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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 9:25:16 AM |
I didn’t speak my truth, my truth, not theirs, not the worlds. When I was hurt, I didn’t speak, when I felt vulnerable, I didn’t speak, I hid. I didn’t humbly ask for what I wanted, I didn’t say what I didn’t want. Instead, I manipulated.
Very good! Me, too. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 9:26:36 AM | I suffer from "If it aint broke, don't fix it" syndrome.
It is not that I have problems adapting to change, I just don't always see the necessity of change until its to late. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 9:32:52 AM | Lack of understanding.
I did not understand that he thinks differently than I do. I did not understand that what he wanted out of a relationship was different that what I thought I needed. I did not understand that he needed "quiet time".
I let myself go while focusing on my issues instead of fostering our relationship. I encouraged him to get a night job so we didn't have to pay for childcare then I blamed him for my being almost a single parent. I tried to mold him into who I wanted him to be instead of allowing him to be himself and accepting him for who he is.
Essentially, I did not understand that a relationship is about two people coming together to share a life, not about getting needs met. I wanted him to make me happy instead of looking within. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 9:52:13 AM | My biggest contribution to the demise of the relationship was behaving inappropriately when angry.; it was also the area in which I gained the most as I learned how to more appropriately express anger over the time we were together. By the time I got good at it, however, it was too late - he said he'd lost trust in me. Although, oddly, the better I got at controlling my outbursts, the more he'd actually push me - seemed to frustrate him when I was able to remain calm.
The actual catalyst for the "end" was when I told our prospective third the truth about the relationship he and I had. I figured that since she was planning on moving in with us, she would either be forwarned or scared 0ff; my motivation was a mix of wanting honesty between us and hoping she'd get out while the getting was good. He saw it as betrayal and she decided to stop talking to me. In the end, I was the one who was "got" out.  | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 10:03:11 AM | Lemme see, I was young, so I was at that stage when my mind said in for a penny, in for a pound. By the time I figured out I should walk away, I was way too invested in the relationship to do so. I knew he had issues, probably should have known I had issues. Pushed for him to get counseling but then backed off when scheduling and money issues cropped up. If I had insisted and he had gotten counseling then and been diagnosed as bipolar, the marriage might have had a snowball's chance in hell.
Essentially, even though there were many things I didn't realize until we were married, I also knew when I walked down the aisle that it probably wasn't the brightest move of my life, biological clock ticking influenced that to a degree.
I think I was also surrounded by people that were primarily my own age and also had that I have invested x amount of time and feeling into the relationship and walking away didn't seem like a great option. I had no one to tell me that loving someone was not enough and I believed that much of his behavior was reaction to situations that could be dealt with, not that they were signs of underlying personality flaws. So I commenced upon trying to fix everything.
I pretty much exhausted myself trying to be the perfect wife and mother with someone who didn't try to be a husband or a father. It was a lonely existence from which I learned a great deal and have three great kids whom I would like to off on a regular basis because they are teens. The relationship taught me to pay attention to what someone says and does, not one or the other.
My biggest contribution to the demise was choosing someone I should never have been with. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 10:12:47 AM | The last time I met a guy I was truely interested in I held back too much. I let fear take over instead of enjoying the moment. Also, I did not communicat like I should have so the guy had NO idea what I was feeling or thinking. I was sooo closed. Reflecting I can see how he may have thought I was not interested at all. When in fact I was extremely interested. This was partially becasue in the past when I communicated with men it just drove them away so this time I did the opposite extreme. I am currently a whole person sooooo ready for a relationship with the right person. I am glad and sad for the experince with this man. Glad becasue there was light shed about me and a flaw. A fixable on I might add!! This was done with respect and care. Sad a lesson had to be learned with this man instead of before meeting this man.
I will read the rest of the posts know.  | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 10:19:15 AM | PacakageDelux;; My biggest contribution to the demise was choosing someone I should never have been with!
That Mistake is made by the majority of all women! You think his the right individual then sooner or later you fined out your wrong Again and again. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 10:20:30 AM | I give too much. I enjoy seeing the man I am with happy and content so I am all about his happiness. And so I give. and give. and give. As with most normal human beings they take, and since I keep giving it's a great situation for them. Bad thing is I finally figure out that I am giving tooooo much and have nothing left. No money, no energy, no feelings. Then I am done. I used to think it was all about them being selfish a$$hats but I have come to realize I set both of us up for failure with my over attentiveness and "can I get you anything" cr@p. So I am learning. If you want a beer, get up and get it. If you want me to cook, sure, but you are doing dishes. If you want a BJ before work great, but be prepared to rock my world when you get home. The give and take is hard for me but I am learning.....whoever knew??  | |
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PiggyT
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Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 61 | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 11:20:56 AM | Growing up is very hard to do.
2000-2004: My follies in my past relationships over many of years ago is that I was with good men but was too insecure with myself to believe they wanted to be with me. As time moved on I was finding myself more calm and realistic though......
Jump to 2004 and we have the worst relationship of my life thus far. Yet, I stayed in it for the better part of 4 years, must've been my curiosity for punishment and those good drugs we were doing..........and because I didn't want to be alone.
But I guess self esteem would come when you can answer not why other people don't want you but what you don't want about yourself.......
I was way way way too soft and put up with way way too much crap. People will only do to you what you allow them to do.
My part, didn't trust good men enough, then trusted the worst one too much. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 12:13:13 PM |
I believed her that I was doing something wrong or not enough, and even went to couples therapy and individual therapy to try to "fix" it - or at least figure it out. Of course, always being told I was wrong didn't do much for my willingness to do ever more for her - resentment kept increasing.
Well, I did figure it out eventually - I had been stupid or naive enough to pick the wrong woman to marry. The last therapist even said, Hell, there's nothing wrong with you that being with the right woman wouldn't fix!
I did find the right woman, and have been in my idea of an ideal relationship ever since.
I'm thinking that would have been my ex-husband's post. He never did get it.
My part would have been self righteous indignation. I resented him, what I did, and more what he didn't do. My resentment seeped into our sex life (or lack thereof). I resented his lies and the financial ruin he brought down on my family. I couldn't forgive him. I'm glad he's found someone that's not me.
Oddly enough, I'm in a healthy relationship now - and although I do all the same things I've always done, I am not resentful. Granted, my SO works, and I am not expected to support his bad habits. So everyone is happier. Sometimes the best thing is to just walk away. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 12:55:51 PM | I can honestly say that I am surprised by how many people actually know the root of their problems rather then just the symptoms.
Words like fear, co-dependence, expectations etc are not often used by many when discussing their own issues. I have to say that it warms my soul to know that so many know.
For years I went through life thinking I had it all. Funny things is now I realise that even today, I still don't know what I don't know. But at least I'm not stuck on stupid anymore. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 1:05:25 PM | I'm pretty easy to figure out. Just peruse my profile and it is a judgment on who I am as a person. I know and understand my flaws and why relationships don't work for me. I am unapologetic for who I am and have no interest in changing. I have accomplished what I hoped to accomplish from partaking in a serious romantic relationship - I'm a dad - and now I have my focus where it needs to be - on my child and myself.
It's a lot easier to be a prick when you have accepted that you are one. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 1:07:57 PM | It took a while before I realized how big a part communication--or the lack of it--played in the demise of my relationship(s). My example growing up was parents who rarely discussed anything troublesome--or almost anything at all, for many of the years I witnessed--and so I didn't figure out till well into adulthood that it was okay, even advisable, to talk about things that may at first seem scary, let alone when I should do so and when I should let it be for now. Still working on that lesson! Thank goodness I've learned that it's more frightening most of the time to not say anything and then deal with the resulting problems...
--Ms. Flis | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 1:30:15 PM | I wasted way way too much time trying to control, fix and make my life and those in it what I needed and wanted... I should have let go way way before I did... Sigh...
^T^ | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 1:38:20 PM | | (Ex husband of 23 years) I gave too much and neglected my own needs. I did not stand up for myself and took his emotional and verbal abuse for too long. I wonder, had I stopped it in it's tracks at the get-go, if things would have worked out differently. He never hit me, ever, but was rather narcissistic. At the time, it was so well thought out, by him, he made me think I was the one with the problem. I think that is why I didn't stand up for myself, because he came off as holier than thou- hey, you are angry what is wrong with you? after making me feel like I was incapable of doing anything right.....yada, yada, yada. Couple that with withholding of affection, alienation and more, as well as living in a foreign country with no support whatsoever.............and well, thank GOD I finally went to counseling, and eventually left him. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:05:36 PM | What a great thread. Interesting how some of us STILL find a way with words to point at the other person and their deeds.
I certainly contributed to my share of the relational issues and imperfections in my marriage, but overall it was solid and loving, I believe. We were both "recovering" addicts / alcoholics. My former husband chose to begin using again. Destruction ensued. I had to leave.
Mme. C. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:19:16 PM | Let's see...first one...
I was young, dumb and totally ruined a good thing by being selfish and insecure. I was 18 when I met him and broke up when I was 21. Sex was phenomenal too.
I took the last guy I was with for a couple years for granted and got way too caught up in my job and we just grew apart. And I let the little things get to me even though I knew it wasn't worth it to argue over them. Great in bed too. Darn. :p
Im sure they know what they wished they had done better as well but we're all still friends because it wasnt anything intentional and the break ups werent bad. Sometimes these things happen.
There was a 3rd but eh...3 years and I still dont know what happened besides him still loving his ex wife. Just dont think he was ready for a relationship and kept telling me he was wasting my time. Ok...whatcha gonna do with that? So that one I dont think I messed up.
But hindsight is 20/20. Live and learn. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:26:59 PM | I argued my point when I should have listened. I learned being right isn't nearly as important as what is right for a couple.
I shut up and shut down when I should have talked. I learned that being vulnerable and expressing pain, fears, hurt, etc. isn't weak but that hiding them is.
I thought I trusted too much when I didn't trust enough. I learned to trust myself more.
I created the environment I thought I wanted and then ended up hating it. I learned that I don't always have to be in control.. the world doesn't stop if I share the helm.
I placed unrealistic expectations on others and them blamed them for being unable to meet them. This one is trickier. I swung to the other end and then had zero expectations of others.. which isn't healthy either. I'm still striving to find balance in this. The key, I think, is to share these expectations and decide together what is healthy and what is unrealistic.
It's all a work in progress. I can take what I've learned to help be a better partner in the future but that doesn't mean that I don't occasionally go back to the things that feel most comfortable from time to time. That is when it's time to be the most honest with myself and with others. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:27:53 PM | Could you be more specific? Which time?
My first mistake was trying to move on and have the family and home I had always envisioned (like all little girls) despite the guy I had fallen in love with not being ready to settle down. And I denied I still loved him. I made the mistake of thinking I could create happiness with anyone. So I guess I was stupid.
Marriage #1 -- Young, dumb and full of c** as the ol' saying goes. I was infatuated. I can't speak for him. We wanted to live together. He worked with my father but probably would have been unemployed had we done things "our way." So, like idiots, we decided to get married. So I guess I was stupid.
Marriage #2 -- He was older than me and a military career man. I was looking for security, a father figure I guess. I just didn't realize he was an alcoholic. So I guess I was stupid.
Marriage #3 -- I believed the ex when he told me he was sober, still loved me and wanted me back. So I guess I was stupid.
(Seeing a pattern here?)
Marriage #4 -- Despite all those marriages I had spent most of my adult life as a struggling divorced mother. I wanted things... like a house and furniture that wasn't secondhand. So I married a man with a good trade. His employment history, however, was not so good. Now I found myself with 2 more kids (3 if you count the husband) to support. I had a mental meltdown. So I guess I was stupid.
Marriage #5 -- The guy I fell in love with all those years ago came back into my life. I knew he had been a bad boy, a wild child, but I thought that was all behind him. I didn't really wanna get married again but that was the price he required for his continued presence. I made him the center of my universe and my life revolved around him. It's alotta pressure being a god. He fell back into substance abuse. I'm sure there was more to it than that... old demons and ghosts... but it was all very codependent and alotta other terms I didn't understand at the time. So I got informed and came to understand that if I loved him I wouldn't help him to kill himself slowly. So I got a divorce. He got sober again. Then he died in a crash on his way home from an NA meeting. Truthfully, I don't know what I did wrong. I know I did something wrong. Loved the wrong man? Loved too much? Loved too little? Did I b****? When a man disappears for days and burns thru $1,000s? You betcha! | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:31:37 PM | For starters, I was an a ss hole. Full of pride. I will not change. This is the way I am. Take it or live it.
Like others here. And being the typical guy, I am not the best at cleaning, while my gf is into keeping a place that is immaculate. Unfortunately, she does have other issues, particularly about priorities. For instance, when we could spend time together, she would want to clean. Truth be told both of us carried a lot of other issues into the relationship. My main problem according to her was my inability to open up. I even had to sent her connections to what I post here in the forums. She said, I already know that side of you. But we began to get distant. But with each touch of distance, with each sense of being ignored, I pulled further away and away. So we began a roller-coaster of arguments that dwelled from the mundane to the profound. We no longer knew each other, other than know what thing to pull, what lever to push and destroy. When she developed cancer, she would go through bouts of being very emotional, very fatalistic, to very romantic, very caring. Even before the diagnosis, she would withdraw and sleep and not want to communicate. But it wore me out emotionally. I became very irritated by her distance. But I realized after the diagnosis that I needed to be more involved and I did, but one major mistake was that every fight we had, and made up. We made up by having passionate sex, yet never resolved the issues. The sense of future between us was destroyed and it was my fault, the inability or initiative to try to repair it. My inability to see that I also needed, if not change, grow.
When she went into the darkest recesses of Chemo, a real hell in earth, where you question whether you will live again, love again, be complete again, the core that needed to feel nurtured, loved, full of future was absent. So she panicked and in the fog, all her past fears, from previous relationships, who knows maybe going back to her mother and father, transformed her into a strange beast. So she left me.
I had failed to understand that love requires to put your pride aside and sometimes the most loving act is to help someone fold towels. I had failed to give unconditionally, yes, unconditionally because even in my giving, she felt there were conditions, demands, expectations.
What I learned was that I can put all the blame I want on her, but in the end it took two people to destroy an awesome relationship and that only what I can try to change will make a difference. It is the ME issues that need resolved. And now we are communicating again. Out of the fog and the abyss that Chemo sends you. So as crazy as it may be, there's hope. Great hope. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:36:47 PM |
So what was your part in your past relationships demise? I didn't kick him out sooner... | |
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