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Ron9
| | Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 26 | |
| | Lovers with benefits.Page 3 of 2 (1, 2) | The topic was >>> Lovers with benefits. (the actual benefits of a lover - SO)
Not Friends with benefits.
I also would have no interest (at all) in friends with benefits. If I did - I am more than sure my ex-wife would be glad to oblige.
That is NOT good enough for me. | |
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Selima
| | Joined: 3/28/2009
Msg: 27 | |
| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/17/2009 3:50:56 AM |
Someone to wake up with, someone to go to bed with [not just for sex], someone to share the first cup of coffee of the day, someone to share what's happened throughout the day. Someone I'm glad to see coming home, someone who is glad I'm there. Partners, sharing the adventures of living. Agree!  | |
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/17/2009 4:01:53 AM | what a peculiar topic?
if he/she is a lover shouldn't the benefits be mutual?
that's certainly the way it would be in my world...
(especially the mutual back tickles...heavenly...) | |
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/17/2009 5:49:45 AM | To smell them after a shower....
To listen to their heart beat until I fall asleep.
Off key singing so I smile.
Laughing until I cry at their silliness
Holding holds
Smiling eyes
Those personal little jokes only we get
Camping in the winter...getting close to keep warm
The intermission breaks during the playoffs
A short argument and a great make up session
Respect
Dancing close and personal.....
Sitting across from them at the table
Singing heart
The you and meet against the big bad world | |
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/17/2009 2:01:42 PM | .
So what ARE the benefits of a (mature) partner?
Beyond the mutual satisfaction of primal urges, what will your partner provide that you don't want/can't get from others?
Well Hyoid, let's not be too quick to discount the primal urges....
Being 56 and happily post menopausal, I can tell you that having a lover my age is wonderful. No more worries about unintended pregnancy, no more birth control.
But back to your question,
> The same energy levels as we had in younger years, less judgmental about the happy crinkles around the eyes, and the bit extra here and there, 'cause they've lived life, too and know how that happens.....
> More patience and more interest in one another's well-being, happiness and less "it's all about me."
> More willing to take the time to really listen to one another. To be genuinely perfectly satisfied just to be in one another's arms, not just for sex, but companionably close.
> Fewer insecurites; usually by this point in life. one has come to terms with who and what one is.
Suffice it to say, I couldn't be more happy than to be this age and with a lover this age.
Namaste,
Ginny
 
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/17/2009 2:22:51 PM | Lover with benefits. Since I'm not looking for a husband or a live-in, guess that's exactly what I'm looking for. The benefits being friendship, companionship, activity partner, understanding that I will not be dependent upon him for a life, because I already have a great one, and that I don't want him depending on me to give him one, compatibility, etc. So, I'm looking for a lover who will enhance, not hinder, the life that I already have.
The "lover" part is the only thing I want from him that I don't want and can't get from others. That's what sets it apart from just friends. | |
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/17/2009 7:37:42 PM | Well the benefit of having a lover is having someone you know in the world who knows how to please you, tease you, be with you and laugh and play and have fun. When it's time to say goodbye, the lover part never dies...sigh. | |
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Selima
| | Joined: 3/28/2009
Msg: 33 | |
| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/17/2009 8:03:14 PM |
When young, a partner is necessary to at least begin the next generation. But by age 45, that task is largely completed.
So what ARE the benefits of a (mature) partner?
Beyond the mutual satisfaction of primal urges, what will your partner provide that you don't want/can't get from others?
Someone to warm your feet on cold nights? Someone to chop the onions?
Is it validation of your feelings by someone that laughs or cries at the same things you do?
Is it even definable by anything beyond "I feel better with than without them"? I don't know about others, but I never sought a partner in order to 'begin (or raise) the next generation.' I have only ever wanted a man in my life in order to have my lover and my best friend share life with me. It's always been that way and still is. What are the benefits? I guess they seem self evident. | |
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/17/2009 8:47:09 PM | I've been pondering this question for a variety of reasons of late. At the risk of sounding pathetic, there's something that has eluded me throughout all the love relationships of my life. After all the years, after all the experience, after all I've learned of myself and others, there's still one more lover in me that's new. It's like I've come full circle back to the age of 17, some 33 years later, and there's these two people facing each other inside me, trying to make some final sense out of each other, one knowing all he that knows, and the other still lost in some dream.
I know this sounds bizarre. At least it is to me. But there is something about me that I've never truly shared, some person, some man that I've yet to be.
I don't know if I'll ever be in another relationship again. I'm not even sure if I want to be. It's hard for me to imagine anyone who shares this peculiarity of mine, who might help me, as I do them, to discover something about ourselves that we've both wanted to for so long. I have almost no idea who such a person might be, if I'd be capable of recognizing them, or if some part of me is simply stuck in some intangible dream? It's a complete mystery to me.
I suppose I could get involved with some such person or another who suits my fancy to mostly pass the time together in some more or less comfortable and satisfying manner. Lord knows I've done that before. But is that what I want? I don't know. | |
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/18/2009 4:18:38 AM | | ^^^^I don't think you're at all alone in this, hearttune. I know the yearning you're talking about....for me, its about longing for full connection with my partner, something I've never quite gotten to in this life and know that, now, I am capable of. Only thing is that I may not find someone who can "bring it back" to the relationship and anyone I just "pass the time together with" is just a friend. For completion to happen for me, it has to be there for both of us. Sure hoping I get to experience this in my life....in the meantime, though, I just try to keep my heart open and busy myself with the rest of life. Sigh. | |
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/18/2009 5:10:57 AM | I was at a recent dance school function and there were tons of new students. One couple left after the beginners' lesson and I noticed through the large window that they were dancing in the parking lot under the lights. It was a sweet romantic moment for them and I would have loved to have shared it with a special someone. Since I have no one, I pointed it out to another single lady and told her that I just wanted to share it with someone because I though it was sweet and romantic. She smiled and thanked me and said she was glad I had. She mentioned that she too missed having someone to share sweet moments with. I made a new friend.
Just having someone to touch base with through the day or someone who sends a text--love you, thinking of you. Someone to show a pretty flower or leaf on the trail when I hike. Practicing a new dance step with someone in the kitchen. It is the little things. I have a house, income and everything I need--but you can't buy the 'connection' that you have with someone that is special to you.
Hearttune and morningsong--you hit the nail on the head. I am a mature woman with the body that goes with it, but inside is still a girl who wants a mature man who make her giggly, giddy and sees the beauty of her youth. But I am living lately in a world of too many men who are mature in the body but their inside little boy is still looking for girls................
And I am not looking for friends with benefits. Lovers is a whole other story. | |
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/18/2009 5:37:17 AM | It's definitely more than just the sex. Sex is never the same way twice and can vary so much it's really not a very good barometer.
For me it's to be able to look into a lover's eyes and never wonder what I ever saw in them no matter furious or hurt or any other emotion I may be feeling or have felt in between. It's just unquestionable.
If that's there then all the other ingredients can be worked out. | |
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/18/2009 7:17:23 AM | ~Grow old along with me...the best is yet to be~
The benefits of having a mature partner in life is this:
Now that we're all "grown-up" we're once again free to live, laugh, and love as children. | |
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Selima
| | Joined: 3/28/2009
Msg: 39 | |
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/18/2009 7:40:47 AM | Someone I feel safe enough to let them see all of me, including the pieces I keep hidden from my friends and family. The benefit is being accepted (different than validated). Others have listed how that acceptance may be manifested. I think this is a primal urge and it is not met by FWB, friends, or family.
I think both the conscious choice to give/have that trust (on my side) and his ability to receive without judgment are, in part, developed with age. Haven't met many young folk who can truly, fully, and consciously give and receive. They just don't have the life experience to make the informed decision. Think of it as the difference between blind action in the face of danger vs courage (knowledge of the danger but decision to act anyway). | |
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/18/2009 7:40:53 AM | There's a BIG difference between "friends with benefits" and a "lover with benefits".
Lovers with benefits are NOT a secret. Their relationship is out in the open.
Lovers are interested and actively engaged in each others lives. And, they say to the world........."we're a couple" and were not afraid or ashamed, to let the world know it.
The benefits of having a partner in life?
In no particular order..........
Knowing that you're cherished.
Knowing someone has your back.
Knowing you have a soft place to fall.
Knowing that you're understood and encouraged to be "your best self".
Knowing that you're accepted, just the way you are.
Knowing that someone loves you enough to tell you to "shape up and fly right".
Knowing you belong to someone.
Knowing you have someone to "check-in" with regularly.
Knowing you have someone to "pillow talk" with.
Knowing that your love is about wanting "the other person" to be happy.
Knowing that you need the other person, not from a needy or immature place, but because you love them. | |
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/18/2009 7:53:54 AM | | My vision of a (mature) partner involves taking time out for eachother when it is convenient for both and it doesn't mean creating a family, financial dependence or the responsibilities involved within a young relationship. A mature partner with love, fun, loyalty, respect and independence, now that is different from the first round......ehhh! I see it as being more liberating, just enjoy eachother's company, still being loyal and respectful of eachother's goals in life and taking time to share it with one another. Life is about love, giving love, feeling love and everything else becomes simpler. As long as you don't place expectation (mature) love/partner can be amazing if both are on the same page and just living one day at a time. | |
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/18/2009 2:41:31 PM |
^^^^I don't think you're at all alone in this, hearttune. I know the yearning you're talking about....for me, its about longing for full connection with my partner, something I've never quite gotten to in this life and know that, now, I am capable of. Only thing is that I may not find someone who can "bring it back" to the relationship and anyone I just "pass the time together with" is just a friend. For completion to happen for me, it has to be there for both of us. Sure hoping I get to experience this in my life....in the meantime, though, I just try to keep my heart open and busy myself with the rest of life. Sigh.
Well *cheers* to that, girl.  If I had the powers of Cupid, you'd have such a man knocking on your door now. :)
I'm not sure if the word "completion" is precisely the right word I'd use, and perhaps it might not be for you either, on a second thought. I don't know. The problem for me was that I was born into the wrong universe. I was supposed to be born into the x 2 universe. It was a minor accounting error made at the Bureau Of Reincarnation. In the x 2 universe, there are 24 months, or 730 days in a year. I should actually be 25 years old, rather than 50. This "minor" accounting error has turned out to be a "major" psychological problem for me. As Leonardo DiCaprio said to Kate Winslet in the frigid waters of the North Atlantic, when this is over, I'm going to write them “a strongly worded letter" about this.
The x 2 universe was much more suited to me than this one. I was simply a person and a man comprised of strong contrasts to my nature, ones which oftentimes seemed antithetical to each other. Add to that the particular dramas of my upbringing, which I absorbed like a sponge, and my inherently unconventional perspective of life, and, well, I just needed a lot more time to get a handle on myself, for the real me to comfortably and naturally emerge. But life keeps coming at you, work to do, bills to pay, all sorts of responsibilities and crises large and small to contend with. I never had nearly enough time to make the mistakes that I needed to make. And I had to make a lot of them.
I think it was more about me “completing” me than anything else, and I hope that doesn’t come off as sounding overly self-centered. One of the very few maxims that I’ve personally found to be true for me through the course of my life is to make the most significant choices in your life as selfishly as you can whenever it is possible for you to do so. I have found that I am able to give so much more of myself to others, and to do so free of those nagging and unbecoming resentments, when I have adhered to such a principle.
I don’t think “completion” is quite the right way of putting it for me. Happy as a pig in shyt sounds more precise to me. | |
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/18/2009 2:55:37 PM | When I think back on the special relationships in my life, what I think of most is that feeling of completion that came with being a part of that couple. I could not wait to see him next and to spend time with him, whatever we were doing. Sex with a lover is 100% more beautiful and satisfying than a friend with benefit. I have had both in my time and afterwards with a friend, I just felt more lonely, regardless of how great the sex was. With a man I love, I want to be held afterwards and just lie in the bliss of it all.
It is good to think about all of the wonderful things to come with having a lover in your life. I makes me miss it more and this afternoon, I have worked on writing a new profile. Pics will be up next weekend I am hoping. I am getting out more to meet others in real life. With any luck ,I hope to feel that kind of love again in this lifetime and cherish it for the blessing it is. I have been lucky to love three times in my life and I had 20 great years with my husband which far outweigh the last year of our marriage. | |
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/18/2009 3:03:33 PM | It would the that someone that makes most of the things you enjoy alone even better with them. Someone you can count on to watch your back, and even scratch or rub it once in a while. Someone you can trust and count on to be there when you hit the speed bumps in life.
On top of all that they're great in the sack  | |
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/18/2009 3:14:10 PM |
> The same energy levels as we had in younger years, less judgmental about the happy crinkles around the eyes, and the bit extra here and there, 'cause they've lived life, too and know how that happens.....
> More patience and more interest in one another's well-being, happiness and less "it's all about me."
> More willing to take the time to really listen to one another. To be genuinely perfectly satisfied just to be in one another's arms, not just for sex, but companionably close.
> Fewer insecurites; usually by this point in life. one has come to terms with who and what one is.
Suffice it to say, I couldn't be more happy than to be this age and with a lover this age.
Well said... Being in love and having a lover at this age is truly like eating chocolate and not getting fat!!! | |
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/18/2009 3:34:08 PM | Ah Hearttune: Nope, I didn't at all mean "completion" in the sense that it would make
ME complete....as long as there's life I'll be a work in progress there...I meant completion in relation to full connection within partnership. I don't need someone else to make me feel whole, I would just love to experience a fully connected union with a partner. Its difficult to describe, but its a way that male/female balance each other out....deep "shyte" A deeper, open, fully connected love....all of it. Not some starry-eyed notion of perfection either....its about the recognition that what you both have together is precious and finding ways to nurture it together....
OK 'nuff babbling!--taking these boots off for now | |
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/18/2009 4:05:55 PM | Physical intimacy ,responsibility of each other comfort ,etc.. ,and the effort of adjustment to get along with each other,that is why they are called LOVERS, without the benefits of marriage certificate. Other wise the are called spouses, or married couples or husband and wife.
<div class="quote"> Lovers with benefits .
You mean a medical insurance benefits ?
<div class="quote">Some one to warm your feet on cold night ? someone to chop onions?
Is it validation of your feelings by someone that laughs or cries at the same things you do ? Is it definable by anything "I feel better with than without them"?
I understand your question is important but it doesn't make sense, about chopping onions and cold feet at night,crying and laughing at the same thing you do....What are you drinking while you are asking these questions ?
drink Budwieser beer ,it will clear you mind. Yours Truly, Vannili lol  | |
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/18/2009 5:21:26 PM |
Ah Hearttune: Nope, I didn't at all mean "completion" in the sense that it would make ME complete....as long as there's life I'll be a work in progress there...I meant completion in relation to full connection within partnership. I don't need someone else to make me feel whole, I would just love to experience a fully connected union with a partner. Its difficult to describe, but its a way that male/female balance each other out....deep "shyte" A deeper, open, fully connected love....all of it. Not some starry-eyed notion of perfection either....its about the recognition that what you both have together is precious and finding ways to nurture it together....
OK 'nuff babbling!--taking these boots off for now...
Yeah, that's what I thought you meant. :) Pretty much the same for me as you describe, though in my own peculiarly what-person -in-their-right-mind-would kind of way. LOL | |
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| Lovers with benefits.
Posted: 10/18/2009 7:05:27 PM | Wow, I have read alot of comments about this subject matter and agree in part with alot of what I have read, and of course would not question others of their own personal views of what this really means to THEM... Just think about this, why do you have a lover, and the term here is LOVERS...not to take it to the deep end of this whole matter, but it's nothing new to us, we all have HAD lovers, lost them for what ever reason and put it into, lessons learned. The benefits just come along with being lovers, your choice is; what new benefits will this new love bring that I have not had? We don't try to end up with the same relationships that went bad again, but most benefits that come into a relationship have common benefits. We have been there, done that!, now the issues are, same benefits, or different benefits that I didn't have? I hope to meet a woman who can just be her self and not change a year or two within the relationship....problem with the term benefits is, some want more after they have what they have gotten after you have given all you had to give.
And oh by the way, this works both ways for men and women....
The term, keep it simple and love to live and live to love seems to work just fine with lovers in a natural balance of life.
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