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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/28/2009 2:15:10 AM | In order to be in a relationship, one must care about himself. Someone can have 20 good qualities and literally one bad one but if it is a particular thing, most people would advise that you walk away.
He drinks at a time in his life when many are still doing that but it sounds like you have outgrown the behavior and a man seriously considering marriage? I married a man close with his family and the situation you describe can be good or bad long-term but it sounds like perhaps he may be one of those people that never really "gets" the starting a new family thing. When you marry, the family you create takes precedence over the one you came from and it is difficult to discern whether he will be like my ex and never really seem to break properly from his family of origin or if the closeness with his parents is normal and a positive thing.
The weight thing, is excuse the pun, huge. I don't give a rat's behind how tall this guy is, 300 pounds is dangerous and at 25 with his attitude it is only going to get worse. Say you have a kid or two with him, you want to raise those kids by yourself because he dies? Do you want a father for your children who literally cannot run after small children, who cannot play sports or even rough house with his children? Do you want to financially carry the load for the next 50-60 years of your life? How would you feel if you had children and he frittered away bill money or put you in a position that you had to make a choice between medical care for your child(ren) or keeping food on the table?
And here's the thing, sex is an important part of a relationship and at 23 you are contemplating marrying someone who at the beginning is behaving like a man you have been with for 20 years. Even having been together a while, at 23 and 25 you should be doing the bunny rabbit thing. Sex is part of the glue that keeps a good relationship together because of the emotional intimacy in addition to physical needs.
Sweetheart, listen to your gut, as an early response noted, you are not willing to set a date because even though you love this man you are smart enough to recognize that there are problems that aren't going away by themselves. Everything that is bothering you indicates a man who is not self-disciplined and not in a proper frame of mind to be contemplating marriage himself. Personally, I wouldn't even remain a couple if he did not seek counseling to deal with his issues and couples counseling beyond that.
Marriage is not easy even when two people are truly right for each other. He is/was your first love and if he is the right guy, your relationship will survive a break-up but it sounds like you might benefit from spending some time apart and on your end possibly dating other people to find out if you really love and are in love with this guy in a way that will weather the stresses of living with someone, work, life and children or if you are just holding onto things because they are comfortable. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/28/2009 2:52:26 AM | Never-mind 'his' issues.
This is about you. You're to young and inexperienced to get married.
Take some time (a few years) to be who you're suppose to be - GROW! | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/28/2009 4:26:29 AM | | It sounds like your both educated and financially secure to take care of yourselves independly. It sounds like your both young and havent yet started living independetly, learning who you each are and what you want in life. Give yourself and him time to decide to sew your own oats, then in time your both will be ready for each other or maybe for someone else more suited for you. He has health issues and still reliant on his parents for moral support though excessive. I dont know yours since you mostly revealed his negatives but work on yourself a bit, away from work in your personal life and in a year or two see how you feel then. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/28/2009 4:41:17 AM | Dear op,
you are too young, to go into marriage with these issues I believe this a divorce waiting to happen. If you really, really, want to try to make it, the marraige counseling route, sounds the way to go. But to me it sounds like you already know he is resistent to change. These are not issues to go into a marraige with. ( Maybe things people learn to cope with during the marraige over time) But imagine your self doing cooking cleaning him with friends, the weight and sex with become the iceberg, and the money most certainly will make the ship sink.
I think your heart is trying to tell you to steer clear... Saves yourself some heartache. | |
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| Young engaged woman needs advice...
Posted: 10/28/2009 1:19:49 PM | Ya, because having a guy who loves his fiance and thinks very highly of her is completely a bad thing. Nobody can ever win, can they. No matter what they do, it's always a "red flag" or "they are crazy, RUN!".
Putting someone on a pedestal and thinking highly of someone are two totally different things. When you someone puts someone else on a pedestal they think that person is perfect and can do no wrong. They're viewing that person through rose colored glasses. God forbid that person on the pedestal do something that shows that they're human after all. If she wants that in a guy great. IMO, it's not good. One person can think highly of another person without putting that person on a pedestal. | |
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