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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/16/2009 7:59:33 PM |
There are basically two kinds of guys in this world: cads and dads. The women leave with the cads while sticking dads with the bill.
Well, this is completely wrong, along with your completely wrong understanding of feminism.
First of all your decidely dark outlook ain't helping you, unless you think being a victim is really attractive. You're overlooking happy marriages (they exist), marriages that sour due to both partners, and cases where the guy is abusive or on the prowl. In SOME cases there are women like you described. Frankly, so what? Are you saying that you can't possibly find one that ISN'T? That's merely the start of your problems.
Secondly, feminism is basically the concept that the sexes should be treated equally, which is still a radical concept with too many parts of the globe. That's it. Of course things get fantastically tricky when it comes to divorce. Though I would say for as many stories the guys here can provide of gold-digging no-account ex-wives, there are also ones of deadbeat ex-husbands. Back to the main concept, which is barely 50 years old, it's simply seeking parity between the sexes after eons of great inequality. The notion that "feminism" is the realm of angry man-hating bull dyke fat chicks is usually put forth by bitter guys and suspect ideologues. You probably can dig up one or two of them somewhere, but stop the lie that they "represent" feminism.
You say: "Prove this is true."
I say: "Prove this isn't true."
Actually dude, the burden of proof is on you.
To the OP's point....I'm a never-married bachelor of 45. I inevitably get those questions- "how come you never married?". It's to be expected, and it's only a big deal if you let it be. There are a bunch of people that can't fathom a normal person making it to a certain point in life and never marrying. To them, no matter what your reason, they feel you must have a problem. Then there are others who are actually in the same boat. You can choose to fixate on those that judge you, or you can seek out women who are either like you or are not hung up on it.
Certainly at this point you've got to be over worrying what every single women thinks of you. Do you want to spend the time you have left obessing over this, or just putting in the effort to find a women that wants to be with you? It'll be a bit harder, but guess what- that's the result of the decisions you've already made in your life. Accept it, move on. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/16/2009 8:03:19 PM |
besides a lot of those folks out on the southwest coast seem to be stuck in that state of mind that says .... you aren't" cool or hip or one of us", unless you dress like this, or drive one of those, or make this much money etc. etc.
I live out on the Southwest coast...and have lived in the North East as well. That attitude is not unique to here- it's anywhere that shallow materialistic people reside. Which is to say, everywhere. And a bunch of us out here are nothing like that.
instead of emulating all of these sorry examples of humanity that Hollywood has been showing us for the last 50 years.
Oh please- Hollywood-bashing is so passe. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/16/2009 10:03:54 PM | Mr_SmartFun, I just read your profile. It's a good one. However, the only three things most women are going to look at are 1) the pictures, 2) how tall you are (5'11"), and 3) what you do for a living (The Movie Biz). With those you don't even need an in-depth profile! I'm sure a lot of women on this site take the initiative and contact you first. Am I wrong? At least from reading your profile I know you're not a dunce who only has a body, a face, or an exciting career going for him.
It's great you're looking for marriage, but that is a risky proposition at best. In a previous post I already brought up the fact California is an alimony state. However, you've got a great governor! I remember watching a movie about him going to Carnaval in Rio de Janeiro. Recently, he called out his own wife for talking on the cell phone while driving. Admirable guy!
Yeah, there are a lot of shallow people who live in big cities and coastal areas. That seems to be true for many countries in the world, not just the USA.
About marriages, yes, there are very successful marriages, but the truth is the majority of marriages overall end in divorce. And besides, I think one should get married only when they're ready to settle down and have children. And then make sure she's the right one. Even when a guy has taken all the precautions, there's no guarantees she's not going to take him to the cleaners. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/17/2009 6:15:36 AM | When women criticize me for being 40 and never married and no kids, yet she has been married, divorced and has 2 kids let's say, what she is bashing me for holds no water.
Sorry but if I am to be raked across the coals for not adding to the single parent world, then I'll rake that woman across with me for being a single parent and thinking it is fine.
Sure I am 40, no ex-wife, no kids, no support payments...NO BAGGAGE
Here is an example for those ladies who seem to rip apart us non married/no kids 40+ year olds.
Your ex gets the kids every 2nd weekend. Now let's say I had kids as well. So I get mine every 2nd weekend too, ahh but I get them the weekend your ex gets them. Oops looks like that weekend is shot, just like the following one when you have the kids back.
Now I have none and so my time is flexible.
Also being single, never married and no kids at 40 does not scream committment issues, a player etc. Means I just have not found that right person to spend, hopefully, my life with. Again women with their generalizations are to be deemed acceptable BUT when we men generalize women, look out.
As I say, that is fine if you ladies wnt to pass up a guy because he hasn't travelled down the married, divorced, kids, support payments road. But remember, you may be passing up a guy who will treat you great and make you happy. You won't know unless you get rid of that assumption and generalization about him.
Most people who criticize anyone for their single life etc, usually are jealous because they wish they were in their shoes. It is much easier to bash people for things you are jealous of than compliment them.
I found more people much older than me say "You are doing it right, you are not rushing into anything. When you meet that person, you will know."
Most who put that stigma on men for being a bachelor at 40+ usually are women and most got married young and had kids young and divorced with some resentment towards their ex.
Funny how I have no problems with anyone who has been married and has kids, but they have a huge problem with me never being married and having no kids. Not my loss that is for sure. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/17/2009 9:05:56 AM |
Forums001 wrote: I found more people much older than me say "You are doing it right, you are not rushing into anything. When you meet that person, you will know."
Most who put that stigma on men for being a bachelor at 40+ usually are women and most got married young and had kids young and divorced with some resentment towards their ex.
Funny how I have no problems with anyone who has been married and has kids, but they have a huge problem with me never being married and having no kids. Not my loss that is for sure.
No, it's not your loss. Usually women like that are man-haters. I lived with a woman like that for a year. Boy did she have issues! In fact, she was always blabbing how her own dad took her ex-husband's side over the court battle for the custody of their 2 boys. It's a good thing the dad got custody! She had emotional issues, had boyfriend problems, and even got busted for marihuana possession when I was living with her. Yes, the cops searched my room too.
If you want to find a woman who doesn't stigmatize you for being a childless bachelor in his 40s, then look overseas in Latin America or the Philippines. Usually these women will want a family and won't stigmatize you as American women do. Sure, there are a lot of foreign women looking for a green card, so you have to play the numbers game just like here to find the right woman for you.
nomarriage[dot]com | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/17/2009 12:54:04 PM | | So American women who have not been married are not worthy of American men who have not been married? It is difficult enough finding a man to date when a woman is middle aged and has not been married, but the men are now all seeking women who live overseas? | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/17/2009 2:26:25 PM |
fifi47 wrote: So American women who have not been married are not worthy of American men who have not been married? It is difficult enough finding a man to date when a woman is middle aged and has not been married, but the men are now all seeking women who live overseas?
I did not say anything like that. In fact, most men won't go abroad to find a woman. However, the ones who do usually have much better odds of finding women. I've been on here for 3 years and in spite of writing to women I found appealing in some way and posting here on the forums, I've never found a woman who was interested in me as well. On the other hand, when I had an ad and an online profile with mail-order bride companies, I had a pretty good response rate. Even though I didn't marry any of them, I had good experiences with them and they treated me well. Usually the men who go abroad to marry a foreign woman are in their 50s and 60s, some in their 40s. I think they get tired of not meeting anyone at home except for jaded women their age or younger women who wouldn't give them any kind of chance. A lot of women are socialized to let the guy be the chaser. That may work for good-looking girls in their 20s, but it doesn't work so well for women who are 30+. Actually, come to think of it, our society values youth and despises old age. Yes, men who are over 40 and meet women abroad thoroughly enjoy the positive attention they get from younger, nicer, less jaded women. If you lived in or near a big city, then go on Meetup[dot]com and find something you're interested in, go to the meetings, and perhaps you'll find that special someone.
I'm not saying all American women are bad, but I've rarely had one reciprocate my interest in her. Since coming online over 10 years ago I've realized most (51%+) American women want a guy who's at least 5'10". I myself don't worry about it. Why worry about something you can't control? I can't control how tall I am or that I'm almost 40. What I can control is the kind of women I pursue. Again, I haven't had any success with local women on here after having been on POF for 3 years, even when I initiated the conversation and talked about her profile and didn't even bring up sex. Maybe it's my pictures too, but not all of us were born photogenic with supermodel looks. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/17/2009 7:15:12 PM | Hey tkdblake93-
I'm sure a lot of women on this site take the initiative and contact you first. Am I wrong?
No, you're not. I've gotten a lot of initial contacts. Actually though, my profile is turned off at the moment as I don't have time to date.
but the truth is the majority of marriages overall end in divorce.
No, they don't. I don't have the link at hand, but I read that the "fact" that 50% of marriages end in divorce is a misnomer. You have to understand statistics. Consider this- 100 couples get married one day. Over time 25% of those marriages end in divorce. That would mean, obviously, that the remaining 75% of the marriages didn't. People from that 25% go off and get remarried, and then a third of THOSE marriages end in divorce. But when you add ALL the marriages up you have a divorce rate of 50% (not in my example, but if you were to keep on going with 3rd and 4th marriages). When you look at it you see a subset of people who marry and divorce more often inflate the divorce rate.
I think one should get married only when they're ready to settle down and have children.
I can't imagine people doing otherwise, though wanting to have children is optional.
Even when a guy has taken all the precautions, there's no guarantees she's not going to take him to the cleaners.
Well, first of all, you're leaving out what could cause a divorce. That's a big factor that determines how vindictive the other spouse may or may not be.
And marriage, like life, comes with no guarantees. There's no guarantee that your spouse won't go crazy or develop a disease or brain tumor either. You're taking a leap of faith with marriage:it's full of risks, but for most people it's worth the rewards. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/18/2009 12:41:04 PM |
...I read that the "fact" that 50% of marriages end in divorce is a misnomer. You have to understand statistics. Consider this- 100 couples get married one day. Over time 25% of those marriages end in divorce. That would mean, obviously, that the remaining 75% of the marriages didn't. People from that 25% go off and get remarried, and then a third of THOSE marriages end in divorce. But when you add ALL the marriages up you have a divorce rate of 50% (not in my example, but if you were to keep on going with 3rd and 4th marriages). When you look at it you see a subset of people who marry and divorce more often inflate the divorce rate.
I think you're looking at this wrong. There are two main ways the value of X in the statement "X% of marriages end in divorce" is determined.
One is to take the current divorce and marriage rates and simply divide them, presuming that the sample of people who married previously and are now divorcing is not substantially any different from the population of people marrying today. You can further tighten down this sample by only looking at first marriages and divorces, which is usually done so that the chronic marrying/divorcing subset you're concerned about doesn't skew the result. Of course people have looked at the subset of second, third, etc. marriages to see if they're more or less prone to end in divorce than first marriages, and almost all studies have concluded they are.
Anyway, I think the current value of X from these sorts of studies, which are pretty simple to do from publicly available statistics (because marriage and divorce are a matter of public record) is in the 40-42% range. In that sense, you're right that 50% is a "misnomer", but not a huge one.
The second way to come up with X is to follow specific people over the course of their marriages, starting with when they first got married. The standard length of time to follow such people is fifteen years, though there's some variability. Obviously you just can't follow people indefinitely up to 75 or more years of marriage, so you rarely see any data for periods longer than 25 years. Again, typically only people entering into their first marriages are recruited into these kinds of studies. It's more difficult and expensive to do it this way, but one gets better numbers, especially for subsets further broken down by some other demographic variable (age, race, education level, religious affiliation, number of premarital sex partners, etc). Of course in generalizing to the greater population one has to be careful to select ones sample carefully.
It's from this variety of studies that we get the frequently heard wisdom that it's maybe not so good to marry young (say, 18, plus or minus), or that the divorce rate for college educated women who marry at age 25 or higher is about 25% (up to when the study ends after however many years), which is is still worse odds than russian roulette.
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/18/2009 2:13:07 PM | 16 madison, I disagree with that, I am near 34 years old , have never been married, no kids, etc, etc. My problem is I never even get a chance. People who see me in person and know me are shocked at that stat, but I say, hey, see my luck on POF, (none), and you know why....lol.....
Anyways, I think it is just meant for some of us to never get married or have kids, no matter how good we can be to someone. Right now, I really do not feel like getting involved with anyone. I have "tried" too hard for months, and now just worn out by it all, I am happy single, doing my own thing. Unless someone comes around all of a sudden and sweeps me off my feet, I will probably never be married. Seems like women in my area have so much drama in their lives, it is really not worth the effort. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/18/2009 11:37:32 PM |
I think the OP's problem comes not so much because he is a lifelong bachelor, but because, his profile reeks of negativity and his picture is not that flattering. .
You're entitled to your opinion, but in actuality, my profile shows a fairly positive side of myself. And I am being honest, too. I like my profile picture and so do a lot of my friends. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/18/2009 11:56:15 PM | | I dont put them down..........I just think there must be something wrong with them that in the 50 or more years they have been on this earth they still havent found anyone to marry. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/19/2009 1:29:51 AM | | I spent a great many years being the nice guy that I am, thinking women wanted to be treated with respect. It took me till my 40's to understand that women under about 35 don't WANT that in a man. They either reject "nice guys" as being somehow weak or else they keep them in their pockets as "friends". They REALLY want the excitement of being with those guys who aren't so nice, who cheat and disrespect them, or worse. After the woman spends a few years with a jerk like that, who left her with a kid or two, then she's ready for a nice guy to treat her (and her kids) right. But you know what's ironic is that after being in so many relationships with women who took advantage of my gentleman nature, now I think I can easily be the jerk they always wanted. | |
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slumpy
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Joined: 9/21/2009
Msg: 144 | |
| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/19/2009 4:20:19 AM | >>> some people see no reason to involve governments, churches and assorted authoritarian busybodies in the most private aspects of their lives - their relationships.
The statement above could not hold more truth. Marriage is something you do, if you believe in religion, or if you want kids. If you don't have either, and don't want either, what is the sense of it all? To fill out your taxes differently? Give me a break...
Gov't and religious rule have turned people into ants that follow elephants. It is ridiculous to assume that because a person is not apt to believe all the garbage fed to him, that there is something wrong.
Usually, the people who believe in all the garbage are controlled, and have something really wrong with them  | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/19/2009 5:46:16 AM | There is no stigma to be an older bachelor. Don't believe that crap for a second. I was married for nearly 40 years. There is a stigma in being married and divorced two or three times or having a gaggle of kids running around the house. What man in his right mind would desire that? I was rewarded for my lifetime of being a good faithful husband and father of two wonderful boys by being informed by her one day that she wanted to be single again. It appears that she found someone with more money. I say, good luck with that. Oh well, I still have my two sons and grandkids and my health. Nothing else much matters.
I've been on these forums for nearly six months now. One thing I've learned and you probably have too, is there's not much out there in the form of eligible women that are marriage material. You've probably already realized that just based on the responses to this thread. Don't worry about that. It's a big world. I'd suggest you retire or just visit overseas somewhere. You'll likely find a younger 30-40 year old beautiful woman that hasn't been spoiled rotten by our American society. Good luck in your search. My sons both suggested I try Costa Rica. They've both been there. I might take their advice and check it out. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/19/2009 7:38:21 AM | | I'm not really "older" but I probably will wind up being so before I ever get married, if I ever do. I also HATE being single and have enough good sense not to throw myself into one "because I don't want to be alone" relationship after another. So, this stigma does disturb me because the last thing my bachelor status should cause me is more barriers than I already have to deal with. A lot of us bachelors aren't living it up out on our own and women need to be more receptive to that. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/19/2009 8:28:55 AM | | Why is it that the guys who want "non-American" women never stay where they got them? If the culture is one you love, go live there. Why bring someone from another culture to a culture you hate so much? | |
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