| | How Easily Can You Detect Red FlagsPage 7 of 11 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11) |
he got busted by his significant other he obviously forgot to tell me about
That would have been my first thought. Now if he "IMs" you later and tells you why he left without a "BRB", maybe I would continue talking to this person with a clear understanding if it happens again I'm gone for good. As I've gotten older noticing red flags has become easier. For me some red flags are about "them" and others are about whether or not we are a good match and not about any personality flaws I think they may have.
Also I am less tolerant or behavior I find questionable. | |
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| How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 10/8/2011 10:03:29 AM | Red flag #1/ ,every thing is to intense to soon,ie I love you text being sent after a month
#2/ Seems to mirror all the likes of the person they talk to at first
3/ On again off again moods that involve what they like ,ie On monday they love hockey and by wednesday they hate it
Ohh wait this isnt a BPD thread ,ohh well
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| How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 10/8/2011 10:36:25 AM | Another question we have to keep in mind is whether or not you look at a green flag and see red or vice versa.
That probably matters alot in your dating also.
Are you dating color blind? | |
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| How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 10/8/2011 4:03:17 PM |
Women who have only ever had either long term or casual relationships rather than a mixture
Women who have had less than 10 sexual partners in their lifetime
Women who think women are the only sex with feelings or emotional needs as though men dont have any Can you expand on these three? I find them interesting and curious what your detailed views on them are. Thanks in advance.
Yeah np, but I thought they'd be quite self explanatory but sure
I will say in advance though I'm in no way claiming what puts me off about them applies to "every" woman though, simply the fact that life is too short to try and date "every" woman to find out. So everyones selection criteria is based on probability and possibility rather than something being 100% applicable if that makes sense?
But here goes
Women who have only ever had either long term or casual relationships rather than a mixture
This is an outlook thing, and is because if all someone has EVER been able to sustain is short relationships the chance its all theyre capable of maintaining is going to be higher
If on the otherhand they have only had quite long term relationships unless theyre too old for me that would tend to indicate a low partner count, maybe too traditional for my taste and "possibly" a bit conservative although stuck having to choose between one of the other and it would be the later everytime
But I think the balance of the two would suggest (possibly) a more flexible and varied outlook as by a mixture I mean a mixture of different types of relationship rather than just serious LTR prospects of varying legnths
Women who have had less than 10 sexual partners in their lifetime
this is just based on personal experience tbh, all of my memorable partners in a sexual sense have been ones who have chalked up a fair few partners in their life, with the best overall serious relationships being with women who have had some serious and quite long lasting relationships but with "fun" periods in between where the bulk of their count was notched up
For me they tend to have a pretty grounded and balanced outlook and very few hang ups and arent heavily influenced by social expectations or stereotypes
And that combination and mixture has been a common theme with all my serious long term partners
Women who think women are the only sex with feelings or emotional needs as though men dont have any
Again mostly based on personal experience but of the types I DONT get on with at all
There are women who seem to quite literally think that a "man" has no real emotions or feelings, or if they do shouldnt share or expose them unless its the aggressive type of emotions
That just isnt me, not meaning I break down and cry if my favourite breakfast serial is sold out or that kind of thing, but I'd class myself as pretty self aware of what I like, dislike, how I feel and with a partner I would not just want, but would expect not only to feel I could share that, but that my feelings about something would be viewed by them as equally as they viewed their own rather than the type of woman who seems to feel because they are a woman a mans job is to focus purely on what they feel and accomodate it if that makes sense
So not in the slightest bit claiming those are universally applicable, just that they are MY red flags based on the types of people I know I tend to get on with and the types I know I find tedious or cant get on with in relationships by virtue of certain traits or outlooks they tend to have in common | |
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| How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 10/8/2011 8:19:14 PM | Red Flag:
A man who refers to his exwife only by "my ex" never by her name. It shows he still is not over her/their relationship. It is even more of a red flag when you have met her and she knows you are dating and is okay with it. | |
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| How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 10/8/2011 8:48:52 PM | I don't think it's a red flag. I've done it several times. Sometimes I get sick of him, or I meet someone better so I stop talking to the guy completely. You can click with someone right away, but once you keep talking to them you can find that you really don't like them as much as you first did. That's been my problem. Rather than hurting their feelings, I disappear. I was talking to a really nice guy this summer, we 'clicked' as you said but after a while I noticed that he wouldn't stop talking about his ex-girlfriend of five years. It just got on my nerves after a while. If we got in a relationship, how often was I going to hear about her?
I find red flags to be when it takes forever to meet offline.
If I can never go to his place after we've dated a lot.
If he won't let me have his number
If he has a cat
If he is a virgin (I'm 29, and only date guys my age or older)
If he talks about his ex too much
If he still talks to his ex when they don't have a kid
If he doesn't have a job
If he smokes pot
If his place is messy
If he still plays video games | |
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| How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 10/8/2011 11:50:07 PM | ***OP
Out of all the possible reasons, the dozens, nay, HUNDREDS of possible reasons that could have explained that behavior... you came up with TWO. One ridiculous and the other the worst cast scenario. I would suggest that... you can't find a "quality man" on this site because... your "red flags" are infact... "paranoia" but I digress.
I'm SUPER good at finding actual red flags. ^_^ You can find them in the profiles before you even MESSAGE someone. Just look carefully. There are too many to list really. Especially for mens profiles. If the profile seems too... hmmm... appropriate and "nice" he's probably a liar. Bad grammar or spelling also a no no. Etc. Stuff like that. | |
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| How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 10/20/2011 8:16:26 PM | That's too funny. I could stand to lose a few pounds, but I don't put that in my profile because men seem to think that means I'm huge.
Nonetheless....I've NEVER met a man obsessed with a few pounds that does not have "manly" issues (I'm talking about the Jr. below the belt - specifically its size).....but that's just MY EXPERIENCE! | |
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| How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 10/20/2011 9:15:57 PM | I don't understand why you call this experience having a "red flag". Dating is about getting to know someone and seeing if it can turn into a long-term romantic relationship. Many times, one or both people will see someone a few times and then conclude that he/she is not comfortable continuing. You don't necessarily have to label one or the other person as having a problem, in my view. Sometimes two people are just different and don't want the same things or have enough in common to be romantic partners.
This is part of dating and is a normal thing to encounter. It seems to me that you are taking ti too personally, or viewing the man as negative even when this may not be the case.
Judith | |
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| How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 10/23/2011 10:41:35 AM | Nasty attitude when talking about his ex. Blames her for everything. Next time it will be me he is badmouthing.
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This is one of the biggest ones...men that do this tend to be quite nasty, it always comes out. Also not wanting you to ask them anything...I stopped dating this man because he had a short temper and got pissed whenever I would ask him a question...
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| How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 10/23/2011 11:11:40 AM |
Women who have only ever had either long term or casual relationships rather than a mixture
Women who have had less than 10 sexual partners in their lifetime
I think your red flags are well, if I were you I wouldn't advertise them too much... LOL
I've met many women who have had less than 10 partners... who have been in both long and short relationships...
Lets face it, 3 long term relationships of 10 years each, and 6 short term, could still be under 10 | |
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| How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 10/23/2011 7:18:54 PM | When I first got on this site, a very nice man and I started talking.
His profile read very well and he said all the right things.
He even gave me a phone number to send more pictures of myself in a dress, slacks, jeans and t-shirt.
Then after two weeks of talking and planning to meet, he disappeared.
After texting the number for a couple of days asking him what happened, I found out that the number was his cousins.
The man had been talking to me and another woman.
The cousin told me that the man was debating between me and the other woman.
The cousin told me that the man finally decided on the other woman and deleted his profile.
I was crushed. I mean, he lead me on! Now I have a hard time believing the men, instead I think what they say is just a pick up line!
This dating crap is too hard.
I just want to find a good man who will love me and respect me.
I will do the same for him.
Why is that so hard to find?
I know there are men on here who want a real and meaningful relationship.
All I have found are men who want to meet and have sex!
I want so much more. I have so much more to offer! | |
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| How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 10/24/2011 8:20:51 AM | Yes, and that is a def RED FLAG like no other. Its not worth it for the following reasons: im about to put myself on blast lol but whatever.
My now ex bf was recently seperated, but already well involved in the dating sscene when we met. We were together every night seven nights a week when i learned of him cheating on me. Not to worry i got him back good, real good :) but my point is i forgave him. NEVER AGAIN but i forgave because of how hot and sexy he is. He promised me that he would respect me enough to break up with me if he happen to meet someone else. And he did alright. I would get a text out of the blue saying were not going to work out. Two days later he would be at my door again. I love you lets try again and blame his behavior on his recent seperation from his wife and kids. I believed him. After the seventh time breaking up with me i decide ive had enough so i made it official. He begged he cried but i was done. Cept him and i were taking scuba lessons together. This sucked. So we all show up to scuba dive when i started running a fever and would have to sit the rest of course out. My ex is nice enough to swim me back to shore because i was that weak. He goes back out leaving me with all his personal stuff, cell phone :) keys to his car :) cloths :)
well i couldnt resist. I must check his cell phone to see whats really going on here. Sure enough i found texting back and fourth between him and SEVEN other woman. He broke up with me seven times. this explains everything that assh*le lol . my heart was litterally joking on hurt. I had to get out of there before i do something im gonna regret. But, not without his phone, his keys and f#@k it his cloths too. Like i said i got him good :) | |
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| How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 10/24/2011 8:29:30 AM | Wow. I never fail to be amazed at the variety of tastes and personality in human beings. One person's "red flag" can be another person's "Oh My God YES!" For example, for me having been mostly or exclusively in long-term relationships denotes loyalty, stability, seriousness, a desire for intimacy. For me, fewer sex partners indicates higher selectivity and seriousness and a desire for in-depth intimacy. In my experience/observation, people who love intensely and deeply cannot jump casually from relationship to relationship.
This too is my take. I was single in every way for 7 years and was not looking for a bed hopper or casual dating because in all honesty that's just not who I am. The man I am with now likes that aspect of me and does not see any disadvantages to me having so few partners. Actually...people in committed relationships tend to have more experience in bed than people who are just casually dating...and depending on your partner, variety between the sheets can be just as good because you have that comfort zone with them. In regards to the relationship outside of the bed there tends to be more loyalty and focus on the partner and more of a mature approach in how we handle red flags and day to day life with our partners. JMO.
I think I am farely good at picking out the red flags, my issues were always acting on them for fear that either it's not really a red flag but me just being paranoid, picky or carrying baggage from past relationships or that the green flags outway the red ones.
Great Topic :-) | |
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| How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 10/24/2011 9:10:20 AM | | Red Flag: A very easily observed behaviour or characteristic that is supposed to be linked to some character flaw using very flimsy and questionable logic under the misguided idea that there's shortcut to understanding people and avoid meeting undesirable partners, but that generally leads to overlooking good choices and making bad choices. Burger king mentality for dating. | |
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| How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 10/31/2011 12:18:34 AM | 2) he got busted by his significant other he obviously forgot to tell me about.
sorry but that right there knowing he already has a significant other is a red flag in itself... if hes cheating now with them, then what makes you think that if you two get together he wont cheat on you...sorry but ive been there...done that....it fck'n sux!  | |
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| How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/1/2011 8:20:06 AM | I had a red flag moment er day this weekend. Agreed to meet this guy for a walk at a park. The day was supposed to sunny and mild. Sounded great! I had to drive my kids dad to the airport early afternoon. The guy called me after I said I was getting ready to go to lunch and the airport and put me behind schedule. I noticed that he kept interrupting me. I passed it off to nerves. It turned out to be a dreadfully rainy day so I said we should cancel and talked to him on the phone for the second time that day. This is where it got interesting.. I never once finished a sentence/thought. He told me how all the particulars of my pending divorce and my financial affairs (which he knows zip about either) should be managed. He started ranting about Gays (in particular gay men since its ok for women evidently) and how they were mentally ill. I hung up after this thinking WOW!
He contacted me online and after a few posts I had a neighbor come to the door and said brb. I had messages asking what did my neighbor want a cup of sugar? How if I had not been talking to the neighbor he would not be sitting there bored...
Ok.. I read that and now it is a delete and blocked profile. I said a silent prayer thanking God for the rain. lol
Iffy | |
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| How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/1/2011 9:21:59 AM |
Red Flag: A very easily observed behaviour or characteristic that is supposed to be linked to some character flaw using very flimsy and questionable logic under the misguided idea that there's shortcut to understanding people and avoid meeting undesirable partners, but that generally leads to overlooking good choices and making bad choices. Burger king mentality for dating.
To the best of my knowledge, no one's ever started a "Green Flag" discussion, when that is evidently what is most needed for the edification of pretty much everyone on this site. Yeah, I agree with Abelian. If you're happy here, twisting in the cyber wind, build those red flag lists- if you might wanna move on and out, start making a list of your green flags.  | |
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| How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/1/2011 9:50:23 AM |
Red Flag: A very easily observed behaviour or characteristic that is supposed to be linked to some character flaw using very flimsy and questionable logic under the misguided idea that there's shortcut to understanding people and avoid meeting undesirable partners, but that generally leads to overlooking good choices and making bad choices. Burger king mentality for dating.
You mean, like Abelian's red flag....very easily observed behaviour like a woman not kissing him passionately on a first date and not putting out for him on a second date....being used as flimsy and questionable logic etc, etc leading to overlooking good choices...yup, got it
I know...I know...it was through this means of selection that he finally found his fabulous fiance. Maybe if he wouldn't have been so red-flaggish about this stance, he could have found this type of relationship sooner, who knows.
His red flag would have lost me the most wonderful relationship of my life. My sweetheart wouldn't even kiss me till our THIRD date....and he's the most caring, passionate man I've ever known, and we've almost hit the one year mark in being together.
I do like the idea of a "green flag" list. I think we all have those too. They just don't get discussed as much around here.
As for the question that started this thread, I am learning, over time, to see those warning signs(red flags) easier. I grew up in a life surrounded by red flags, so that red flag behavior and treatment felt almost normal/comfortable to me. Relearning healthier ways has taken a long, long time.
Now I am able to give a pass to the 45 year old guy living in his parents' basement, jobless but claiming to not need money because he lives "on a higher plane".
Or the guy that tells me of just losing his job because he launched his manager across the room in a fit of anger but told me, while holding my hand, "I wouldn't harm you honey".
Some red flags are obvious and important to see, read and avoid. | |
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| How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/1/2011 9:53:01 AM | Red Flags are nothing but a SELF-CONTAINMENT issue. You invent things you feel that won't work for you and then exclude others from your life cause they have these red flags.
Individuals...we are all different, so to judge someone new based on the actions of a prior person means you still have healing to do with regard to that person.
I figured this out when I was 20; and I was rushing to meet this guy and one thing after another happened and I was over 30 minutes late and he left; I couldn't explain to him cause it was all so random and he wouldn't believe anything I said at that point and my friends laughed and said...you didn't believe what the guy before him said was the reason he was late either.
Red flags is making the dating experience ALL ABOUT YOU..there is another person there ...but when a guy thinks he sees a red flag with me...it is sorta a two way street; anyone that perfect I wouldn't want to have to put up with any way  | |
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toggie
| | Joined: 10/9/2011
Msg: 174 | |
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| How Easily Can You Detect Red Flags
Posted: 11/1/2011 10:08:29 AM | I read Giggles post and it occurred to me that there were varying levels of red in the color of these flags, I believe.
I wasn't talking about small things like being 30 minutes late....unless you notice that being an habitual thing that drives you crazy, but that takes time. You won't know if that one 30 minute late show, was a one-off, or part of a habit of his or yours.
Self-containment or Self-preservation....it's not necessarily "inventing" things that don't work for you and thus excluding them. It's "knowing" that certain kinds of people aren't good for you, and avoid them.
Sometimes I learned about these red flags FROM experiences gained from ex's. Doesn't mean I'm not healed....just means I'm capable of learning, thank the Lord.
One husband was a beater....any signs of physical abuse from another man...is a red flag, don't you think?
One husband got into crack cocaine and refused rehab...signs of addictions in potential dates are red flags, don't you think?
If I was to be dating any of these abusive type of men....I'm pretty sure my loved ones would ring around me and ask me "what's wrong with you...didn't you learn anything the last time??!!"
This doesn't mean I'm inventing anything....just means I'm learning to value myself. | |
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