| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 5:45:22 AM | I just read where you say he bit you so hard you'll have to get a tatoo to cover it?!?!?! Lady are you playing us? You know damn well it's wrong! Especially when you are talking about getting a tattoo to cover bite marks! You are trying to justify his behavior that you know is wrong period. Get away from this guy or we'll be reading about you in the obits. You also need to keep your hands to yourself as well!  | |
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| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 5:50:50 AM | But, I would say he did feel backed in a corner. Which is why I was wondering if there are extenuating circumstances that might justify such violent behavior. I think if he can forgive me, I would be able to forgive him.
this posting question thing sure is funny. first we ask a question...slanted to provoke a desired response, then slowly post by post we watch it change direction. in the end the original poster runs away or revels the true question...
so OP why is it that you just did not ask..... how does a person live with someone that beats them?
as a professional i hope you realize the signs and dangers of violent behavior.
so you can help others
as a women i hope you realize the dangers of living with a violent person
so you can help yourself
by your own admission both of you have abusive personalities. only one of you had the strength to run away. for the sake of your physical health, and his mental health.... i hope he has the strength to stay away.
sticks and stones may break my bones....those will heal with time. but names will scar for life! | |
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| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 6:30:22 AM | Well if you are the first to put hands on NO!
If you are defending yourself against someone hurting you or trying to hurt you it's a YES!
As long as you don't throw the first punch and you only hit back to keep yourself from getting hurt it is fine.
Now if you are throwing punches back to hurt the other person s they are doing to you NO!
It's not called violence if you are defending yourself against someone abusive. | |
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| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 6:43:16 AM | | You know after reading your posts Mtgirl78, Im beginning to think either you are really stupid or your thread was a joke, because unless you've been living with a bunch of hillbillies with no access to media,tv, radio , running water, grocery stores, Duncan Donuts etc, there is no way in hell you wouldn't know what abuse is? abuse vs self defence... come on now, dont treat us like a bunch of friggen inbreds please. | |
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| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 6:45:37 AM | Never Ever!
Although I engage in mind slaps a lot. A few grassy knoll moments of the mind.
I think pushing and yelling are a control issue as much as hitting and a starting point.
It does escalate in almost every case, so if you were pushed. RUN.
If you are excusing and tolerating this you have lost it, or as said above"this thread must be a joke". | |
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| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:19:31 AM | I have never pushed or punched someone I was arguing with... Seems like a lot of posters think this "understandable". I don't. Those of you who do, or who have pushed your partner, need help. People need to be in control of their actions. And take responsibility for them. I had a bf who had anger management issues...never directed at me, but he liked to kick garbage cans and punch walls. I gave him some time to get therapy. He didn't. I dumped him. And, if you have serious anger issues, the anger never does go away. All therapy does is help people find ways of coping with it. These people are seriously messed up. I wouldn't bother getting involved with anyone like that. Don't know if your bf falls into that category.
There are 2 choices:
1) break up
2) both of you go to therapy to learn how to communicate (specifically, how to solve disagreements) so that you will learn not to attack him verbally and he will learn not to attack you physically
It's absolute bs that words said to you in a heated argument can justify physical violence, or that it be seen as reasonable response. Physical violence is not the only way to respond. Your bf should have walked away from you. Doesn't matter if you were being an a$$hole. He should have walked away.
But for some reason you want to feel responsible for his hitting you (biting you, whatever). I doubt that you'll do either 1) or 2).
the two of you have started up a nice co-dependent tango....one that you want to continue
enjoy | |
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| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:37:06 AM | Having now read everything in this string, including all of the OP's replies, I can only say that this is a classic portrait of an Abuser, and an Enabler. The OP's repeated excusing of the Abuser, constant willingness to take him back, while pretending to have a sense of self-respect (the mention of disliking being called a c**t).
I wont bother to add any more indignant or encouraging words, since it's clear that the OP isn't here to get guidance, at least not any she's willing to act upon. I think she's here as part of the play-acting as an enabler, as part of the putting-on of a front to pretend she objects to the abuse, for appearances sake. I've dealt with people like that before, and I felt used, as though I were an accidental, unreimbursed walk-on performer in a play they wrote for their own gratification. I don't intend to be ANOTHER one of the people they abuse. | |
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| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:40:53 AM | mtgirl78:
I am asking because I pushed someone (NOT PHYSICALLY) too far with a confusing situation in a relationship. He was so angry that he reacted in that way. Also, when he was angry the c-word comes out of his mouth like every other word. I hate that word!
You might have gotten more helpful feedback if you had said this from the beginning. So you said something to this guy that made him so angry he became physical and called you a "c-word"? He is an abusive person. Physically and emotionally. You can NEVER have the power to "make someone" react in that way. He is in complete control of how he chooses to react. What you said to him may have been what triggered him, but he was in charge of his reaction. NO. It is never ok to do what he did. It will get worse because that is what happens with guys like that. | |
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| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:42:09 AM | Q: Is it ever okay to push, slap, kick or bite someone no matter what that person did
A: Yes: Some people like that stuff: Masochism is most often associated with sexual pleasure, but there can be cases without that element being present. As long as it is consensual pushing, kicking or biting it is okay, not normal but that was not the question.
Q: And is it a sign of control or more violence to come in a relationship?
A: That would depend. | |
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| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:50:57 AM |
But, I would say he did feel backed in a corner. Which is why I was wondering if there are extenuating circumstances that might justify such violent behavior. I think if he can forgive me, I would be able to forgive him.
Are you friggin' joking? You have no self-esteem. And the violence will continue. Ugh.
I just read that he bit you so hard to are pondering a tatoo to cover the scar? You need as much help as he does.  | |
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| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:51:28 AM | | I know there are all kinds of twisted reasons why people stay in abusive situations that requires therapy in order to untwist their way of thinking. That's the understanding part of me. The other part of me still hates blatant, in your face stupidity. | |
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| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:58:13 AM | Thanks again for everyone's replies.
I appreciate constructive criticism and feedback. It sounds like some folks have some more baggage that I do or are just a wee bit jaded.
I am not stupid and I am not asking for attention. Thank you anyway - not the kind of attention I want. | |
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| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:07:16 AM | OP... If you are REALLY stating the truth... Starting this thread would take an insurmountable amount of courage and reading what has been writen by sincere posters would most likely give you the willies....
I KNOW what I am talking about.
Please note, you NEVER EVER make anyone angry... The person CHOSES to get angry rather than use other tools to deal with the issue.
No matter what you do, you can NEVER EVER make anyone happy either.
I suspect you are in a cycle. He loses his cool, slaps you around or throws things... and then... calm and quiet for a week, a month...
Then, you feel tension out of nowhere... It has been a while since he lost it so you know it is coming... It always does... but the how and the when is driving you nuts...
You then try everything in your power to MAKE him happy because you feel this fear that this time you may not SURVIVE...
The other person, your spouse, can smell fear from a mile away and he most likely enjoys to see you squirm... It gives him all kinds of tools to ensure that whatever you do gets on his nerves... Then... POW out of nowhere he blows...
This WILL stop the day you stop feeling FEAR.
Depending on how many years you have been in this cycle, the idea of living with the devil you know rather than the unknown seems strangely comforting.
The chances of even being aware of it will take a long time.
So, if you are not a troll, I suspect you are in this dysfunctional relashionship so deep that you cannot see the forest because the trees are in the way...
Sadly... NO ONE can help you unless YOU take action. I KNOW how scary that can be.
I have to stop writing now because my eyes hurt... I am fighting a migraine and now it is simply too painful to continue writing...
For your children's mental health, if you have any... Get out... Stop being afraid... It cannot be any worse... It simply cannot ...  | |
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| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:11:55 AM |
It sounds like some folks have some more baggage that I do or are just a wee bit jaded.
No...I think people (speaking for me) get frustrated/disappointed knowing there is someone like you who is living your life in such a repressed and unevolved way. Maybe 'we' just want better for you than you do for yourself! 'We' want you to wake up, realize you deserve to be treated with kindness, dignity and respect and kick this A-hole out of your life!
That's all "we" want.  | |
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dn999
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Joined: 7/25/2009
Msg: 92 | |
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| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:49:38 AM | Wow - first sleeping makes excuses for drunks behaving badly and now she's standing up for abusers. sleeping, please see a counsellor because you seem to have some serious problems. I don't think you belong in an advice forum - your 'advice' is contrary to anything you'll read from all the experts - and is dangerous to boot.
mistreating or emotionally abusing someone can be pretty intense and the individual may feel backed into a corner. if he didn't go for any sensitive areas or leave any marks
Stupid, stupid, utterly stupid. This is the myth perpetrated by enablers and by the ignorant. Try reading the advice from EVERY expert on abuse - it's exactly the opposite. In fact, some abusers learn how to inflict great pain that doesn't leave scars just so morons who think 'not leaving scars = not abuse' will think everything's OK.
Listen up, sleeping - causing pain - verbally or physically - scars or not - IS ABUSE. Period.
i would say it may be forgiveable and you two could get beyond it with some behavior modification. now if he went for the eyes or mouth etc... he needs therapy and you may not want to be around. unfortunately the military, hollywood and video games program men to be violent.
More bogus bullcrap. People are responsible for their actions. Point finale. Blaming everybody else is the game of the abuser. It's never his/her fault - always somebody else's. That's crap.
But, I would say he did feel backed in a corner.
Awwwww. Poo liddle fellow. Couldn't walk out. Couldn't remove himself. Couldn't manage his own adult self. Boooohooooo. Girl, SMARTEN UP!
BUT, the fact that it's not acceptable doesn't mean it's ok for anybody to push somebody else's buttons without restraint
The words of a pathetic loser. If you got buttons being pushed, leave. Go talk to a therapist and get your 'buttons' dealt with. Quit being such a crybaby and take responsibility. You are supposed to be an adult.
The fact that it's wrong doesn't mean it won't happen.
Um. Yeah. Murder's wrong and it happens. So?
That's something most men learn early in life. We know that beyond certain threshold, we will have to back up our words with our fists.
Maybe low-class knuckle-draggers 'learn' that lesson. Real men learn how to deal with situations in a mature way.
We're only humans. Poke (physically or otherwise) on somebody long enough or bad enough, and you will end physically hurt and moaning about how "it's not acceptable to resort to violence".
Again, the excuse of a pathetic loser who can't even manage to control himself. Pitiful.
... and be branded as a wimp and coward for the rest of your life, lose your self-respect and become the target of every bully in the world.
Wrongo, Rock-hunter. Resorting to violence doesn't make you look good. Nobody respects a moron who can't control himself. Except the poor deluded fool himself.
since there is a violent world out there, you left me totally unprepared for it.
I guess you're living the Jerry Springer life because the rest of us are among civilized people. I never see violence. I never see fights. I attend social events all the time and they are nothing but pleasant. I've never known anybody who was shot or stabbed. I've known one guy who claimed to have been in fights - he was an alcohic and an abuser. So I guess, if that's the crowd you hang with, that's the kind of world you see. But, buddy, there's a whole rest of the world out there where people behave like adult humans and not zoo animals. | |
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| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:50:46 AM | The school of thought that you can strike another human not in self defense is a tricky line to cross and be in the right.
Physical acts of violence are purely acts of violence.
They are to intimidate and control/dominate.
ANY violence in a relationship of any kind is a deal breaker for me...It shows a person with limited capacity for dealing with the issues at hand.
So this dude hit you after you verbally pushed him.....
Is it understandable... yes
but don't mistake that for acceptable.
The real question i would ask you...
Do you have the mental capacity to deal with the issue (him being violent with you) at hand?
I love cross roads...there is no right road to take some would say there is but i do not subscribe to that school of thought.
i do believe that whichever one you take will define how you let people treat you and look at you in the future.
G/L | |
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| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:30:22 AM | msg1: I think it is okay for toddler to push ,slap,kick,or bite because they can not express their self in amicable way verbally.... But a 31 years old person would ask a question if it is okay *to hurt someone *is mentally inbalance ,not even a barbarian or destitute people that their lives depends on survival of the fittes, would not ask such a question... Perhaps the OP doesn't know about Legal and Civil Court....
If we are talking about being physically attack that is different story, we have to fight back for self defense..
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| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 10:49:51 AM | Oh , mahogany ! After years of struggling , the left has Finally convinced society, Man - butt love is perfectly normal !
come on now, dont treat us like a bunch of friggen inbreds please.
You sir , Are obviously, a sisterist, or perhaps a Brotherphobe.
I can see the authors of "heather has two mommies" need to publish "Daddy has two daughters, and wives "
We need to indoctrinate the children, as soon as possible !!
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| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 11:19:34 AM | Iam asking because I pushed someone (NOT PHYSICALLY) too far with a confusing situation in a relationship. he was so angry that he reacted in that way. Also,when he was angry the c-word comes out of his mouth like every other word. I hate that word!
I am not making an excuses for him,but I didn't treat him with respect like I should have.
I guess I just wanted to know if being so angry and frustrated is ever an excuse.
I wonder if the situation was reverse, how would you react????????
I learned an early age of 10 years old, on how to treat a boy/ man from my father who was boxer. He taught me to respect a man not to push him into anger, by insults or hitting him because he makes me angry, the lesson he taught me is "shut my mouth and walk out...Men are physically strong than women,they can easily rape ,maim or kill ..
My father taught me how to hit a man that he can't retaliate if he lay his hand on me for physical or sexual assault... But if I have a chance I should run and escape.. for I may win the physical fight( I know karate and a little boxing) but I don't know if I will win the Court fight... | |
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| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 12:03:01 PM | | NEVER EVER! the only time violence is to be used is to protect yourself or others. then you should be VERY violent. if a "man" hits you remember he has to sleep sometime. or call me i will break him of that habit. | |
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| Is it ever okay to resort to violence?
Posted: 10/11/2009 12:18:26 PM | | No OP, it is never okay to resort to violence because someone "made you" mad, upset, resentful, hateful, angry, tired, pissed, etc etc. No one can "make" someone resort to physical violence. To "make" someone resort to physical violence you'd have to pick up their arm and move it in a bopping motion, pick up their leg and make it kick by bending ait t the knee and thrusting the lower leg forward, pick up their arms and thrust them forward in a pushing motion etc. | |
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