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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/8/2009 11:50:33 AM |
A contrasting theory has it that we (men and women) avoid the vulnerability of self-disclosure because expressing the truth of our feelings (perhaps even to ourselves) could expose the ego and self to the pain of possible rejection, embarrassment, disapproval, etc.
No one can hurt your feelings but yourself. Other people may say hurtful remarks. But you control your reactions. If you truly love yourself unconditionally. You already accept who you are and know all your shortcomings. You already done the self examination and be peace with yourself. There is no one can hurt your feeling.
One of the reason we get hurt because of expectation. Most times, we try to obtain understanding and approval from others. This could result disappointment and hurt.
Sorry, most posters got it wrong when they say some people are self-centered and selfish. Actually the problem those people have is self-hatred and self-loathing. I suspect Michael Jackson was the prime example. They can't accept the real self. They make up web of lies to protect the fake image. Because they can't face themselves. | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/8/2009 11:54:41 AM | No one can hurt your feelings but yourself. Other people may say hurtful remarks. But you control your reactions. If you truly love yourself unconditionally. You already accept who you are and know all your shortcomings. You already done the self examination and be peace with yourself. There is no one can hurt your feeling.
While I agree on some levels, I disagree on the intimate level. As I see it, when you make yourself vulnerable to another person (and therefore achieve intimacy), you sort of ARE giving them permission to hurt you. You have opened yourself up to them SO MUCH, and you are saying to them, "Here I am, laid bare. I am trusting you not to hurt me."
==========
Ah, Division, we meet again.
I think it's funny how women expect men to cater to their emotional whims, when that's not really how men are wired.
I think it's funny how men expect women to ignore their emotions, when that's not really how women are wired.
And JUST by saying they are "whims", you denigrated every woman's emotions. The Men's Club salutes you! | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/8/2009 12:48:28 PM |
While I agree on some levels, I disagree on the intimate level. As I see it, when you make yourself vulnerable to another person (and therefore achieve intimacy), you sort of ARE giving them permission to hurt you.
You still don't get what I attempt to communicate. The intimacy start within oneself. You're very comfortable with yourself. When you talk about your "secret", it's no difference telling others that you like blue color and your favorite food is fried donuts. If the other person only associate people who like red color, you're not a match.
Think carefully, and give me a solid example how you become vulnerable. I may misread your words. | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/8/2009 1:19:50 PM |
You still don't get what I attempt to communicate. The intimacy start within oneself. You're very comfortable with yourself. When you talk about your "secret", it's no difference telling others that you like blue color and your favorite food is fried donuts. If the other person only associate people who like red color, you're not a match. I think you're making a good point here -- a point I've tried to make myself before now, but generally unsuccessfully.
There are people who say "everyone has secrets", "everyone has something to hide" ... now I think there is stuff that you don't tell everyone, but that's because it's not appropriate/relevant/interesting, not because having people know makes you vulnerable. Mostly, that is how I feel -- I feel that I have no secrets that could be betrayed (which is not in conflict with being a quite reclusive/private person). I'm not afraid of being known to be the person that I am - why would I be? At some time in the past that this lack of fear was a strange variation on the confidence I'd always been said to lack due to my reticence.
However... things can change when you begin to care what a particular person thinks of you. I remember when I was getting to know my partner, gradually, though long many-part emails on PoF, not knowing if something I may have said would make him think I was weird or too intense or too serious or any of the usual labels people apply. Rejection, even on a "I'm not really interested to talk with you any more" level, when it comes from someone whose opinion you've come to value, does have a sting. You can't just say "this is me" and truly not feel vulnerable at all, because there is now the whispered subtext "I hope you still want to talk to me!".
For people who care what everyone thinks of them, I suspect that the whisper is always there and they don't distinguish in terms of "people whose rejection would sting and people I'm indifferent to", but instead see it in terms of: "information that could lead to a painful rejection and information that is less controversial". | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/8/2009 1:59:14 PM | I think i see where your coming from.You want to build a relationship that is rich both emotionaly and mentaly(sharing).Trying and not achiving has left you spent?.You know how to have a good friendship but the latter escapes you and you want to know how to achieve this.ok.....
I think this is a job for a man.
What I mean is,you need a man who knows how to make those bridges and help you cross them so you can both share those things with each other.I think your just "stuck"here.Lots of guys hone there skills to be what wimen want and there are guys that have honed their skills at bridgeing these kinds of things.There out there..
I hope I didnt misunderstand you.
You said you have some ideas of your own,I'd like to hear them.Would you be so kind as to share? | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/8/2009 2:08:26 PM |
Masculine men typically aren't emotional creatures.........never have been.
I don't know about that, I'm only attracted to the 'masculine type' and I can assure you they're the ONLY ones I date....In my experience they are far more emotional than the average bloke, the masculinity shell is just a facade they've erected themselves in fear of getting hurt. I’ve seen masculine men fall to their knees.  | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/8/2009 2:19:09 PM |
However... things can change when you begin to care what a particular person thinks of you. I remember when I was getting to know my partner, gradually, though long many-part emails on PoF, not knowing if something I may have said would make him think I was weird or too intense or too serious or any of the usual labels people apply.
If we already give ourselves unconditional love. Fear of rejection is a huge step backward. Actually it's so petty, I don't really want to address it. However, I know it's common, especially among women because they don't practice too often.
Suppose you plan to run across safari next winter and you look for partner to run with you. You ask around. There are several response.
Mike "sorry, I'm too busy with my job, I don't think I can take a month off work."
John "sorry, I don't have the fund to travel to Africa."
Steve "sorry, I broke my ankle and I don't think I'll be good enough to run."
Jack "I can't stand heat. If you wanna change your plan I can run across Canada with you. Are you OK with that?"
Don "I usually run 80 miles a day. You run 40 miles a day. I'm willing to do 60 if you speed up. Are you OK with that?"
The whole courting should be finding a compatible partner in the same journey, not try to make someone like you. | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/8/2009 2:24:09 PM | I think I understand, you are saying you accept your "secret" and have come to peace with it, so telling it gives no other person power (I'm going to have to look up if you are male or female). I don't agree that anyone ever reaches nirvana, or perfect zen, or whatever you want to call this.
To me, being intimate isn't in *accepting* one's flaws, it's in *showing* them (the being vulnerable part). And hoping and trusting that the person you are sharing everything with is willing to accept you (authentic you)--despite your flaws. they love YOU, not your social self, but your authentic self.
The difference is I hear you saying that you can get to a point where you don't care what other people think of you because you've accepted, and are at peace with, who you are, flaws and all. I see THAT as a barricade to intimacy. If you don't care what I feel, why bother to be with me? | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/8/2009 3:07:41 PM |
OP, it sounds like you must've had great sex with your ex, but there wasn't much open communication otherwise you would've known how he felt about a lot of issues. Sounds like this person just never allowed himself to open up to you and kept everything to himself.
This is the tangible grab.
Sometimes initial immediate sex is very good and some people try to build an emotional and mental intimacy from that as the springboard. They figure as long as the sex is hot, that is all that matters. When the hotness of the sex cools down, and there has been nothing else established, it soon breaks down.
Intimacy = trust and communication. That doesn't come the first night when you are fecking your brains out.
I have found in my life that I have been lucky in that I have had the "knock your socks off" initial attraction at least ten times. In each instance, I have held back from having the sex right away to see if I could build that "emotional and mental intimacy" first.
Out of the ten times, I have only managed to have that "emotional and mental intimacy" three times. When I knew I was in his big head instead of just his little one, then I knew that was when I would have sex with him. A woman has to be in a man's head for any bridge to be built.
Then it was the whole package. Mind-blowing sex and the intimacy. The ultimate comfort level with each other. One is sex the other is making love. | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/8/2009 3:08:00 PM | I think I understand, you are saying you accept your "secret" and have come to peace with it, so telling it gives no other person power (I'm going to have to look up if you are male or female). I don't agree that anyone ever reaches nirvana, or perfect zen, or whatever you want to call this.
To me, being intimate isn't in *accepting* one's flaws, it's in *showing* them (the being vulnerable part). And hoping and trusting that the person you are sharing everything with is willing to accept you (authentic you)--despite your flaws. they love YOU, not your social self, but your authentic self.
The difference is I hear you saying that you can get to a point where you don't care what other people think of you because you've accepted, and are at peace with, who you are, flaws and all. I see THAT as a barricade to intimacy. If you don't care what I feel, why bother to be with me?
I'm kind of in agreement with you here. My personality moves easily through the world (wasn't always the case), I can get along with just about anybody on some level, and I can usually instinctively find that level in about a nanosecond. I can be an interpersonal machine when I want to, and warmly and authentically so.
But there are psychic levels and aspects within me that are more complex and sensitive, almost immeasurably more personal to me. I certainly don't dish these out to everyone, though they're still there on the surface in some more disguised or subtle form or another. It's almost as if there are these central pillars, even "secrets" to my personality, to who I am, and I know them as well as well could be.
When they are really attracted to and engaged by someone, when I'm getting more intimately close to someone, I certainly become more sensitive and vulnerable. I don't know how anyone could not feel such an "intimate risk" in the process of drawing someone close inside you who appeals so deeply to your heart?
It doesn't matter in the least to me how well I KNOW of the ingredients of who I am. They may be abstractions to my mind, contemplations, ideas, understandings, etc.. But they're also of the body. They're etched in my brain matter, in my nerves, in my blood and my bones; and until I die, my body and soul are inseparable. How can one feel so detached from one's body, from the emotions someone intimately elicits from it, not feel that someone close to you has this intimate power upon you?
I simply don't understand such a thing. Perhaps this is so for me because I'm still alive. | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/8/2009 3:20:41 PM |
When they are really attracted to and engaged by someone, when I'm getting more intimately close to someone, I certainly become more sensitive and vulnerable. I don't know how anyone could not feel such an "intimate risk" in the process of drawing someone close inside you who appeals so deeply to your heart?
I think it's beautiful to be able to just let go and really feel, that's the risk of love....I would rather love wholeheartedly and experience love for all of what it is, then to selectively choose what my logical mind deems as safe. | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/8/2009 3:35:12 PM | I think it's beautiful to be able to just let go and really feel, that's the risk of love....I would rather love wholeheartedly and experience love for all of what it is, then to selectively choose what my logical mind deems as safe.
Nicely spoken. Unfortunately for me, I was my own Don Quixote who unbeknownst at the outset had set forth upon the world's longest learning curve. Now I'm 50, sitting here plinking, wondering what the hell happened, and where in the hell did it leave me? LOL | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/8/2009 3:52:55 PM | I'm behind in this conversation, and I'm picking it up at the end (sorry Hearttune, then again, rune's reply was wonderful *grins*).
4Forums, I truly get what you are saying. Indeed, as I move through my life I have learned that the more I own my less than wonderful bits, and am willing to be a f*up in the ways I am, everything gets easier, simpler and flows freely. People respond in real life to real emotion. Far from the ground opening up and swallowing you, they embrace your humanity. Gosh, who knew? Still.
I'm not so evolved that I don't have my insecurities. The level of insecurity is inverse to the amount I feel is "at stake". With a less important connection, pfft, I am the bravest and most secure and evolved person on the face of the planet. And this secure, evolved person can revert to feeling four years old in :30 seconds under the withering eye of my much older sister. *whew*
So, I ask myself. What is it that has us be our most evolved selves with a new person? Safety. "I feel safe with you"
Safe to tell them the squeamish bits about myself. Safe to be less than perfect. Safe to be vulnerable.
What creates safety? Acceptance does. Non judgement does. Being open to explore your thoughts does.
We don't meet someone and do a dump of who we are, we slowly reveal in the fullness of time.
edit to add:
Now I'm 50, sitting here plinking, wondering what the hell happened, and where in the hell did it leave me? LOL
Ahhh, try a different question, perhaps. "Where do you want to play today?"
And then. Miracle of miracles, do what NONE of us ever seem to do. Take it to the next step and actually answer your own question! | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/8/2009 7:21:18 PM |
That is your opinion, and you're entitled to it. However, GOOD SEX does not mean you want a LTR. Good sex for some is just that without the emotional connection. For others (such as yourself), the other elements must be present to have the whole ball of wax.
As frequently is the case, farceur nailed it. You agree with carolann0308. You're both women. I agree with DIVISION77. We're both men. Although of course, there is variation, in general women and men think very differently about sex.
Most women have a jar labeled SEX, like a spice jar in the kitchen. They can open it or close it. They may like what's in it or not. They might insist that it has to be mixed with the contents of another jar called LOVE, or they might enjoy it on its own. They can sell it or give it away or keep it or whatever it is that they do. The point being, it's in a clearly labeled jar.
Most men aren't like that. Sex is wired to everything else. It's more like a part of curry powder than like a separate space. Sex is interconnected with everything.
This is relevant to the OP, because she effectively declares the women's perspective the one true perspective, and men's perspectives must be ruled out of any discussion before it's started. Given that, it isn't terribly surprising that she's had difficulty, and it's not terribly likely that this difficulty will stop. But then again, absolute refusal to understand how the other sex works kind of defeats the whole point of heterosexuality in the first place. | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/8/2009 8:27:45 PM | Instead of railing and wailing about how unfair the OP is, why don't you without rancor give your perspective, Bwana? Give us insights instead of attack the OP?
If I may use your jar analogy:
You have a jar labelled BULLSHYTE.
You like to pull it out, stick your fingers in there, and spread it around. But the thing about it is, all it does is stink the place up and cover every thing with a thick layer of crap.
and men's perspectives must be ruled out of any discussion before it's started.
Where did she invalidate any man's perspective?
Sex is interconnected with everything.
This I agree with. But how can I? I'm a woman?! | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/8/2009 8:39:22 PM | Respect. I was raised to respect my elders and I could never be with someone I don't respect and who doesn't respect me. To me it means someone we honor and recognize as equal to ourselves and it gives the relationship a more solid feeling. You would be less likely to mistreat someone that you respect.
Honesty/Truth. I have been lied to before, all of us has, and I don't like it. to me a relationship should encourage the participants to be as honest as they can with each other. It helps you trust one another.
Trust. If you believe your partner to be truthful and that they care about you and wouldn't want to harm you, you have to Trust them with this belief. You have to trust that they will be there for you. And trust their integrity. I would not date someone I didn't trust.
Communication. There is no relationship without communication.
Cooperation. A relationship is about two people together, not one person or another. It has to be about Both parties.
Basically these fundamentals for me tie in together to create the basis of a relationship.
Because these set the path for emotional and mental intimacy to be shared, and once both of you create a past of sharing it will be easier to do more of it in the future. | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/8/2009 9:58:17 PM | Instead of asking “What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy”, you should be asking “What causes an unstable relationship?” This is a simple answer. I can trace every relationship that I have heard about, or witnessed, or experienced myself that caused a separation, to one single problem.
Insecurity of oneself.
Trust – How can you trust someone if you can’t trust yourself, not secure in your own decisions - insecurity
Honesty – You will not tell the truth if you feel the need to lie about what you are - insecurity
Communication – This is the same as Honesty, lying to create a false sense of oneself - insecurity
Respect – You can’t respect someone else if you don’t respect yourself – insecurity
Friendship – You can’t be a friend if you think you have nothing to offer – insecurity
Patience – You can not see the value in patience, if you do not think you are worth a good outcome - insecurity
Humility – You can not be humble if you think you are worthless - insecurity
Great sex – You will not perform well if you think you are worthless - insecurity
Hard work – You will not work hard if you think you are worthless - insecurity
Loyalty – You will not think loyalty is possible if you can not trust yourself - insecurity
Dependability – You will not think someone is dependable if you can not trust yourself - insecurity
Consideration – You will not be considerate if you think you are not worth someone’s consideration - insecurity
Responsibility towards self / one another – You will think you are not worth the effort to be responsible – insecurity
See the behavioural pattern here. As long as you are insecure about yourself, any relationship is doomed unless you reject your insecurity, accept your strengths, and minimize your faults. Example, I will never be a professional Basketball star, a person of that type of fame, wealth, and power, but that does not stop me from being secure in my abilities to be a good companion. You can not build an emotional bridge if there is too much insecurity wearing away the base of the bridge. It will collapse.
Thank you – The Artist | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/9/2009 12:22:24 AM | OP
Emotional and mental intimacy. That's a tall order. I think that the "emotional" intimacy, mixed as it is with the sex thing, and the cuteness thing, is easier to achieve than the "mental intimacy" thing. That's where, based on my experience, things begin to fall apart. "Mental intimacy" is so fragile. You can disagree on who will win on "American Idol" and not stand to see each other for a day or so, because she thought that Tom Delay should not have been eliminated. Blasphemy! How can she think that way! But it's because of lack of understanding about what her criteria for elimination is. A little wine shared around the patio table, arguing in a friendly way should take care of that problem. But most couples are not willing to go that way. One or the other will not want "to go there."
I reckon that those couples who have open lines of communication on the "mental intimacy" thing will get closest to becoming "soul mates." The thing about the romance game, it's always a "work in progress." It will NEVER be perfect, but it's dang fun to work at getting as close to perfect as you can get it. And it's even fun to have disagreements once in a while, it introduces "challenges," that if met, will make us recognize the strength of each other's character.
The one bright moment that I remember about my ex is that she love making jewelry. So, to make extra money, and for a sense of achievement, she tried to open up a booth at one of the local flea markets. Well, her first day was during "tax free" holiday, when most folks were too busy buying stuff for "back to school" without having to pay state taxes. She failed miserably; she only sold one pair of ear rings. But I was so damned proud of her for TRYING. No achievement is worth striving for unless you take risk, and she did. She went out of her comfort zone to TRY something new. That shows character. Our subsequent discussions, establishing "mental intimacy" only brought us closer in terms of "emotional intimacy." So I reckon that both are connected.
As I think about it, "mental intimacy" is almost impossible without first starting with "emotional intimacy." That sense of excitement that you have being with someone that makes you feel alive, both sexually and in "other ways." By other ways, I mean "socially compatible." Once that happens, the "mental intimacy" thing has a chance to start working, overtime sometimes.
Example: Yesterday, I met with one of my co-workers, a female. Had a problem with scheduling classes, and she taught one of them. Admittedly, she's cute, but in the workplace one must strive to remain neutral to all of that. I explained the situation, she came back, in a flash with, "Well, we can offer the left-over class as a summer class." Brilliant! She's not only cute, she's brilliant! How can you resist that? So, one thing is enhanced by another. And that's when it begins to get interesting ..... imagine having that type of intrique for the rest of your life ... someone who has you interested emotionally, but can also stretch your mind to new horizons .... | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/9/2009 6:45:47 AM | emotional and mental intimacy kinda comes naturally to me so i'm at a loss to explain how to "build" it. to the extent those things are lacking in a relationship, i think it only reveals the degree to which we tend to build walls, withdraw instead of reaching out, focus on what's wrong instead of discussing how mutually satisfying agreements can be reached, or otherwise "stuff it". i don't even know how a relationship can develop or survive without emotional and mental intimacy.... the only thing left over is sex and heck, you can PAY for that if you really want it badly enough. but all the money in the world can't buy genuine intimacy... a priceless gift of your Self, given freely.
I think it's funny how women expect men to cater to their emotional whims, when that's not really how men are wired.
"UG!!" | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/9/2009 7:09:54 AM | Well, a focus on "what's wrong" without blame is a way to effectively get to mutually satisfying agreements, isn't it?
I suspect part of the underpinnings for why the identification of "what's wrong?" goes awry is many people don't know themselves well enough to know what is wrong. (We keep coming back to "know thyself", don't we?). Often, "what's wrong" isn't so much what the other person said/did (or didn't say/do) but how we *feel* about it or how it effects our interior landscape.
If you can't say 'what's wrong' clearly, why not? Being clear about these things is what builds intimacy. If it is lack of trust in the other person to hear you, that's one problem. If it is lack of personal clarity or potential conflict avoidance, that's different problems.
Another part is poor communication. Can one say clearly 'what's wrong' without casting blame on the other person?
edit to add: Rather than 'what's missing or wrong?' I use "something happened" because it is without judgement... a useful trick to keep myself focused and on point. | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/9/2009 7:19:28 AM | Well, a focus on "what's wrong" without blame is a way to effectively get to mutually satisfying agreements, isn't it?
exactly, margo! except that lots of people seem to be either unwilling or unable to leave "blame" out of the equation.
people just love to blame. not sure why except it's a convenient way of externalizing and projecting your own own role in the problem entirely onto somebody else. because if somebody is to "blame", then by implication you have NO responsibility and the other person has ALL of it.
this isn't just a "relationship" thing between people and their significant other. it happens all the time and in a number of different contexts. it's funny as hell to see how it plays out with the people i work with on a daily basis. the absolute FIRST thing that a lot of people look for, is who can they BLAME, lol.
i admit that i've been guilty of this myself. it's just one of those temptations, an easy habit for people to fall into, and a real easy one to keep for the intellectually lazy. it sorta comes with human nature but ideally is something that you learn to recognize and overcome. | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/9/2009 9:22:17 AM |
I'm not so evolved that I don't have my insecurities. The level of insecurity is inverse to the amount I feel is "at stake". With a less important connection, pfft, I am the bravest and most secure and evolved person on the face of the planet. And this secure, evolved person can revert to feeling four years old in :30 seconds under the withering eye of my much older sister. *whew*
A warrior isn't someone who has no fear (that's a zombie). A warrior is someone rationalizes his own fear to do the "right thing". He does his best to be victorious. At the same time, he accepts that defeat and death is part of his chosen career.
It's easier said than done. I also have trouble sometimes.
I just accept that I'm human and fallible, and some of my decisions will be wrong. Even some of what I'm writing here are B.S. to someone, or to me when I'm wiser. The fear of being wrong doesn't stop me present my ideas.
Ahhh, try a different question, perhaps. "Where do you want to play today?"
Exactly my thought. If you have no destination in mind, you're going no where. | |
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| What Are the Fundamental Tools of Building Emotional and Mental Intimacy?
Posted: 10/9/2009 11:57:34 AM | 
Well said on all 3 counts. Put a person in front of you that you're naturally attracted to, not only sexually but in other important ways of "compatibility." The stakes are, indeed, higher. You think about creating chances to meet them again. You strategize on how to make the bond stronger. That, to me, is an emotional connection. And, it can be quite lop-sided, but I've known of some folks who, with that alone, and with persistence, have managed to "win" the other person over. I can't count how many people, married for years, have said to me, "He's not what I would consider the person that makes my heart go pitter patter, but, he's a good man/woman, so I stay ...
Alas, that is a "negotiated" settlement. And, perhaps, for some, it works. Others are still persistent on getting to a higher plateau of relationships. Like you imply, this might be a "quest" of sorts, requiring more of a "warrior" mentality, a striving, not for "conquest," but for a sense of achievement that is truly worthy of being able to say, "This is my legacy."
"Intellectual intimacy" is a necessary ingredient for achievement of that quest. And, it is a two way game. The "blame game," as mentioned before, often comes into the picture, as, often, one partner or the other, is not seeking to "lead mutually," but rather, to be "led" to happiness, perhaps out of a sense of entitlement. "I deserve to be happy, and if it does not happen, why, it's my partner's fault." That's why the "trophy wife" thing seldom leads to anything fruitful.
Take "emotional intimacy" alone, without "intellectual intimacy." Then a "trophy" man or woman would suffice. Heck, even a "pay for service" person might suffice.
Take "intellectual intimacy" alone, and one has a sense of admiration for a person, but that person does not offer the degree of "attraction" that is necessary for living "for your eyes only."
The two, having both emotional and intellectual intimacy together, is a high quest. It does require the mind of a warrior, so to speak, and it does mean the risk of losing "satisficing" partnerships along the way. But if done right, the losses only inform the question, "What did I do wrong and how can I learn from it."
An iceberg, only about 20 percent or so, is visible above water. That's what we "see" when we lose a partner. The other 80 percent, though, below water, is what we might "gain" from the loss. Knowledge about what went right, and what went wrong.
But, in the end, an ideal romantic relationship, well the vision of a warrior in search of a quest has to give way to two warriors joining in partnership in search of a quest. One has the other's back, and one can carry the other if necessary.
Maybe this is a Don Quixote vision; but at least Don Quixote HAD a vision. Most folks traverse through life without one. | |
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