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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 11:29:56 PM | My part?
Repeatedly, it was low self-esteem.
Bad rearing, perhaps. Thought 'love' was manifest by showing how much abuse you could tolerate. Oddly enough, being a male, I followed my mothers example and was tolerant of abuse, thinking my show of tolerance would eventually win-over the abuser and they would stop their abuse and love me too. Not physical abuse, but mental abuse - walking on eggshells.
To be honest, as a male of the species, this is difficult to admitt. But I'm all grown-up now and accept it as 'my truth' and my responsibility to alter/change.
In my maturity, I have a new definition of 'love.' It's all about R-E-S-P-E-C-T (like Aretha sings about!).
Like another poster said, it took me a while to get there - but NOW, I like me. Can't and wont (redneck, I know) let anyone take that away from me again, EVER!!!
just a few thoughts | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 12:01:45 AM | "I told her if she did the "do this or else I'm leaving you" crap one more time, I wouldn't be trying to keep her..."
As one of your not-so-religious 'followers', I'd say you did the right thing. It was not just about pride, but about not becoming a doormat. If you felt less for her or if you read this in somebody else's post you might even agree. The 'do or else' game can be played every single day, and it indicates that you were slightly more vested in the relationship than she was. Yes, it sucks, but imagine the continuation if you had never put a foot down. I wish you a happy ending, but I do not see one in the story you told, no matter your reaction.
OP, I certainly agree that the end of a relationship starts before the actual breakup, and that both to some extent contribute to the demise (although it is rarely ever 50-50). You should consider though that often one partner is already 'on the way out' and has an exit strategy in mind that maximizes his/her benefit without regard to your needs and independent of your behaviour. That strategy might be concealed until it's too late, much like a quitting guy doesn't tell the boss until his notice starts in order to maintain a regular job until it's over. A decent guy would serve the old company until the last day while a scumbag could even inflict damage to it before the boss knows he is leaving soon.
I could lay out the events in a post ten times as long as BDJ's, but it all breaks down to discovering that the beloved mother of your child is a drug-addicted, risk-group-fvcking, VD spreading, stealing and lying two-bit whore who does not even pick up after the used condoms in the family car, and who parades her lover in front of the kids. Sick stuff has gone down, and if anything I was too lenient in my judgement of my ex-wife. The verdict stands, and the events have changed my life in many ways - not a single one being about love.
Hey, slight change of topic. Can we discuss how Jesus is playing up the cross thing as if he was a victim? Shouldn't we look at his part in it? What a drama queen... | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 12:33:55 AM | Career driven 65 hour work weeks.
Neglecting what really matters to many times.
Saying no to the ring.
Sweating the small stuff.
My part.. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 12:39:42 AM | I'll talk about my marraige then. I don't think I'm righteous and judgemental though so perhaps I shouldn't be replying.
I expected too much, I wasn't realistic. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 1:04:22 AM | I saw someone needy and thought I could 'fix him up', mould him into what I wanted. How arrogant of me! if arrogance isn't one of the 7 deadlies... it should be. Mea culpa.  | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 1:16:16 AM | My role in my last relationship's demise was that I played detective to find out why he was so secretive about so much concerning other people he talked to and found out that he had a whole secret life.
When I let him know that I had found out about all his many secret dirty little activities, the game was over for him, and I too had a different opinion of him.
So my role in ruining the relationship was refusing to be kept in the dark and
making sure I found out what he was really like. And I would do it the same way
all over again.
The alternative would have been to remain in love with the sweet innocent front
he puts on which has no bearing to the actual perverted lying person that he is.
He projects his image as wholesome and good but he actually has no redeeming
qualities. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 1:53:17 AM | I was a fool. I mistook intense sexual chemistry for love. I had been so mistreated and abused in my former relationships and been so self-abusive (basically treating myself like I was worthless, drinking too much, using recreational drugs whenever I was out on the town, working myself too hard, seeing myself as only worthwhile if I looked good not for what I was on the inside, and over-compensating for my own feelings of lack of love in my childhood by spoiling my child with almost smothering affection, and material possessions). So when my second husband came along, and the sex was so amazing, I mistook all his compliments, his caresses, his ability to make me feel so wonderful in the bedroom and affection toward me as true love and commitment. He was wonderful to my daughter, and great with his own. I refused to see that his moving into my home, with no job and no car was a red flag signalling his own irresponsibility. When he did get a job, I foolishly bought a second car to give him transportation. I paid all the bills, because his job barely covered his child support. I sympathizes with all his drama with his ex-wife, and when it became unbearable, I paid for a lawyer and helped him gain custody of his daughter. Then she was paying him support. None of which he even offered to pay me back for what I had paid her while he was out of work. Three months after we got custody of her, we decided to go ring shopping. I don't know how, but he convinced me to take an old engagement ring I had and trade it in for another one at a pawn shop for one that could be 'ours'. He paid an additional 25 dollars for the 'upgrade'. I actually made a really good deal...this woman who owned the pawn shop was drunk and didn't know what she had, and didn't examine what I had, so I walked out with a MUCH better diamond than I originally had, But that's not the point.
Soon after, he of course lost his job. We moved to a house in town, which was just a few blocks from the girls school, and very close to my job. I also took a second job performing in a dinner theatre, show after show, leads and second leads, and if you've ever performed in live theatre, you know what rehearsal schedules and performance schedules are like. I would work my job in advertising from 8 to 5, then rush home to fix dinner, throw some laundry in, spend a bit of time with the girls, then race off to the theatre to either perform or learn a new show. These were big shows, all musicals, and were extremely demanding. I would get home after shows or practice totally exhausted, but I would take a bath, then make sure the girls clothes were clean and laid out for school the next morning, and then crawl into bed for marathon sex with my husband. I never said no. I would come home for lunch to make love to him, I would slip home between seeing clients to have a bit of 'afternoon delight', I wanted him so bad he was literally all I could think about. He called me often during the day to tell me how much he loved me, and I believed him with all my heart and soul.
I ignored the fact that he stayed at home all day while the laundry piled up in front of our washer and dryer. I tried to ignore that the dust got thicker and thicker, and the vacuum never got run, and the floors were never swept or mopped. The dishes were piled in the sink because he refused to wash them, so there were many nights we ate on plastic plates. I gave up on trying to keep the house together, and I started bagging up the laundry and taking it to the laundry mat before work in the morning and paying the lady there to wash, dry and fold it for me. I just didn't have a choice.
Looking back, I should have listened to my parents. They kept telling me he was using me, that he was a leech, but I kept making excuses for him. I talked to him about finding work, but he told me there was just no work. He found a school that taught Solidworks and he wanted to attend. So I managed to scrape up enough money to pay for his tuition. He made it through the course, and they offered him a job. I was thrilled, I thought that maybe he had finally found a way to feel useful, and more like the man of the house. I thought that maybe by me bringing all the income I had somehow emasculated him. I blamed myself for all of his shortcomings throughout our relationship.
Back it up a bit. The day before his birthday, I asked him what he wanted for a gift. He said all he wanted was to marry him. I didn't have the heart or courage to say no. So on Monday, May 22, 2000, I married him in a gazebo in the park, in the presence of our children and his parents. My parents did not attend. I took an afternoon off from work to marry him, and our wedding night, I was in tech week for 'Grease' and didn't get home until 11:30PM. Great wedding night. We had plenty of sex, but I was exhausted.
The following April, he called me at my office, where I was sales manager for a 100,000 watt hard rock station. it was 11 AM and I was super busy, but of course I took his call. I never refused his calls, after all, I was totally in love.
He informed me that he had recieved his second paycheck from his job. I congratulated him, told him how proud I was of him, and that I loved him. Then he told me that now that he had a job and was making money, he didn't need a wife anymore, that he could support himself and his daughter. I actually laughed, I thought it was a joke. I mean, we'd only been married 11 months, and been together for two and a half years. We had made love the night before, with him saying 'I love you' over and over again. Then it sunk in. I started crying. I pretty much had a total breakdown right there in my office.
Now, understand, I am not an overly emotional woman. I show no mercy at work, I negotiate probably harder than any man in a boardroom, I make excellent, logical decisions, and I am all about business. All anyone knew about my personal life at my office was that I was happily married to an extremely good looking man and had a beautiful daughter and step-daughter. I kept all personal issues out of the office. So me losing my mind and crying hysterically was TOTALLY out of character for me. Three of my sales women hauled me off to the ladies room, my midday dj put the station on auto-pilot and came into the restroom to comfort me, and it took them forever to get me calmed down. My whole world had just crashed around me. My general manager came in and told me that he wanted me to go home, that he was totally sympathetic with my situation, he had been through a divorce and similar circumstances, and so I went home to deal with all of it.
Like I said, I was a fool. The man I had loved thoroughly and completely was now acting totally heartless and unfeeling. It was like he was a robot. He admitted to me that he had never really loved me, not truly, but he needed me and that's why he had stayed with me all that time. He needed me to get his daughter, and to support them.
I pretty soon turned my misery into hatred and got proactive. Within two weeks I had a house near my job, moved all my furniture (everything in the house was mine, so I rightfully took it to my new home) and then when the b@stard sugared the tanks to both of my vehicles, I went and bought a new car.
Turned out he had so many unpaid bills with past rentals and utilities, no one would rent to him, he had to put all his utilities in his daughter's name, and when he did get someone to rent to him, they threw him out after four months for non-payment of rent. Then he went around and screwed all of my daughter's friends single mothers, I guess to make me jealous. Then he chased me for a while, harrassed me for a good long time, basically made me miserable I guess because he was miserable.
When I look back, I should have never become involved with him. I should have seen what he was from the start and kept my heart safe from him. But I was really a fool in love. And you know, even after all this time, and despite the fact that he has now passed away a couple of months ago, I can still see his face, hear his voice, and I miss his touch. He was like pretty poison.
What did I do wrong? I believed in a man who wasn't what he proclaimed to be.
Beth | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:11:53 AM | Last relationship before the guy I just married???
My mistake was getting involved with him... LOL...
He was a walking pity party, and I brought all the party favors and food so he could sit and complain...
Reality, I should have listened to my HEAD and realized it was what it was a FBW, and he was a mess from the get, one that NO amount of counseling could help... HOWEVER I felt I could be nurse nightengale and save him from his misery...
The demise was he found someone MORE like him, OR at least he feels he can trick... In fact he's had so little respect for me that he has called upon me to HOOK up... I would repeatedly tell him NO, I am with someone that IS NOT the life style, or way I conduct my morals...
Finally had to tell him he was NOT a real friend, and that he needed to flake off...
I don't think of it as a demise, rather I didn't really have this person when I agreed to be a FWB, I was looking for more than that...But sold myself short, because at the time I felt a little distraction would be ok...
There is the bare bones of it... I don't have ill will towards the guy, just feel bad his partner who constantly catches him and his very bad antics, keeps going back to him... To me, it is sad that there really is a type that a person like him would work well with, and at one point I had wanted to be that person...
Ughhhh how disgraceful and shameful...
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 3:20:50 AM | 1) I didn't read her the paper on the breakfast table (as you do)
2) I didn't walk the dogs as much as I should
3) I didn't make her tea (but I made mule kicking coffee)
4) I poo-pooed her choice of fake meat (made out of soy)
5) I could not bring myself to listen Death Metal 24/7 (even for her sake)
In short, I was the ***hole extraordinaire. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 3:39:15 AM | " they're growth stumpers..And I’m pretty short so I simply can't go there "
Arabian, from what I've read of your posts... intelligence, compassion, and fairness wise, I'd say you're rather tall. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 6:52:43 AM | I let our marriage fall into neglect. I stopped being a wife in favor of being a mother. I was all about the kids and not about him. I also lost my temper a lot when angry (with him). I stopped respecting him. When the respect is gone, the marriage is, IMO.
And, lastly, I should have left him right after our son was born (almost 6 years ago) rather than trying to make the marriage work for 4 more years. Because my life went from not bad to hell during those 4 years. Wish I'd had a fortune teller to tell me that back then.
Other issue I had early in the marriage, was getting defensive when he was angry, not hearing his words, just being defensive. That was something i worked really hard on overcoming though.
K | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 6:53:33 AM | Wow...some really great posts on here...
I'd have to say youth, when thinking about my boys' dad. I was young, and stupid, and thought that I could "make things" right. I should have gotten out of there years before I did. I wonder, what would life have been like, had I done that? But once I was in...I felt stuck. 20 years old and a baby in your arms can do that, no matter how mature or how much life you've already handled. I often say - when people talk about someone and say, why doesn't she leave? - that people leave when they reach the point where they feel they can leave. Emotional and physical abuse, especially by someone who was trained to use mind control, can really make you lose yourself. For years I knew I didn't love him, in fact I sometimes hated him...and yet in the end, I felt sorry for him. I was the love of his life. Somehow it felt like that tied me to him, maybe even more than the kids did...but that was the best he could do. Very sad. It actually makes me laugh - I stayed with him for 14 years - longer than most marriages - while proclaiming that I'd never marry anyone...LOL...silly me. Life is too short to waste time on someone you shouldn't be with...but in the years since, I've come to think that I was supposed to be there...to learn. Lessons of the soul hurt, a lot...growth hurts...but in the end, I've come to be thankful for it all, my life, the good times and the bad - and to forgive. People often hurt others out of their own pain. | |
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PiggyT
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Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 40 | |
| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 7:14:39 AM | I guess it all boiled down to not knowing myself and looking for validation through a relationship. After successive failed relationships I sought help from some professionals and they introduced me to something called "Co-Dependency".
That sure turned on a few lights!
Suffice it to say that I do accept responsibility for my failures as I am always the common denominator.
I do want to say that I am pretty glad I made the mistakes I made because two of them live with me and bring me a joy no one else but a parent could understand.
Out of the ashes....
Oh... and Rock. Good thread brother! | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 7:20:21 AM | Motives... My fecked up motives!
I've done a bit of travelling. One memorable trip to BC I met a long, tall, handsome guy with a soft heart, slinky hips and a wicked wit. Suddenly he wanted to do some travelling, too. He just couldn't stay away from Texas.
Once while we were crossing back into Canada, the border patrol gave us a little static. We panicked. Two months later we got married. We felt like there were forces at work trying to separate us. How dramatic.  We thought were in love and yet we hadn't really spent any time together that wasn't "vacation" time. We didn't snap to that beforehand. We just wanted what we wanted and we wanted it now!
I married a man I didn't know very well.
I confused lust and friendship with love and as we did become more intimately known to one another, it was not a good match. I certainly don't blame him any more than I blame myself. This is really truly on both of us equally. At least it's fair, most couples don't get to say that.
I was 3000 miles from home, desperately homesick, isolated in a very small town, living in a country where I was unable to work or pursue an education (He was supposed to sponsor me for residency as my spouse, but procrastinated. This was another major issue for me. I was unwilling to give up my American citizenship.) with overbearing, controlling in-laws and married to a man who just wasn't the right guy for me. I wanted him to stand up to his mother. I won't go into her but she's got bigger problems than I've ever seen. I was so hellbent on telling her to butt out...At the time, all I wanted was for him to stick up for us. I started thinking of him as a wuss and that was the end, really. Neither of us were listening to the other. We were both acting like children. My excessive verbosity and razor tongue didn't help the situation. I have a vocabulary like a Samurai katana and I know how to wield it. Lord have mercy on the less eloquent.
Then my mother died.
I went home for the funeral. The next day my husband asked me for a divorce...over the telephone...the day after I buried my mother. All I can think is that he must have been really, really angry to twist the knife like that. I kept asking people "What kind of pu$$y ends a 7 year marriage over the telephone?" I couldn't see anything but my own point of view. Neither of us got much closure, we've never discussed it.
I let despair overwhelm me and when I hit rock bottom, I just shut down and closed everyone and everything out. Since I was already in Texas, I rented a beach house on the most remote part of Galveston island, I shut everyone out. Only my sister had the courage and the perseverance to keep reaching out to me.
The love of my sister and the east Texas sunrise over the Gulf brought me back to civilization. That sunrise and I shared an ocean of tears. I found my humility out there on the beach, crying into the sand, getting weird looks from my neighbors. I was so angry but I didn't know it, it had become depression. I still don't want to meet anyone's mother. (hmm)
When I finally got over myself, every misstep I took was crystal clear to me. When I think of my husband now, I just feel stupid for being such an airhead.
Rock, what you said about motives really rang a bell for me. Gotta check my motives. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 7:32:06 AM | I believed her that I was doing something wrong or not enough, and even went to couples therapy and individual therapy to try to "fix" it - or at least figure it out. Of course, always being told I was wrong didn't do much for my willingness to do ever more for her - resentment kept increasing.
Well, I did figure it out eventually - I had been stupid or naive enough to pick the wrong woman to marry. The last therapist even said, Hell, there's nothing wrong with you that being with the right woman wouldn't fix!
I did find the right woman, and have been in my idea of an ideal relationship ever since. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 7:37:45 AM | I expected someone else to make me happy, I sought payback and recognition in my giving, my giving wasn’t clean, I had a motive.
Judged the health of my relationship by its sexual gratification.
Fear, fear of exposure, of allowing my self to be seen while coddling and protecting a fragile ego. An ego maniac with an inferiority complex. Brutal honesty is just that, brutal, brutal to me and the other and it was a way I hid my emotional side.
I didn’t speak my truth, my truth, not theirs, not the worlds. When I was hurt, I didn’t speak, when I felt vulnerable, I didn’t speak, I hid. I didn’t humbly ask for what I wanted, I didn’t say what I didn’t want. Instead, I manipulated.
I never learned to really listen without saying “yeah but” or standing in judgment.
Funny thing is, all of the things that I feared most happened and I’m still here. A little wiser, a little more open and a lot less concerned with what others think any longer. Had to lose it all before I faced the mirror, introspection for me didn’t come easy, it took the loss of someone very important to me to get it. How could I ever be angry at someone who taught me so much and she doesn’t even know what she taught me. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 7:39:44 AM | | He and I wanted different things in life. After being together for 10 years, we decided to call it quits. I wish him the best. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 7:53:15 AM | Ah, grasshooper [sic], that sounds wise on the surface, but it is riddled with problems.
People DO judge themselves--that is apparent. We consistently judge our views and our actions, and most find them acceptable in THEIR eyes. This is based on not only their internal lawyer, but the cultural, religious, and political mores of the society in which they live.
For instance, a bigot who lives in a society that sanctions bigotry will see nothing wrong with prejudice. In my judgment, bigotry is wrong, but they have judged it to be ethically acceptable.
Of course people should take responsibility--whether it is the passing of a relationship or in other matters, but we have not only have built in modes of coping that breed denial, we live in a world that increasingly shirks responsibility. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 8/24/2009
Msg: 47 | |
| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 8:13:55 AM | Wah-ell.. speaking of my marriage... *shrugs*... sorry... but I aint got nothin.
I really dont.
I suppose I *coulda* yelled at him and nagged him... tried to make him tell me what the problem was...
...but that just wouldnt have made any difference cos even he didnt know at the time so it wasnt his "fault" either.
I dont blame him and I dont blame me.
All he knew was how he felt... that effected his behavior and he turned away from the marriage... instead of... to me.
Honestly... it was just a case of
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 8:25:26 AM |
Ah, grasshooper [sic], that sounds wise on the surface, but it is riddled with problems.
The only problem would be trying to get people to focus on themselves and not others. Because this isn't a surface issue. It's a deep down and personal issue.
Just about if not every thread on this site is based on judging others. If not the topic itself the replies in it will become debatable.. Good example.. Remove "people" and "we" and replace them with "I"...
Of course people(I) should take responsibility--whether it is the passing of a relationship or in other matters, but we(I) have not only have built in modes of coping that breed denial, we(I) live in a world that increasingly shirks responsibility.
This isn't a we, people, or them thread... It's an "I" thread. It's what "I" get when I stop pointing the finger and start pulling the thumb!
And thats why a thread like this doesn't get as many replies as who should pay for coffee. Because this one is about looking at yourself and not others!
But no shet though, a room full of "look at me's" suddenly gets quiet when they are given the stage.. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 8:49:29 AM | | I choose a man that I wasn't compatable with when I was 24. I thought I could change him into what I thought I wanted. You can't change anyone and for me to try was wrong of me. I started to get resentful that he wouldn't mold to what I wanted. I then shut down and stopped communitcating my feelings and thoughts. I should have walked away years ago and let him find a woman that was better for him. There is more to our story but this is what I will share. He was not angel and had some issues that I didn't want to live with for the rest of my life. We just didn't think it through when we where young and let too much time pass... 18 yrs before ending it. It was my fault. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 8:52:07 AM | Rockoooooooo Holy Foque I see cloistral is not a issue for you, not counting the
knife stabbed center of the food! wouldn't want to stick my hands in your plate,
I would loose them.
self righteous judgemental types that seat of their moral high chairs looking down
on the rest of us!
We all judge others part of human nature and we all have prejudice tendency's
towards others.
Even though I`ve been highly train and have some of the best equipment money
can buy if lady Luck decides to rain on my parade I will endup a figment of my
own imagination. I have a subconscious that constantly Judges my actions, as
this sometimes might create a great conflict of interest. I can admit and Judge
myself when I`m wrong, humility makes and individual stronger and wiser.
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 9:08:54 AM | Ah feck, baring the soul time!
First mistake I made...not reading these forums before I started dating! I didn't know what "Red Flags" were, didn't know what "baggage" meant, and thought everyone my age had most of life figured out.
Second mistake I made....being told and convinced people have to fight to make a relationship work!....never again!
I'm still working on myself, I'm quite finicky about my home and sometimes get upset when people seem to think it's my job to pickup after them or cleanup after them!
I have a strong tendency to over think and analyze to much simply because of my business back round...not a terrific thing to do when it comes to relationships!
Although I know "Pride" can sometimes keep us from accomplishing the true goals we seek.....it's hard for me to set it as side. Humility is something I'm not used to, but sure as hell learning.
Well, if I keep going there won't be enough space for others!
I'm sure as hell not as perfect as I thought I was when I entered the dating world, and to learn your (my weaknesses/faults) is certainly humbling. | |
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