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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/8/2009 3:03:28 PM | | First of all Ms. Madison, women play the field too, even the married ones from my experience. So you tell me why I would even consider marriage, what, to make a fool out of myself. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/8/2009 3:46:31 PM | | Just like you said, "they think", that is a preconceived notion of someone they know nothing about. I choose to be a bachelor, because I have yet to meet a woman that can even come close to showing me that she can be faithful! I think you got your thoughts there, ass backwards. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/9/2009 1:06:41 AM | ryant162:
I choose to be a bachelor, because I have yet to meet a woman that can even come close to showing me that she can be faithful!
That shows what type of girls you are picking out. Your picker is broken. You must be selecting females based on some common trait. Why not spend some time figuring out why you are picking out those cheaters? Oh, because you really like ___*****_________about them. Well, now you know that those girls like to spread their __*****___around.
Just like you said, "they think", that is a preconceived notion of someone they know nothing about.
Yes, preconceived notions are out there, just about in all subjects. Even if you don't agree with them, a lot of people are going to continue to have them. (lol, and history repeats itself)
You are 35. A lot of people will have a preconceived notion that you are an eligible bachelor at that age, maybe expecting you to be looking to start a family. You know, dating, hoping to find someone to share your life with. By 35, you've had time for college, dating, work/life experience, established career.
(I see your profile says that you are looking for an "activity partner" , which will probably remove you from the searches for dating or long term - shows what you are looking for. )
In a few years, the closer you get to 40, you will lose your eligible bachelor status, and will appear, to many, as someone who is not interested in getting married.
It doesn't matter how many cheaters that you subconsciously select because you don't want to commit. When 40 hits you, you will be thought of as the picky-user-player-gay guy. : D
 Dismiss it as a preconceived notion all you want. A fool would expect someone to change after 40 years. It may be possible, but it should NOT be expected to happen.
What if you were 40, and had never held a job before?
- should I assume that you will be getting one now?
What if you have always had short hair?
-should I believe that you will grow a pony-tail at 40?
40 years of not cross-dressing, gonna start today?
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maybe, it's possible, but not probable.
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IMO, there is an underlying problem. SOME people want marriage and commitment. (this includes women and men) OTHER people want the excitement of new or multiple partners.
There is nothing wrong with either choice.
Here's where the problem comes in:
Sometimes, a person that desires multiple partners, will desire a person that wants long term. Even if the LTR person states very clearly that they don't want to just play around, that they don't want a casual person, the CASUAL person will still try to be with them. The casual person may try to keep their player intentions hidden.
(dishonest, right? you know that person is looking for a relationship, but, you want a piece, so you pursue what YOU want, possibly claiming to want something permanent, ignoring the wants/needs/rights of the other person...)
What older bachelor's don't like, is the fact that after MANY years of them NOT settling down, their intentions become obvious. The LTR person will no longer be as easily fooled. The LTR person can analyze the fact that for 20 years or more, you did not want to get married.
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 That's the reason why SO MANY of you don't like the stigma. You want to continue the game of pretending that you may want an LTR, just so you can get some!
But, the jig is up. Around 40, if you realistically wanted to spend a "life" with someone, you are running low on years. Many people start having major health problems in their 50's, and 60's.
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There's nothing wrong with not wanting to marry! But, why not be fair and honest? If you know that you just want to be casual, date other casual people!
That LTR person is hot, you want them, but, you don't want the same things.
The LTR person does not want to control you, or force you to commit, they actually do not want you at all! They just want to be with someone that shares the SAME GOALS. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/9/2009 3:49:46 AM | | I can assume that all divorced people did not know how to pick the right person to marry, they could not keep a committment, or they all had affairs. These ideas are unfounded, closed minded and really unfair to divorced people, as if I assume these things I am painting them all with the same brush. I have always wanted to get married, and feel that it was a good thing that I did not marry the men who wanted to marry me, and dated some men a short period of time if they did not want to get serious about me and I wanted to get serious about them. I have been appalled at how many divorced people seem to have a "one up" attitude regarding being better than single people, and seem to know all about what is wrong with us and what we have done wrong as far as not being married at this point in our lives. I am glad that I have avoided relationships that could have resulted in a broken committment of marriage, not caused children pain and heartache, and/or not been in a bad marriage just for the sake of being married and/or having children. I am maligned because I have not lived my life like most others my age have chosen to live their life. Everyone has a right to their opinion, but I try to look at every person as an individual. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/9/2009 7:11:39 AM | It's funny to watch all these other people getting divorced, being miserable, having financial problems, all because they thought they found the right person, got married, & did what society says you're supposed to do. Now, they realize that hey, I have changed, my interests have changed, I want something different, & they're stuck in a situation that's hard to get out of.
So you can label me with your preconceived notions all you want, guess what, I don't care, I know who I am, & what I want. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/9/2009 8:10:36 AM | Hey laktor,
I just want to lend you some support here. I'm quite amazed at people jumping on you like they have been.
Remember that there is always hope. The only thing I might say is that it's better to have loved and failed than to have not loved.
A real woman, a woman of substance, is going to see you for who you are, not particularly what you look like. I've had three marriages, and many many serious relationships. I'm thankful for all of them. Some were beauty queens, some not so much. Some were high quality people, some not so much. All were good experiences. I wouldn't trade them for anything.
The flip side of that coin is the pain and recovery when a relationship falters. Remember that. Being single and being involved are two sides of the same coin. And all relationships end, either through breakup or death. Love... is a losing proposition... always.
But love is part of what we are supposed to do...
Since lifetime relationships are so rare these days, I suggest having a number of female friends. JUST friends. Personally, I like women very much so I try to keep as any non romantic relationships going as I can. Generally speaking- sometimes those friendships turn into more- naturally. If not, I always have someone to hang out with.
That is generally how I try to handle things. It's difficult sometimes because I'm a fairly solitary person, so I have to work very hard to be socially outgoing. But it's worth it. And it gets easier the more you work at it.
Also- where internet dating is concerned... look at the picture second... read the profile first. There's a high percentage of women I find attractive on this site, and a very small percentage of profiles I find interesting. Do yourself a favor and skip the profiles that are uninteresting.
Ultimately, if you find a relationship you will have to spend a significant amount of time with that person- or live with them. If you know upfront you don't want a 65 Dodge rebuilt in your living room- don't answer that profile.
I've met one woman off this site, and answered three ads. The one lady I have met is a wonderful person and we are building a great friendship. Where that goes who knows? Right now we look a little incompatible in a serious relationship sense. But in a couple of years?
Take time... make friends... go through the good and the bad together. And at some point someone is going to fall in love with you.
Good, but cheap, advice.
Oh.. and one single caveat: In the process you will have friendships and relationships fail. It's gonna hurt more than you can possibly imagine. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/9/2009 6:14:41 PM | By my advanced age of 42,, the vast majority of people have been married at LEAST once, so that is 'normal' to them. Freaks like us are considered 'broken' in any number of ways.
I remember a female poster in another thread declaring that she wouldn't consider dating someone who hadn't been divorced at least once. The implication was that 'practice makes perfect', but she wouldn't date someone divorced 3 or more times. Guess there's a limit to how much practice is good for relationships.
Heck, I could've had several bad marriages if I felt like settling for a bit, and I'll wager you could've as well. There's still plenty of fish, and plenty of time for that. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/9/2009 8:51:11 PM | 
ryant162 - Right, you can be a bachelor, and *ahem* continue to look for activity partners all you want!
I really don't care what any of you think about my profile, because I'm "not single/not looking" . I just use this site for research of this nature. If you glanced at my profile, the "not single" should have been easy to see.
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littlerockfun
Your comments are riciculous!! your no prize youuself!!!
Again, I'm not looking for a date, and I'm certainly not interested in you.
Here's a fact: The OP started this topic, because he has experienced people that thought this way about men that had never been married. So, there is obviously more females than me that think this way.
Even if you think something is ridiculous or unfair, or even if you're really, really, really, upset that you can't trick girls into a pretend relationship for sex, that doesn't change the way people perceive you!
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Sure, people have ideas about divorced people. Especially people in their early 20's that have been divorced. BUT, by the time you have been on this earth for 40 years, that changes for many. It's must more realistic to either be 1)married 2)divorced 3) widowed by 40, because that's a lot of time.
You men can do whatever you want! Just the same way that women can view your actions any way that they want! There is also new research out about men over 40 causing birth defects due to their age. More and more people will be hearing about this. You guys all want to think you have 70-80 years to get serious, it's not true.
If you don't want serious, you can find casual party types at most drinking establishments. 
Notice this: The nice gentleman that posted, demanding1, he's been married 3 times. Not that I'm advocating multiple marriages, but consider that 3 times in his life he's decided that he loved someone enough to marry them, be serious about a life with them, and was willing to risk pain to be with them. You aren't willing to do the same, so what does that say? | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/9/2009 10:44:10 PM | Responding to justwant2no;
I think many women feel as you do, that if a man is divorced "there's probably a good reason." That's not necessarily either fair or reasonable. I've been married twice and divorced twice. But both relationships lasted well over 10 years, so I can't be that bad to be with.
Am I perfect? No. But I think I'm a better bet than a lot of men who seem to hook up all the time. I get to listen to women complain that "there are no good ones left." | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/10/2009 8:46:36 AM | 16madison-By saying that I'm looking for an activity partner, I mean someone with similar interests, like outdoor activities, riding motorcycles, being outdoors, & active. Yeah, I should probably change that, it probably doesn't look good. I'm new to this dating site thing, & I grew up in a very small deprived little town, where there was nothing to do but drink, & sleep around. I wasted all of of my 20's, I can't change that. Yes, I'm still here, I was working in the oilfield, there is no oilfield right now, don't know if you pay attention to what is going on in the world or not, but the economy is not in good shape, & won't be for awhile. I haven't drank in over 2 yrs., & have turned my life around for the better. I'm starting school this month, out of my own pocket, so if you think I'm a total loser, you better think again. Yes, I'm doing things now that I should of, could of, would of, in my 20's, I realize that, but I had a hell of a lot of fun, & learned a lot of things that you will probably never experience in your lifetime.
So now I suppose you are going to try, & turn it around and say, great, he's an alcoholic. Go ahead, I don't give a shit. Already got you figured out. Yes, I am a little bitter, jaded, whatever you want to call it, towards women, & I am very cautious, if that clarifies any of it for you. I still believe there is someone out there for everyone, so I must not be that angry, or given up. Still just a little bitter, but I'm getting over it.
Hope that clarifies things for you a little, as to why I'm in the position that I'm in, before you start jumping on the bandwagon about 30+, & can't commit, just a player, etc. bullshit! | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/11/2009 1:02:38 PM |
16madison wrote: OR, you have unrealistic standards. That commonly makes it hard for someone to find someone. Just look at your profile right now. You are 57 and looking for someone 40 to 52. Huh???? Someone 40 is 17 years younger than you, young enough to be your daughter. How realistic is that?
Well, if he's 57, he could dip all the way down into women 37.5 and up [(57 / 2) + 9 = 37.5]. The differences between 57 y/o man and a 37 y/o woman aren't going to be as great as differences between a 40 y/o man and 20 y/o woman. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:14:22 PM | Netfix movie *Single is a GREAT documentry.
A point was made that women in fact DO hold a double standard toward men when it comes to age and marriage. Its ok for a woman to be 35+ and never married becuase she just hasnt found the right one but for guys its "havent been house broken".
kind of funny in my view.
Single life is changing radically very fast and more and more people are simply not getting married at all. Ironically those who do get married now have a better chance of it lasting becuase they do it out of a strong choice.
oh and P.S. Bill Gates was f*cking 40 when he got married. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:26:39 PM | Society has certain things which "normal" ppl are suppose to do. For example there is a man on my block who is in his 50s, no kids, never been married and lives alone. The joke around the block is he might be a serial killer or have bodies in his yard and sadly for no other reason then the fact he is a loner.
With that being said if you can't find someone you really want to be with then you are better off being single. I much rather be single then come home to a woman that I married just to appease societies standards of normalacy. Its not fair to you, to the woman and especially not fair to children you may have. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:54:07 PM |
Ironically those who do get married now have a better chance of it lasting becuase they do it out of a strong choice.
Even given that, the divorce rate is still roughly 50%.
Bill Gates was f*cking 40 when he got married.
Hey. It took twenty years to draft the prenup. Even then it was still in beta.
Society has certain things which "normal" ppl are suppose to do.
Personally, I could care less what society thinks. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/11/2009 10:39:31 PM | Over the years I've realized that a lot of money can compensate for a lot of defects if you're a man.
- Being under 5'10" tall.
- Being overweight.
- Being a jerk.
- Being 40+ and never married.
Why am I still single at 37?
- I wasn't all that popular with the girls in high school. Then again, I went to a 2-hall 2A/3A high school and a lot of girls dated guys from the closest big town.
- I went out in college, but never had a serious enough relationship with the girls I went out with. And no, I wasn't using them for sex. I was trying to get over my porn addiction, so sex was the last thing on my mind. Even so, a few of my exes wanted to watch porn with me. They brought it up; I didn't.
- After college it was hard to meet women in the real world. Sure, I worked at outsourced call centers for a few years and there were several women working there, but they either smoked or had kids, most of the time, both.
- I moved to a big city where a lot of women want a tall guy or one with a lot of money, preferibly both. I had already been writing to a Brazilian woman for a while. When I got a good job I saved up some money and went to Brazil and saw her. Unfortunately, she didn't want to leave her country.
- I did dialysis for 4 years and didn't have a job during that time.
I'm mostly an introvert and when I moved I pretty much had to go out more and meet people. I don't drink that much or smoke, so bars are out for me. I don't follow the Christian religion, so going to church and meeting women there are out for me. I've been told that I "need" Jesus. Well, with a lot of women in my area it seems like I'd need a relationship with him before having a relationship with them. Well, I'm not a conservative Republican and I don't believe in any religion which claims to have a monopoly on Deity and divine truth. Oh, I did attend a Brazilian church from 2001 to 2004 which had evening services. However, the single women there would go to American churches for morning services and wind up with American boyfriends and husbands. It seems like women from big cities and coastal areas really aren't that much different from country to country.
For an attractive woman, she can pretty much get any guy she wants, and 16madison is a prime example of that. We men, on the other hand, very much have to have our act together in several different respects. It's so easy for an attractive woman in a relationship to judge us single guys, isn't it? | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/14/2009 2:43:30 AM | Well at least no one is trying to claim that there is not a stigma. And really that is not the real question here. It is how to get what you want in spite of it. So what if a Madison has you nailed? She is not going to be your choice in a million years anyway. She has advice but it sucks - it says hey get real accept your limitations and that is what people have done before. I have zero respect for anyone that accepts their limitations. That mostly includes myself. Like that old saw says "to thine own self be true" --- it does not say be true to everyone else does it? The world is full of Madison's if you listen to them you will get something but it wont be what you want. You just have to try harder, be smarter, and have a thicker skin.
There is one guy responding who is older than you saying hey man I am having a blast here- I am getting what I want. In his way he saying, " if you want to know you gotta ask me what I am doing, cause I ain't just going to tell ya, it won't mean anything if I do. It will only mean something if you are trying hard enough to be teachable." You aren't going to learn by complaining about what is. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/14/2009 8:17:13 AM | I personally don't think a guy should get married until he has a steady job which pays at least $35,000 a year (more in some places). I've read a lot of "I've done it, so everybody should be able to also" posts on this site. Well, good for you! A lot of us do what we consider the right things to do and still don't make it. For example, I wanted a job overseas in international business dealing with different nationalities, languages, and cultures. The closest I came was doing trilingual (Portuguese, Spanish, and English) technical support. The money wasn't bad, but sitting on the phone for a third of a day with customers calling in with software problems (or questions) making about $38,000 a year wasn't my idea of the kind of career I wanted. Sure, theoretically it's a good stepping stone, but if you get "stuck" in a field long enough, and even if you tell temp agencies you want another kind of job, they'll call you about similar jobs to the one you already have. About marriage, if I had really wanted to, I could've moved to Brazil, married my then girlfriend, and worked from home. However, I knew someday I'd have to do dialysis because of my kidney disease. I did my research on Brazilian sites and it takes someone there 10-15 years to get a transplant. Here it's 2-5 years. That's a good average because I did dialysis for just over 4 years. My Brazilian ex and I still keep in touch; she wanted to. She got married about a year ago and moved from northeast to southwest Brazil. She's a high school Portuguese teacher. I told her she wouldn't be able to find a job like that here and since that time she didn't want to leave Brazil. Now she lives on the other side of her country and is having a hard time finding a job as a Portuguese teacher. I don't know how her relationship with her husband is. I wrote her earlier this year and asked if her husband allowed her to write to male friends. She said he did. The thing is, if we had gotten married, she would've lived here until I got a transplant and then together we could've move back to Brazil. I did meet her and her family when I went to Brazil. They seemed to like me. Maybe she wanted to continue writing after our breakup because I was one of her better boyfriends. At least I was honest with her. I wasn't going to tell her that life here is easy or let her keep believing she could get the same kind of job here she had back in northeast Brazil (before getting married and moving).
So why didn't I just get a girlfriend in Dallas? A lot of Dallas born and bred girls are very materialistic and want a guy who's at least 5'10" tall. I'm 5'7" and even when I was doing trilingual technical support I wasn't making at least $50,000 a year. Still, even if I were at least 5'10" and had been making that kind of money, I still would've gone for a foreign woman or a foreign-born one. Like another Dallas poster in this thread said, foreign women aren't all that materialistic. I've visited several Latin American countries and when a girl's family had a car, it was usually just one car for the entire family. I suppose that a lot of foreign women change when they've been here for a while. That's inevitable in some ways. I'd change some myself if I moved to another country and lived there for a few years.
I suppose one huge difference between American women and foreign ones is that in the getting-to-know-you stage, American women ask men questions like "What kind of job do you have?" and "How much do you make?". Whereas foreign women ask men questions like "What is your family like?".
If you guys still haven't checked out nomarriage[dot]com, I'd highly recommend it! Even American women could learn a thing or two from it. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/14/2009 8:21:20 AM | "I always said 'if a man reaches the age of 40 and has never been married, or is divorced, there's probably a good reason.'"
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lol!! yeah marriage these days is based on all the wrong reasons! | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/14/2009 8:26:40 AM | ha ha I like seeing all the excuses guys have for being single after a certain age.
I'm single, too, never married. So what? I never made a conscious choice to not marry, just never found the "right" guy, or had much of an inclination. It's not because I'm smarter -- or because I'm lesser quality, either. Get over yourselves.
Some of you have a bad attitude (OP), like women are your enemy and THAT's why you "chose" not to get married.
Funnily enough, though, back in the day, often a "confirmed bachelor" was a gay man. So maybe that is why the "stigma" survives? Just like a spinster was a frigid woman (unless she dressed like a man, then she was gay). | |
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