorced. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/5/2009 12:04:26 AM | | I have dated a few men in their 50's who have never been married. I had heard about all the "red flags" associated with this status, but I wanted to be open-minded. In general they can't deal with not getting their way, they get pouty or nasty if they are asked to compromise. I see a high percentage of narcissistic behavior. Are they single because they are narcissists or did they become that way because they only have had to think about themselves? | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/5/2009 2:21:11 AM | | I have had the same experience with divorced men who do not get their way, and wondered if they are divorced because their ex wives finally got tired of being a doormat, or the men were doormats when married and were trying unsuccessfully to prove they mattered or that their opinions mattered. I doubt that most single people think only of themselves, but then my single friends and myself are teachers so we spend our days thinking of others and trying to help them. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/6/2009 1:56:20 AM |
First, you're going WAY too far on him. Because he's a bachelor at 57 doesn't mean he was playing the field (picky or non-picky). In his profile, he hasn't been married. Does that mean he hasn't had an LTR? That would be a VERY hasty claim. And since when does someone being single for too long mean they're USING people or viewing others as conquests??
Some people's only exercise is jumping to conclusions about others. She never would have made it through law school thinking like that. That's kind of sad.
But, to the OP, hang there bro. Life can always be fun. It's exactly what you make it no more - no less. I'm having the time of my life and I'm ten years older than you. Go figure. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/6/2009 6:34:30 AM | OP - I don't believe anyone said to give up. I believe what we've all said, pretty much, is that there are some (sometimes valid) issues that you will most likely need to address. One poster pointed out you may be 'a pisser' - do you have a good attitude? Judging solely by your responses here, I'd have to say no. Some have come to your defense that you're not married because you could have been pursuing a career - yet you state you 'aren't rich', and you don't own your own home- see to me, that would require some explaining. Are you financially irresponsible? You state that you've never married because you were never in love with someone who was in love with you - so I'm thinking you've never been in a LTR. That would make me wonder if you're capable of love (some aren't) - and face it, we ain't gettin any younger - it's not likely that a woman of a certain age wants to invest a lot of time in a dead end relationship.
What I'm saying is - rather than get bitter - perhaps you could take some time and figure out why you are in the position you are - and 'I just haven't met the right woman' is not a legitimate answer - it's a multifaceted question. That way, in the event you do meet a potential partner, you will have thoughtful and introspective answers to her legitimate concerns.
Or you could just crawl into a cave somewhere and lick your wounds. Your choice Opie - life is what YOU make it! | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/6/2009 6:36:50 AM | | Oh, and for the record, the only person I know who 'got himself a Phillipine wife' - she started out doting and submissive - then took over his life, threw out his kids (one came to live with me) and pretty much made his life a living hell. Getting rid of her cost him half of everything he had (which wasn't much). Caveat emptor is right! | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/6/2009 8:19:23 AM | Here comes the assumptions again. Why do people have to assume anything? Why can't women just go out and see for themselves what a guy is like? Having a preconceived assumption sabotages a date before it even starts. These are no longer assumptions: you have proven yourself to be a sad sack who just will NOT see the good side of life. People say "many women won't date an older bachelor" and YOU hear "forget about women". A woman leaves her number and you can't contact her and YOU say "I only have bad luck". You date one woman who couldn't commit to you and somehow think you are the ONLY person this has EVER happened to?! OY! You've missed out on opportunities? Boo friggin' hoo. AND NOW YOU ADMIT YOU ARE BLAMING THE WOMEN!? "Their preconceived notions about why I've never been married sabotages us before we even have a chance. " REALLY?! Your failing to ask for a phone number is THEIR fault? No! YOUR missed opps are YOUR FAULT.
I can tell you one thing: your negative attitude is NOT conducive to online dating. There are FAR FAR more rejections online than off. I suggest you go to a church singles and get yourself a nice, quiet, submissive woman. A woman out here will eat your guts for breakfast. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/6/2009 9:32:41 PM | OP - No one said that you should give up. I said that you have unrealistic expectations. My advice to you would be to remove the restrictions from your profile, and email ladies your age and up. ALL the ladies in your area, including those that are in less-than-perfect shape like yourself. If you truely want to meet someone, you could get on the ball and start being realistic. ( like millions of other people had to do before you )
You are not the first or last man to have problems due to incorrectly expecting things to be a certain way.
For example: Steve2600
He is listed as 42 yrs old, and he looks like a 50-something Mr. Rogers in his first photo. He wants a thin woman, but hasn't done anything to be attractive to those women.
He doesn't understand that lots of thin girls spend a lot of gym time staying that way. While, Steve2600 looks as though he hasn't put in the gym time to build himself up to what girls in demand are attracted to.
He's 42, and trying to use his stated desire to have children as a reason for him to be paired with younger females. ( It's 2009, and females are no longer forced to accept sex with someone inappropriately older to prevent homelessness. Notice that his church has the correct idea, to pair him with people his own age. ) As if his failure to have children at an earlier age somehow makes him attractive to younger ladies? ( that's not their fault that you missed the boat. They have guys their own age to consider. )
Especially with the increased birth defect risk attributed to men over 40, what smart young lady would risk her future children? He won't accept that he let the time pass him by.
He complains that women have expectations in a marriage, but SO DO MEN. Marriage is a give and take, not the man gets everything he wants and expects only.
He complains in his profile about American's attitude of "self-entitlement", while he is a prime example of someone (incorrectly) believing that they are entitled to someone. As if he is entitled to a 110 lb female? Females are NOT possessions.
It's hysterical that he has visited those countries that sell their females as possessions, and he still has not found a wife. Those countries where the ladies must not be educated about the health risks associated with a man's increased age??
I guess he doesn't care how old or risky his sperm becomes? Completely selfish, no regard for the welfare of possible children.
Bluesman2008
She never would have made it through law school thinking like that. That's kind of sad.
?? I'm in the medical field. Not everyone holds law school in high regard. I have always been 100% opposed to that field. I imagine that puzzles you. I guess your world revolves around those that would enter or make it through law school. Sad. Not to mention embarrassing. 
The question involved what women think of older bachelors. No matter how many of you men explain the situation/defend it , many females are going to continue to think the same.
Oh, and an LTR is not a commitment, just a label that is easily removed, so, no it doesn't matter if a guy had several LTRs. And, as some have mentioned, it's not about taming someone or control, it's not about damage or mistakes.
It's about saving time. If a guy has already proven that he doesn't want marriage, a smart girl doesn't want to invest a few years just to realize that HE is always going to be looking for something better. Why would we want to share bodily fluids and risk STDs with someone that most likely isn't a one-woman guy and/or doesn't really want to be married? | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/7/2009 8:56:44 AM | "It's about saving time."
Yes, making blanket generalizations and prejudicial assumptions rather than considering a person's individual situation will save you a lot of time. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/7/2009 4:16:37 PM | I never thought of it as a big deal.
I just turned 41, and up until two years ago never was in one spot long enough to form a relationship, Joined the navy after highschool, at sea most of term, saw the world. after that college for four years, while working full time. Then pursued a career as a biologist in which I worked on various projects. (Lived in 7 states in 5 years), finally worked as a resource manager on a barrier island which had the nicest beach on the east coast. All that fell through, now have a stable job and settled. I really never thought of it as a big deal until I read this post.
Will keep trying though, aand not let it bother me, I've seen and done alot. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/7/2009 6:34:28 PM | Yes, making blanket generalizations and prejudicial assumptions rather than considering a person's individual situation will save you a lot of time.
Must be endemic to the medical profession | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/7/2009 9:05:27 PM | | CassaGo, sad sack? I've proven no such thing, but if you want to see it that way, go right ahead. I don't see the good side of life. Yea, right. I don't sit home. I go out and and enjoy everything that life has to offer. Other than the lack of women, I go out and do a lot of thing, and have a lot of fun. When the woman left her number and I couldn't contact her, of course it's bad luck and I have a right to be upset about it. This woman really showed a huge interest in me. Am I supposed to be happy about a missed opportunity like that when they don't happen that often? And failing to ask for a phone number is my fault, not theirs. Where did you get that idea? Do you know how to read? However, when you say the missed opps are my fault, you are exactly right. I blame myself for most of my missed opps. However, I do blame the women for their preconceived assumptions. Fortunately, most of my recent opps, like the woman who I could no longer contact when she moved, never asked about my status and if she took the time to get to know me without asking about my relationship history, then I'm sure there others like her....Hmm, maybe I won't give up after all. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/7/2009 11:15:21 PM | cfb62
Relationships are all about being able to compromise.
These are skills learned by having relationships.
Have you ever thought that there are very valid reasons someone has not had relationships? With me, I had very valid reasons 17 years, then when these reasons were removed the "STIGMA" stepped in. Should I have left damaged lives in my wake for those 17 years? I think I did the morally correct thing for those years, but for doing the morally correct thing I get stuck with the stigma. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/7/2009 11:58:02 PM | 16madison
It's about saving time. If a guy has already proven that he doesn't want marriage, a smart girl doesn't want to invest a few years just to realize that HE is always going to be looking for something better. Why would we want to share bodily fluids and risk STDs with someone that most likely isn't a one-woman guy and/or doesn't really want to be married?
How have I proven that I don't want to be married? Yes, as I have stated, for 17 years I had a good reason (several actually), but I was actively working on removing those reasons. After I corrected these reasons and started actively looking for marriage material, I was stuck with this and a couple of other stigmas. Shouldn't someone who is responsible for their actions be worth something? (and no, I have not been in trouble with the law.)
Bonita fish
Just my own thinking. But anyone who reaches 40..57 and has never been in a LTR
does not have much expereince in life sharing.
And how am I supposed to get "life sharing expereince"?
Rash, unfounded opinions are disappointing, and I normally hear men being accused of such bad manners. I came to PoF to get away from this type of madness, reading through these forums is starting to lead me to lose faith in humanity. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/8/2009 12:53:35 AM | Because you let the voices in your head convince you that everyone is absolutely concerned with your life and the tiniest detail in it. There should be a brandish B on your forhead so we can all publicly mock you as you hear in your head.
Get over it, you really arent that self important. Just admit you are single because you choose to be.
Hell, if I want to give up that kind of freedom, I would go back out to sea and let the military tell me what to do for another twenty years. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/8/2009 3:03:22 AM | Echoing cfb62 ~
I'm 41 ~ have zero desire / attraction for an older man (50+) .. especially inexperienced. I feel the same way about younger men (less than 42). I'm not here to bash OP's life choices nor belittle his current pursuits.. just keeping it real (from my perspective). The odds are against him, big time! | |
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