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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:16:40 PM | So what do you want...a cookie? Let's see, you saw tons of red flags, were a mess yourself, yet you stayed around long enough to let her son get attached enough to you to call you 'Dad'. Good job in screwing up the kid in addition to whatever she'll do to him. I hope you are enough of a man to at least recognize that you have a responsibility to to that boy to stay in touch with him and be supportive to him and guide him in growing up. You break up with adults but not children. I hope you understand that. You may have a sense of relief of getting her out of your life, but there's a little kid out there who is probably wondering what he did wrong to make you not love him anymore.
Hate to rain on your parade, but you need to think about that. Don't be selfish, you better step up to the plate and do the right thing. Otherwise you're just another a$$hole in what is probably a long line of a$$holes that has been in his life.
JMO
Beth | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:22:02 PM | I'm not going to be quite so hard on you OP, since it seems like you've learned quite a bit from the situation. I am also not as tough a cookie as some of my fellow posters- I'm more the soft, chewy, sugar cookie variety. :-)
About a year ago, I ended a relationship, because the guy I was with was giving far more than I was giving back. I appreciated what he did, but it made me terribly uncomfortable, because I just didn't have strong feelings for him, and couldn't sincerely reciprocate. I ended it as soon as I could work up the courage, lol. It made me wonder if I couldn't be with a giving person, though.
How wrong I was! For the past nine months, I've been with a guy who is extremely giving and treats me like a princess. I have no problem with it whatsoever, because I'm absolutely crazy about him, and am happy to give back in every way I can possibly think of. The give-and-take is effortless, and that's the way it should be when two people are equally into each other.
So, what I'm saying is, don't stop being a great guy. Just know that when you're with the right person, everything you do will be appreciated and reciprocated. From this past experience though, it looks like you've learned not to throw your pearls in front of swine. If she's not the right person, move on, rather than martyring yourself.
For now though, enjoy your freedom, and have some fun just dating and seeing what's out there! | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:28:53 PM | | oh and you are perfect? you did nothing wrong in the relationship? actually i'm wondering why you'd even get involved with someone who had a young child and who is mentally ill? i know i sure as hell would NEVER put myself in that type of situation even if i was extremely desperate. next time you might want to pick a woman without so much baggage. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:37:07 PM | ^^^^Because the mentally ill, with children, should be without a date. Oh, yeah, go ahead and rule out half of America...
All relationships are bad. It is just a matter of what you are willing to put up with. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:40:01 PM | Because the mentally ill, with children, should be without a date. Oh, yeah, go ahead and rule out half of America...
i didn't say that, but it sounded like the OP's girlfriend had a LOT of problems. why put up with someone like that? much easier to find someone without all those problems. makes life easier not harder. i don't think most men are fans of drama. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:42:44 PM | When you get old, and crusty, and disease-ridden, who do you expect to take care of you?
Life is full of drama: sometimes it is of our own creation, and sometimes it happens due to life. Suck it up, baby. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:47:27 PM |
When I passed up a $90,000.00 contract to a foreign country, partially for the chance she and I had together, just the fact alone that I couldn't rule out the notion immediatedly seems like it triggered a domino effect of her many diagnosed psychological disorders,(Schizophrenia, BPD, Borderline, undiagnosed Mythomaniacal Tendancies) and this just kept getting worse.
OP you completely cracked me up. Welcome to the free world, enjoy your temporary stay before the next episode of....love and kraze. Beware though single life can be extremely addictive. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:55:24 PM | | OP, time to shut-up and just listen or that hole you are digging is gonna get bigger and bigger and probably cave in on you. Don't beat your head over this or it might backfire LOL | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 11:21:11 PM | | I feel awful for the poor kid, what a rotten life he must have and now he's been dumped by yet another 'Dad'. That really sucks, people should think before they act like they are there for a child then toss them aside, and what a mom for him to have to deal with. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/12/2009 12:00:18 AM | | Looke that-see you can do it! Whoope-you're out of heartbreak hotel-now you can help give insight to tearful fishies in forums-heart medic!!!! Watch out Rod's on his way to his next life mission. Hooray for you bud! | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/12/2009 1:10:03 AM | Goodwitchbeth... Omg I would love to stay in touch with that boy and losing him hurts more than losing her!!! I recently asked her if I could even send him something for his B-day and she declined. I said I'd do it anonymously and she declined. She knows it kills me and is just weaponizing him along with anything else. It sucks.
By the way, with how bitter you're coming across to me, wouldn't you have loved it if someone who loved you resisted the redflags you waved and stuck around...? I made a commitment to my ex and when I reciprocated her promiss of "always", I meant it. To the ladies trying to shred me: Chill. Is it good enough that a decent man loved a woman and for once in history a woman may have actually been in the wrong??? I've read some amazing replies and thank each and everyone for saying their piece, but to the ladies lashing at me for imagined wrongs like supposedly abandoning the boy, when I've said nothing illuding to that... omg!
If you could refuse to project your ex's faults on every guy who whines,(like my thread) about his ex, and stop shredding guys, maybe alot more of us could let our defenses down with YOU. Ma'am, you deserve love, very VERY very much and just need to relax and accept it. If there's enough bitterness in your heart that you would lash at me for imaginary wrongs, than you're beyond left field.
Come home. Everything is okay. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/12/2009 8:07:42 AM | Rod,
My heart goes out to you. There's a lot of judgin' going on based on reading in-between the lines. I don't see a whole lot of benefit of the doubt being given. Your story was just a summary of your relationship. Why do some feel free to make up all of the details. It just appears that they are projecting their own issues onto you.
Pretty presumptuous, immature, and harsh of them. And very telling.
You seemed to catch on to all of that. I'm sorry you don't get to see your boy anymore. That's got to hurt. I applaud you for loving that woman wholeheartedly and taking her boy in as your own. Where are the congratulations for that? You see, when I read your original post, I thought "Ah.. he sounds like a nice guy that's willing to go the distance for this woman." (I wasn't thinking "perfect guy" or anything.)Sadly, some of the others read it looking for potential negativity. Take it from a 40-year old lady, the negativity said much more about them, than you. But I think you know that. It's just good to hear it from someone else.
Good luck. I'm sure you'll find a lady that you can give to that also has a lot to give in return. :) | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:26:21 PM | | Most decent men don't verbally attack women offering supportive words to them. I now say check the shoe on the other foor and I withdraw my support for your cause-no pity here! | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:36:35 PM | You know what ??? Her call ... decisions were made along the way, they went good and bad, now it has ended. It is bad for you, but, IT IS !!!
You are happy to be out of it, good on you. She is happy by the sound of it too, good on her.
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:41:28 PM | Dude, you're out the war-zone... or maybe not!
Good job wreaking havoc on some poor kid!
Great to hear that you're Happy!  
Find another woman with a kid and mess up their life too!
Write your own version of War & Piece!  | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/12/2009 6:00:40 PM | Well Op some women can be nasty and vindictive, If your happy that what counts.
As many women that have been very badly abused in relationship and now They're
very content and thankful to be out a gone from their bad relationship.
Consider it as water under the bridge, live and learn. Now it's time to forget and
move on! | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/12/2009 6:05:16 PM | Thanks to everyone. Especially the kind adults who recognize another's momentary need for some reinforcement. To those attempting to shred another person, I'm sorry you've been hurt.
"Repairguy", what are you talking about? What did I do to the boy? I didn't stop him and I gave no negative feedback unless you count a hug as negative. I let his mother know what he was calling me and exercise her judgement. She and I weren't married and for him to latch onto me that intensely, without his security being etched in stone by marriage, was something she needed to enact her own opinions on. As far as your description of me still being in the zone... are you okay?
She is the one withholding my affection from him.
Anyway, I'm finished trying to reason with the trolls, but people with some legit insight and questions are free to post and I'll reply to some, especially any questions. Ty all. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/12/2009 6:37:04 PM | | A relationship is all about give and take. You can't keep giving all the time, and at one point or another you have to say enough is enough before all hell breaks loose. You have to know when to back away from something that you think won't benefit you in the long run. People tend to stay with what they are comfortable with and the same goes with relationships, we tend to stay in a bad relationship b/c we are comfortable and don't want to step out of our comfort zones. Being in a relationship like that is damaging to your emotional state. But you also have to remember that she may have had issues with you that you haven't told us or even she hadn't told you. Communication is a big part of a great relationship. Now that you are out of you, just move on, live and learn to do better next time. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/12/2009 7:11:27 PM | Rod, re-read your original post.
You welcomed all comments.
The more you read around the forums, the more you'll read stories of people getting into relationships that are somewhat without conscience.
You're out of it, but there's collateral damage... Ever consider that?
You're an older guy, imagine how a kid is impacted?!
You played the part... a sucker you say, and it was funny looking back on it... good for you... you're out of it.
Maybe you should stick to the ladies without kids... just sayin...
If you give more consideration to your situation, you'll see that it was always about you.
When there's a kid involved, it aint' about old Rod getting his 50 percent.
Sure, your intentions were good... but Rod, there was a 4 year old kid in the mix.
Were you just in it to bang his mom?
... and the lengths you went to in order to tap it! Laundry? House-cleaning!?
No man is met 'half-way' when there is a kid involved.
You can't split 3 into 50/50.
Come on Rod, you shoulda known better. Come on!!
You picked up a broken person, had your fill and now laugh looking back... "
it's funny looking back on it" Your words, not mine... Where's the honor? Really.
Some things can't be fixed, Best not to tread into those things... Right?
PS, Rod, When you do something anonymously - you just do it - you don't advertise the intention or ask for permission... you just do it. My point in all this is to try and clue you into the angle that is this - YOU were 50% of that relationship, including the dysfunctional part, the 'bad' part, and whatnot. The kid is the victim, not you. The best medics know that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Happy, Happy. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/12/2009 11:59:25 PM | Alright man, you're in the realm of making some good points. So good that I'm going to validate your newest post with a reply. Thanks for the different perspective.
I did welcome all comments. Good job. Duh' about the collateral. The boy got thrice as much attention and love and affection with me around than when alone with her. He also managed to get some structure/ discipline with me there too. She had the right heart, but her actions didn't add up for him, nor did they match her spoken ideals. As for how the kid was impacted, with me there, he was brought to life and invigorated. I have repeatedly tried to get her to let me do something for the kid, and her repeated denials and claims of refusing to ever let me around him are without warrant and can be easily believed to be weaponization of him by just ripping out that last little piece of my heart. What else am I to believe? I thoroughly investigated her claims that I'm a bad guy and even visited my VA people to check on if her claims are true. I got sent out with a clean bill of health.
Her not meeting me halfway was not even about her kid. She wasn't actively much on mothering and that's part of why I stepped up to the plate so much... cuz' her kid needed someone atleast. That's why he voluntarily called me "Dad" when he did, and loved to play with me, though ignoring her occaisional offers to play and rarely ever offered to interact with her. She made similar excuses equalling that it was about her kid, but it was a scapegoat/crutch which was false. I know, I was there and her kid wasn't part of the equation as far as why she wasn't there for me. It just fealt easier for her to sit on her beautiful rear and take while barely giving. Period.
How would you ever even know enough to claim it was always about me? What do you know? Just off of the stats alone, if I wanted to just get laid, there were alot of vaginas along the 85 miles, 1-way, I drove to see her. Why the long drive for hers? As far as the alleged lengths I went to "tap it"? Why are you trolling me?
I took care of her because I loved her. Her life, from its start, was challenging and full of exhaustion/ abuse. She deserved being taken care of and loved. I did that for her, because I loved her and wanted to make her happy. I wanted to make her life better. If I wanted a piece of tail, I could just go to a local college bar or back to the strip-club business I used to work in, hang out and pick up a piece. Like anyone, I've had enough sex that I don't need to go out and get it everynight. Come on...
I laugh not at her, or the "us" the three of us were, but at the artistry and pain of it all. In disasters, I've learned you either laugh or you cry. I've run out of teers, and prefer to just embrace the irony and artistry with amusement... it's a form of coping. If you're giving advice, atleast understand different people speak and also cope in different ways. Diversify your knowledge-base.
Finally, who says any intention was advertised or anything of the sort? You, along with many other people, have inserted so many of your own assumptions into my thread about "this" or "that" and it just amuses me to a great extent to see you replying to the phantoms of your history, while my own thread is what you think you're seeing.
As for the kid, that's a touchy subject for me and most of why you got so much reply. That boy was mine. Not by blood, but he was my son. He is much worse off now, because I can't even see him, than he ever was. He's trapped with her and is going to have so much abuse from her and her moodswings/ disorders/ etc and it's never going to end. He's going to get as complex as she is because of the unique experiences he's going to grow up with, and I get to type this knowing there's nothing I can do for him or her.
Bro, thanks for your angle. It's strikingly similar to hers, equally dillusional and just as off base in most ways. You know, you actually can ask me questions before making up 'facts' to reply to. I'm a pretty open guy and you can just ask before aiming at me.
L8Tr | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/13/2009 3:20:38 AM |
There is never a ‘good’ excuse for abuse, nor is there a better one for enabling.
That's a tad harsh. People often fall down with "everything will be alright" syndrome. Love doesn't follow any kind of logic, if it did you wouldn't find so many threads with tales of heartbreak and woe. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/13/2009 4:06:01 PM | Lighten up, Rod.
It's just a forum with people you'll never see or meet in real life.
Just offerin up a different perspective. Toughen up, dude...
Why the thin-skin?
Don't take things so seriously, none of us is getting out alive! :)
You've just experienced 'woman'. When they appear a bit 'off', steer clear.
No need to judge or make someone 'the bad guy'. Just steer clear.
When you wise up, you'll spot the loonies more quickly, til then you are one of them.
You're delusion that you can make anyone but your self happy will fade with time.
That's why it was always about you. Your bit about "I took care of her because I loved her. Her life, from its start, was challenging and full of exhaustion/ abuse. She deserved being taken care of and loved. I did that for her, because I loved her and wanted to make her happy. I wanted to make her life better."
That says it all. Lots of words that reveal your delusion. Good Luck.
When you are ready, you'll have insight. Truth hurts... | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/13/2009 4:40:19 PM | Isn't it amazing how you know you're stressed and maybe miserable and just all around unhappy but you just keep wanting it to work.
But once its over, does it feel good after its done.
I can so relate to that. Just happy to be back to my regular self. No stress. No worries. Doing what I want, when I want.
And some people like you and myself will go above and beyond to make things work and then just end up feeling worse when it doesnt accomplish anything. One day I'll learn...maybe. Or maybe one day we'll find someone to actually appreciate us. Who knows.
But getting out of an unhappy relationship does feel liberating. No more shackles. :) | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/13/2009 5:58:07 PM |
As for the kid, that's a touchy subject for me and most of why you got so much reply. That boy was mine. Not by blood, but he was my son. He is much worse off now, because I can't even see him, than he ever was.
Dude, I know how you feel. When my ex left me, in the middle of chemo for breast cancer, she not only left me, but took with her a little girl and a little boy that had called me dad for two years. Like you, I gave everything for them and to them. It devastated me not only because she took my two children, but made me feel horrible because this is the time where you become helpful and she never saw a thing I did for her.
Unfortunately there is collateral material. But you gave that child all the love you could, stick to that. You did nothing wrong but be a man of principle. Now, the fact that you created this Thread tells me that you are still severely affected by this thing. Seek help. Or you will take what went on into the next relationship.
Another thing that I have learned when in relationships like this, with children, women with very complex issues is that some men, I guess me, perhaps you, we want to safe them even if it kills us. Also realize that the failure of a relationship is not all her fault. There are things that you did. It will be good to go through therapy and identify those things because they are the Achilles hill that will bring you down again on the next relationship. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/22/2009 3:44:55 PM | I am wondering why you kept doing so much for her if you felt increasing resentment.
I don't understand what more it was that you wanted from her.
I have had similar situations with boyfriends. They go through a period of time when they do a lot for me. Then they change and decide, after we have been sleeping together for a while, that they are doing everything and I am doing nothing.
Then they leave.
It seems to me that the guys start to get resentful about doing things for a woman
when they grow tired and restless and bored and want something new and different. | |
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