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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/19/2009 8:49:14 AM |
I started out very shy in my teens and it continued well into my 20's, although I did land a few dates. However, being shy, I wasn't very outgoing while on dates, so I screwed up possible LTR's, and I was definitely interested in them with some of these girls I went out with. Still, I've never found it easy to meet unattached women. My problem with meeting women now is my current status, never married, I'm not wealthy, I don't own my own home (I rent), I work shift hours (not 9 to 5). All of these factors figure negatively when it comes to women looking for a man my age, so it's difficult for me. The past is the past and is something I can't change. I've not had the opportunity to marry, and I would not marry someone unless I was in love with her and she felt the same about me and that combination has not occurred. I've been in love, but it wasn't returned and vice versa. And no, I've never had a one night stand.
OP - I am not trying to bash you or anything in this... but I think, from what you have stated above, your life now is a product of your actions (or inactions) in the past.
Being shy in your 20s - What did you do to try and get past that shyness? I was extremely shy and introverted at one time, and I made a concerted effort to get past it... and now, most people who know me don't believe me when I tell them I was a shy introvert at one time.
Never found it easy to meet unattached women - Have you asked the wives of male friends to help you out with this? A few years ago, I found I was surrounded by divorced female friends, and I knew I needed more of a balance in my life - so I started hanging around with the women I knew who had families, married, etc.... and have purposely cultivated those kinds of friendships too. I have also got a lot of male friends, who are like "brothers from another mother" and we help each other out on a regular basis. Do they know it? ... of course, and they couldn't care less, as I am a good friend and they love me for that.
Don't own your own home - Why not? If you have worked most of your adult life, I don't understand why some people chose to rent over owning. However, that is your choice... but it does tend to look like another sign of irresponsibility and lack of commitment, as we all know that a home of your own is both a responsibility and a huge commitment.
You work shift hours - What have you done to try and get a regular shift, that may be solid afternoons or nites, just something that you can plan a life around? I work in an area that is predominantly auto industry, and the shift workers are plentiful around here. BUT... with a bit of seniority, most people can get onto one shift steadily - something they can plan a life around... whether it is days, afternoons or steady night shift.
I think there needs to be some responsibility for the choices you have made, sir, and not the "why me" approach I am seeing in your posts. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/19/2009 9:03:36 AM | "Being shy in your 20s - What did you do to try and get past that shyness? I was extremely shy and introverted at one time, and I made a concerted effort to get past it... and now, most people who know me don't believe me when I tell them I was a shy introvert at one time."
I don't think this is an aspect a woman really should be at liberty to criticize. Even if you never overcame shyness, that isn't going to stop guys from pursuing you. Guys aren't pursued. The only way a guy can get any positive reinforcement is if he basically goes around asking for it. It's like if you had to go around asking random guys if they found you attractive. I doubt you have, as that would be silly. On top of that imagine you're also extremely ugly. That's basically what guys have to go through, even if they're gorgeous. It's a rare woman who could do the same without developing some sort of disorder. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/19/2009 9:41:05 AM |
r2d21: I've been on these forums for nearly six months now. One thing I've learned and you probably have too, is there's not much out there in the form of eligible women that are marriage material. You've probably already realized that just based on the responses to this thread. Don't worry about that. It's a big world. I'd suggest you retire or just visit overseas somewhere. You'll likely find a younger 30-40 year old beautiful woman that hasn't been spoiled rotten by our American society. Good luck in your search. My sons both suggested I try Costa Rica. They've both been there. I might take their advice and check it out.
Generally speaking, Latin American women treat American men better than American women do. I know this from personal experience. I haven't been to Costa Rica yet, but I've been very close to it (David, Panama). I have friends who have been there and they say it's great. Of course, if you pursue Latin American women it's a good idea to learn some Spanish (or Portuguese for Brazil). I speak both, so no problem. In fact, you get much better treatment when you speak the language. There are single gentlemen's romance tours to Latin American cities. One company which operate such tours is TLC Worldwide. They also offer correspondence options. You can place an ad and let Latin American women write to you first. Or you can purchase an issue with addresses. They have back issues which are cheaper, but in some cases the women will already have found an American (or other Western) guy for them. I've had good results with this option. Still, I think for someone who's never been to Latin America and doesn't speak Spanish (or Portuguese), single gentlemen's romance tours would be a good option. In fact, I'm going to pursue that option myself. In the past I visited one woman at a time, so why not give myself much better odds by meeting as many women as possible. I'd say you'd meet many more women in 3 or 4 days than you have in 3 or 4 years back home.
CassaGo: Why is it that the guys who want "non-American" women never stay where they got them? If the culture is one you love, go live there. Why bring someone from another culture to a culture you hate so much?
Some older guys who are retired do indeed relocate to Latin America. Really, when it comes down to it, any woman would want to find a decent guy and have a better life and not have to move away from friends and family. However, most American men can make a better living here at home than they could in most of Latin America; they just don't like their choices when it comes to finding a woman locally. Hmmm..., let's see. Young attractive women who won't even give an older guy a chance unless he's rich. Older jaded women with children they've had with some jerk, and now they expect a guy to financially take care of her and her children. I myself would like to buy a home in Latin America. Much like American women, American homes are way overpriced, and their value drops significantly when you buy one. nomarriage.com
Unless you make really good money, forget about a 20-year mortgage. Try 30 or 40 years instead. Renters are criticized because they're not buying a home and paying twice as much monthly on a mortgage. Owning a home in America is overrated, especially when you consider our government (and thus us) is about $10 trillion in debt. Hope I answered your question. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/19/2009 10:51:06 AM | Being shy in your 20s - What did you do to try and get past that shyness? I was extremely shy and introverted at one time, and I made a concerted effort to get past it... and now, most people who know me don't believe me when I tell them I was a shy introvert at one time." I don't think this is an aspect a woman really should be at liberty to criticize. Even if you never overcame shyness, that isn't going to stop guys from pursuing you. Guys aren't pursued. The only way a guy can get any positive reinforcement is if he basically goes around asking for it. It's like if you had to go around asking random guys if they found you attractive. I doubt you have, as that would be silly. On top of that imagine you're also extremely ugly. That's basically what guys have to go through, even if they're gorgeous. It's a rare woman who could do the same without developing some sort of disorder.
I would say I am quite qualified to criticize this, as shyness is not a gender specific problem. I was shy to the point that I had ONE female friend... I did not believe in myself AT ALL. I did not get pursued because I was the proverbial quiet and shy girl in the corner. The only way I even met my ex-husband was a co-worker spiked my drink and dared me to ask him out... so the "guys aren't pursued" goes out the window. To this day, I send emails to men... they still don't reply. The only difference is that now my self-esteem is healthier, as it is only within the past two years that I see myself as even remotely good looking... and so, it did not matter whether I was "seen" as beautiful or ugly... the point is, I THOUGHT I was ugly.... my perception was my reality.
How did I work through my insecurities and self-esteem issues? I started doing things I knew I was good at.... and working on those things that I knew I needed to improve.... and making sure I hung out with positive-minded people. So, I got positive reinforcement on things.... the things I was good at, and the things I was improving on.... and I got positive critiques in the areas where I still needed further improvement. If I got a "negative" critique it was not done in such a manner as to be mean and nasty.... and if it was, I would usually not hang out with that person much more.... there are ways of honest criticism without being nasty.
As for being a "rare woman"... well, thank you, *blushes*.... and having a disorder?.... well, there are a few of my friends that would say I definitely have a bit of that too.
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/19/2009 11:09:54 AM | | No, shyness isn't a gender-specific problem. However, all it takes to break a guy out of his shell is one interested woman. Conversely, women often need to be at the top of the food chain for this and they also are not satisfied with explicitly sexual interest either. The fact remains, however, you either were pursued or would have been eventually pursued by some guy, shy or not. Therein lies the difference. I'm not saying that women never take the initiative and it's cool that you did--sort of--there but it's nowhere on the same scale as what any given guy has to do. It's also cool that you worked out of your shyness, but again, you really don't have to as a woman. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/19/2009 11:47:38 AM |
dont put them down..........I just think there must be something wrong with them that in the 50 or more years they have been on this earth they still havent found anyone to marry.
So there is something wrong with a guy over 40 that has never married?
Wow and I guess it is a great thing for a woman to be divorded and have kids or never married but has kids? Oh yes but then THAT says it was the man's fault.
If a man has no kids and has never been married and he is over 40, that is a bad thing right?
A woman over 40, divorced with a kid or two is a good thing right?
A man who dates younger is a pervert and dirty old man, right?
A woman who dates younger is finding a compatible partner, right?
Lovin these dohble standards as we go along. What else can be added to this list? | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/19/2009 11:24:55 PM | 13karat: OP here. I do have a regular shift at work and I don't like the particular hours I have, but believe me, there is nothing I can do about it. Even though I've worked in this place 13 years, I'm still practically at the bottom of the seniority list. And as for never owning a home, well, I had every intention of eventually owning a home, AFTER I got married, or at least once I was engaged. That never happened, of course. Two people saving for a home is a heck of a lot easier than one person, unless that person has an extremely well paying job. I'm pretty good at math and with the incomes I've had during my life, it would have taken many, many years of living frugally for me and me alone to be able to purchase a home, more years than I was willing to give, and I'm not ashamed of that. Living 10 years or more going nowhere and doing nothing was something I wasn't willing to do. I wouldn't be able to do anything with friends and spending money to take a woman out would be out of the question. My sister and her husband were married about 9 years before they saved up enough to buy a home, and this was with 2 incomes.
People here ask what have I been doing for the past 40 years that I haven't met anyone who I've wanted to marry. Well, I've been living my life just like everyone else, going out, doing things I enjoy, alone and with friends, being a happy person most of the time, getting a few dates here and there, but mutual love has simply not occurred. I don't know why. It's easy for people to wonder why, especially those that go through life and somehow naturally meet people and form boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, get married etc. For whatever reason, it happens for them, for the majority of people, I suppose. But for these individuals, they can never truly understand why it doesn't occur for everyone. And for people like myself, it's the opposite. We, or at least myself, can never truly understand how it happens for you. I'm doing the same thing you are, so what's going on here? I don't know. But, I've still enjoyed my life, even without marriage and without a whole lot of female companionship. .... and by the way, my two best friends are women. I continue to enjoy a lot of fun activities and I live life to the fullest, as best as is possible. If a woman comes into my life, awesome! If not, I'm still having fun. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/22/2009 7:05:36 PM | I believe in examining age differences as percentages and stages of life. There are also unique circumstances for everyone, for example, my older cousins do not look anywhere near their age so why should not consider going out with someone who looks close to them?
Regardless, I don't know if I could suppress the feeling that someone was just looking for some younger tail if they did not at least consider people of the same age. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/23/2009 3:43:53 AM | So this thread has me thinking.....
I still hold the same opinions as I previously wrote about Over-40-never-married-no-children (O40NMNK) bachelors, but maybe it's a matter of preference too. If you are over 40, I would prefer someone who has been divorced instead of someone who has never been married. If you are under 40 then it's not really a bid deal that you have never been married or been divorced or whatever your status is.
I would also like someone who has the experience of being a parent - and I do mean the experience of being a parent - not just some dude who can claim 'daddy-mabies' but has otherwise never parented. I prefer single fathers who have full or joint custody or otherwise contributing wholeheartedly to the raising of the child as a non-custodial parent. I am not interested in dads who offer child support but has otherwise not seen or known the status of their child for years at a time.
I would like someone who's experiences mirror mine - being that of divorced parent. I don't think a never-married-no-kids guy would be a good match for me because our experiences are too different and that leads to different expectations. An experience with an O40NMNK guy has me thinking they are spoiled. I told one I was not interested and I walked away only to look back to see that he was pouting with his head down! Do I need an over-40 kid that I didn't birth from my own loins? Also O40NMNK men can treat their women like queens... while being resentful of your children. They are not his kids and he may feel is competing for your time and affection with them. Another reason prefer men and fathers.
I do notice however that divorced men and single fathers would love a relationship with a never married single women who isn't a mom. They find this quality more attractive in women and they don't want the same 'baggage' that they themselves carry.
Divorced men can offer some challenges themselves. Some are a little bitter and disheartened about relationships and women - especially if the divorce was bitter or there was infidelity. I don't want someone with that kind of attitude, insecurity or problem. I am not to play nurse-maid to anyone's feelings or 'prove' to them that women are good and not cheating gold-digging whores - which seems to be what many people - not just men- want a person to do.
And I don't see what shyness has to do with it. I was very shy and I'm still an introvert and still managed an LTR. I do believe there is truly somebody out here for everybody - even tho I don't believe in 'soul mates' or 'Mr & Ms Right.' I believe in Mr. and Mrs. Relative Right' - meaning regardless of the type of person or the how the relationship turns out that person was the right person for you at that particular point of time in your life, even if for nothing more than to teach you a lesson on who to avoid in the future. But you gotta not be afraid to take that chance and land the relationship and get married if that is the thing you want to do. Someone who reached the age of 40 and way beyond to near 60 says to me that they have a lot of fear about relationships and may have avoided them to stave off hurt save their vulnerability. I understand self-protection but that's not necessarily a virtue when it comes to relationships and personal commitment. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/23/2009 5:59:45 AM | i think men look better in society's eyes than a woman who is over a certain age and has not been married. a co-worker (guy) was complaining to me about his old uncle who was about late 50's never married but found a woman he thought was the one to marry. then his uncle was now having second thoughts about this woman who was in her late 40's and he decided to put the marriage off/breakup with this woman. my coworker who was married (30) with 2 kids was very upset and had other negative things to say about his uncle the "old goat" like he's selfish, stubborn but not gay.
a friend (woman, 41) told me she met a great guy about 43, never married and one year old baby from his former lover but doesn't know if she wants to waste time on him since he has never been married? personally, i think its okay for a man from 35 to 45 to never been married but a man older is questionable to me. this shows that he has some kind of emotional instability or something is not "kosher" | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/23/2009 8:36:02 AM | ^^^^ Ok, so you have the stigma. The thread's question is, "Why?".
Or is this just something peculiar to people who have a "shoot first, maybe ask questions later" bent? | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/23/2009 10:50:36 PM |
And I don't see what shyness has to do with it. I was very shy and I'm still an introvert and still managed an LTR. I do believe there is truly somebody out here for everybody - even tho I don't believe in 'soul mates' or 'Mr & Ms Right.' I believe in Mr. and Mrs. Relative Right' - meaning regardless of the type of person or the how the relationship turns out that person was the right person for you at that particular point of time in your life, even if for nothing more than to teach you a lesson on who to avoid in the future. But you gotta not be afraid to take that chance and land the relationship and get married if that is the thing you want to do. Someone who reached the age of 40 and way beyond to near 60 says to me that they have a lot of fear about relationships and may have avoided them to stave off hurt save their vulnerability. I understand self-protection but that's not necessarily a virtue when it comes to relationships and personal commitment.
Well, being shy means it was difficult to ask someone out. I remember times that I had to pick up the phone numerous times before I got up the nerve to call and ask for a date. And when out on a date, it was hard to loosen up and be myself. I'd struggle to get a conversation going, when normally, I have no trouble chatting with people. So why can't you understand how difficult under those circumstances it would be to continue dating one person and getting into a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship?
You say that someone close to 60 and never married says to you they have a fear about relationships. Well, such is not the case with me at all. I've always wanted to be in a relationship. I have no fear of them, so you'd be wrong in my case, at least. Assumptions can be very wrong, so it's dangerous to make them. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/24/2009 8:01:44 AM | | i do like to be very up front so i juggle between the best of both worlds honesty is the best policy ive been here forever trying to just communicate with woman it doesent work what do you do? how can you give of the wrong impression if your totally honest theres someone for every one "is,nt there"? i hate being a bachelor, it stinks. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/24/2009 9:28:56 AM |
i do like to be very up front so i juggle between the best of both worlds honesty is the best policy ive been here forever trying to just communicate with woman it doesent work what do you do? how can you give of the wrong impression if your totally honest theres someone for every one "is,nt there"? i hate being a bachelor, it stinks.
My sentiments exactly! Yep, it stinks being a bachelor. I will always be upfront and honest. I won't lie, no matter what, even if it makes it very tough to find someone. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/24/2009 5:54:58 PM | | Well, a week ago my older brother's 18-year-old daughter came to live with him, and he is living with my mom and stepdad without a job. After spending $50 on her (halloween costume and regular makeup) last night (not to mention food and cigarettes [$16]) and stopping by the house today, I am more than glad to not have any kids. I suppose after his 3rd daughter, one of my uncles decided not to have any more. He told me if he had to do it all over again he wouldn't get married, even if he's got a blonde, blue-eyed beauty for a wife. | |
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| What I experienced
Posted: 10/24/2009 7:59:32 PM | Everyone is different, that's a given however I've know of two bachelors, one of 51 and another that's an older guy who is more a poor exception to every rule. The former is a confirmed bachelor who is very set in his ways and doesn't have a place for a female partner for the long haul. He even has a problem with a different choice of foods from his own.
There are exceptions with people but I have met confirmed bachelors and have met them on single sites (no named ones mentioned). | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/25/2009 8:53:04 AM | That's pretty right on Madison, I'll be 50 in Nov, I Do wonder what women think when I tell them that I've never been Married or have no children.
I do confess that I am a Workaholic, and my job takes me away from home a lot, this must be it, for I only have the weekends to enjoy my Partner!
I have seen the other side of this tho, my last relationship, I felt was a Part Time deal, she had 50/50 custody of her kids (wonderful kids), but I couldn't spend as much time with her on her Kids weekend as I spent with her on Our weekend. So, I only saw her 2 or 3 weekends a month, not good!
Yes, their Is more to the story, but I still didn't have much time to give her.
Now Single and Dating! | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/25/2009 8:58:57 AM | I'm now at the point in my life where, if a woman won't date me because I have never been married, have no kids so what. Seems as we get older we actually do get pickier. Putting people under the microscope more and not worry about what they are as a person.
Ladies keep up the great work. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/25/2009 9:18:26 AM | | I have been rejected many times and been deeemed an insuitable dating partner because I have not been married. (before the men knew anything else about me at all). Not going to spend my time trying to convince a closed minded man that I am worth his time even though I am not "normal" according to him. Some of us do appreciate the older bachelors and wish we could find more of them who wanted to get to know women who have not been married. I have found that the older bachelors I met who are between ages 40-55 have wanted to marry women who are younger so they can have children or to marry women who have children whose fathers were not in the picture. Guess their paternal instincts were much stronger than my maternal instincts. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/25/2009 9:26:43 AM | | being a bachelor in america with the divorce rate and the court system is actually the smart thing to do. who says you can't love a woman and live with her and if things don't work out theres no huge legal crap because when a relationship breaks down it boils down to one thing....back to being selfish and if you're not married then the selfishness doesn't get into divorce court. it's smart being a bachelor. if they changed the laws most all men would be married and most women would not file for divorce. the divorce rate would drop like a prom dress on prom night and divorce would only be between the truly abusive relationships. so being a bachelor is actually extremely smart. | |
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| Why is it such a stigma to be an older bachelor?
Posted: 10/26/2009 2:48:30 PM | | 4 years in the university, 15 years in the military; I didnt think I would miss travelling as much as I do. If theres a stigma to it, let it be, lets all just get tattoos and make it easier to discriminate. I am thinking the ol Skull and Bones with ticker under it for every year that ye hath remain'd single, unhitched and unkidded. | |
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