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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/18/2009 12:21:02 PM | hi. you sure are a smart one for a 3rd grader. i suppose that is why you seem so honest about your relationship dynamics. you have not yet been cultivated to pretend to be somebody you are not. that is great news.
and i say again. you are intelligent. i wish i had a gal like you to relate to. you seem so receptive and partnership able. and so i wonder truly what are the conditions which would be acceptable to you...for you.
anyway. i can't speak for either of you so i won't. there is so much that has not been said about you and your values or relationship. and i know that you can't speak entirely for your husband. so much of your relationship matter and ideals remain out-side of my evaluations. but i would have great advice re: your childrens relationships.
and that be none of my affair. however...speaking impersonally.....if i had children and i were a mother or a father i would be quite interested of what are the persons entering into their lives. father notwithstanding. his rights do not precede maternal or paternal interests to upset the practices of routine and re-creation which bring health and safety to or for them. so if he has departed relationship with you for reasons which were unclear or unshared or deemed relatively to remove children priorities from his awareness...then in that do he forfeit some responsibility to manage them. now...
that is not to say that he should not be in and of their lives. it is only to comment on what you as a person and in partnership did relate of the values and practices of child care with him...beside him.
i am sure you would have done that even though you have only a 3rd grade education because you seem thoughtfull and write very plainly and i respect you much for that.
however you make your choices to modify your life-style or moderate your childrens i do sincerely wish for you the best conditions possible that keep you all safe happy and healthy.
be well all ways
p.s.
please feel free to share further to advantages of your self and family. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/22/2009 7:27:50 PM | | My ex is married to my maid of honor - obviously, she knew we were married. My kids have been with them every other weekend for 15 yrs now. She tells them horrible things about me, tries to interfere with my plans, encourages them to do things I don't approve of, manipulates them and a few times flat out bribed them. She also recently got my ex to try to take custody from me and tried to convince the kids to come live with them. All you have to do is smile, ignore it and be a good mom. My kids have days when they prefer her, but 95% of the time they see through it all and they can't stand her - especially now that they are getting older. Try to encourage the kids to get along with her (less stress for kids and she will treat them better). I wouldn't let the kids go (since you seem to have the option at this point) until they have been together for about 1 yr - just enough that it isn't just one girlfriend after another. When it looks like they will stay together, let him have visitation on his home turf. The kids need that with both of you and you have nothing to worry about. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/22/2009 7:39:14 PM | | He moved in with her after knowing her for a week? Highly unlikely that she'll be around long term, so I wouldn't worry about any kind of bonding going on between them (aside from the short term, temporary, superficial, meaningless kind) Make the most of any time you get to yourself when he takes them there. He's making decisions out of desparation, and that has a way of backfiring. Just focus on keeping YOUR relationship with the kids strong, set a good example, and be there to help them make sense of things while they watch him go through his gyrations...I know it's hard, but seperate and distance yourself from him, let him own the responsibility for his unstable decisions. Hold your head up, keep give your children an impeccable example, and your self esteem will surge when his house of cards falls apart, and there you are, the epitome of stability and grace.... kids understand a lot more than we give them credit for. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/22/2009 7:48:33 PM | Actually, they were dating for about 1 month before he moved in with her. He started moving out after they were together for 3 weeks. Yes, I knew about her, but I am kind of old fashioned and hate the idea of divorce and truly believe that marriages take work after so long and I was kind of hoping that we could work things out. And he continued to give me that hope by saying things like lots of couples have gotten separated and gotten back together and he still loved me, etc. Once he started moving out he spent about a week couch hopping and then he was living with her.
I know she is not going to be around forever. I think there is already trouble in paradise. She has the kind of job where she literally gets paid to do nothing all day long. She is done with her stuff early in the morning and spends the rest of the day on My Space, texting people, and calling people. Apparently she is usually texting him or calling him about every 5 minutes or so. He made a comment when he was watching the kids over here the other day to the effect of "stop calling every 5 minutes." Oh well. It should be interesting to see what happens when he realizes that she is not all that great and he lost the best thing he ever had. I am waiting for him to ask to come back home, so I can tell him no way.
Thank you , everyone for all of your advice. It is greatly appreciated. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 11/2/2009 12:29:31 PM | Alright, I am resurrecting this thread, as my newest issue seems to be directly related to this. I could be wrong. Before I say anything else, to those of you that would, please do not turn this thread into a debate about discipline or a flame war or anything else. For me this is a very serious issue and I am just looking for advice on how to deal with it.
Now, if you have read the entire thread, then you know that I had several issues with letting my kids go to me ex's house where he is living with his girlfriend. Since then they have only gone a few times, but since I started letting them go their behavior has gone through the roof. They have always been a little hard to handle and a little wild, but it was all part of being a kid. They might have had maybe one day a week where they were really incorrigible, but now it is every day, literally. The girls are constantly fighting with each other over every thing (above and beyond normal sibling type things), they refuse to listen to anything they are told, they refuse to do their chores (which are not difficult to begin with), they ignore me when I tell them to stop doing something that is dangerous, and on and on and on and on. They have started mocking me and the oldest has actually pushed me a couple of times, which is so totally unlike her. The oldest has also developed quite a temper and when things don't go her way she starts screaming at her siblings.
I have tried everything I can think of to discipline them. I have done timeouts, they have been grounded, they have had their privileges taken away, they have even been spanked when it has been warranted. (please keep in mind the oldest 2 are 6 and 7). We have also rewarded their good behavior with a star chart that we use every day. They earn their stars for each day and if they have enough stars at the end of the week they get some sort of reward. Before they started losing their privileges we were spending all kinds of time together and playing and doing fun things from going to the park to making ice cream sundaes and baking cookies, to simple things like renting a movie they wanted to watch and watching it. We still try to do fun things together, but if they have lost their TV it makes it kind of difficult to get a movie for all of us to watch. And I refuse to take them in public when they can't behave, simply because I always hated to see those parents in public.
I have really been trying to stay calm and be patient. I understand that there is a lot of confusion and anger for them to deal with. I understand their emotions are all mixed up. and I have sat down with them several times to talk to them and make sure that they understand it is okay to be angry and upset, that mommy and daddy both still love them, that it's not their fault. I have also sat down and talked to them about their behavior and let them know that it is unacceptable and why. But it is starting to get to me. I find myself getting to the point where I simply shut down and can't deal with it anymore. I am normally a fighter and don't give up on anything, but by the end of the night I have given up trying to get them to behave. I am so frustrated and angry because of their constant behavior that I just don't know what to do anymore. Please, if anyone has gone through this or has any serious advice to offer, I am all ears (or rather eyes, in this case).
I am already considering taking the girls to some sort of therapy to deal with their issues. And I am also going to talk to my ex about them not going to his house anymore, as that appears to be the catalyst for this behavior. But I am almost positive, considering his past behavior that he is going to accuse me of trying to make it difficult for him to see the kids.
The 2 oldest are the ones I am the most concerned with. The 4 yr old has his days, which again is normal, but he tends to take his cues on how to act from his sisters. But he is not as bad as they are. And the 1yr old is just that, 1 yr old and starting to push his limits. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 11/2/2009 2:11:29 PM | I read the whole thing.. even the part AFTER my original post to you.
1. STOP taking them there. Get a sitter but dont deliver them into chaos. IF he has structured visitation and takes them there.. you cant stop it. but dont enable it
2. GET structured visitation.. start times.. end times.. SPECIFIC days
3. Stay calm. their behavior is normal in this situation.
4. Increase the timeouts. Explain the NATURAL CONSEQUENCES of both good behaviors and bad behaviors.
5. when they are playing together doing ANYTHING.. Tell them ALL that the privilege ENDS if there is any trouble. Even if ONE is doing the trouble.. they ALL lose out.
6. Use less words when you talk to them.. Be abrupt, to the point, and firm.. then DONT give them MORE verbal engagement attention. They are seeking reassurance in their attentiongetting.. BAD behavior is getting them a LOT more of your focus and time.. THAT behavior is normal.
7. Silent treatment WILL work. They will start to CRAVE a kind word.
8. Show NO emotion.. even when you are the MOST upset. It will confuse them.
9. Stop explaining so much.. stop making any excuses for WHAT IS. It just IS.
10, if you apologize at all.. stop it. You dont have to apologize for LIFE. Life just IS
Regarding a SEVEN year old hitting you.. and her anger.. THAT gets the biggest timeout of all.. even to the point of the TOUGHLOVE program. Investigate if it's there in your neighborhood. It's like isolation in prison and VERY effective. You take away EVERYTHING but the basics.. a bare mattress.. ONE blanket.. ONE set of clothes that SHE has to wash every day to have fresh for the next day.
Look.. they are PISSED.. and according to your earlier post.. rightly so. But so what.
You came into this thread a fraidy cat.. Time to get UNafraid.. Time to grow some big brass ovaries and take charge..
Edit: Oh.. stay OFF the computer while your kids are awake. They will see it as an opportunity to mess with something YOU want to be doing. Get on it when they are in bed. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 11/2/2009 2:24:26 PM | If you truly have doubts, see if you can find a friend or family member to help until you feel better about the situation.
Yes she is immoral, but that is their father and sometimes you have to let him make decisions and know that he loves them as much as you do (hard pill to swallow...I know). You have absolute right to be concerned. It takes time to get used to....Trust, I know... | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 11/2/2009 2:31:49 PM |
I agree with caolann. Until your husband (ex?) has a more stable living environment, I wouldn't allow the kids to go to his latest fu#k buddies house to hang out.
I second (third?) that. Group sex is great but it shouldn't involve children. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 11/2/2009 2:51:45 PM | At this point it's not about them going over there, but about their behavior since they started going over there. Granted they have only been there a few times, but it started when they started going over there.
Now, yes the whole situation is immoral. I do not want to deny them access to their father. But 1KindMan has actually said something I agree with and that is not letting them go over there anymore. I think it is simply too much for them to deal with at this point.
And Consigliori, whether you are being funny or not that is just sick. One thing I will give my ex credit for is that he would not do anything like that around the kids. He is trying to keep from being overly touchy feely with her in general around them and refrains from even kissing his girlfriend in front of them. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 11/2/2009 7:12:14 PM | You as a parent need to re establish the rules of your home.
If you think it would be easier to post the rules and review them with the kids, and write down the consequences beside them.. do it. -- and FOLLOW THEM. It doesn't matter if it's the 15th time that day the child has broken the rule.. FOLLOW the same consequences.. follow thru on the, if you do that one more time tv is gone for a week threats.. otherwise they are empty threats and they will learn to not respect your word.
They are confused right now. You yourself said that they have only gone to the other home a few times.. that's fine.. that's Daddy's new home.. and he has certain rules.. which might be different from Mommy's rules.. but at Mommy's house you follow HER rules.
You also have to understand kids will try to break rules if they are normal healthy kids. They will push your buttons a million times a day.. they are learning.. they are learning how to make you do what they want. If you are consistant, and you dont give in, they will learn that Mom RULES the house.. not them.
I have a 9 year old (almost 10) who when she comes home from 1 friends house is a monster, but I call her on it. I explain that I realize her friend rules her home (I have seen it with my own eyes), but here at home she needs to remember our rules, or there will be consequences. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:48:32 PM | It is not uncommon to feel this way...... questioning. but understand one thing your kids need a strong person, someone that is there for them. Worrying about the gf of the week is not a good thing. Show then stability and stong parent and you will be fine. You cannot control any thing but yourself. Children see the truth. They may not say it, but they see it. Hang in there, it is not easy. Let your kids know every day you love them and that you are there for them.  | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:49:49 PM | Your kids would go through this even if you weren't divorced, they just usually don't do it all the time.
My kids were 5, 9 and 12 when we split, and there were many times I had to peel them off the ceiling when dad delivered them home. My 10-year-old seemed to go through a phase last spring that took about everything I had not to kill him. Every time he came home from a friend's he acted like a complete jerk from the minute he walked in the door.
Kids are going to push, and while you want to be attentive to their emotional needs, don't think that every little thing they are doing is about the split, because it isn't, part of it is them being kids. When your children start saying crap like I have issues, you know they have been watching too much t.v. or they have realized that people will treat them with kidd gloves whether they need it or not because of the divorce.
Yes, they have emotional issues but those aren't best dealt with by acting out. They will also adjust to going between houses and different rules at the houses, you just need to maintain your house your rules as would apply relative to them doing different things at other houses that you don't allow at yours, not anything huge, just oh, maybe watching more television, or maybe the people put their feet up on the coffee table and you don't.
Hon, I know you're tired, but you just can't let them run the asylum. Consistency from you now is more important than it has ever been. Take some of the ideas from any number of threads on disciplining children, google the nanny's site. One of the things that may be helpful that I remembered wishing I had seen when my children were smaller was the directed activities. I don't know what they are doing schedule wise but if they have free time, making sure they have some type of project to do allows you time to do other things and keeps them from getting into trouble.
Another thing to remember is always trying to give them some transition time and this is true from coming back from dad's. Rather than jumping into what needs to get done, etc. take a half hour or so to unwind. Have a snack at the table and sit and talk with them. If they are amped up from being with dad this can help them chill a bit before you resume your life with them with you.
I know it's hard but if you have someone that can watch the kids even if it is for an hour, take some time as often as possible to spend some one-on-one time with each child. Children, no matter their age, don't want to share, period. They are having to do a hell of a lot of sharing right now, in addition to their parental attention being split by three other sibs, they now are sharing their dad's attention with another woman.
And as antithetical as it sounds, they may be pushing you because they WANT you to lay down the law, to reinforce that some things aren't going to change. For now don't think in terms of waving the wand and correcting the behavior but doing whatever you need to do on a daily basis to have structure and peace in the household. If you don't have enough time out places, take their entertainment items out of their room and scuttle the little toots to different rooms. Sitting with nothing to do is something most kids do not like and most will avoid it when possible. Remember as with all things, this too shall pass.
You can nix the visits for now as it seems to be creating a great deal of stress for the children but you are eventually going to have to deal with visitation. Your natural inclination is to stop and that may be the right thing to do but it may also be the right thing to do to allow all of you to work through this now and get a routine established that will get better over time. Talk to a school psychologist or the pediatrician and see what they suggest. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 11/2/2009 10:14:00 PM | | You shouldn't deny access to their father unless you have some evidence that what he is doing is the problem vs the normal adjustment of being in 2 different houses. He does not have to do everything the way you would - the kids will adjust. Couseling could help and I agree about making time for the transition. I can't stress enough how important it is for you to avoid making your kids stressed out over loyalty issues. They need to get along well with dad and his gf and they should not feel guilty about this. If they know you dont approve of her, dont want them to go, etc, they will be far more stressed. either way, it takes tim,e for the kids to get used to dealing with 2 homes. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 11/2/2009 10:33:47 PM | Part of the problem is that I don't approve of her. And I think it is way too soon after everything has happened to introduce her into the picture. But the ex kind of forced my hand on that one. They were dating while he and I were still together, and she knew we were still together. He moved out around the middle to the end of July and moved straight in with her. I am not trying to deny him access to his children. Not in any way. I encourage them to behave when they are there. And I let them know it is okay if they like her. But at the same time, when most kids start staying at the other parent's home, it's not the home of a gf/bf that that parent moved out to be with. And the kids know they were together when he and I were still together because we live in a very small house and no matter what room we were in they always overheard the conversations. I think it has been too much change for them to deal with too soon. Heck, it's been too much change for me to deal with, between all of this, and losing my job.
And it didn't help when I brought this subject up with my ex that he starts bragging about how they are so well behaved over there.
Anyway, thank you everyone for your advice. I am still not sure how I am going to handle this. But you all have given me some food for thought and I appreciate it. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 11/2/2009 10:42:14 PM | Honey.. let me give you some MORE blunt speak here
You are appearing to be a TROLL seeking chatbuddyfriendadvisors to interact with on an online forum.
You re-awakened your thread here with what APPEARED to be an honest cry for help with FOUR distraught kids.. Your post above that starts with "Part of the problem" is now focused on your faux-morality issue with his new honey.
Where are your priorities? Is it your kids and their emotional issues as well as YOUR difficulty in having a CLUE on how to deal with it.. Or your JUDGEMENTALISM towards that "HARLOT" that your "Harlot-LOVING" soon to be EX mate chose over you??
To be over-the-top-as-if-we-were-on-the-phone? I gave you some SOUND advice.. experienced parent-to-INexperienced little girl in a panic.. and you dont even respond to it.. but continue to go on and on and on about THAT WOMAN.
Come clean about it all here.. or just go away. You've wasted people's valuable time here
troll troll troll troll troll.. The REST of you women reading her claptrap SHOULD scold her.. big time. she just did a HUGE DISservice to real women seeking help. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 11/2/2009 10:57:57 PM | It is an honest cry for help. And excuse for not responding to you specifically. But I actually did say that I agreed with you when you said I should stop sending them over there. yes, I do have an issue with my ex and his girlfriend and our children being in the same place as them. If you want to call that judgmental, then fine, so be it. But that is part of the problem. Our children know what is going on. They are very smart. (Of course I am probably biased on that note). The point in my saying that was that it's another thing that they are having to deal with that is causing them confusion.
Secondly, the only time I responded specifically was to clear up something. If you notice, I did not respond to Packagedeal, or several other responses either. What I did say was thank you to EVERYONE that did give me advice and that included you. Or are you just pissed because I didn't refer to you specifically and bow down to you and say that your way would have to be the right way?
As for being a scared little girl in a panic. Not quite. Inexperienced, not quite that either. I have 4 children. No they are not grown like yours are. But I have been doing this for a few years.
And thank you, now this thread is going to turn into a bash, even though I specifically asked in that people didn't come here and start that. If you don't like what I am saying or you don't agree with it, then please don't come back and start an argument. I am not trying to waste anyone's time. But yours is not the only way and I would like to get as much input as I can. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 11/2/2009 11:19:37 PM | At best.. the bashing will come MY way since I seem to draw the smallminds to my flame of truth
The post right above mine was NOT about help with your kids at all.. but about your high-on-your-horse attempt to make THAT WOMAN into an IMMORAL HARLOT.
YOUR apparent religious, judgemental ZEALOTRY will NOT help you or help your kids.
Leave the whole MORAL issue alone.. Your ex is an @$$ and dumped you.. Ok??
He dumped you for a sexier girl.. or a girl that is giving him MORE sex than you were.. or some other lapse in his character..
NOW THAT WE KNOW THAT CAN WE MOVE TO THE REAL PROBLEM??
Here is what will KEEP you from getting bashed
narrow down your problems/potential solutions concerning your kids. Make this post about your PARENTING CHALLENGES only.
Ask and respond to those posts that ONLY help you parent your kids. WE KNOW SHE IS A MORAL WHORE AND YOUR EX IS SLEEPING WITH HER
TELL us the choices you make concerning your kids.. when you use our advice and IT WORKS. We want validation that we are actually helping you.
DONT go out and create other threads.. or even COMMENT on other threads. If you are typing on here.. you ARENT HELPING YOUR OWN CAUSE WITH YOUR KIDS
Is that more clear?
Oh, to the poster who said dont deny him his kids.. I'll clear that up..
DONT HELP OR ENABLE him to get time with his kids by "driving them over there" or driving over to help with the transportation.. or taking them TO him to "babysit" while you want to do some activity
ALL of those things..
If you have a place to go.. get a sitter. If that place isnt THAT important.. dont go to it
If he wants time with the kids.. establish a "visitation schedule" and make him adhere to it
Now for all of you that dont like my posts.. saying they are ANTI woman.. Watch this one. Frankly.. I am AGAINST a woman making it HARDER for the childrens dad to see his children.. HOWEVER.. I am BUYING INTO her story that this guy is a total @$$ and he behaved just as she said. My advice to her throughout this thread is based upon the presented info that this guy has NO integrity, NO honor, NO character and that the OP did NOTHING to drive him away but was the perfect, loving, happily sexual wife, and that she did NO WRONG.
Just watch my advice and THEN try to call me a misogynist. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:57:43 AM | OP it falls like this... Kids can see a parent in distress, and to take the focus on the other loved parent then they act out to take that attention away from dad, and own it for them self....
As well you state the they started acting up after going over to be with dad and gf... This cements the idea that mom and dad are splitting up, that is a hard pill for kids to swallow and they will respond in a way as to object...
Perhaps they unconsciously blame you, not because you did anything wrong, BUT because they can't give dad the same amount of shit, and since dad left them, THEN they will take out their hurt and anger on mom...
I know, I was my former steps sons favorite target since his mother abandoned him as a baby, and until dad met me, he treated his son like a buddy rather than a son... After we got married his dad was gone all the time, the mother moved almost 300 miles away. He was hurt, angry and the only person who stayed true to being there was me...
Set up boundaries, and have sit downs allowing them to express what they are feeling. Sometimes you have to take the counseling route if things get to crazy... It is tough, but you are a strong woman, and will be able to wade through this... Try not to take the hurt personal, because then the kids know they are getting to you, THIS is power in their minds...
Good luck | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:04:55 AM | How old are your children OP? One of your earlier references, they seem pretty young and it seems like unless they have specifically told you that they not only know but really understand this woman breaking up your marriage, you are projecting about their value judgments about this woman. Even if they are aware of the story because of the arguments, unless they are around 10 at least, they really don't "get" it. One thing btw, that might be helpful for you to stop thinking of this woman as the one that broke up your marriage, your ex did that, she was just the catalyst.
Realistically, for your own piece of mind as well as your children, since you don't know how long this chick is going to be around, you need to totally separate the relationship/cheating, etc. from your brain and your children, period.
Your ex is a douche, you cannot control who he does and does not bring around your children and from the court's perspective, unless he is having sex in front of the kids, what an adult does with another adult even if that result is a parade of SOs throughout the children's life and oodles and oodles of instability, they won't do a thing.
From the standpoint of why you are catching the flack, it is because they love and trust you and you mean security so while they may (or may not he could be lying through his teeth) be behaving at their dads, if they are it is because they are more worried about whether dad and/or his SO will love them while they know yours isn't in question.
It's hard to really give you any more insight or advice without the ages of the children. I also see if this thread is indicative of your mindset, that you are vacillating by the hurt that has been caused you and letting that color your thinking, to trying to be logical and do what's best for the children, and then the fear of replacement by the girlfriend lingers too. All of which is normal and understandable, but ultimately will make it more difficult for your kids if you can't keep the intelligent, logical mom front up with the kids.
Perhaps you should seek counseling beyond the support group at church so that you can really explore how you are feeling and positive ways of dealing with that. I don't know who leads the group at church but one, it is a group, you aren't getting the one-on-one attention that you probably really need right now. Church-based counseling is also often not as good from a psychological/professional standpoint as a psychologist, even if the pastor is trained, etc. I'm not knocking the church, just point out a fact that holds true for most situations.
Your pissed, hurt, and afraid and I don't know with everything else you are trying to cope with that you are dealing with those issues when the time is appropriate to do so and most of us wouldn't be able to put on the best parent face all the time going through that emotional upheaval, so you aren't necessarily putting the pissed, hurt and afraid away when they should be, if that makes any sense? Not judging you in any way, my ex mad me totally bat shit and it wasn't like my kids didn't see any of that no matter how hard I tried to be a grown-up, sigh. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:52:50 AM | OP,
I wanted to send you private message, but your settings will not let me. If you send me a private message I will reply and can recommend couple more resources, such as a link to a site specialised in this issue.
I really think it is extremely hard on all of you and that this is one of those times that you could do with external help. You might get a lot of useful insights on these forums (and a ton of crap on the side), but perhaps something more comprehensive could be useful, some sort of counselling, therapy or a course - you will feel what is right. I have been in this situation and I know how incredibly painful and difficult it is. Not only you have your own pain to handle, but you have the kids pain and all the normal life as well.
I dont agree with these advices:
4. Increase the timeouts. Explain the NATURAL CONSEQUENCES of both good behaviors and bad behaviors.
5. when they are playing together doing ANYTHING.. Tell them ALL that the privilege ENDS if there is any trouble. Even if ONE is doing the trouble.. they ALL lose out.
6. Use less words when you talk to them.. Be abrupt, to the point, and firm.. then DONT give them MORE verbal engagement attention. They are seeking reassurance in their attentiongetting.. BAD behavior is getting them a LOT more of your focus and time.. THAT behavior is normal.
7. Silent treatment WILL work. They will start to CRAVE a kind word.
IF you must use timeouts - and there are better alternatives, at least stick to reasonable length.
5 - is just pure unfair
6- attention getting - if it IS attention getting - lets set something straight - that is not being NAUGHTY. Unless you believe that children are to be seen but not heard. Before you "must" give out negative attention, give out positive one.
But anyways, make your own mind up about these.
I would also not stop them going there.
As for "show NO emotion". I dont think so. I mean, yes, you must get yourself together, and you must control yourself. But you are a human and it is okay. It is also a way to show THEM that it is okay to feel. Why should they feel free to grieve when mum acts like a robot?
I would not go with almost any of these advices, but again - follow your own heart. That is one of the biggest lessons I have learnt after my ex has left. I heard so many advices. And sometimes I learnt it can get you into crap when you follow ones that are wrong for you. Filter everything through your own internal wisdom. Everything you hear - you will be able to tell if its right. Not everything is right for everybody in every situation.
I agree with this big time:
I can't stress enough how important it is for you to avoid making your kids stressed out over loyalty issues. They need to get along well with dad and his gf and they should not feel guilty about this. If they know you dont approve of her, dont want them to go, etc, they will be far more stressed. either way, it takes tim,e for the kids to get used to dealing with 2 homes.
You dont have to like her. But do not share that with your kids. Do not talk negatively with your kids about ANYONE. Do not compete with your ex about who handles the kids better:
And it didn't help when I brought this subject up with my ex that he starts bragging about how they are so well behaved over there.
That just blah blah. He is simply blowing his own horn and trying to make himself feel better.
I am still not sure how I am going to handle this.
It is okay not to see the whole picture right now. When do we really? Take it day by day.
Ignore the name calling and insults and remember that you dont need to respond just because someone is stomping their foot.
I do however agree that you certainly dont need to physically take them there. It's the same distance from his house to yours as it is from yours to his. It was his choice to **** off, he can do the runnign around. But please dont stop him from seeing them. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:13:09 PM | Pick your self esteem up and believe that you are worthy of a good man.
Staying with dudes like this.......unemplyed for 10 years,leaves you for another woman, treats you like garbage, oh hell no sistah make like Aretha Franklin and demand some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Cant change the past i know, but dont make this future mistake.
You dont have to be model thing, drop dead gorgeous, Harvard/Yale graduate to attract a quality man. Confidence, love.
Im fat, have a fvcked up broken nose, stutter, have a pregnancy stretched tummy, have some epic mood swings, im far from perfection, but when i tell myself i am fabulous and deserve niothing less than the best, i get the best! if you think you are the ultimate queen bee, even if you're far from the standard of beauty, men are on it likes bees to honey, GOOD men too.
Start saying affirmations, get some new lipstick, buy some sexy lingerie, take a martial arts classw, pursue a hobby that you love, pamper yourself a bit each day,develop that confience and you wotn ever be stuck with another loser | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:23:44 PM | In a recent talk with my 4 year old daughter, she told me she likes the attention she gets when she is in trouble....hello....what a shocker, not. If kids are not getting the consistency of attention they will act out because they are unhappy and when they realize they get attention from acting out, they will continue to do it. The root cause of the problem may be that you are being inconsistent these days...perhaps pre-occupied with the "harlot" and your "ex" and how you are feeling about that, instead of focusing your attention as you used to do on your children.......just a thought.
Honestly, out of the mouth of babes (my 4 year old)...pure truth and pure logic. Gotta love it. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:00:29 PM | Ok.. the pixie is just plain WRONG.
Your kids are mammals. Mammals are BEHAVIOR beings. They respond to the carrot, sure.. but also want to avoid the stick.
A timeout.. when done correctly.. is like SHUNNING. This child will SO long for some positive attention and INCLUSION with the family unit.. they will do ANYTHING to achieve that inclusion. Frankly.. I've seen it on SuperNanny.. and heard it on that shrew, Dr. Laura. She may be a shrew messenger.. but the message sometimes is still a truth.
# 5 above Forget fair. Group peer-pressure is an INCREDIBLE motivator. THEY want to be accepted in the group MORE than their desire to mess with you. Again.. Professionals I know have recommended this.. Coaches of team sports do it.. YOU should do it. Peer pressure is a wonderful thing.
# 6 See the post about the 4 yr old who SAID to her mother that she LIKES the attention she gets when in trouble..
dont miss the point here.. THEIR world is upside down.. YOU are an emotional basket case.. their spermdonor is an idiot with a new floozy messing with their heads and who has NO maternal instincts.. Hello?? Your kids want to KNOW that SOMEONE in this mess will focus on them.. Well I kid you now.. when you are reprimanding them.. they ARE getting your undivided focus.. Reprimands become the "cookie" when the rest of the world is upside down.
When I say.. "Show no emotion" I am trying to say this.. Become an actor. ACT the emotion that will MOTIVATE them to DO the things you need them to.. for the overall good.
but even MORESO.. "Never let them see you sweat" THAT is what I was talking about when I said.. show no emotion.
In human interaction like this.. Misery loves company.. THEY want those around them that they are somehow blaming for this mess.. to feel AS insecure and threatened as THEY are. It's like Poker.. YOU, as the adult.. need to show your Poker face.. when they are acting out.. TRYING to get YOU as upset as THEY are inside. Got that?? YOU need to be the adult here.. and NOT let the tail(child) wag the dog (you)
Oh.. I'm NOT saying you are a dog.. (hope you chuckled here)
I really know what I'm talking about here.. I give classes to parents going through what you are going through.. This forum is a difficult place to cut through the crap. The peanut gallery always are naysayers.. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:15:31 PM | Valkyriehjr, I feel for you and your situation. The only advice or comfort I have to give you is to trust your children and their love for you.
If they're young, I'm sure they will be swayed by nice things and nice people. If she is a nice person, thats a plus for you. You'll know your kids are being taken care of while they're over there. If she's not, they'll let you know in a heartbeat. Kids pick up this stuff quicker than most adults do.
If they're older, they're going to be confused and torn by loyalties.
But the bottom line is this.. YOU"RE their mother. Nothing changes that. Unless you're an ogre they can't wait to get away from no one will replace you in their hearts and minds.
Its unfortunate your ex is a retard who thinks between his legs. Its unfortunate the kids are going to be caught up in that crap because of him being a butt.
You can make their transition smoother by being the open, honest, better parent. They'll remember that in years to come.
Good luck. | |
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