| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/8/2009 4:22:25 AM | While the positives sound really good, the negatives outweigh them, I'm sorry to say. Because those negatives are pretty serious ones. And I can promise you...those types of negatives will only get worse and worse after you are married.
the only "negative" I would NOT have a problem with would be with him wanting to spend time with his family. The drinking, money issues and food addiction (and if he lies about eating, that's what he's dealing with) would be enough to have me calling off the wedding. At least postponing it, to give him time to deal with his issues and become more responsible. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/8/2009 4:24:37 AM | | WAIT WAIT WAIT! What's the hurry? You are so young. I'm just saying if you love this man, stand by his side. Be with him. But don't marry him yet! It sounds to me like he needs some time to mature. Most likely, the weight problem will only get worse as time goes on. I won't even go into the money issues, but that is HUGE. If you were sure, you never would have posted on this site. Listen to your inner voice, please! | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/8/2009 5:37:50 AM | I hate to say this but a man this age can`t make a great partner if he`s unable to satisfy your sexual desires. His eating habit will only get worse. A man this age should be fit and trim as you are.
I would also suggest you start dating other men, since this is your first and only lover...You need to experience life.. Don`t settle, you seem unsure about this man... | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/9/2009 8:13:11 AM | | It is pretty obvious you are having second thoughts about getting married to him. At the very least you are having second thoughts about getting married soon. I think the answer is pretty obvious. Call him and tell him you want to put the wedding on hold. The sooner you do it the better | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/9/2009 8:23:06 AM |
I think I am at a point where I adore him, but I want these issues resolved, but I don't know how. Pre-marital counseling was invented to help people learn about marriage, about each other, about themselves, and about how to identify and resolve problems. It was invented because good intentions and emotions aren't enough, so in keeping with the basic idea that knowing how works better, the counseling is for learning how. In a perfect world you could get good advice from friends and family, which amounts to the same thing as counseling, which is in itself not perfect, but surely beats going it alone. Find yourself a pre-marital counselor and try that. It doesn't much matter which counselor you choose because the process is pretty much the same, but if you get one that sucks, try another one.
You will examine your ideas of marriage, love, family. You will envision the future. You will voice concerns and doubts. You will affirm your desire to be married. It's perfect for your situation. The most important benefit is that it sets the precedent for looking outside the relationship for guidance and information. Most marriages that fail do so because the people involved limit their thinking to what they already know and of that, what feels best to think about, creating a very small and doomed set of ideas that can only play out the ending they fear most. Open the door wide to wisdom and guidance to begin with and plan on making use of that throughout the marriage.
He loves you, you love him, and then there are conflicts and problems. Solve the problems and you're home free. Get the counseling. May the farce be with you. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/9/2009 9:01:10 AM | Coming from someone who made the decision to get married young, i would say dont do it.
I also had some of the same feelings you did regarding my feelings of not really knowing if it was what I wanted or not, i did it anyway...and now i am 24 and going through a divorce.
I did learn a lot from this experience, but trust me its a hard way to learn a lesson and if there is one doubt in your mind...just one...about being with this man forever, take a few steps back and be patient. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/9/2009 2:21:17 PM |
I have kind of given up on that because it can get so tense when I bring up health and longevity...probably because a part of him is embarrassed and I hate embarrassing him. Therefore, I haven't even touched the sex issue with a 10 ft. pole.
So yes, I understand my passivity, and fear of hurting someone I love, probably adds to the other issues listed as well.
The reality of marriage IS being able to discuss those things that make us uncomfortable... His weight IS an issue, because he is NOT just a big boy, BUT extremely big and you know for sure it is NOT healthy...
Sex has gone out the window, because he is more than a big guy, and has given up on it himself so for those worried about babies, yeah, gotta be having sex to create babies... At 23 I am not so sure they would call in for the turkey baster method just yet...
Further more, having kids does NOT mean he will lose weight and suddenly become healthy...
That the two of you will suddenly have loads to talk about, and you will feel more connected then ever...
I know about having a partner that likes playing computer games when he gets home... He wants to UNWIND, then of course there are the shows he missed so he wants to watch those and before I know it, he's asleep... I understand, he's working hard, and just doesn't have time to engage in chat with me.
I accept that, and created my own world of entertainment... However it is a trade off, and one that I have to be aware of, because people can drift further and further if there is nothing in common, and or to much outside stress to engage in talking with each other...
You have listed them as a problem, things that can't just be YOUR problem, after all the two of you are supposed to be a couple... That is why I can stay and love my spouse, because when we get to busy with out own things, either I or he says something about it...
Defending one you love comes natural, being aware why and if it is realistic IS healthy...
Keeping thinking, keep putting off the wedding date until you have ironed out all the doubts, they never go away if you don't... AND AS farceur has said, get that PRE marriage counseling, because it will engage both of you into what BOTH of you see as marriage, and not the hit and miss so many people go through... | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/9/2009 9:21:21 PM | | hey there sweetie. i am a 54 year old woman, and i have had some ....or alot of experience in relationships. i know now that you have to treat others like you would yourself. what i hear about this 'engagement' is someone who has been married for 50 years. is that where you see youself?....not setting a date isn't because you have cold feet, it's because you have some issues that need to be dealt with. you sound like a very smart woman, and you are going places. i also think that you know in your gut what your decision is, you just don't want to hurt some feelings....am i right?....go with your instinct honey, that's the only way.....better now than later. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/9/2009 10:50:05 PM | Maybe he will change? You can base your hopes and future marriage on this concept. However, if he doesn't change, know that you will be tied to a man so obese that sex is a chore. A man who basks in the security of his Momma more than you. A man who won't manage money wisely. A tv couch potato. Would you willingly choose this for your future?
You are young with a life ahead of you. Make wise choices. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/25/2009 3:11:16 PM | Thank you, everyone, for your constructive comments. For now, I think I will just wait and take a breath.
I realize I have time to do that, though a decision will need to be made sometime. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/25/2009 3:16:35 PM | | You need to sit and talk it out. For 23-25 yo couple you should be a lot more sexually active, at least more than once a week. Unless he is getting it elsewhere. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/25/2009 4:16:54 PM | You will be wise to wait until (and if) the time ever comes where he puts YOU before the food, the booze, the friends and the parents. If that time ever does come, then reconsider marrying him - and be sure that he's sure as well.
Maybe he doesn't put you first because he doesn't really want to get married, either. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/25/2009 5:57:34 PM | LOL. I didn't hear any of your positives or negatives.
You like drama. Your engaged but on this dating site?
Help me understand this one. Woops I already answered it. You like drama. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/25/2009 6:16:01 PM | i like the pittsburgvixen response.
think about it.......no need to rush. if the decision must be made soon, you can always make a no decision. you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, no matter how long you have known him or how long you have been engaged. tell him how you feel, in your mind, give him some time to make the changes, then you will know if you should walk or not.
kaylee | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/25/2009 6:23:00 PM |
I think I am at a point where I adore him, but I want these issues resolved, but I don't know how. With the weight thing (which isn't so much about weight and appearance since he was big when we started dating) I have kind of given up on that because it can get so tense when I bring up health and longevity...probably because a part of him is embarrassed and I hate embarrassing him. Therefore, I haven't even touched the sex issue with a 10 ft. pole.
If you cannot communicate, then you are not ready for marriage. Irresponsible with money, excessive drinking, obesity, poor sex life; these are MAJOR issues that HAVE to be discussed and resolved before you even think about marching down the aisle. His problems will gradually erode your adoration for him. It’s easier to face initial embarrassment with a communicative and reassuring partner, than it is to live with resentment, bitterness, and divorce. I wish you the best.  | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/25/2009 7:39:12 PM | I think the whole issue was boiled down to your last fact statement... "When we are together, we seem to not have much to talk about." You went on to say you spend time apart when you should be together. All the other "positives" you speak of I could find in a lot of other men. I don't see why you love this guy and why you guys are perfect together? Not enjoying each others company is a big reason not to get married.
WORST CASE...you know things aren't 100%....so don't rush to the alter. Give it some time and see where it goes. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/25/2009 7:50:25 PM | Hi myfunisanartform!
I hope I am clear in my profile statement that I am only here for the forums, not single and not here for the dating. I don't want to mislead anyone so if anything looks awkward, let me know (I wouldn't have filled out the "Looking for" and "Interested in" sections, but Plentyoffish didn't really give me a choice, unfortunately).
Good luck in your search though! You chose a good screen name. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/27/2009 8:03:07 PM |
Seriously, he talks to me and about me to others like I am on a pedestal.
IMO, that's not good.
-He drinks with his friends about 3X/wk.
-Though he is intelligent, he is bad with money. He has had three serious altercations with money that I will not go into.
-His desire to hang out with his parents can get annoying. His parents like me, which is great, but when he comes to visit me for a weekend, we can sometimes spend up to 10 hrs. at his parents’ home (I live close to his parents).
-I do not mind hefty boys at all. When we started dating, he was a chubby guy. However, his food addiction (not officially diagnosed, but he does spend his money on food, eats it and lies about it) has put him at near 300 lbs. This has made sex uncomfortable as I am one of those wispy pixie girls (think Olsen Twin type of build and stature). We don’t have intercourse that often, however, for people in our 20s. He also pretty much refuses to get healthier.
-When we are together, we seem to not have much to talk about and he will usually watch TV and I will just read/be on the computer. But I can also see that as us being out of “the honeymoon phase” so I don’t know if that is a negative or just how life goes.
-For some reason, I can’t make myself set a date. But I don’t know if that may just be cold feet.
For me, there are deal breakers in here. According to stats the #1 reason for divorce is money. He already has money issues. If he has bad credit that will be a big issue. If sex is uncomfortable because of his weight and he has no desire to lose weight all that won't change because you guys say, "I do". I don't think I could handle that forever. Maybe you should sit down and talk with him about his issue and that you're concerned for him (if you're truely concerned for him as opposed to your sex life). Maybe you two can work out together and change your eating habits together; be each other accountablity partners. IRT what you guys do together, you reading while he's watching TV or on the computer doesn't constitute doing stuff together. That's being by yourself in the same room. If it were me this union wouldn't happen. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/27/2009 8:36:58 PM | | Based on what you've told us, you're reservation about getting married is quite justified. You're still very young, so there's really not hurry to get married. I would think at some point you need to talk to him about your concerns and see how he responds and utimately deals with them. If you don't see good reason to believe things will get better, getting married probably would be a bad idea. If those things bother you now enough to ask for advise, in time they could become resentment. Best of wishes and feel free to email if you want to talk more. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/27/2009 9:41:28 PM |
Seriously, he talks to me and about me to others like I am on a pedestal.
IMO, that's not good.
Ya, because having a guy who loves his fiance and thinks very highly of her is completely a bad thing. Nobody can ever win, can they. No matter what they do, it's always a "red flag" or "they are crazy, RUN!". | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/28/2009 12:00:20 AM | | The eating food & then to lie about it was one of the reasons I broke up with my husband. If they lie over the stupid things like food, how can you trust them? I hate liars though, BIG TIME. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/28/2009 12:12:35 AM | OK, all of these flaws are certainly fixable, but not in the immediate future. If he pushes you to set a date, tell him that he needs to do some things before you will consider it.
1) get in shape physically. You do not want him dying on you or teaching your children unhealthy habits. Also, the sex is uncomfortable due to his weight, and that is making you unhappy.
2) his credit needs to be in order before you marry him. You will not jeapordize your credit because he cannot handle money. Suggest he get an acc0untant to handle his money, or that he learn to do so himself, but one way or another, the money troubles need to end.
3) he needs to become sober, and that means no more boozing three nights a week with the guys. You are not willing to marry an alcoholic. It's as simple as that.
These are not unreasonable things to ask. If he loves you, he will deal with his issues. If not, then tell him it's over.
Good luck, from a woman who has been there and done that.
Beth | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/28/2009 2:15:10 AM | In order to be in a relationship, one must care about himself. Someone can have 20 good qualities and literally one bad one but if it is a particular thing, most people would advise that you walk away.
He drinks at a time in his life when many are still doing that but it sounds like you have outgrown the behavior and a man seriously considering marriage? I married a man close with his family and the situation you describe can be good or bad long-term but it sounds like perhaps he may be one of those people that never really "gets" the starting a new family thing. When you marry, the family you create takes precedence over the one you came from and it is difficult to discern whether he will be like my ex and never really seem to break properly from his family of origin or if the closeness with his parents is normal and a positive thing.
The weight thing, is excuse the pun, huge. I don't give a rat's behind how tall this guy is, 300 pounds is dangerous and at 25 with his attitude it is only going to get worse. Say you have a kid or two with him, you want to raise those kids by yourself because he dies? Do you want a father for your children who literally cannot run after small children, who cannot play sports or even rough house with his children? Do you want to financially carry the load for the next 50-60 years of your life? How would you feel if you had children and he frittered away bill money or put you in a position that you had to make a choice between medical care for your child(ren) or keeping food on the table?
And here's the thing, sex is an important part of a relationship and at 23 you are contemplating marrying someone who at the beginning is behaving like a man you have been with for 20 years. Even having been together a while, at 23 and 25 you should be doing the bunny rabbit thing. Sex is part of the glue that keeps a good relationship together because of the emotional intimacy in addition to physical needs.
Sweetheart, listen to your gut, as an early response noted, you are not willing to set a date because even though you love this man you are smart enough to recognize that there are problems that aren't going away by themselves. Everything that is bothering you indicates a man who is not self-disciplined and not in a proper frame of mind to be contemplating marriage himself. Personally, I wouldn't even remain a couple if he did not seek counseling to deal with his issues and couples counseling beyond that.
Marriage is not easy even when two people are truly right for each other. He is/was your first love and if he is the right guy, your relationship will survive a break-up but it sounds like you might benefit from spending some time apart and on your end possibly dating other people to find out if you really love and are in love with this guy in a way that will weather the stresses of living with someone, work, life and children or if you are just holding onto things because they are comfortable. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/28/2009 2:52:26 AM | Never-mind 'his' issues.
This is about you. You're to young and inexperienced to get married.
Take some time (a few years) to be who you're suppose to be - GROW! | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/28/2009 4:26:29 AM | | It sounds like your both educated and financially secure to take care of yourselves independly. It sounds like your both young and havent yet started living independetly, learning who you each are and what you want in life. Give yourself and him time to decide to sew your own oats, then in time your both will be ready for each other or maybe for someone else more suited for you. He has health issues and still reliant on his parents for moral support though excessive. I dont know yours since you mostly revealed his negatives but work on yourself a bit, away from work in your personal life and in a year or two see how you feel then. | |
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