| | Did you settle?Page 3 of 5 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) | | fruitflies are annoying. Annoying becomes the pea under the princess' mattress. Don't settle for annoying. | |
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Selima
| | Joined: 3/28/2009
Msg: 60 | |
| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/17/2009 6:25:17 AM |
Did you settle?
No, but I compromised. | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/17/2009 6:31:36 AM | CloudHidden,
I am off to get a pedicure! | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/17/2009 6:33:46 AM | mz taken
I think I'll wander down the same path as you. . . | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/17/2009 6:47:24 AM | Yes, that's why I'm here.
Settling is is safe and really boring, predictable, and painful. After 25 years, ugh, it's a slow death.
Now, things are much different for me.
Here's my advice. Speak up. Don't settle. If you run into a deal breaker, say so.
Be honest and have a back bone about it. AND believe that alone is okay too.
Be a whole person on your own. Then settling won't be such an issue. | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/17/2009 7:04:57 AM | I don't understand. What happened to loving someone in all these equations?
Don't we all settle? As CloudHidden stated (and I paraphrase) wouldn't it be boring? Relationships are meant to grow. Yes, of course, I would not want to be with someone with a major psychiatric condition, but I think that would come out in dating.
What is the difference between acceptance and "settling"? | |
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Selima
| | Joined: 3/28/2009
Msg: 65 | |
| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/17/2009 7:08:47 AM | ^^^Acceptance, compromise is the word I use, Mirabelle. What happened to loving someone is a good question. I don't have a list to check off of everything he needs to match. In fact, my guy, who is, hopefully, out there somewhere, yet to be discovered, will probably be a delightful surprise. He may break rules. He may be nothing like what I have in mind. To me, settling means settling for someone you don't love with all your heart and soul, someone who is safe. I'd rather compromise.  | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/17/2009 7:21:56 AM |
settling means settling for someone you don't love with all your heart and soul, someone who is safe. I'd rather compromise.
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/17/2009 11:17:53 AM | I jumped into the dating world with gusto... I thought I met a guy that I could be exclusive with... and tried. I started to get feelings that I didn't plan on... am I settling? can I live with those annoying habits? I was frank with him about some things that bothered me, and he did nothing... BUT SO WHAT... who am I to change him? I went back to dating... it started to feel mundane... like what am I looking for? Is it just going to take time to develop into something, or am I just expecting prince charming to walk in and sweep me off my feet? I FIGURED IT OUT... I had a first meeting and date with this dude, and I walked away feeling like a silly school girl.... I couldn't stop thinking about him and couldn't wait for him to call... and he did... another date, and I think I answered my own question... I KNOW... this is one that I want to make an investment with. He fits... on paper and he makes my heart go crazy. Be patient... if you get that feeling "am I settling?" reactivate your profile and start your search over. You are worth being with someone who makes your heart flutter...  | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/17/2009 12:34:05 PM | ohhhhh I know this one!!!!
I settled, I settled from the get go, and it wasn't goood.
1st - he smokes, I always said I didn't want to be with a smoker.
2nd- he has small kids, and I am almost done with raising mine. So why would I want to raise more? and I mean raise them. His little one will be 6 next month and just started Kindergarden!
Then, after you are in the relationship, develops deep feelings for this person, but look at the things you "settled" for, you ask yourself "what am I doing?"
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/17/2009 1:42:36 PM | Well, I guess it all means what settling is- you can profile right down to the tee, but once something altogether unrelated or due to some timing issue comes up, it can easily affect the potential relationship- yeah, smoking or other personal incompatibilities are easily avoided, but what about personality issues that arise later over one or the other experiencing a personal crisis.. and handling it badly?-
may as well put the relationship to the fire test early eh??- yeah, go ahead and tell him about that two years of low budget porn work you did in Bangkok...
I wish I could have a do over on at least one instance, maybe two if I go to the beginning- but this is real life, and there usually are no mulligans to be had..
I kinda get the feeling that everyone on this or any other personals site are prone to think they could always trade up and don't want to "settle"- and in doing so tend to lose sight of the real goal of life. | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/17/2009 1:53:44 PM | | I think I have reached the pinnacle of willing to settle for less than I want. The reason is that I yearn for human touch and voice more than my relationship requirements. Nearly everyone who writes me in my area is severely illiterate. | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/17/2009 1:55:43 PM | To me, settling and deal breakers aren't the same. A deal breaker is someone who is married, a drug user, some big time character flaw that shouldn't be ignored. Of course, I believe someone can compromise themselves by overlooking a big glaring dealerbreaker like drug abuse and thus settling for a guy or girl that has a known problem, i.e. making excuses for that abuse.
I think we all have the shallow requirements for the opposite sex. Mine is height. I love tall men. They are my ideal. But I also know there are good men who don't meet that height requirement, too. As a gf told me "don't make me come out there and slap you." when I told her about someone who didn't really meet that height standard. I know it's shallow, but I gave him a chance. Turned out we had a lot in common that really made him appealing to me, but his lack of character showed through soon enough. Oh, well...at least I broke out of the shallowness and gave someone who doesn't meet my height ideal a chance.
The guy who talked about "shaved", would you considered that it's "settling" in terms of a LTR for you if a woman "shaved". We all have our little deal-breakers or whatever you want to call it like I have mine with height, but...what should it matter what she does down there.
Since I have yet to get into the relationship realm with anyone as of this moment, I do know what I want from a man that I didn't have in my marriage. I won't settle for less. | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/17/2009 2:00:01 PM |
I think I have reached the pinnacle of willing to settle for less than I want. The reason is that I yearn for human touch and voice more than my relationship requirements. Nearly everyone who writes me in my area is severely illiterate.
Have you tried widening your search here on POF for your area?
I feel your pain, though. I'm sort of going through the same, but not because of illiteracy.  | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/17/2009 2:40:31 PM | | The fool is looking for happiness far away. The wise man makes it grow under his feet. | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/17/2009 4:28:39 PM | is really sad for me to read this. NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE, should settle for less of what they want.
Unless, of course, your "requirements" are completely unrealistic, like having a perfect man!
Don't give hope and as someone else said, broaden your horizons, not only online, but go out and meet real people...
good luck
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/17/2009 4:32:10 PM |
Mine is height. I love tall men.
Is so funny you said this....
I like/love/drool over tall men too....and he was almost my height....
talking about settling.
but I can see a difference between deal breakers and settling for non-important things. The key is to keep in mind, if you can have a conversation with this person, and nothing much annoys you about him/her, that could be a long lasting relationship...
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/17/2009 6:37:23 PM |
I'd never consider any woman with a shaved p.u.s.s.y. as longterm potential
What if she let it grow back?
Mme. C | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/17/2009 11:47:30 PM | I too was someone who "settled" although at 14/15 I didn't realize I was settling, but it may have came later (me stayinggg with him) that was the settling part..
After that 12 yr. relationship - I told myself (and it's in my profile as well) that:
I refuse to settle for anything less than my soul mate.
Now a little diff. than you - I dont have a specific list of preferences. I know my list of "dont wants" however, I do believe to maintain a relationship it takes some work on both parties - so having specifics may only hurt you in the long run.
Small example - I am a smoker. A big part of me wants to quit and has wanted to quit for some time, but for some god awful reason - I just can't do it. I realize its stubborn and I have every excuse in the book to keep smoking -
howeverrrrr - I have this CRAZY notion that I could quit for love. Not lechturing, not being told how gross it is and "you should quit" cuz that only makes me more rebellious - anyway - what I'm trying to say is - I don't want that to be a deal breaker for me and I KNOW it is. So I hope there's some openminded men out there that would accept me as I am - and have faith that we both could motivate eachother to be better people thus creating a better more healthier lifestyle built from love and support. :)
So what's w/the shaved pu**y ???? What kind of requirement is that (just curious). I didn't know people based deal breakers on that! And you prefer it UNshaved. I'm lost. Are you into nature and the way god made ya sorta thing? I really am curious about this.. | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/18/2009 12:04:31 AM | "Disappointment is the distance between expectations and reality".
No one just settles....there always room for growth. Sometimes what we get isn't what we're looking for...but something better. | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/18/2009 12:50:58 AM | I have not been extricated to “banned camp”…YET…even though I had my flute polished and packed, along with the extra can of bug spray for good measure. *hehe*
For those of you who clearly appeared to take offense to my initial post…finding it either annoying, too brash…or even necessary take it to a lower level to make “word play” stabs about my selected screen name…or even worse yet, lowering it to the Bargain Basement level of taking immature attempts at humor for pot-shots at my appearance…I say:
I stand solidly by my initial post. NO changes required. I will, however, say…I am “sorry” if it seemed to offend *you* directly.
I must admit, upon reading some of “your” responses…I felt as if I was sitting at the end of the lunch table…listening to the gals whispering and giggling some ill will against the “other” gals at the other lunch table…in…where was it? Oh, yes! That's it…High School.
Never once did I call any “one” person out (until I was brought to the gallows by one poster alone). I used my words appropriately by collectively saying “you”…”ya”…”you guys/gals”…etc.
I also would like to thank the numerous members (some avid forum posters…and those who are not forum posters, but gnome the threads)…who messaged me privately…not only thanking, but applauding me…for my ever-so-honest post. You are most welcome! *winks*
Additionally, simply because I clearly stated I am a “wordsmith”...AND...I humbly admit...I am HONESTLY dyslexic…I do find the NEED to break things down and utilize the dictionary for the root of words we tend to “toss” around casually these days. This in no way was indicating that anyone on this site was “ill educated”…PUHLEAZE!
I crossed no lines. I did not break any “laws” laid down by the POF TOU police, clearly…as I am still surviving on this site, and you are still “hearing from me”…*toot toot from the banned camp*. 
Further, I will have no part in engaging with those of you who are blatantly crossing the TOU’s line in the sand by attempting to “bait/troll” for the sake of a cat fight or ignorant arrogance. Care for a cup of tea and let’s chat…or would you prefer a saucer of milk?
For the Colonel? I respectfully acknowledge your post, and will pay heed to it. Yet, I will say…I was not ranting nor lecturing in my initial post, IMHO…but rather stating my opinion…completely ON TOPIC, as many of us do on these forums. If you feel compelled to rate this another “rant/lecture”…so be it. That is your right, and I will respect it.
What I find a tad humorous, if you actually read and LISTENED to my post…those of you who bashed me…actually AGREED with me! LOL!
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So, again…
ON TOPIC: We ALL “settle” to a certain extent, don’t we? Even ask Wazhiz…she admits to "settling", and doesn’t regret it. How ironic is THAT? LOL!
It’s the differences that can actually make us attractive to others…if we are only willing to “accept/compromise/settle” that not everyone is our perfect clone, right? We actually “settle”to a certain degree in nearly every aspect of our lives (friends, family, work, lovers)…if we are willing to bend with the wind like a tree. If we don’t…our branches break.
As Cloud stated…”I would love to settle in a beautiful field of accepted never ending compromise where we keep learning and constantly surprised by what arises. I will gladly settle for a life of unknown experiences that unfold beyond what I once thought was previously possible.”
That is why I initially posted what the ROOT meaning of “settle” means.
SETTLE: To seat, bring to rest, come to rest. Pack down. To sink. To make quiet and orderly. To arrange in a desired position. To take up an ordered or stabled life or lifestyle. To resolve or conclude. To adjust. To close, as an account. To DECIDE.
If you have gotten this far in my post…then please…
1. Do NOT discount the supposed “illiterate man/woman”…as their spoken word in your presence may potentially steal your heart…when they actually “speak” from the heart.
2. Do NOT discount his height as he may become a “giant” in your heart’s eyes…when he holds you closely in a time of need.
3. He/she smokes. Does this mean he/she will ALWAYS smoke? Does this really make them a “bad” person in your eyes? Perhaps they are struggling with their addiction, really want to quit, and just need the “HEALTHY” encouragement to do so? Could you be the catalyst? What are YOU struggling with internally/externally that they could help you with…?
4. Do they have weight issues…don’t we all….given the multi-media, shoved down your throats, about what the “ideal’ weight should be? Don’t we ALL struggle with this, really? Whether it be too much…or too little? Newsflash…we ALL struggle with our supposed “body image”…don’t we?
5. How much validation do we want to place on financial security given today’s economy? Aren’t we ALL struggling…to a certain degree? Does this make us/them...less than?
6. He/she has a job. He/she is unemployed. He/she is looking for a job. He/she has been laid off. He/she…whatever! (are we looking at his/her financial security…or our own and what it means to us?)
7. He/she has kids…OMG! I never wanted them…but HE/SHE seems pretty cool in all other respects to my “list”. He/she seems like a cool parent, but I really do not like the “ex” and not sure if I really want kids in my life. Is that me…or is that really about him/her? I'm not sure...but...but...I'll make it about them!
8. She/He won't have sex with me by the 3rd date?! WTF? She/he must be frigid...or GAY! I mean really...it's the 90's right? What does sex mean anyways...it's just a "thang", and will tell us if we are REALLY compatible!!! So, just blow/go down on me, cause that's not really "sex", right? That whole how many licks til you get to the center theory....eh?
9. Shaved/unshaved/landing strip…WTF? Has this really now become a vital component for people whether or not they are willing to pursue a long-term relationship? I mean…REALLY?
10. Is he/she Democrat/Republican/Roe Vs. Wade...whatever? Does she/he root for the Soxs/Steelers/Redskins/Mapleleafs/PeeWees...whatever?
Those are just a few…a VERY few, issues…that can be “settled”…or not.
Every issue has varying degrees, no doubt.
ALWAYS be willing to take a peek at that huge boulder looming in your pretty…ummm...”glass house”...before you launch your pebbles. | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/18/2009 1:11:38 AM | Nope, I am VERY good. I would NEVER settle. I wanted a man that was smart, great looking, funny, crude, polite, hard working, goal oriented, sexy, enjoys what I enjoy (in and out of the bedroom), makes me think, makes me laff my azz off, always striving for more, has sooo much in common with me; IE: music and movies, books and tv...just general interests...HE HAS TO READ!~ I am picky as hell! However, after a long time searching, A LONG TIME...I have gotten all that and more. My guy of 2 yrs plus is amazing. I am glad that I waited, I am thankful that I did not sit with someone that was NOT what I wanted and I am good.
I do not have to tell my guy to "google it" when we talk. He already knows! So nice ~ ughh the idiots I have dated. Plus they were ehhh in the looks dept and did not have real goals. This one is very good. Glad I held out.
No. I did not settle.
My ex's did. I did not.
 For me! | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/18/2009 1:21:17 AM | Honest, my biggest fear was ending up like my ex's and seeing who they just 'went with' cause it was easy ~ I can not see them picking those people off the top of a list...
Messes...
I was afraid I would end up like them, but knew that I never would. I knew that if someone that was not just what I wanted (ok, everyone has flaws but i am talking minor, the peeps these dudes ended up with MAJOR flaws) I would not go that way, I would just be single. I would rather be single be well, in the place of alot of people that just do whatever so they are not alone.
I would rather be alone. I got lucky.
I am also real good with me ~ so even if I did not get as lucky as I did finding my fit, I would be ok just being me. I would never settle. Quite a few people that I would like to smack for not only settling, but letting piles of poo bring them down. Like MM says, It is worse to be with someone and be lonely, then to be by yourself. | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/18/2009 1:24:05 AM | | Yes, my father died and I married someone i didnt really love and had two children...then I thought I was doing the right thing by staying ten years. My second marriage was someone I did truly love and it was wonderful while it lasted. The last relationship is just freaking insane..I dont know if I would calling it settling more like manlipulated into something I have no desire to be a part of and not sure how to get myself and my kids out in one piece. | |
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| Did you settle?
Posted: 10/18/2009 1:47:10 AM | I so agree with you Poker...and SO applaud you for finding your twin flame!
However, it seems you place the "blame" on your ex's for settling. Ummm...weren't YOU in that relationship as well? Remember...accountability.
I sense you "learned" from your lessons in your past relationships...as most of us should. The infamous...woulda/coulda/shoulda syndrome. However, most of "us" seem to play the Blame Game...left foot in, right foot...OUT.
I'm with ya'...I'd much rather be alone. I'm more than comfy in my own skin, but let's be honest, most folks are NOT. THAT is a fact!
And on the path of honesty...come on now...spill it, Poker. There is something...dig deep now...SOMETHING about this twin flame of yours, that totally drives you crazy...but you are MORE than willing to "accept/compromise/settle"....
I bet "he" squeezes the tube of toothpaste from the middle vs. the bottom...right?  | |
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