| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 5:27:38 PM | I find it odd that if your a pixie you prefer not to say what your size is.
If it's difficult for you to imagine FOREVER at 23, you're not ready to marry him.
I don't care what his weigh is, how much he drinks etc.
YOU'RE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED. Be engaged for 3 yrs. | |
|
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 5:30:49 PM | I'm very disappointed in many Posters, are many that shallow and Ignorant, that
many of your attack is on his weight, when in fact his weight shouldn't even
be an Issue.
I know many Men that are over 200lbs and responsible family men.
This guy and the OP have bigger issues and drama to address then the Foquen's
persons weight.  | |
|
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 5:31:36 PM | Six months after the proposal, I moved out and took a job I love in a city I love.
I think this speaks volumes about your relationship. You moved away from the man you are supposed to "love" for a job you "love" and a city you "love". How do you feel about marrying someone who came in third on your list? You know the answer to that, you just might not be ready to admit it to yourself. But it is true what they say....actions speak louder than words.
Take some time. Grow. And remember, it's not enough to love someone. You have to be able to respect, trust, and cherish them also. Do you think you can do that with him? | |
|
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 5:46:23 PM | Before you make ANY decisions and think any further about any of it; COMMUNICATE WITH HIM, and tell him that you are being very serious. If you are going to be together for what you would hope to be the rest of your lives, and you really love him, this can be figured out TOGETHER. People who are in love make compromises and work together to accomplish goals. If he is unwilling to compromise with you, then that is the clear sign that he isn't ready for a marriage and not ready for you.
To me, his positives outweigh his negatives. drinking three times a week is really no big deal unless he is actually getting drunk every time. A few drinks every now and then is not a problem, but do recognize that it can get that way if he lets it.
Seriously talk to him about his weight. Tell him that you dearly love him and you want him to be healthy so you can spend more of your life with each other. | |
|
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 6:04:43 PM |
When we are together, we seem to not have much to talk about and he will usually watch TV and I will just read/be on the computer.
Fast forward five years from now. He's 400 pounds, asks you to get him
a beer as he's watching TV as your on the computer...at his parents house!
Sounds like a bright future! Hurry up and set that date! | |
|
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 6:26:33 PM |
He is very educated. I mean, this man is VERY intelligent..........he is bad with money.
Don't over rate a bookworm.... you'll go bankrupt.
I know several people who are extremely intelligent but absolutely clueless. Having knowledge and how he uses that knowledge seperates the "haves" and the "Have nots".
He drinks with his friends about 3X/wk.....he is bad with money......when he comes to visit me for a weekend, we can sometimes spend up to 10 hrs. at his parents....... he was a chubby guy....... (now) near 300 lbs. This has made sex uncomfortable........We don’t have intercourse that often.........He also pretty much refuses to get healthier.......we seem to not have much to talk about.......But I can also see that as us being out of “the honeymoon phase”
My responses to the above:
All those things you mention are things that are very contentious and common during a marriage..... and you're not even married.
Sweetheart, if you are claiming to be out of the honeymoon phase then what are you doing? He's a mommy's boy and a lazy slob.... who cares if a childish, lazy man can make you laugh? Eventually, he will make you cry, in my opinion. | |
|
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 6:51:55 PM | I'd say go with your gut.
You have second thoughts and misgivings and I think the negatives are legitimate.
Take a break. Take some time off. Consider whether he is really the future you see.
This is a big deal.
There's no reason to do something against your inner voice.
If you're unsettled internally there's a very real reason. | |
|
| |
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 6:59:29 PM | | It's difficult for you to see the "big picture" simply because you're not old enough or, obviously, experienced enough. To me (and most of the people here) this guy sounds like an accident waiting to happen. If your gut is telling you there's trouble in river city, listen to it because there it. IF you want to give this a chance, discuss these concerns with him and see what he does with it. If you can't express honest concerns with him, you have no business marrying him. If, after discussing these things with him, if nothing changes, I think you know what to do. Most people have some good things in them but if the bad things severely outweigh the good things, time to move on. | |
|
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 7:07:00 PM | Perhaps you should take a break , I see some problem and its not little problems either.
He is near 300 lbs, and its going to get worse, as soon as he becomes a lawyer , you think his eating habits will change?
Depending on the law he's practicing, assuming he's going to join a firm, count on long hours, bad eating habits, stress, and the diet well you know .....
Something stood out, he lies about spending money on food, its not going to get better.
The sex, I wont touch that for now, but the serious part THE MONEY, if he's bad with money , its not going to get any better, Believe me when I say this, I have some clients, lawyers and doctors, most of them have no clue about money and that is dangerous, just because he's educated in his field doesn't mean he's money savvy
I really believe maybe you guys should take a break, re evaluate things ( both of you), There is a reason you're getting cold feet, your subconscious is trying to talk to you but your heart is shutting the door, it almost sounds like your parallel lines going separate ways | |
|
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 7:13:59 PM | Guys don't mature as fast as girls do, so he's set back a bit further than you might be OP. Also, he sounds like he's got some dependency issues and those issues WILL interfere with marriage as much as they will with your live-in relationship.
What you have now is what you'll see then. Have a good, hard look at it and decide...is this the kind of person I believe I want to share the rest of my life with? Could I see myself being with him for the long haul or is it just that I've never really seen myself with anyone else.
You are at one of the most important forks in the road here...do NOT take the wrong turn.
I believe you need to honour your inner voice which is telling you "not now." Listen to that. It may make things much more complicated but it will be far less grief than a divorce.
Sweetheart, you don't need a piece of paper to be in love with someone. If you are concerned about his food addiction (sounds like he's stuffing something--issues he's not resolving) and his health, I recommend you hold off on any plans for marriage. It doesn't mean the end of the relationship, but until you feel 100% convinced that he can be part of a healthy, productive relationship, do not marry him.
I'm really sorry about this. I know you love him, I can see that from the way you speak of him. It hurts when someone you love is doing this.
But whatever you do, love yourself TOO...love yourself first.
I suggest you find a wise source to draw from for the next while. It sounds like you are at a turning point and it could go a few different ways.
No, he doesn't sound like anyone I'd want my daughter to marry just yet. Good luck sweetie. Gosh I hope you do the right thing for yourself. I'd hate to see you be embittered by a bad marriage. | |
|
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 7:27:36 PM | You have good post and I don't know why some would vote to delete it. Come on People! She is sharing something that fits in the forum topics....grrrr!
You recognised the red flags in your relationship with this guy and these are issues that will get bigger if it is not sort out. You don't seem happy and I don't blame you. Your man has problems and he has to deal with them before it will eat him up. It might take him a while to work on it but that depends on him and if he wants to work on it
Despite all that, I think you are holding onto this relationship because you like the idea of being engaged to him or being with someone yet you know this particular relationship is not working out. How about you call it quits and go discover the world around you. If somewhere along the way you and him meet up again by then you will know .... | |
|
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 7:32:20 PM | | He's obese and never saves money so he isn't intelligent enough and can be yours forever if you want to keep him... | |
|
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 7:38:08 PM | I'm very disappointed in many Posters, are many that shallow and Ignorant, that
many of your attack is on his weight, when in fact his weight shouldn't even
be an Issue.
I know many Men that are over 200lbs and responsible family men.
of course it's an issue!!! the man is only 25 years old and weighs 300 lbs!!! 300 is just TOO much weight for anyone, no matter how tall you are. | |
|
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 7:43:28 PM |
(OP) Like I said earlier, I am definitely not using this forum as a way to make a decision. Just curious, as it is difficult to imagine “forever” at 23. Just want some "older" opinions! Thanks!
I have to agree with Wazhiz, msg 31.
I'm going against everyone. The good out ways the bad. His negatives are things he will out grow. But those positives will last forever. You two love each other, he treats you well, he likes kids & his family, he makes you light up & the man is smart & educated too. Dang I am jealous. Don't let this one get away sweety. Marry him & keep reminding yourself of his positive traits. You are lucky!
Justagirl, I think it's important to remember that up until the last 40 or so years young couples who had been together for five years usually had a family. Picture, if you will, having a home and a couple of children. What would you be doing?
I get the impression you are bored, for lack of a better word. While your boyfriend needs to lose weight I think that will happen once you are married and have a family. You will both be active raising children and looking after a home and as Washis notes he does possess the qualities of a good husband and father.
As for sex I'm sure you can spice things up. Just subtle things like making the first move. Maybe wear the occasional negligée.
Most important you wrote,
I love him. I LIGHT up when I hear his voice on the phone.
While the selection of mates looks good on here at first glance take note of when people joined. It's easy to kick someone to the curb but not so easy to replace them. Don't make the mistake of thinking a buddy or pal or "friend" is superior to what you have. Relationships based on that don't last. Once people change, which we all do, those who entered a relationship based on "friendship" leave and move on to the next "friend".
I suggest you carefully consider what you want. There are plenty of "good time" folks around. If you're considering a more traditional lifestyle, a home and children, I'd say you have a great base upon which to build. | |
|
| |
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 8:03:38 PM |
of course it's an issue!!! the man is only 25 years old and weighs 300 lbs!!! 300 is just TOO much weight for anyone, no matter how tall you are.
Are you kidding me? The average offensive lineman in the NFL weighs over 300 pounds. | |
|
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 8:34:59 PM | One question OP: What EFFORT is he putting into this for him to deserve a yes to his "will you marry me?"...
He needs to shape up or ship out.
You also need to put your foot and tell him that if you want to be happily married and not join us here in the fishing pool ten years later with three kids. | |
|
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 8:42:08 PM | Here's the most telling thing about your post: when going over your guy's good points, you did so with about a third as many words as you used to describe his bad points.
Think there's a problem? | |
|
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 8:43:20 PM | It is good that you already have a good knowledge of what you love about your relationship, and what areas aren't the greatest.
I do not necessarily see anything from your post that will prevent you from being ultimately happy with this man. The big question is, do your values align? If they do, all else, in my opinion, can be worked out. It may take an actual time or three between the two of you to work out what needs to change before the marriage takes place. How you will deal with finances should be on the list, as well as his inability to cope with his food addiction and untruthfulness concerning that. Talking about making some changes in the intimate life also sounds like it is in order.
Is your man willing to go to a counselor? There's absolutely nothing wrong with doing so, together, just for a 3rd party opinion when you are having difficulty agreeing on things. The kicker is the counselor needs to be someone with which you are both comfortable after spending a little time with.
If you are a person of faith, you may want to talk with God about all this. There is clearly a reason you are hesitant to actually set a date. I understand - this has happened to me before. You may be picking up on that he's not the right person for you, even though he is a wonderful person. If prayer is not the route you prefer, my next thought would be to go with your gut feeling, because it is often times right. Do *you* truly feel these problems can be worked out?
From the information in your post, I really think you two care about each other and can work through this. Especially without knowing you both, though, it's tough to see the complete picture.
Good luck! | |
|
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 8:43:27 PM | While none of the negatives are 'deal breakers' necessarily...none of the positives are a good reason to get married. You definitely have to make your own decisions. I personally think late 20s and early 30s are a better time to consider marriage. But, there are no guarantees. One thing though..if you look at him and seriously cannot even imagine spending your life without him...well, that's a good 'start'. If you don't have that, there really isn't anything else. If you do have that, there are alot of other things to consider. Are you both free of baggage and secure as individuals? Are neither of you entering this with some ulterior motives (no matter how benign they may seem)? Do neither of you need the other to complete you or feel the need to complete the other? Is your communication excellent, even when, no especially when, you're going through hard times ? Do you have similar values and views on life? Is time easy with each other? Do you talk about everything freely and comfortably...laugh heartily and plentifully? Personally I'd say, you can always 'get married'..but you can't undo it. Wait until there is absolutely no doubt.
I will share with you my experience (and my stupidity , lol =) .The quick version. I had an issue with my boyfriend, who became my fiance and tried to discuss it multiple times. Honestly, he deceived me..but not viciously..it was all he knew/was capable of if that makes any sense. Anyway, this was apparently weighing on me very heavily. I have a picture of a sunrise I took in Taos..the morning of our wedding. It was gorgeous. And I was balling my eyes out. We did eventually divorce (once I let myself consider that) after a very rough 8 years...not all bad, but very,very hard on me. So, if you aren't absolutely sure, and if you are in anyway doing it for the wrong reasons..like you think you are supposed to..just wait. If it's meant to be , he will understand and together you will make your relationship stronger. Good luck. | |
|
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 9:10:09 PM | Are you kidding me? The average offensive lineman in the NFL weighs over 300 pounds.
i didn't know that, obviously not a football fan. but are they healthy weighing so much?? i mean maybe if you are 6'4 or 6'5 it's not so bad but most men aren't that tall. | |
|
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/7/2009 9:31:39 PM | | The negatives outweighs the positive qualities your BF has. There is no need to slam into marriage until most of his negative qualities, if not all of them, has been addressed. You're still young, so there is no need to rush into things. | |
|
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/8/2009 3:52:40 AM | Thank you everyone, to the gentle ones and the "honesty hurts" ones. These are all helpful to read.
It actually feels strange reading these. I am deeply concerned about these issues, so much so I wrote about them in a public forum, but when I read responses I can feel myself tense up and start getting defensive for him. But I know these are things I shouldn't defend. I think my physical reaction made me understand the line one of the posters wrote: your subconscious is trying to talk to you but your heart is shutting the door.
I think I am at a point where I adore him, but I want these issues resolved, but I don't know how. With the weight thing (which isn't so much about weight and appearance since he was big when we started dating) I have kind of given up on that because it can get so tense when I bring up health and longevity...probably because a part of him is embarrassed and I hate embarrassing him. Therefore, I haven't even touched the sex issue with a 10 ft. pole.
So yes, I understand my passivity, and fear of hurting someone I love, probably adds to the other issues listed as well.
Thanks again for taking time to answer this, everyone. | |
|
| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/8/2009 4:04:13 AM | My grandfather had a saying which I think you should take to heart:
Marry in haste and you will repent at leisure.
You know in your gut this is the wrong move for you.... believe me.. if you don't follow that gut feeling you will (WILL) regret it.
I understand you don't want to hurt him. BUT, you must understand that this is a train-wreck coming down the track. If you marry you will be unhappy, and the hurt that will be caused by breaking up a marriage is much much greater.
If you cannot break it off... (I understand the feelings you have)...then delay. Put off the wedding date. Take a long long time before setting a date. Be sure: heart, head, and gut. | |
|
Home
login 
