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| | Did you settle?Page 2 of 5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) | | Yes there are events that break the deal which leads you to settling for someone less than you hoped for. Thats not saying much about who you end up with but it does explain life sometimes. Some would say it was settling on a looser. I dont think so, I have learnt that even those down on thier luck need love and companionship. That they also have a reason for being there, that is if you take the time to find out. | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/15/2009 8:37:24 PM | yup I settled..
settled to' stay single', untill I met the one I wanted .
Took 4 years off for myself, and just did my own thing..
didnt date during that peoiod either ..
waited 4 years and now have the woman I always dreamed of
patience is a virtue....the day you settle ..could be the day you miss the real deal
I think it boild down to patience personaly
we all need a just a little more patience | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/15/2009 8:50:39 PM | | I wouldn't settle. I can be miserable all by myself, and don't need help with that. But I don't mind being single. | |
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_SYN_
| | Joined: 9/20/2009
Msg: 35 | |
| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/15/2009 8:54:18 PM |
How many of you settle for less than what you want and if so, why?
Yes, and more than once. I always felt that I could change things that were negatives in my past relationships if I stuck it out. I finally grew up and realized that in order for anything to change for the positive, both partners have to desire that change, and put in the effort to make it work. | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/15/2009 9:06:56 PM | Hmm. I really never had a "list" of "requirements." Like Margo, I have ended up with a man who does not resemble any of my fantasy dream dates. He even sports one of my former potential "deal breakers;" he smokes. He also farts and burps more that I had imagined possible. He is way shorter than any other man I've been serious with, and (shallow me), height has been important to me in the past.
I am not his "type" either. Red hair? Tattoos? Not what he was thinking. At all.
I did find what I was really hoping for; a person with whom I share a sparkling connection mentally, spiritually, and physically. We love the same lifestyle. He makes me feel GREAT and his courtship was truly romantic, old fashioned and irresistible. Most of all, I admire him so much.
Boy am I glad that I looked beyond what I thought I wanted and "settled" for love! | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/15/2009 9:16:35 PM | Hmmm.."settle". Interesting word, or concept, isn't it?
As my first post on these forums, let it be known...I'm a wordsmith, and tend to break things down to their infancy form. So, let's explore the word, shall we?
SETTLE: To seat, bring to rest, come to rest. Pack down. To sink. To make quiet and orderly. To arrange in a desired position. To take up an ordered or stabled life or lifestyle. To resolve or conclude. To adjust. To close, as an account. To DECIDE.
^^ Given the above, and all the posts I have read so far...WAKE THE "F" UP! We ALL have settled, or will settle, or continue to settle. It is called "compromise", my friends.
For those of you who say..."I am me...take me as I am...I am not changing for anyone...HUMPH!"...well, there ya' go...keep surfing profiles and praying for Prince Charming/Princess Leah to rescue you. If you are unwilling to change, grow and reinvent yourselves for the improvement of yourselves...you will forever be destined to sit your butts in the Lazy Boy, drinking beer, sipping wine...and WHINING on dating sites...complaining how the whole wide world and the nasty opposite gender has mistreated and misunderstood you.
Sure, scream, shout...and shake about..."TAKE ME AS I AM". How about YOU take others for who they are as well, eh? Faults, character defects, shortcomings and all?
Does this mean you accept a verbal/physical/emotional abuser or manipulative person into your life? NOPE! Not the intention of my first post whatsoever!
However, HOLY MOLEY, folks...you guys/gals are tough, rugged, and quite frankly...BITTER! Talk about baggage! *IMHO*
Lighten up...actually LISTEN to your fellow man/woman...EMPATHIZE...and realize that what you fear or find disgust in them, is likely something you don't like or fear in YOURSELF!
We are ALL human...by definition, yanno? Can't we all just get along?  | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/15/2009 10:02:47 PM | | Yea but after a couple years it finally fell apart with my bronze medal lol | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/15/2009 10:35:36 PM | | Haven't settled yet. I haven't found anyone with the Wow factor. Just not worth settling, as soon as you do, the right one will come along | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/15/2009 11:18:46 PM | ^^^^
Yep, yep, yep...uh, huh...riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/15/2009 11:55:13 PM | That is a very intersting question. When I was younger, the ideal mate fitted a list of things I would not "settle" without. However, as I matured, I found that things i once found repugnant or unattractive became tolerable and attractive over time. Have you ever seen a beautiful girl, and as you speak with her, her characte comes out, and she starts becoming more unattractive as time goes on? It is as if she is morphing in front of you, the incredible morphing woman! You once found her attractive, but now she is not so hot. The same thing for men. And so, my list became basically useless, because people tend to change the way you view them as you get to know them. Very intersting question though. Happy fishing everyone:)  | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/16/2009 12:21:44 AM | "...morphing in front of you..."
Thank YOU! 
I mean that, sincerely! We ALL "morph"...daily...slowly...eventually...HOPEFULLY!
For those of you who stay stuck in "I am who I am...I ain't budging"...
...best of luck to you. And I mean that sincerely as well. | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/16/2009 12:50:51 AM | I absolutely abhor the term "settling".
period.
how can one know ahead of time that they indeed settled?
when first we meet and date a potential, generally we go in with the sense of hope and excitement and perhaps expectations.
if over time things go south and we just don't mesh after all, why label this as "settling"? example: "we met and it was fireworks! 3 months later I find that I don't like that he does _____(fill in the blank) and I've broken it off, therefore, why did I settle for this person???"
NO ONE is perfectly suited for another, unless you were manufactured as a Stepford model citizen, made-to-order. we all have faults (yes everyone), so why insist that our mate be perfect--whatever that means. are you perfect?
***IMO, the term "settling" is a cop-out for labeling why things went south. nothing more.
sometimes we just don't mesh after all. | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/16/2009 1:40:08 AM | ***IMO, the term "settling" is a cop-out for labeling why things went south. nothing more.
sometimes we just don't mesh after all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
^^ I'm in love...MARRY ME!!! 
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/16/2009 1:55:59 AM | The trouble is Division, i remember your list of "must haves"
Dark hair
Dark eyes
Pale skin
Long bush
Loving anal
They are all ( apart from the last) about how she looks..... this is kinda superficial dont you think??........ imagine you eventually find Miss Right...... then she gets ill, and all her hair falls out....... are you REALLY gonna dump her because she then looks different......
I haven't seen you write ANYWHERE on these forums about her preffered personality.... how about KIND or AFFECTIONATE or ADVENTUROUS or GENEROUS
You're showing us women that your priority is how we are in bed, over how we are as a person........ i wouldn't touch you with a barge pole!!!...... and if you wanted to discuss my bush in our first phone conversation, then i'd drop you like a hot brick!!!....... 
Angel | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/16/2009 2:04:07 AM | We often have an idea of what our ideal person will look like and more often than not they are nothing like that when you finally meet them.
It happened to me last year and if we didn't live so far apart we would be dating right now. Met someone from another site and got on famously. Our first meeting was strange because we both acted like 2 sixteen year olds. We giggled and gushed around each other, flirted and knew there was something there. Yet he had alot of facial hair (beards are not my thing) and was not at all who I imagined Mr Right would be. | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/16/2009 5:29:08 AM | To fruitflies long post:
That is exactly why I said yes, I had settled, but in reality......NOT
It does take BOTH partners willingness to ACCEPT one another, with all of their wonderful and not so wonderful attributes. To love regardless of whether you like a bad habit. To not expect them to give or do more than you bring to the table. It is...a balance of compromises, with no score-keeping. To me, that is what love is. I know some say unconditional love is only what parents have for their children, but I disagree.
As a Christian, I have experienced firsthand that God loves me, if I muck up, or not. It is always ME who walks away from Him, and not the other way around. Unconditional love is the opposite of settling,
It is loving...in spite of...this or that (insert habit, characteristic, flaw here).
It says..........I love ALL of you. I may not like every little thing about you - but hey you might not like every little thing about me either. I choose to accept you - AS YOU ARE and you will know this, because I am: forgiving, thoughtful, considerate, compassionate, empathetic, caring...etc.....at least to some degree.
But, in spite of it all, I love you and will make the effort to accept you as you are, because you offer the same acceptance to me.
I did this, for my SO, even though he was manipulative, because of his emotional insecurities, I would let it happen, because it was easy for me to make up, for him, not. My real ex (as in ex husband) was manipulative in an ugly cruel way, and somehow I thought the "cute" manipulative(not answer the phone, silly things). was different.
I was wrong. I could accept all of his issues, flaws and all, but he dwelled on 1 of mine and every time we reached an impasse, there it was, on the table. SO, for him to be so shallow to not accept me, and expect me to accept him, it became apparent that his love was very conditional. Come on, you cannot turn love on and off , like a faucet.
I will not settle for not being accepted for who I am. period. I can change me, but for you to want to change me, or let me know there is something you think I need to change, well.
Another good Biblical reference inserted here. I apologize, but this is good, even for non religious people to read.
Before you look at the log in your brothers eye, be sure to take the one out of yours.
The non perfect always want the perfect.
I know I want a Godly man. I did not say PERFECT. No human is perfect.
Flame me, oh well.
If someone is not accountable to God, then how can they feel accountable to anyone else?
^^^^^^^^ This is my concept of it all, FOR ME? | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/16/2009 5:49:35 AM | My own interpretation of the word "settling" despite what the dictionary says... (And yes, I've mastered the use of one of those!!!), is simply that you've stayed with a person past the point that you KNOW that this relationship is NOT going to work in the long run...for WHATEVER reason....
The last guy and I had completely different styles of communicating and although I tried to find a way to communicate with him that "spoke" to him, well, he wasn't that willing to meet me halfway...
I don't think it's about being with a perfect match for the criteria on your "list" of what you are looking for...I think MOST adults are aware of the concept of compromising and accomodating...
But at the same time I know that for myself there have been times in my life where I have been less interested in finding "Mr. Right" rather than "mr.Right now", as the saying goes...
As for people who are rigid in their preferences and particulars with little to NO flexibility...Well I figure that they themselves weren't loved or accepted well enough just as THEY are in their lives, and are now out there spreading the wealth, so to speak...
Besides, rigidity is most definitely NOT attractive...but then again neither is being dogmatic!!!  | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/16/2009 5:52:50 AM | ^^ I'm in love...MARRY ME!!!
I have 2 concerns here:
a. I don't give out on the first replying post, geeeesh I don't know you!
b. I'm not ready for an exclusive relationship, can I get back to you on the proposal? 
and to the above post ^^, imo, "rigidity" has it's place | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/16/2009 6:19:42 AM | Honestly, who wants to get “exactly” what it is they want? Think how boring it would be if you got exactly what you wanted without having to do any work in getting it. Think about what you would take for granted, what you would have missed because you were never challenged beyond your own protected fantasy, to never have appreciation for the journey, the joys and hurts that go into a well balanced relationship. To settle for what it is that you want is very simplistic indeed, it would breed discontent, yet so many keep searching and end up discontent anyway.
I have no interest in settling in a pit of bitter angst being disgusted with myself because of decision I have made from being closed minded, scared and stubborn. I will not settle in my own self righteous ideals or my closed minded views. I once thought I knew what I wanted and I was wrong! So many like to throw the “honesty” word around as a badge of honor and when you really look at it, what is honest? Honestly controlled? Honestly too scared to open up? Look at me! I can honestly say that I will never accept anyone but me and my ideals! I don’t see a lot of folks calling them selves honest, self absorbed scared rabbits waiting for someone else to feed my pity basket.
I would love to settle in a beautiful field of accepted never ending compromise where we keep learning and constantly surprised by what arises. I will gladly settle for a life of unknown experiences that unfold beyond what I once thought was previously possible.
Granted, if she has French manicured toe nails, all deals are off! | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/16/2009 6:22:02 AM | Big difference between "rigidity" and integrity...
But there seems to be a LOT of people on these forums willing to educate those of us (presumably) not versed in the use of a dictionary, so what you may call rigidity, (meaning that you stick to your guns), is what I call rigidity( becoming SO entrenched in a belief or viewpoint that it has ceased to have anything but a detrimental effect on whatever it may be directed at and is merely clung to from a sense of habit)....
Potato, potahto as they say.... | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/16/2009 7:55:04 AM | I actually settled several times, back in what I refer to as my "stupid years".
I won't bore anyone with intimate details, but I was young, inexperienced, & highly insecure to the point where if I was with someone I should hold onto them no matter what because I might not find anyone else. As most women are undoubtedly aware, this attracts any number of unsavory characters ready & able to take advantage of your insecurity.
The first was mentally abusive & cheated on me with his supposed ex who was never more than 30 feet from him at any point in time & in constant competition with me. What finally convinced me it wasn't meant to be? Strangely enough, when I was about to go visit my parents (I was living with him at the time), he kicked me out because he said he was afraid of me & that I might smother him with a pillow & then run off to my parents house. To this day I have no idea where that came from.
The next tried to be too controlling, followed me everywhere, constantly asking me what I was doing, would not even let me go to another room of the house by myself & was always treating my possessions like his own. Coming on the heels of my last relationship, I was less than happy. When I told him I wanted more space to myself, he tried to kill me, obviously failing.
And then I was with someone who was great at first, but a little emotionally distant & said he would be allowed to love me if I would join his church & convert to his religion. No, I didn't do it. That was the straw that broke the poor, tortured camel's back & snapped me out of my phase. I decided then & there that I needed & deserved someone better than the losers that I was attracting.
While I will give almost anyone a chance, I refuse to settle for someone I find unworthy. And I am willing to wait. If there is someone out there that's meant for me, then eventually I will find them. And I don't want to find myself tied to an incompatible partner when I do. | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/16/2009 8:56:00 AM | "It is...a balance of compromises, with no score-keeping. To me, that is what love is."
^^^ Bingo! My point(s) precisely! 
Off Topic: It appears a certain "oldie" is proving to be a prime example of my last comment in my post regarding..."Lighten up...blah, blah, blah..." Don't you just love when folks step up to the plate and prove you...right??!! | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/16/2009 9:09:51 AM | | ^^^^ Actually, what I was thinking when I read your little rant/lecture last night was that you were the "prime example", the one in need of taking your advice to "lighten up". | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/16/2009 6:13:10 PM | Dee, my "rigidity" comment was an innuendo, this being a dating site my mind tends to wander and think about the menfolk....and stuff  | |
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